This makes me roll my eyes. This t-shirt, that I saw some little kid wearing the other day outside Lauca’s playgroup. Yes, its funny but its also ‘eye-rolling worthy’. Its kinda crappy to be so cute about the way mothers are such martyrs in our culture. I don’t think they’re laughing with us on this one, I think they’re laughing at us. Because this t-shirt will inspire more of the “Haha, its so true. He has me running around after him everywhere” responses than the “Haha, its so true. Our society really is fucked up about the role of mothers” responses.
Speaking of all things martyrdom in motherhood, a happy new find of mine is this film (which looks good in the trailer and I’m hoping to see it sometime) and the accompanying blog. As a feminist parent who leans strongly towards the attachment parenting side of things I find the issue of martyrdom particularly challenging and I’ve posted on this a few times like here and here.
Oh, that shirt is awful.
Personally, I feel like I have a lot more baggage from my mother’s martyrdom than from the times when she did things for herself or insisted I do things for myself. If the Perfect Mommy who does everything for everyone is truly fulfilled in that role, then bully for her. But I suspect a lot more are constantly pushing down resentment and anger over feeling forced into that role, and it’s insane to think kids won’t pick up on that and feel guilty and burdensome. At which point, all the sacrifices the Perfect Mommy is making become somewhat hollow, since the child still doesn’t feel emotionally safe.
So YEAH, I think a lot more conversation about how the culture expects martyrdom from mothers is in order. I can only imagine how hard it is to try to take care of your own needs–for the sake of your child, not just yourself–while constantly being told that any consideration of your own needs is evidence of bad, selfish motherhood. I don’t envy you.
Thanks for talking so much about this stuff.
Kate, you write such thoughtful comments. I hope you do choose to be a mother one day, purely selfishly – because I just want to hear your own observations of feminist motherhood.
In the meantime, I really value people who don’t have children giving a shit about what a person who does have child and dedicates a whole, rambling blog to the topic has to say.
Hey, and I really appreciate how you are allowing discussion about martyrdom even while you ‘lean strongly towards attachment parenting….’ I realize I have a fear of parents who subscribe to Dr. Sears. I think they/you judge my parenting choices. Your post, your inclusion of different points of view, your contemplation of the martyrdom problem–all ease my anxiety and make me want to have more conversation. thank you,
UnMartyed for now.
Thanks unmartyredmom. I think attachment parenting’s great weakness is a failure to adequately deal with the martyrdom trap. I don’t have lots of solutions yet but I think about this issue a lot, particularly from a feminist perspective.
[...] blog world, however, relationships are different and my assumptions get to be questioned. A new feminist friend from Australia describes herself as an attachment parent. Right there, I’m confused. In a good [...]