I don’t know why co-sleeping bothers some people but it really bothers them. In our culture we must prize independence above almost all else and so we detest any sign of dependence, even if it is in a baby; someone who’s very life depends on their ability to form an effective bond of reliance with a carer.
If you don’t like co-sleeping for yourself then each to their own and I’m wishing you happy nights too, I’m really referring to the people who are bothered by other parents’ decisions to co-sleep. My sister-in-law for instance is bothered about co-sleeping. When we told her about buying a single bed for Lauca’s second birthday you could see her delight and relief. It was very funny but I couldn’t laugh in front of her, I wanted her to be able to enjoy this moment where we finally de-freaked ourselves. She made a plaque to hang above the bed reading “Lauca sleeps here”. My sister-in-law said she chose this wording instead of ”Lauca’s room” so that Lauca could get the hint. Everyone’s afraid that a big, sooky baby will be created out of co-sleeping and … they’re right. But maybe it is he and I who are the sooks, not Lauca.
After a promising transition to her big girl’s bed, winter woke Lauca regularly (damn cover-kicker) and we returned her to our bed for some sleep. By next winter she’ll be old enough to pull up her own doona. Right now she’s a much better co-sleeper at the age of two and a half and it’s difficult to find the motivation to remove her. Co-sleeping is a very pleasant way to sleep otherwise we wouldn’t routinely sleep next to our partners. The truth is she won’t be sleeping in our bed through to university, she’ll want to stop long before that, and for the moment while she’s little and it’s working for all of us we’re just enjoying it.
Here for the bothered and the not so bothered are my confessions of co-sleeping. I’ll start with the 10 worst things where the bothered will shake their heads and wonder at co-sleeping stupidity and then I’ll finish with the 10 best where you can see that for us it is all worth it.
The worst.
- We had to upgrade to a king size bed and I can still find myself running out of room. (And it’s true that you can occasionally get a bit sick of sharing your space and just need some time to yourself, like one of the comments below suggested).
- His bare-chested self was woken a few times in the middle of the night by her hungry little baby mouth trying to attach to his eeny, weeny nipple. (And nipple ring once too – ouch!)
- When she has wet the bed, she wets our bed – when she was a tiny baby I once woke up in a warm, brown seeping puddle. Not a nice way to wake up. (Note that this was before we replaced our bed!)
- Worrying about smothering her when she was really little - a couple of times I woke up to find his sleep-heavy arm draped across her tiny baby self. Since that time we moved her over to my side of the bed. I am a light sleeper. Babies will do a good job struggling to free themselves and wake you but never sleep with a baby in your bed if you are drinking or on drugs or heavy medication.
- Having to be quiet when you come to bed, not being able to turn the light on and noisily get undressed and find your book.
- The perfect place to have sex really is in a bed and when we finally get the opportunity to in our king size bed (instead of everywhere else) there is always a moment of joyful reflection on the perfect design of beds.
- Thinking about how wasteful it is for her to have a bedroom, a playroom, and our room.
- Any child bigger than an infant can kick your blankets off, wriggle about, and steal your pillow and they’re not apologetic about it.
- Waking each other, which was particularly easy in those early days when she was a light sleeper and not a particularly good co-sleeper. I remember having to desperately swallow coughs and stiff necks in case one stir woke her up again. Also, it’s true what kate said in the comment below – they can be little fiends constantly wanting another breastfeed, presumably because they can smell the milk. To be fair I’ve also heard mothers say the same thing about babies who sleep in cots in the other room.
- Your bedroom fills up regularly with children’s book and soft toys and requires regular purges.
The best.
- When I was breastfeeding I was able to do it without having to get up and change rooms and without fully waking. Being able to breastfeed lying down in my warm bed was particularly nice. I guess also having her in bed with us meant that I didn’t feel so responsible for night parenting either. How could he possibly be sleeping through her crying right next to him? Actually, he was able to on occasions. Go figure.
- Being able to tend to her and get her back to sleep without leaving my warm, cosy bed.
- Knowing almost immediately when she is sick during the night.
- Not having to panic that I am sleeping through something terrible like an abduction. (Yeah I’m too anxious).
- She is easy to travel with because as long as she is in bed with us she doesn’t mind where the bed is.
- Having the motivation to finally get rid of our broken old bed.
- Feeling close to her on days when we are apart for the day, which is particularly important for my partner because he works away from home full-time.
- Getting to look at a sleeping baby/child as much as I want and having as many cuddles with her as I like before she grows out of that.
- Being told in the middle of the night when she stirs awake briefly that she loves me soooooooooo much.
- One night recently I left our bed in the middle of the night with a terrible headache to sleep in Lauca’s bed. A while later when the headache had passed Lauca woke up in our bed, and noticing my absence called out for me. When I came back in to join them she curled up beside me with her head next to mine on the pillow and her little arm around my neck and she gave this spontaneous sigh of absolute pleasure. I’ve had some warm welcomes in bed but no-one has ever sounded quite that happy about me being there. It was so cute that my partner and I burst out laughing. This moment alone pales those 10 worst things above.
Have I forgotten anything?
So, so right on. Amen times 10 to the best list, and amen times 9 to the worst list–never had them try to nurse on the man, although that would have been fun. I guess there’s still time.
I’m laying here next to my little co-sleeper….. wishing it would never end! I started co-sleeping out of laziness. but I truly adore it. they are out in the world all day striving for autonomy. Isn’t it nice to come home and snuggle safe so they can grow into secure independent beings?? I’d still crawl into bed with my mom! gotta go, my three year old will be up and coming to join us soon! should have gotten the california king!
opening my bleary, crunchy sleep-deprived eyes to find a toddler grinning as me as she hands me my glasses, babbles hello, and leans in for a kiss is perhaps the best morning a mom could ever have.
You left off the vomit. Not quite as bad as the leaky nappy, but the newborn who slept in our bed did vomit liberally on our sheets. I expected to like co-sleeping, for it to be easier even if I didn’t really love it, but actually it wasn’t for us. Our baby woke up every 20 minutes thinking it was time to breastfeed again, but I’m glad it isn’t like that for everyone. Most of the world manages to co-sleep, I don’t know why it’s so frowned upon here.
I am so with you on this. Worsts aside, I adore co-sleeping. It just feels right to me. Bean started sleeping through the night in his crib at around 9 months old; I was surprisingly bummed (and nervous as hell when I woke in the morning away from him) even though it felt so good to no longer be woken a million times a night. It was a welcome break but he now starts out in the crib and we bring him in with us later when we are ready to turn in. I am confident that somehow he will grow into a strong, independent person despite our *gasp* preference to be close to our baby at night.
It’s worked well for us. Although due to two incredibly active little sleepers (flipping, kicking, one night winding up on top of my ankles) at nine months or so they moved into the crib beside our bed. Some nights the big sister (now 3–I still always want to say 2–and in her own room) joins us for the am hours. It made breastfeeding so easy. I don’t know what people’s problem is.
All three of my co-sleepers have gone on to sleeping alone, on their own timetable, and without drama. I miss some parts (the snuggles and strokes on my face and hair) don’t miss others (stiff neck or back when they plaster themselves to you). But I’d do it again in a heartbeat and can’t think why it riles some people so… as you say, we adults love sleeping next to our own partners.
ah, you said it. i don’t have any moral position on it, i just liked it for us. i remember bringing Harley home from hospital on day three and trying the cot and he wouldn’t have a bar of it, and i found it easiest for breastfeeding, and i just found it lovely to hear him in the night beside me. of course, i was/am single, so i have no understanding of how it would affect a relationship. when my milk went at five months, he suddenly had no problem with the cot. then for the two years he was in the cot, he would only sleep with me if sick or particularly clingy on a given day. and i remember there was a lot more anxious checking on him through the night to make sure he was still breathing. so as to whether you get more sleep…
ever since he came out of the confinement of a cot and was in a single bed, though, he has been sleeping in my bed about half the time. it’s sometimes the only way i can get him to stay in bed at bedtime. i dunno. some days they just need more cuddles. and some days you do!
it’s only on days when he’s wanted my attention all day long, and i’m close to a meltdown, and then you’re like–FFS, i can’t even have a minute to myself at night!
i find it odd that people can get judgmental about what others do with sleeping arrangements. whatever parents feel is right for an individual child. they all end up in their own bed eventually, don’t they.
sorry–that last bit wasn’t claer, i meant it’s only kind of difficult on days when he’s wanted my attention all day long already, etc…then i sometimes steal away and sleep on the couch!
I also started co-sleeping out of laziness (we started with her in a pack-n-play pulled up next to our bed, went to full-on co-sleeping). It is *awesome* for when you’re breastfeeding.
Not to say I wasn’t fantastically happy to transfer her to her own bed when we did (at about 10 mos, because no one was getting any sleep).
I think the take-home message is whatever works for you is the right thing to do, and so you should do whatever works for you. Really, that doesn’t seem so difficult to comprehend to me, and I don’t see why some people have to get all judgemental about it.
Vanessa – I think people get all judgmental as part and parcel of reading the sort of books that have rules (rather than a list of options to try). Particularly if they find the Rules work for them, because then if you’re struggling, and they aren’t, it’s because you aren’t following the Rules.
Such people are generally sorted out by caring for a child who doesn’t like the Rules eventually. In this day and age where people have one or two kids (generally) they are less likely to be sorted out. And less likely to have younger siblings whose moods they remember.
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Excellent post Blue Milk and SO SO true!! Those magical times when you can just look at their blissfully sleeping faces and the horrid ones when theyre awake for 2 hours a la last night….still, at least I was comfortable!
I should add that my buddha bubba is now in a bedside cot, so I feel we have the best of both worlds at the moment, although she has access to me and can crawl onto our bed, it just feels like we have a bit of our own space if you see what I mean?
Love this post!! Thanks for sharing. I love co-sleeping. We share a queen size bed our 8 month old all the time and part-time with our 3 year old. Sometimes, ok all the time with the 3 year old too, it does get a little too close but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. This winter we plan on getting a king size bed to help with this. Thanks again!
ahem…i would just like to amend my previous comment and let you all know that this morning i woke up to a child jumping up and down on my chest, squishing her leaky diaper all over me. yay co-sleeping!
Great post. We also love co-sleeping with our little one. I simply cannot imagine putting her down to sleep in another room.
For a couple of nights were toyed with the idea of her spending part of the night in her hammock in our room and I found myself clutching her close to me all night out of sadness for all the snuggles I might miss out on.
As you say – the only sooky babies around here are my partner and I!
Even though some people co-sleep with a baby I would never do it. I had a neighbor that alsmost lost her 4 month old baby while co-sleeping. He, somehow got stuck between the mattress and headboard and almost strangled himself. After a frantic call to the rescue squad and an overnight stay at the hospital he was well enough to go home. But I still remember my neighbor calling us at 2 in the morning to stay with her 2 year old, which slept in their king bed too and how desperate and guilty she sounded. That was the last time either child slept with them. The babies cried till they got used to sleeping alone in their beds but she knew that was the best place for them to be.
Mom to two – a ghastly experience for your neighbor. It’s true that some precautions should be taken when you co-sleep with your babies and that concern must be where some of that negative sentiment towards co-sleepers comes from. However babies have also smothered while sleeping alone – the important thing is making the bed safe for a baby, whether it’s a shared bed or a bed to themselves.
Also, this was one of my most badly-written posts ever, I was just too tired from work to edit it so thank you everyone for visiting it and commenting anyway. I appreciated the ‘blind eye being turned’.
Began co-sleeping out of anxiety (I worry a lot, too) but kept on out of laziness. Breast feeding and co-sleeping work so well together, at least early on for us.
At about nine months she decided she needed to wake 6+ times a night. That’s kept on until present at 22 months. It’s making me crazy. But to clarify, I enjoy co-sleeping, it’s the night waking I’m not especially fond of.