Feminist mothers are my favourite mothers, as you’ve probably guessed. They’re fascinating women. I did a little bit of research on feminist mothers (here), and I have a circle of feminist mother friends, and I search out ‘feminist sounding’ mothers on-line all the time. But I would like to know more about you mothers who identify as feminists. Consider yourself the subject of my interview, yes, you. Stop avoiding eye contact with me right now so I won’t pick you out?
Below are ten questions for you, choose all, one, or some. There are no wrong answers, speak your mind. When you respond, can you send it to me here so I can use your response as a guest post on this site (under a nickname or your real name)? Or if you prefer to post on your own site I can link to your post instead. I’d particularly like to hear from you if you don’t have a blog because I don’t get to hear nearly enough about you. (Lookin’ at you rose and kate, for instance).
So, the questions…
- How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?
- What has surprised you most about motherhood?
- How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?
- What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?
- Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?
- Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?
- Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?
- If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?
- If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?
- Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?
you know what is better than a feminist mom? a feminist babysitter! My sitter came the first day in the t-shirt you have posted! How happy was I to skip out the door knowing she was in such good hands!!
I’m the feminist mom in an entire feminist family! I just did a post on my blog about raising a feminist son, and, without meaning to, I’ve already answered a lot of the questions you posed in this article.
Here’s the link, for those interested.
http://8poundpreemie.blogspot.com/2011/01/christian-feminist-mom-raising.html
I read this this morning and have been thinking about it all day. I am getting there in terms of something to send to you…
This is so good for me to be doing, too. I want to know all of these answers, but I am surprised to find that I don’t–not off the top of my head, anyway.
Will get back to you with something coherent in a few days. Last night my boy thought it was time to play for several hours of the time we generally think of as Sleep Time (well once upon a time I thought of it as Drinking and Dancing Time, but those days are gorn) and today I’m having trouble typing let alone responding intelligently to questions.
Unfortunately I’m at work, and people do tend to expect intelligent answers around here.
I have answered your questions on my blog. I probably should have stopped and thought about it for a while, but realistically if I didn’t do it now (while Lily is napping) it would never have happened…
http://nopod.blogspot.com/2007/10/what-does-feminist-mother-look-like.html
[…] a feminist mother of boys Guest post: Shelli on her feminist motherhood, in reply to this post of mine. Shelli is partnered and the mother of two young boys. […]
this might take me a couple of days – that’s a lot of questions!
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It’s amazing to read these. Now that the fevers have broken, the vomiting has stopped, the cough has resolved, and the rash is subsiding (it’s been a bad week for the little ones around here), I’m hoping to get something together for you.
I’m a femininst dad cause I’m going to teach my girly the same rough and tumble skills, catching a ball, throwing a punch, casting a fishing line, and dusting off and getting back up after minor tumble, that I would a son. If after that she says she wants to be dainty in pink, it won’t be for lack of options.
Taught my 7 year old sister in law to throw a left right combination- her conservative parents were flumoxed!
[…] November, 2007 by penguinunearthed Blue milk, a few weeks ago, asked all her readers to answer some questions about feminism and […]
I did this today – very thought provoking. Thanks!
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Hi, I was googling and found your questions. I thought it would be fun to answer- so I put it up on my blog. I know it’s late, but if you’re interested- here’s a link:
http://kelly.zqfm.net/blog/
[…] you must read her definition of feminism in one sentence Two more have tackled my 10 or so questions about feminist motherhood. Firstly, there is Casey from Expectant Waiting, and I very much enjoy her writing so I’m […]
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Thanks for commenting on my blog!! I’ll try to get to these questions, it’s only that I’m knee deep in dissertation work right now. I have to turn in my dissertation to my committee in two weeks.
Well, I hope you visit again. The first question I’ve actually answered in an older post that I link to in my current post…
[…] the mother of two sons (I think, I’ve only just discovered her) and she’s responded to my 10 plus questions on feminist motherhood […]
Question1-
My feminism- I am a human being and wish to be treated as well as human beings are theoretically SUPPOSED to be treated.
I think I have always been a feminist. I always thought of myself as human !I remember shoveling walks at age 8- because I wanted a toboggan- the boys were shoveling- so I went. Didn’t tell anyone- my father got a congratulatory call from an 80 year old lady whose driveway I had cleared !Other questions later !
Question 2.
That my husband considered my children and I as possessions- to do with as he pleased- and that so many other humans seem to think mothers are- useless/ill/unstable etc. Still boggles my mind- the way mothers and children can be treated -.Talk about destruction – – –
Question 3
Later- this is real biggie -for me !
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[…] 13, 2008 by blue milk Tonight I took stock of the responses I’ve received to my 10 questions about your feminist motherhood (and my two responses to feminist fatherhood) and I felt, corny as it sounds, honoured. First of […]
ah sigh here, looking back over thrity odd years of being a single feminist parent of two very different boys. Back then choosing to become a mother was regarded dubiously and as for having two boys that was regarded as pure carelessness. I had strong ideas that gender difference was a patriarchal conspiracy. We had a Kids Ko-op Child Care with leading lights in the pro feminist mens movement as role models. I remember one of the men getting the children to carry and care for an egg for a day as a way of promoting nurturing behaviours in boys and girls. I studied and worked and my ex partner had half time care of the boys. I had this belief that if men could really connect with and care for children then they would naturally want to be equally involved in parenting. This would in turn lead to decreases in sshit like domestic violence and wars with empathic connection being the propholactyc. ( It was the seventies/early eighties, atime we thought we could change everything!)
My boys turned out very differently- one very intellectual and reflective the other fully into male stuff, cars , beer, bad behaviour etc.
I now have the golden opportunity to revisit some of this as I now co-parent my grandaughter with her father my son. She is two and a half and her emotional and language skills are ace. Her father was being his surly, beer drinking self when she says to him “Daddy, We can talk about it!” what I do see is my sons path and partial re-education by his daughter
Looking back now I think how your boy children turn out is kind of a mystery. I had planned to create non sexist non racist empathic men. The reality is way more complex – a mystery if you like. My though is that if the care and raising of children were the centre of culture, our sacred task mothers would not be struggling as much as they seem to be.
[…] I begin this blog, almost entirely in reference to a blog from 1 year ago asking the question: What does a feminist mother look like? posted by the intriguing bluemilk.(https://bluemilk.wordpress.com/2007/10/29/what-does-a-feminist-mother-look-like/) […]
http://breedermama.wordpress.com/2008/10/
Just came across your blog, fabulous, inspiring. So much so that I started my own blog just to respond.
Oh breedermama, what a lovely lovely comment. Looking forward to your blog.
The meme lives on! Thank you so much for these questions. I’ve answered them here http://raisingmyboychick.blogspot.com/2009/01/what-does-feminist-mother-look-like.html
When I started my own feminist-mother blog, I had no idea such an intelligent, engaging blog on the topic already existed — and thanks to you, I now know there are dozens, if not hundreds. I am not alone!
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How would you describe your feminism in one sentence?
The strength to face the storm, the will to rally the masses, the breadth to carry the burden, and passion to pursue to the future; bigger, better, brighter, stronger than any one dares to imagine.
When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?
I was born a feminist. I never knew a woman could be thought of differently until the outside world told me so. I always knew I was just as good, if not better; I never thought of myself as a woman but a person. Motherhood only made my passion to share my truth with others stronger.
What has surprised you most about motherhood?
How beautiful it is and how much it has given me; I always thought it would be a burden and a handicap; it has set me free.
How has your feminism changed over time?
I learned to respect men as equals, and try not to talk about them like they are below me. I have learned that men can be sensitive and intellectual, and they can be different, and they can change.
What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?
It has strengthened my feeling that women are powerful beings and that we are deeply underappreciated for the things we do, when we do the right thing. A feminist might know that equally shared parenting is right, but a woman knows a child needs cared for either way.
What makes your mothering feminist?
My daughter sees me driving the car and being in charge of everything; she plays with match box cars, toy guns and swords just as much as she plays with baby dolls. I let her make decisions and I don’t let her wear miniature sex-objectifying clothing. (just no booty shorts, please) I don’t teach her to be afraid of taking risks or trying new things, I let her do things for herself and tell her to speak up and use her words.
How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s?
I don’t think it’s a goal to put her in dresses and keep her out of the dirt. I think she should learn to be brave and independent, and I let her play with boys.
How does feminism impact upon your parenting?
I demand participation from my husband; I will not allow him to sit back and watch me do all the work. Fathers have the ability to nurture, and I believe in equally-shared parenting.
Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother?
Sometimes I feel like I have to bring a lot of conflict into my relationship with my spouse in order to stand up for what I believe in. Sometimes for the sake of peace I have to let it go, and also she just doesn’t respond to him like she does to me. Not because I’m her mother, but because he’s never been as active with her as I am.
Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?
No. I have always stood up for myself and I have always shown her the example of how strong and caipable a woman can be.
Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?
It was hard when I had to stay at home, because to me being a feminist meant I should be at work, and moving forward, and achieving goals. But we needed to be together.
Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?
The moment I felt my daughter’s life inside me, a dark cloud cleared from my life. I could for the first time see clearly and realize my worth. Before that as a person I was stagnant and depressed. When I knew she was with me I knew I had to show her what a woman can be.
If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?
My husband goes back and forth between being supportive and being uncomfortable. He was raised much more traditionally and it is difficult to break him away from that. He sometimes feels demasculated and intimidatd by my independence and ambition.
If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?
It is not very challenging to me because I was raised by a feminist father who practiced attachment parenting; it is the only kind of parenting I know. My father, grandparents, husband, mother-in-law, and best friend are the only people who are allowed to watch my daughter and she has strong relationships with all of them. This allows me to work, go to school, and have a little time to myself maintaining an independent feminist lifestyle.
Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how?
I think modern feminist sells us short and treats married mothers in feminism like traitors. Feminism is more integral to my identity than some of these people understand, and my circumstance in life will never change who I am. I am a feminist and I will make my own choices and do what I believe is right regardless of my marital status or status as a parent. That is a feminist.
Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?
Feminism has awarded us with credit and respect; and given us to right to share the burden of nurturing with our co-parents, family members, and community so that we have the right to pursue our dreams and maintain a dignified lifestyle.
I hope it’s not to late to answer this. I want to sit with the questions for a few days, but when I’ve come up with my answers I’ll post them on TheFeministBreeder blog and send you a link.
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1.: I don’t Know, what kind of feminist i think i am. moderatly, i guess. not sure, if there aren’t better words for it, like -for example and oh so surprising:- “equality (-ist)”.
I’m being it since i became a mother, because its such a strong, feminine thing to do/ way to go i guess. for the first time, i felt a huge solidarity to every woman out there. to those who have children, those who don’t, those who could have had and had abortions, those who fear about their career, those who struggle with all the many many people’s opinions about them and their body and chosen way to live.
2.: surprised i was about how f*cking difficult it can be sometimes, how heartwrenching and exhausting. how crazy i am able to love and care. and fear. and, last but not least: about my son, how he was himself from the first moment we met.
4.: i don’t know about the difference between mine and other people’s parenting, but what makes my mothering feminist in my opinion, is that i try to let my son be whatever he wants to. to accept him as his own kind of being. to teach him this kind of acceptance and respect against other beings. relating to that, i’m eager to live my own life at the same time. to get my studies done, to spend time with my friends and myself, to be someone apart of being a mother. i want to live with, not for him. in my thinking, thats all feminist- letting people be. accepting them as being all different but equal.
5.: i had some struggles with all this “how to be a good mother”-rot you have to hear, read and see all the time from anyone you didn’t ask. but as for that, its not important if you try a feminist or a less feminist way to mother. someone has something negative to say about your choices anyway, for sure.
i failed maybe, when i tricked my son into not buying the all pink and glittery and furry shoes he once wanted so badly. they were pretty much unbearable, to my defence-
6.: not at all. its more like a state of being, not a state of mind. (i’m not a native speaker, so i can only hope that one can understand that…)
7.: i don’t see, why they shouldn’t go together. does it make me less feminist, if i care about other people and concede for that?
8.: we aren’t a couple anymore, but for me, the most difficult it was to fight for my rights in this parenthood. to let him understand, that he is into that all the same as i am. so now, finally, we share parenthood, half the time our son is with his dad, the other half, he is with me. it was hard to fight out, and after gaining this goal, it was kind of hard to bear. but in the end, i think it is what’s best for all of us.
as for all the other decisions about education and stuff, we pretty much match.
10.: in some ways, every “ism” is in danger to fail someone or something, because its all about very -and sometimes too- strong opinions. i understand, that it was necessary in the beginning to make ourselves heard and taken serious. but i think, the discussion could use a little less sharpness and a little more understanding on every side, now that the major subjects are MADE heard. as feminism is all about solidarity (how i would point it), i wished there was some more “togetherness” in spite of “againstness” between every kind of women (-people). that i can do everything i want and also be a mother i owe to the feminist movement and for that i’m graceful. but “doing everything you want” includes also the choice to be a stay-at-home-mom for example. time has come for less public and more personal choices (again, if anyone can imagine what i try to point out…)
If feminism is concerned with women’s freedom, then feminism is aligned with motherhood, even if only because motherhood represents one of a range of choices to which any free woman should be entitled. The feminist manifestation of this aliance is political support for policies that give women the economic freedom to choose education
and/or motherhood, wage labor or entrepreneurship.
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This is a FANTASTIC post! I plan on talking about something similar in an upcoming post of my own. Thank you for putting this out there!
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Thank you for this post…I’ve really enjoyed the challenge of putting a response together:
ps. hope the cake worked well
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Here are my answers! http://newfeministmom.blogspot.com/2011/04/disconnect-between-mother-and-feminist.html
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Oh. I emailed you, but was I supposed to post my answers here? Well, here they are: http://contentedlycrunchy.blogspot.com/2011/04/am-i-feminist-mother.html
And I posted a sort of follow-up almost immediately: http://contentedlycrunchy.blogspot.com/2011/04/follow-up-alreadyreligion-feminism.html
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Hi there!
I would like to use these questions for an article I’m doing for a feminist zine in Wellington, New Zealand. I can send you the responses I get (in the zine if you’d like) and I will be of course using you as the source and linking our readers to your blog so that they can read more of the responses that are here.
Would you let me know if you have any issues with this? Or aren’t happy for me to do this? Or if you have anything else you’d like to add?
Thanks so much!
Emma.
Emma, provided it is credited I am fine with that, and flattered. Would love to see the responses you end up getting, too. Good luck with the project.
Excellent! Thank you! I’ll be in touch.
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My boyfriend was raised by a feminist mother and it’s having adverse effects on our relationship. He doesn’t understand the concept of a man having a decent career and stability, and he hasn’t been consistent with his academics. This is a problem with me because I’m going to be graduating within a few years, finding a stable job, and wanting to start a family. I already feel like I want to have children.
I consider myself a feminist only to the extent (I joke) that I can’t cook and that I want to balance career and family. I do NOT consider myself a radical feminist who renounces motherhood. I do NOT want a man to fully support me. I just need someone who’s on the same page.
And unfortunately, men are becoming lazy because women are now able to support themselves, and sometimes even their spouses!
I am a feminist mother. I started becoming a feminist without even realizing it when I was about 10. I would watch my father work less hours than my mom then come home only to plop down on the couch drink beer and watch tv. And he would continue sitting there after my mom came home to make dinner wash dishes do laundry and cater to him like he had that entitlement solely because he was born a man. I couldn’t help but think that was wrong. It actually created a lot of resentment between my father and me and we would fight constantly. My parents divorced after 20 years when I was about 15 and my feminism only grew stronger. I now have two boys with my boyfriend and being a feminist has definitely created issues but I have made it very clear that I will not have my sons growing up thinking they have more rights than women. It even creates guilt at times because society has pounded it into our heads that we are women and if we don’t get everything done around the house take care of our kids and make our husbands/boyfriends feel like kings we have failed. This pushes me even harder. My oldest son is almost 2 now and over the past year I have realized that they come first. I think women sometimes concentrate too much on keeping a perfect house and marriage and they don’t realize that their kids appreciate being played with and talked to. Not having a mother with so much to do that she hardly has time for them. My boyfriend has come around a lot in regards to my views. He is Mexican mind you and while I don’t consider myself racist they are some of the worst when it comes to these views of women catering to men. His mother is the type who makes dinner every night. Washes everyones dishes does everyones laundry and even packs lunch still to this day for her husband and son. You could imagine while her life is my worst nightmare her son being with a feminist is her worst nightmare. I have learned a lot since my sons were born. The biggest thing I’ve learned though is to not acknowledge her smirks and remarks. I truly believe that a bitterness arises in women like this especially when seeing someone who refuses to just lay down and submit to a man because realistically they have done exactly that their entire lives. I wish instead of being mad these women would realize they have the power to break this cycle just the same as me. Men have instilled these beliefs upon us and can you really blame them? Who wouldn’t want to be able to sit at home doing whatever they want while their wife / significant other takes care of all the chores? Well I choose to take a stand. I am a Christian and get much critism from the Christian community for my beliefs. They say women were put on this earth as helpers for men. And while I believe this is true I also believe people get helpers confused with slaves. Women long ago didn’t have jobs or go to school so yes I understand why they would take care of the household chores while their man goes out and works all day. But women of today like myself are workers just as much as the men in their lives. How is contributing to the family income not considered help? I firmly believe if both adults work in a household the household chores should be divided evenly. I mean who decided that a woman who works all day is any less worn out than a man who works all day and therefore should take care of everything at home so her man can wind down? My house stays messy during the week because I choose to play with my sons when I get home from work for the couple hours I have before they go to bed. Why should I feel guilty for this? The weekend comes and my boyfriend works with me to get everything done. Not because he shares the same beliefs but because I refuse to cave in and accept a life where I am run ragged to the point where I have no energy left for my family. A home is made not from a house not from a woman who sacrifices her well being for her family but instead from a family who works as a team to get things done and makes sure EVERYONE in the family feels loved and appreciated. I can only hope that one day my sons will realize that women are no weaker or less important than they are and deserve the same love and respect that they will always be given.
[…] than a meme. I found this list of questions about motherhood and feminism (which originated with bluemilk) over at Penguin unearthed, and have enjoyed chewing over them. Warning: slight rants […]
[…] from her original response to my 10 Questions About Your Feminist Motherhood: Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist […]
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As the son of an ardent feminist, I think women should carefully consider whether they can really be a feminist and the caretaker of their children’s concerns that every child deserves in a Mother. I was “orphaned” by feminism as it lead my Mom not only to divorce my Dad, but also to champion women at every turn over even me, her own flesh and blood. The express and implicit denigration of men and their achievements inherent in the feminist ideology expressed by my only parent has left deep emotional scars on my psyche. Now at age 53 I see the hollowness of my Mom’s assertions that men always have advantages and that there is some male conspiracy out there to ensure my success over women. My Mom’s feminist teachings merely made me a tool for women’s agendas, which could never include my own success since I was a man. My Mom’s feminism not only separated me from my father, it separated me from her and set me up for a life of exploitation by less deserving but more politically savy feminists in the academy.
[…] week, Australian feminist mommy blogger blue milk reminded readers of her 10 questions about feminist parenting. It seemed like a good time to finally put in words what my tag might […]
[…] What does a feminist mother look like? These are my answers to Blue Milk’s ten questions. […]
[…] is a delightful response from The Travelling Circus to my 10 questions about your feminist parenthood. She shares some very interesting perspectives in her response, including being partnered to a […]
[…] Box WordPress PluginContinuing (belatedly) the series in which I answer the ten questions posted at Blue Milk concerning what a feminist mother looks like. Today is Part 3. You can see Part 1 here and Part 2 […]
[…] is a thoughtful and very flattering response to my 10 questions about your feminist parenthood from Maple Leaf Mama. The writer is Michelle, a woman married to an Italian and living in Italy […]
[…] the author of a contemporary fantasy ebook. Recently she turned her attention to responding to my 10 questions about your feminist parenthood and her answers are both fascinating and honest. After writing this not so long ago on my own blog, […]
[…] I think a pro-feminist man can probably say nothing more honest about his feminism than this: “My feminism is awkward. My feminism is a bit abstract, but so is my life.” I love that – because if a man is not finding feminism a bit of a struggle then chances are he is not being all that self-examining about it. That line was a favourite from the wonderful response by Not Unimportant to my 10 questions about your feminist parenthood. […]
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[…] can find all the many other responses in this series here. If you’d like to respond to these questions yourself you can either email me your answers and I’ll put them on blue milk as a guest post or […]
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[…] did this four and a half years ago, still mired in the new baby period. Now Lapin is five, and things are […]
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This is so wonderful. I have enjoyed your work for sometime now but completely missed that you have been compiling these Feminist Parenting questionnaires! I am collating feminist parenting interviews this year because it still does feel quite lonely out there. Especially in that intersection of feminism and attachment parenting!
Thanks for the lovely comment Cindy. Am keen to see your work on this.
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