So it has happened, all my swearing has paid off. My two and three quarters year old has said ‘fucking’ for the first time. What a milestone. Lauca didn’t say it in frustration or hostility, she just said it, much like everyone else does, because it is a fun word to pronounce and it can fit anywhere in a sentence.
I’m not a sailor but in my professional life everyone swears. It is male dominated, there is a hefty bit of macho swagger, and people are working under pressure so swearing is seen as acceptable. I’m used to the sound of swearing although I draw the line at ‘cunt’ being used as a swear word. Use it nicely or not at all. I can generally stop myself from swearing in front of lovely old ladies and the like but my self-control is not perfect. Some parenting books/forums warned me that I would be sickened if my swearing didn’t stop post-parenthood because one day I would hear my innocent child’s mouth sullied with a swear word. I thought parenthood was forcing enough changes on me without losing some of the best vocabulary for describing that impact.
As it turns out I wasn’t sickened. I had the decency to feel a little taken aback and so did her father who looked at me, eyes widened in surprise with a “so what do we do now” expression. (Oh parenting, constantly throwing you into situations you haven’t had time to find a position on and then criticising you later for inconsistency and disunity). I thought blankly for a second and then I remembered reading this post. Thank you blogging, you’ve taught me all I need to know about parenting.
Lauca, it is ok to say that word at home with Mummy and Daddy but don’t say it anywhere else because some people don’t like that word and if they hear that word they feel upset.
She seemed happy enough with that rule and she hasn’t said it since so maybe it worked. My partner looked at me with a “wow, you think fast but is that really how one handles this situation” expression, to which I responded with a “have you got any other ideas, and anyway I learnt that from a very smart parent” expression, and then he replied with a ”fair fucking enough” expression.
I’m taking notes.
Well played. And very entertaining unfortunately. We are trying to curb our indulgences with the ‘f’ word. It’s not working very well.
My kids are a bit older, and I’ve always told them that “for some reason, some words in this particular culture are considered bad. They’re just words though. Keep it in mind when you’re out and about.” When my then 6 year old whispered a swear word to his 4 year old sister, I invited him to tell me all of the swears he knew…it was quite a list! We had a laugh, and that was the end of it.
Well hot damn! Tee hee.
I so very much appreciate: “I thought parenthood was forcing enough changes on me without losing some of the best vocabulary for describing that impact.” Couldn’t agree more.
Do keep us posted as to the return of the f-word, when and if it should revisit your household via Lauca.
My parents decided to deal with my swearing (I think I was about five or six) by sitting me down and carefully explaining that there was one word I should never say, ever, as it was extremely rude to do so, and would shock people terribly. My dad said the word (Mom gasped in the background) so that I would know what not to say: Gazornenplatz. I asked what it meant, Dad said he couldn’t tell me. Then, every great once in a while, Dad, and once or twice Mom, would swear using this word. I was taken in–for a while–and then it slowly became a joke. I never said it myself. So the ol’ negative psychology backfired.
Deirdre, my Mum has taught my nephew that ‘bother’ and ‘gosh’ are the world’s naughty words. It’s (temporarily at least) distracting him from ’shit’, which he learned from his mother. She was very worried he’d swear in front of her mother and she’d get in trouble. He stubs his toe or drops something and says ‘bovver’ then clasps his hands over his mouth at his naughtiness.
Yeah, mine have taken on to swearing on occasion. I have to admit that I don’t allow it. I explained to A that older people understand when and where it is appropriate to swear and when you will offend other people. She still swears on occasion (mostly in mutterings towards younger siblings) but never in public, which is all I really care about anyway.
It’s going to happen to me, because we can’t seem to stop swearing. My husband and I vowed we would stop when Kiddo was three months old. He’s 16 months old now. Oh, well. I think I’ll take a page from your book. Thanks for the tip!
It’s amazing how a few looks can communicate volumes between partners, isn’t it?
kate mentioned sh*t. That’s an interesting one, because even chimpanzees and gorillas use it as a swear word to express annoyance. In academic papers, the sign language is typically rendered as “dirt”, but “dirt” is the sign taught for brown stuff in the toilet. Thus you get “dirty Peter, dirty dirty dirt dirt” signed to the experimenter when a toy is taken away from the chimp.
So, if other great apes use exactly the same real-world object to express exactly the same abstract thoughts (a bad situtation, or an annoying person), then it says something fairly deep, and that maybe trying to stop people saying sh*t can’t work.
I do my absolute best not to swear in front of my children, but my husband is a bit short on self control in the swearing department. I fully expect my children to swear. I do when they aren’t there. However, I expect them not to swear at home. This isn’t rampant hypocrisy (at least, that’s my story!), it is a life skill. There will always be times in your life when you know it is inappropriate to swear – or even more important, beneficial to you if you don’t. Being able to turn swearing on and off as required is a very useful talent.
My father was a fantastic role model (wow, whoda thunk that sentence would be said about my Dad?) in that respect. Until I was old enough to go drinking with him, I essentially never heard him swear. But he was a champion in the right environment. Although I must admit, our whole family had downgraded “shit” to ordinary vocab by the time my younger sister was about 6.
My boys hear a bit of swearing from time to time (mostly from me when driving) and occasionally try out a word to see if they can get away with it. Most recently my four year old said “the man in that car is a fucking wanker isn’t he Mum?” Yes, darling, he is….
my fourteen year old son polices my swearing in front of the toddler with all the self righteous outrage of adolescence. He insists its ‘not necessary’ and its not fair for HER, because “someone will thinks she’s being naughty and she won’t understand why.”
I have to say this kind of parental good intentions from a 14 year old boy actually impresses me. I love his level of voluntary, automatic involvement with small people – (like when he gets his sister her afternoon tea or a drink simply in answer to her needs and not because he’s been asked by me, or cuddles her when she cries instead of just handing her over, like his father would have done with him..) so I do my best to keep a lid on the swearing, because I think its reasonable input from someone so involved, and I want to encourage their closeness as siblings (though we have had some fairly heated discussion about the difference between ‘parental suggestion’ and giving orders to your mother which is NOT allowed.. . the only problem is that in moments of great stress she STILL looks at me expectantly – and if i don’t say ‘oh shit..’ – she says it for me.
[...] In fact a lot of the speech patterns you’ve picked up are really sweet and prim. Except for the odd “fuck”. Also, the way you try to use new turns of phrase, like just then, you said – “you are [...]