My new mother friend refers to her old electric baby swing as the neglect-a-tron. I was a little surprised.
First, I was really surprised to learn that those things actually work for some babies (I thought they were like Nigerian scams). A little too well, she told me. She still felt guilty about a perceived over-reliance on the neglect-a-tron to soothe the baby while she tended to the other child. Second, I was surprised to hear the guilt. If it worked, I told her, it couldn’t have been so unpleasant for the baby, where’s the harm? Because we’re attachment parents, she said, we’re supposed to be holding our babies.
In my first year of motherhood I would have known to be skeptical of this kind of guilt but I wouldn’t have completed resisted it. Now? I am over it. I have worked on guilt and boundary-setting for the past 15 years or so and what do you know, I’m finally getting somewhere. I have no desire to define motherhood in that way anymore. I don’t want to come across as superior, I still have plenty of my own issues to work through but mother guilt is well on the way to being resolved. Although not so resolved that I didn’t respond with some caution to her, for me, guilt can be contagious.
So aside from not needing to push it every so often, how is the neglect-a-tron really different from the rocking cradles people have been putting babies in for centuries? If I’d thought it would actually work I would have bought one!
Well, congratulations on leaving guilt behind. You deserve to give yourself a great big treat.
This is such a good subject and you have such a good attitude towards it.. I too am working on leaving behind the guilt. I had to accept that things MUST be done differently when you transition from just one to more than one. Raised as an only child, I realize that giving a child a sibling is such a wonderful invaluable, gift..but the tradeoff is the realization (and acceptance)that it is impossible to raise multiple children as only children and one shouldn’t feel guilty about it.
Also, Kate’s right – what’s the difference in the swing and the crib/cradle?
It is funny – for every gismo that claims to make mothering easier, there seem to be about 10 books telling women that anything that might make motherhood easier is BAD BAD BAD! Hummm… what could prompt people to shame any woman who tries to be a mother without giving up all her free time, interests, and sanity?… it’s almost like there is some perversive anti-woman agenda, or something…
My daughter has never forgiven me for giving her a sibling
Shawn Burns did a post a couple of days ago where he pointed out that we pretty much abandoned common sense and the advice of our elders for every new quacked-out theory that comes along.. Somehow, every new book salesman has the power to override our instincts, our loving grandmothers’ advice and feel guilty if we don’t..
Really Helen?
[...] but for whatever sexist reason I tend to internally condescend to the extended breastfeeding.I have certainly struck a kind of strong leaning towards guilt in my attachment parenting circles, but I don’t think, [...]