I saw her in the parenting room. You couldn’t miss her. Baby wailing, mother muttering loudly to all of us in there. She just wants to be picked up. As soon as I pick her up she’ll stop. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her, she just has to be held all the bloody time.
I rolled my eyes, thought she’s a frickin’ baby, of course she wants to be picked up, so pick her up already. Then that mother sat down and fed her baby next to me, and I worried that she’d seen me rolling my eyes so I made conversation with her.
Last baby was nothing like this baby, she told me. She says there is nothing wrong with this baby, but maybe there is, she wonders. How can a baby cry this much, and for no good reason? How can a mother hold her baby all the time? How can you get dinner made, supervise the homework of the other child? Why won’t this baby sleep more/better/out of her arms?
I listened, I nodded, I remembered. Oh yes, I remembered. Because my first baby was like this mother’s baby. Difficult, fussy, unhappy, exhausting. And my second baby, while still a baby and all the demands that come with that, is a lot easier. But it only takes one day with him when he isn’t as easy, when he is sick and crying and unable to be distracted or put down for a moment to transport me right back to that first time. To be honest, on those days I feel kind of depressed and it isn’t until the day has passed that I realise where I have been.
So, I offered some unexceptional advice. Take it easy on yourself. Lower your expectations. Accept the baby, she will grow out of it. Insist on down time from your partner. Do something nice for yourself. Get company during the week. Don’t sit it out alone.
And when I left the parenting room I quietly admonished myself, just a little. That mother wasn’t unreasonable with her baby, she was embarrassed (having the most unhappy baby in the parenting room again) and she was just plain burnt out.
“it isnt until the day has passed that i realise where i have been” amen. . no 3 isnt even a 10th of the work no 1 was. she was walking hell. sucky sucky touchy touchy touchy . still is. i tell the bloke all the time how lucky he is to be blessed with a happy baby from day 1. he missed the first 2. I think he thinks its all about his parenting! lol.
I was blessed with low expectations of babies, and a first baby who confirmed that. He screamed 7 hrs every night (4-11pm). But then, he didn’t stop when I picked him up. He screamed regardless. I was useless and pointless in whatever suffering he was going through. That is freeing. I was lucky. I didn’t have to feel guilty, because there was literally nothing I could do.
Parenting will shape your children, but your children will shape your parenting – I celebrated my angel baby (the 2nd one) every day until he became the toddler from hell.
Enjoy your easier baby. Everyone deserves one.
Maybe it helped her to hear those things. Maybe not at the moment, but later she may appreciate that someone reached out to her. I would.
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*nods* No. 1 was like that for me, too. Boy was a little easier – but not much. They both wanted a lot of mum time. But now they’re both super independent!
Oh, except that boy follows me around talking talking talking, which sometimes gets a bit much and I think “chill, Helen, you will miss this so much when he’s no longer here.”
My baby was like that too. He’s still full-on touchy touchy but it’s not as intense as it was when he was a baby. Sometimes you just have to do whatever gets you both through the day alive. I did sometimes put him down screaming while I had a shower and centred myself, then took him out of the house, to a cafe, to my mother’s, to walk all over the freaking suburb or into the city for lunch with a relative, just because I knew I wouldn’t kill him if we were in public. As a bonus, sometimes the outing was enough to distract him and he’d stop crying. If he didn’t stop at least I’d had a coffee or lunch or whatever. I felt very guilty about it til I visited a friend who had twins, one was clingy, the other was uber-clingy. She wasn’t guilty, sometimes you just have to put the clean and fed clingy crying baby done while you change the other baby’s nappy, she told me. And she was right. We’ve only got so many hands, we live in a culture of nuclear families, there’s only so much you can do for your baby when you’re weighing up their needs with everyone elses in the family. There’s only so much cuddling you can do when it’s your job to anticipate your baby’s practical needs too.