I don’t know if ‘Emm’ is just stirring the pot or if this is a genuine question on her part (and I so don’t want to start a flame war) but when I wrote a post yesterday on the work involved in returning to work after having a baby I received this comment:
motherhood must be hard. but isn’t it rewarding? I mean to have such a beautiful baby and something to be proud of.
This, here, is such a common response to any time a mother gripes about anything that while I was going to write a comment in response to Emm’s I then thought maybe this would be better being a post.
So Emm, yes it is rewarding and yes I have a beautiful baby (thank you for saying so) and yes, motherhood is hard work. I write about all three of those aspects on this blog, and I think I might even have covered all of them at once in the post to which you’re responding. But you know what is kind of a pain in the arse? When you’re talking about the hard work bit of motherhood and people say “but isn’t it rewarding?”.
It would be a bit like you talking about your job and how tired you are today and how someone called in sick so you basically had to work two jobs and it is already extra busy right now and ya know, on top of that your boss gave you this ridiculously short deadline. And I say in response to you “Yeah, but isn’t it rewarding? I mean you get paid for that job, right?”. Then you would say “Yes, yes I do get paid, and I am not saying that I hate my job and I am planning to bomb the building or anything, I was just saying how hard it is right now, that’s all”.
Combine all of that with the reality that you aren’t paid for motherhood, that in fact you can be economically disadvantaged many times over if you become a mother, and that this is in spite of the fact that the work you do in raising children is real work with real productivity benefits for the economy, and you can see that “isn’t it rewarding?” is a most grating response.
I never get asked if motherhood is rewarding, just horrible looks if I say anything horrible about it and then something about ‘knowing what I got myself into’
Yes!
That is all.
If motherhood were not rewarding few of us would do it deliberately. It is fascinating that before having a child, the disadvantages and difficulties are obvious, but often the joys and rewards are not, but are assumed to exist. One of my daughters commented after her first baby was born – a wanted baby – ” I didn’t know I’d love him so much”. It is indeed difficult to realise how difficult mothering, fathering and parenting can be. Mothers continue to experience the most difficult aspects.
Yep, it’s rewarding, no I’m not a bloody saint and I get to complain about my job (motherhood or paid work) if I want to.
O/T: I watched the 7.30 report, he was just gorgeous!
Very well said bluemilk!
I have also had “you chose to do it, stop complaining” from a classmate. That was right before I hit him. He didn’t say it again.
Well said, bluemilk.
I think it is deeply ingrained. It has been in many people’s interests over the centuries to highlight the rewarding aspect of motherhood and child rearing because otherwise questions might be raised about why exactly parents aren’t paid/supported in this absolutely vital job.
I found in the coffee-group days of toddlerdom that there’d be a silence and then a change of topic if I even said anything negative about motherhood. No complaining or negativity allowed, stick to the script: it’s the most rewarding job I’ll ever have, they’re such blessings… etc.
Yep, there were many tumble weed moments for me too. I was shocked that nobody told me how dull, unrewarding and humiliating it can be. I agree bluemilk it is in society’s interests to perpetuate these wonderful ideas. I have a lot of friends who’ve chosen to not have kids, they think I’m up my arse when I say that it’s humiliating but they don’t realise the unnoticed unrecompensed endless grind that goes into mothering.
Crap, I also meant to say: well said. As always. 🙂
I am sure I’ll get the same deal as this when I have children ( coz I KNOW I’m gunna complain). I encourage my girlfriends to express what trials they have about their mothering, and to do so without guilt, because I’m so impressed with how they’re getting on. But, right now, there is only a feint shadow of sympathy I can share with you to do with teaching, because ‘it’s so rewarding’ (and there’s an apparent mountain of holidays). When I complain about, or simply express, my grief I see people eye me with righteousness and mentally brand me as an undeserving whingeing martyr. (Or am I merely projecting…?)
As a teacher I get that one too. Dear, dear friends, sometimes, when a friend talks about an aspect of her occupation that she finds difficult or disagreeable, you should just nod sympathetically instead of telling her why she shouldn’t feel that way (the ‘it’s like that for everyone’ argument always confuses me, because if it were like that for you too, wouldn’t you have some empathy?). YES the long holidays are awesome (the parts of them that we don’t use to prepare for the next term) but with all the crap we deal with, WE NEED THEM.
I hope one day I’ll be a mother, and if anyone gives me the ‘but isn’t it rewarding?’ when I talk about why it’s hard work, I think I shall deposit a soiled nappy in their lap.
Or at least think really hard about doing so.
I think sometimes people say that because maybe it looks so awful from the outside that they have to presume/assure others there’s something really super-duper rewarding about it. Surely there has to be to make up for all the crap?
Yeah, there’s a lot of fear about saying that it’s not always all that rewarding in fact, that it could stand a lot more reward of some kind (money?) or another (undying gratitude?).
You nailed it. Beautifully put!
right on!
I’ve noticed since becoming a parent how parenthood is quite similar to ‘couplehood’ in terms of the way we tend to put on a facade about how good it all is. So everyone in a sense mutually lies to each other so that it becomes very difficult to have honest conversations about the bits that aren’t that nice. For some reason it’s also quite easy to believe everyone elses stories/myths even though you’re doing it as well so should be able to recognise it!
I try quite hard not to be like this but sometimes it’s just easier to play the game.
by the way- i nearly cried yesterday when I got my first post mat leave pay check-the drop in pay from reducing my hours combined with nursery fee (£540/month which people keep telling me is cheap!) made me wonder what i was doing back.
When you put it that way, it becomes clear that “But isn’t it rewarding?” is code for ‘You’re not allowed to say anything bad about mothering, ever, unless you surround it with high defensive walls of ritualized positive affirmations”.
Yay Blue Milk, exactly what I was just thinking.
‘But isn’t it rewarding?’
Well yes, sometimes.
Gaah! This pressure to pretend motherhood is all hearts and flowers! It doesn’t make us better mothers. It doesn’t benefit our children. All it does is make us feel guilty and inadequate when we do struggle.
Bluemilk your love for your children is palpable through your blog, so please don’t listen to any attempts to subtely undermine you, and what you have to say. I would like to offer my personal thanks for having the honesty to tell it like it really is; because in doing so you are providing real support for other mothers, that genuinely does benefit them and their children.
When I reflect on being a mother to my children and the “occupation” of mothering there is a distinction in my head. Rewarding doesn’t come close to explaining the depth of love that I feel about being a mother to my children, however many of the responsibilities that go along with being a mother I find tedious, monotonous and undervalued.
As self-responsibility is a value that is important to me, I do try and challenge the rut that my thoughts get into when doing these never ending tasks.
There are a couple of beautiful songs that I listen to that help me to re-think my views of the “occupation” of mothering. One of these is Gillian by The Waifs (unfortunately I can’t find a good link so you can listen if you are unfamiliar). The other On the Wire by Kev Carmody. In 2008 at the Sydney Festival talking about the young man in this story who returns to the women in his community to care and nurture him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgbwbZVu2qE
Both these songs prompt me to rethink how I measure value and appreciation. Sometimes I need to listen to more than once!
Rewarding, yeah, if you count an undisclosed poo that falls out of a pull-up on to the floor of a public toilet as a reward…. (Sorry, that was my afternoon)
I have come to thoroughly savour the looks I get when I declare my undying disaffection for babies (I rather like toddlers, and they continue to get better as they get older). Funny how we’re not allowed to express our own, varied thoughts on parenthood.
Yes, to me it is just a code for “No complaints allowed”.
I was (and remain) stunned by the vitriol that I experienced in response to a post that I wrote about pregnancy and identity. Both men and women bombarded the post (on online opinion) with comments about why I should be grateful and how dare I complain about finding any of it difficult etc.
Even in person you get the same stuff – people who say things like “Isn’t it great?” (ie Do not tell me anything that isn’t positive. Express nothing but gratitude for your children/state of pregnancy.)
I see all of it as blatant attempts to silence women from talking about the challenges that they experience and from considering asking whether some of them could be ameliorated by a better support system and by a greater recognition of the bloody hard work that is motherhood.
(Of course, some of the comments are not intended that way, but they have been co-opted by the same attitudes towards mothers.)
Coming in late, b/c following links from a later post – Since “Emm” hasn’t returned to your reply I can think we can call “Troll” at this stage.
And just to say tonight my reward is here in the form of my son making me cack myself with laughter with his wit and comedic talent, but I too went back to work. And everyone survived.
Grr. My post got lost.
But yeah. Just because I chose to work at home and not go back to my previous job, does not mean I cannot ever have a crappy day. Or that I am not allowed to mention said crappy day. I had plenty of crappy days when I worked out of the home- there is just no escaping those crappy days.
Love you blog – I found it through PhD in Parenting
I just discovered this blog post. Thanks so much for once again articulating why I find that comment so annoying.
A friend of mine just had a baby after experiencing two years of infertility and a miscarriage. I sent her an email congratulating her and saying that I hoped she was getting some sleep (you know, the usual hackneyed wish that people often give new mothers). She replied that given her experiences with pregnancy she has more perspective and the lack of sleep is a blessing. Although I am trying not to be, I felt kinda annoyed by that – like she was saying that any negativity somehow meant that one didn’t have perspective on motherhood and what a miracle a baby is. And she was somehow above other mothers who express any negativity. Of course, all in the context of her not knowing anything about my own experience.
I know I should just let it go (especially given my friend’s difficulties in having a baby) but I just had to rant about it here to get it out of my system.
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That’s why I love this blog. Love it! I love mothering but I find that it requires a lot of headspace and energy and people talk as if it should all come easily. I have often wondered over the 11 years I have been at home full-time, if relying on the income of my partner with only short bursts of casual work negates my claims to be a feminist. And now I see you have a book that looks perfect for me right now. Can’t wait to read it.