What Guys Want!

Sometimes an article is written that just begs to be read, that is so clear-headed you wonder how the world got this muddled on the topic in the first place. This is one of those articles.

But if we stopped looking at “hook-up culture” as intrinsically good or evil, then what about those young women Simmons and Bogle describe — the ones who feel pressured into accepting arrangements they don’t want? Well, here’s another thought: What if we focused on teaching girls to “act on desire and advocate for themselves sexually” instead of fretting about an entire generation being ruined by meaningless blow jobs, or longing for a time when the dating “rules” were simpler? (I suppose things were significantly less complicated when rape was a “bad date,” women were expected to decline sex even when they wanted it, the only acceptable options for pregnant teens were immediate marriage or temporary disappearance, reliable birth control was difficult to come by, ignorance about STIs was rampant, intimate partner violence was strictly a private matter between two people, etc. Sometimes — I’m just throwing this out there — a little additional complexity might not be a bad thing.)

From where I’m sitting, the problem that needs solving isn’t hook-up culture, but the intense pressure on girls and women to focus on getting and keeping a guy, rather than on getting and keeping whatever they want. Media aimed at the female of the species from adolescence on up hammers on a few simple messages. 1) If you’re not heterosexual — or for some other reason don’t see landing a boyfriend as your primary purpose in life — you don’t exist. 2) Landing a boyfriend is about understanding What Guys Want and doing whatever it takes to become that. 3) Keeping a boyfriend is about continuing to be What Guys Want, and if your relationship fails, it’s probably because you did something Guys Hate.

Kate Harding can write!