Father of the Rain: A Novel
Several years ago, I read a parenting book that claimed, with all sorts of studies to back up this claim, that women get their self-esteem almost solely through their relationship with their father. Given that our society, and our world, is still quite patriarchal, it makes sense that a man’s opinion of you is what is going to matter more. Just a few days ago I found one of the first notes to myself that I ever wrote about this novel. There were possible scene ideas, and then at the bottom it said: “The way we were treated by our father is the way we expect the world to treat us.” Father of the Rain is one woman’s efforts to escape that fate.
(Confession: I would have wanted to like this novel even if it weren’t so beautifully written. Its protagonist is a feminist academic attempting to resolve issues around her charismatic but unpredictable and rejecting father. Somewhat close to home for me).
The book takes up the story from three different points in time – through the eyes of an eleven year old child watching her parents divorce; as a young woman embarking on a career while facing an opportunity to rescue her father that could simultaneously dismantle her own life; and, as a middle-aged mother with a family of her own waiting to see if closure is possible with her father.
But the novel is not nearly as heavy-handed and therapy-driven as that description may sound. It is a wonderfully astute, intelligent and thought-provoking story of family dysfunction. One of those rare novels where you almost never see where the writing craft begins and the characters end. Its exploration of WASPs, divorce, conservative-liberal conflict, step-families, fatherhood, daughterhood, alcoholism and atypical parent-child relationships – with all the reversals of roles and collapsing boundaries that that entails – is perfectly rendered here in Father of the Rain.
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Now, on another note about Lily King. I know it is limiting for female artists to be questioned about how they manage to combine motherhood with their career but secretly I am always pleased when they’re asked about it in an interview, especially when they say something as useful and reassuring as King did in this instance:
You once told me that given the option between writing and your daughters, you will “choose my children over my writing every time.” Can you talk a little bit about navigating motherhood and authorhood?
Before my children were in school full-time it was a chronic struggle and confused me to no end. I had part-time childcare and was constantly reconfiguring the hours. I never felt like I had enough time to write, and yet I missed my children terribly in the hours that I did have. Then they went to school and the balance was righted.
There is hope. Just three more years until both of mine are at school.
Also, Lily King’s personal reading list is worth a glance.
WOW! You couldn’t have reviewed a book that sounded more appealing to me at this moment. I also love her thoughts on getting your kids in school and how it helps with balancing your schedule more. I think it’s important for me to stop measuring my progress on a daily basis and take a longer view of things. Thanks for sharing.
I want to read that book!
(though my views on children and school are obviously very different given my life choices) I too am always fascinated how women strive for balance. I cringe a little every time I hear the question posed though. I have never once heard an interviewer ask a male author how he does it…
That quote from Lily King was just what I needed. Thank you.
“The way we were treated by our father is the way we expect the world to treat us.”
That is resonating QUITE a bit with me right now.
This book sounds fascinating, I’m adding it to my list of books to read. Thank you so much!
Thanks for this. I too love the idea that the ‘balance will be righted’ once my son is in school. There is hope that life might not be so messy in a few years time! I feel constantly confused at the moment about how to manage writing/work and time with my son.
As an aside, given that I’ll probably buy the book, are you able to link book reviews like this to Amazon or something similar where you get some sort of credit for your readers buying the book?
Thanks for the suggestion of linking book reviews to Amazon – you gave me the motivation to finally do just that.
[...] blue milk, we have a review which explores the notion that the way we were treated by our father is the way we expect the world to treat us (and some work-life balance talk besides). Also at blue milk, a guest post from Joan Garvan: [...]
I was bouncing from post to post a while ago and I read this. I remember being stopped in my tracks by reading “The way we were treated by our father is the way we expect the world to treat us.”
I’m not looking for some overarching theory to ‘explain my life’ or anything, but it stuck in my head and I was mulling it over/it was working in the background.
I’m at the point of taking on a mortgage and moving in with my partner of nearly four years and while I feel more confident and relaxed in our relationship than ever before, I have noticed a couple of areas of extreme emotion triggered by something quite trivial. But I’d noticed a pattern to what those triggers were, and I’d started to trace back what was underlying it in terms of how I felt.
I went to see my counsellor this week and as I told her about these triggers and emotions she stopped me and asked if I thought it had anything to do with my father. I think I was about to laugh and say it was ridiculous when I had a ‘moment’ of it fitting together amazingly: that my fears about moving forward are about being treated in certain ways and those ways, lo and behold are the ways my father treated me and treated my mother, which coincidentally are the ways my son’s father treated me and continues to treat my son. My son’s father is back in the country briefly and I’ve inadvertently been interchanging his name with my partners in my head despite their complete differences.
Anyway, I’m thinking about writing a post (or a series of them) as I try to unpack this stuff and my attempts to sift through it so that it doesn’t poison my current relationship.
And I may well read the book. All of which is a long way of saying ‘Thanks’ and letting you know that something I’d read here had triggered a lot of fairly important thinking.
wishing F*ckpoliteness (above) the best of luck in her challenge outlined.
Lily King speaks for many I fear.
I am very close to a woman with serious father issues, which will not be resolved, since he is 87 and all his responses are inappropriate (not sure if it is due to Asperger’s or Narcissistic Personality Disorder), and her own health is suffering badly as a result. She blames him/her childhood issues for the failure of her marriage (to a similar man), and dreams of killing him.
Unlike Lily’s father, this one had a charisma bypass.
[...] with this study, but interesting none the less and it reminds me of this interview with Lily King I talked about here, and this idea that the way our fathers treat us, as daughters, is the way we expect the world to [...]