Someone close to me is experiencing infertility and it is a bastard of an experience to go through. A fucking bastard. And what seems to make it worse are all the really, really stupid things people say to them while they’re going through it. Here is a wonderful post from a little pregnant about just that:
At a book signing for DioGuardi’s recent memoir, Access Hollywood asked her what she hopes to accomplish next. ”I’d like to have a baby,” she said. “I don’t know, I’ve been having a lot of sex, but it’s not working. I’d like to succeed at that, if my damn body would get with the program.”
Yeah, if only; in this memoir, DioGuardi reveals that she’s undergone three unsuccessful IVFs so far. So naturally the story about her attempts to get pregnant begins…
“Kara DioGuardi appears to be having a good time while she and her husband try to grow their family!”
Yeah, boy, Access Hollywood, you sure picked up on the salient point there. Infertility sex is a blast. Nothing more frolicsome than getting it on by the calendar, and sometimes even the clock, and if you’re really far gone, the stopwatch. What a romp it is, gazing lovingly into your partner’s eyes and whispering throatily, “I know you’re tired and need to get up early and have that thing going on with your neck, so you can just lie there while I do all the work”! I mean, what could be better than doing it solely because not doing it is going to make you cry?
Alittlepregnant has always been one of my favorite blogs because of posts like that.
The issue of scheduled sex reminds me strangely of these lyrics from the Flight of the Conchords Song, Business Time:
Aww Yeah
Girl tonight we’re gonna make love
You know how I know?
Because it’s Wednesday
And Wednesday night is the night that we usually make love
Monday night is my night to cook
Tuesday night we go and visit your mother
But Wednesday we make sweet little love
When everything is just right
There’s nothing good on tv
You haven’t had your after work social sport team practice
So you are not too tired
Oh, boy, it’s all love
You lean in and whisper something sexy like,
“I might go to bed. I’ve got work in the morning.”
I know what you’re trying to say baby.
You’re trying to say “Aww, yeah. It’s business time.”
One of my Facebook friends was posting infertility facts for infertility awareness week this past week. One of them dealt with the insensitive comments couples struggling with fertility get, including (and I couldn’t even believe it when I read it), “If you can’t get pregnant, it must be because God doesn’t think you’ll be good parents.” Seriously. People never cease to disappoint me.
Yeah, its like there is this cultural story about what sex and fertility is like for straight couples. That getting pregnant is easy (not for everyone). That if you are relaxed and don’t try to hard that you’ll get pregnant (not gonna work if you have two blocked fallopian tubes or you’re not ovulating). That the kind of sex you and your partner like to have is the kind that can get you pregnant (some of us aren’t into intercourse that much). That if you get pregnant that you’re gonna have a baby (lets ignore miscarriage and stillbirth). That you’ll get pregnant really quickly after you have a miscarriage. That if you get pregnant once after infertility that you’re body will now ‘know what to do’ and that you won’t have any more problems having babies. That you can choose whether and when you have children.
Some people go through life without ever experiencing anything that contradicts these myths. But where pregnancy is elusive or is repeatedly lost, they can make people feel even more isolated.
Oh yes, I still remember the ‘oh god do we have to?’ and we only had to do that once. So not fun for anyone.
I’ve heard stories from people talking about how when they stopped trying it just happened. But I wonder how many other people just smile a pained smile and change the subject?