Stench of negativity: a term that comes from the time my sister and her husband had spent all day bickering, the way couples sometimes do, and they tried to go picnicking because you always try to do something nice together when you’re having one of those days and its failure will just be one more thing to be irritated about; I don’t know why you’re drawn to the hopeless task of trying to be a better couple when you’re feeling so annoyed with one another but you just are; and he finally picked a spot to lay down their picnic rug and my sister then complained about the terrible smell. He told her it was the stench of her negativity. But a little more investigation revealed he was wrong, they were parked on the grass next to an enormous pile of dog crap. They laughed and hugged and loved each other again because sitting next to dog crap is funny.
The ‘stench of negativity’ is a very useful term for our household. We quite often find ourselves in an onslaught of negativity, madly attempting to resolve one complaint before being hit quickly with another, dashing from one positive reframing, ‘cheer up’ line to another, desperately hoping to get back to the happy moment we were all sharing a minute ago, certain that the next problem to be fixed will be the last before finally recognising what is happening here and telling Lauca to cut the negativity out because the stench is killing us. Parenting books suggest we put a nice spin on this ‘spirited child’ personality trait of hers – that we should call it ‘high standards’, which we try to do.. but honestly, how can a child have both overwhelming high standards and giant wads of ‘couldn’t give a fuck’ going on at once?
I don’t have kids, and won’t, but have watched other families and couples go through these “Text Book” situations. It’s a laugh.
I sorta feel like that is a healthy balance – you wouldn’t want high standards to be matched with ‘giving too much of a fuck.’ Sounds like Lauca has found a good balance.
She sounds like a teen before her years.
She sounds exhausting
Sometimes I have a ‘hang on I’m your mother not your maid moment’ and just snap back at them to do it themselves if they want it. I have also taken to insisting on being able to eat my breakfast, lunch, dinner whatever before getting them whatever it is they have decided they can’t wait for. Last night I told Mr 8 not to speak to his father like that after he issued some demand. Now that they are old enough to get things for themselves, but like to be waited on, it is easier to lay down the law. I will get it for them if I am getting something already, but if I am doing something else they wait or get it themselves.
Not sure if that was helpful or not?
Because I am a naturally (sorta secret) satirical and sarcastic type my first inclination is to give you a big, syrupy smile and instruct you to “Choose Joy!”
Because I have never wanted to give a big slap upside the head to my white, liberal ‘Natural Parenting’ cohort more than when they utter such asinine, simplistic and unhelpful crap.
On a less bitter but no more helpful note, I think it can be quite difficult to tease apart the strands of supporting and loving your child and giving them clear boundaries without being authoritarian, alowing them space to be who they are whilst giving yourself and everyone else in the family that same grace. I find myself trying to lay the groundwork of all this now that Tiny Tyrant is old enough to communicate more clearly with us, and navigate the world under his own steam. I suspect I’m being a bit lax and actually laying groundwork for a future family tyrant, too.
Lauca’s determination will be a fabulous trait for her when she’s an adult. I’m sorry you get to deal with it now.
Libra has days like this, too, whole days of Captain Crankypants when not even liberal use of the Grumpy Throne can alleviate his mood. Eventually I just tell him that he is free to remain grumpy, but that I have done all I can think of to help him work through it and clearly he needs to work through it on his own, and in the meantime will he please go be grumpy somewhere else because it is rubbing off on the rest of us and I do not need that. And I am sure that goes right over his not-quite-three-yet head, but it certainly feels good to say.
Now that the boy and girlchildren are both teenagers, I love it that they know we sometimes snap at each other in our negative moments but that they are still, always, loved no matter what.
Boychild has worked out that he can make me laugh like a drain when I’m trying to make a point and be disciplinarian! It’s terrible in one way but… hahahahahehehee!
And jaqbuncad, I love your Nature Boy avatar.
Nice to hear we are not alone, and also that the strategies I am trying are like those tried by others.