Thank you Economist for a sensible response on the crying babies in planes issue. Thank you, because you are written and read by more than a few conservative men and when I saw that you were looking at this issue, well, there was a little trepidation in me, and then I read your piece and thank you for getting it.
Using persuasion on crying children is something that non-parents are convinced will work — until the moment they become parents themselves and realize their own utter stupidity. No, if a child is bawling uncontrollably during a flight, it’s not because the parent is derelict in their parenting — it’s because they’ve already exhausted the first four policy options and have no recourse but acceptance.
I’m an economist, too, as it happens. And I also travel on planes occasionally with children. The other morning (a very, very early morning) we were all on a flight and I got chewed out by a guy for my children making noise on the plane because he wanted to sleep. I was pissed because the flight was an international one that had left at 4 in the morning, so yeah, of course he was tired, so was I and so were my young children and that’s why when they started squabbling towards the end of the flight it was more difficult than normal to resolve. (We had long since used up distractions of food and colouring-in books and looking out the window). I was also pissed because after a brief crying bout during take-off I had actually managed to get my toddler to sleep for the next two hours and he’d been heavy in my arms and it had meant I couldn’t move in my seat the whole time to go to the toilet or get a book or have something to eat lest I risk disturbing him and having him awake and crying again.
And yes, looking after my own kid is my job, bully for me, but I still felt like I had made something of a gesture to everyone’s peace already on the flight. I was also pissed because I wondered if whether Bill had been sitting there instead of me this guy would have felt so comfortable chewing a parent out. Finally, I felt pissed because this is life, kids are life, and I am sick of people getting shirty about this non-issue and taking it out on mothers, especially when I am frickin’ tired myself, thank you very much. It tells me something about how segregated our lives are, about how contained children and their mothers are, that the sounds of a baby crying on an aeroplane can cause such a fuss. That some people are not tolerant of these sounds the way they are of the sounds of a noisy city – that tells me something about the way it happens that women’s lives are not included.
People travel, people travel on cramped, budget aeroplanes; some of those people will inconvenience you and sometimes you will inconvenience them. Try to be nice about it, whomever you are, the wronged or wrong-doing. And Get Over It.
Amen to this. That man’s reaction also says something, I think, about the way that children are viewed by many in our society – the idea that adults should be able to exert complete and utter control over their every move, their speech, even their emotional expression. As if such a thing would even be desirable!
Shit yeah, the writer @ the Economist has it right. I also like to believe far more people belong to that school of thought than the obnoxious ‘can’t you control your child’ school of thought. I’ve flown a lot with my child over the last two years and have only had sympathy and assistance offered when the baby/toddler has had crying fits. (I am also VERY good at living in a bubble, according to my husband).
re the original article: I particularly liked the bit he quoted about the moral hazards associated with inducements.
Oh and my tip for entertainment when holding a sleeping toddler on the plane is reading books on my iPhone. It’s about the only thing small and light enough to use one handed without arm fatigue. The frequent page turns are annoying, but less annoying than an awake toddler.
We just had a long travel day with many many crying babies and toddlers and our blessedly staying-on-this-side-of-a-freakout five-year-old, all of us returning from the US Thanksgiving-visit-to-family thing. Every time the angry little fellow behind me kicked my seat, I thought, “Oh you poor parents. I am so glad to be the one getting kicked rather than the one trying to manage the legitimately pissed-off, exhausted, kicking eighteen-month-old.” It’s just SO MUCH MORE AWFUL to be that person. It also generally sucks more to be the wiped-out child trapped in an airplane seat than to be the mildly-inconvenienced adult. I was never a shit about it (thanks heavens), but having had my own child … now I’m absolutely afloat with empathy.
I remember getting stuck on a long train ride in front of a seat-kicker. After we got underway I turned around and played the worlds longest game of peek a boo, on the grounds that it was better than hours of being kicked and listening to a kid being told to stop kicking (which never works). That is the adult way to deal with something like that, not getting huffy about normal kid behavior. (And no, I don’t have kids and don’t want them, but it’s not that hard to be rational about it.)
I suspect that not only would that dude not have told your husband off, but also that your husband would have had more sympathy in general. Our society seems to view men which children as completely helpless, without a clue how to care for their own children. So when the kid goes nuts, if it’s on Dad’s watch it’s because the (mean, terrible, failure of a woman) mother put all that on his shoulders. While if they go nuts on hers, it’s because she can’t control her kid. *sigh*
Thanks for this.
It’s funny what people get angry about, that they can’t control. I’ve long since given up getting angry at external noises that wake me up or keep me awake – and I find that if you zone out and accept the noise as part of your environment, rather than wishing for it to go away, it bugs you way less. Even keeping still with your eyes closed is more restful than thinking about how you can’t sleep.
You’re right about people being segregated from babies, children and their parents’ lives as well though. I try to smile at people with cranky babies if I happen to catch their eye…
Boarding a flight tomorrow am with my 19m old. it’s her 4th flight in her short 19m. and you know what, she is a joy to fly with. and yet i still get automatic looks of “really, that kid is sitting back here?” the last time her and i flew was a short 2.5th flight that i timed perfectly to her nap time. we boarded, she was nursing, and seconds from sleep. then we were all forced to exit the plane due to some malfunction. i walked her on my back through five terminals to the 2nd plane. nobody offered me a seat while we waited. then we were all turned around to walk five terminals back to the original gate. and my baby slept through all that nonsense on her mama’s back. then we boarded the new plane at last. my baby woke and fussed for about 2min during boarding and i had three people make annoyed sighs and roll their eyes at me. i can still feel the hurt/anger of that day. we were all stuck there together. give a mama a break.
I got called a moron the other day for putting my daughter in the car. Apparently, says ingrate who will never change a nappy in his life no doubt, I should do it from the kerb side. No doubt never occurred to him that there might be another car seat there…
So anyway my point, apart from generaly empathy is that, well, I know this is an anti violence site but really people like your friend need a good [exercises self control and terminates sentence]. But they really do!
I find it really helpful when other passengers repeatedly look round, sigh, shift and shuffle and express their irritation. This prods me into action because otherwise I would quite happily sit for hours and hours with a screaming child on my lap. Knowing that my child is disturbing the rest of the flight and that my parenting is being judged makes me feel extra relaxed and also helps soothe my child.
What did you say to the guy bluemilk? I am generally lost for words in such situations and think of the perfect response only many hours later.
Hah hah! My thoughts exactly – yes, we all choose to have screaming children on flights.
I said to him “chill the fuck out, you’re a white guy with dreads for fucksake”.. very, very quietly, to the back of his head. Haha. I glared loudly to his face until he shut up and turned away. I was kinda happy with the result because the kids ended up being oblivious to it all.
ha, I had a run in with a bloke once when my youngest was newborn and I found myself actually saying to him ‘chill out man, it’s Christmas’. Those actual words. I still cannot quite believe it, I am not the sort of person who usually says ‘chill out man’.
One thing I thought was funny in the Economist article was the person who piped up saying that too often parents don’t plan properly for long flights and advised taking snacks, books and toys. Hah hah. I plan meticulously for long flight to the extent that I usually have no room in my bag even for my own passport. The idea that a parent would just casually turn up at the airport with nothing to entertain their child on the flight is absurd. But this person was clearly onto something – just think how much money they could make from this grand idea. Hey parents – take toys with you on the flight!
I have taken to making rude comments about how other people’s parents obviously failed to teach them manners when people make comments about my kids. I know this makes me as bad as them, but it helps me calm down and deal with my cranky child better.
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I must say, one thing I never understand is parents who fly with their kids in business or first class. Not because they shouldn’t but why would you want to when people are much more likely to be hostile to a screaming baby in business class. We flew from the UK to NZ in economy recently but just between the dividing line there was a woman with a baby in business class. It cried almost the whole way of the leg to LA. I felt so bad for her. People are much more understanding in economy. She didn’t even get to drink her free glass of champers on take-off.
On the same flight there was a mother who locked herself in the toilet with her screaming baby when it became nighttime. It was utterly heartbreaking. I could hear it screaming for just hours through the toilet wall. She must have been so desperate – the sound must have been even more ampilified in that small space. And the bright lights of the toilet (compared to the dimmed cabin lights) wouldn’t have helped the baby sleep. I wanted to knock on the door and tell her to come out and that we all understood but my husband told me that would stress her out even more. I felt so bad that she thought she had to lock herself in the toilet. She was in there for hours. Poor thing.
Yeah, so far Avery has always slept on flights (I love my Kindle!), and people comment on what a “good” baby he is. Yes, it is his compliance that makes him sleep. If he didn’t sleep he would be a bad baby and I would have to dock his pocket money.
Honestly, I’ve always had the greatest sympathy towards travelling parents, and crying/otherwise upset babies/children don’t bother me. They, unlike the troupe of 16-year-olds who found it wise to yammer on at the top of their lungs on a 6 o’what flight, aren’t supposed to know better. (For example.) They’re expressing pain, or tiredness, or frustration, or any combination thereof, and some days I wish I could do so by wailing, too. If anything, I’m somewhat envious. 😛
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There is a very easy solution – noise cancelling headphones. If you are flying coach there is a very real possibility that there will be a crying baby on board, I can never understand why people are so surprised.
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If I didn’t already know that I love you? I would now! After 13 flights in 8 weeks with three children last year (with their father too, thankfully) – yeah. I agree with everything (and have a post written – as usual on my phone – from one of those trips, once that had us leaving the airport hotel at 3am and arriving at our next desintation at the equivalent of 11pm (4pm there) and a stupid, stupid man, but i haven’t ever got around to posting it. ). But most of all, I agree with this:
“…this is life, kids are life, and I am sick of people getting shirty about this non-issue and taking it out on mothers, especially when I am frickin’ tired myself, thank you very much. It tells me something about how segregated our lives are, about how contained children and their mothers are, that the sounds of a baby crying on an aeroplane can cause such a fuss.”
[…] Economists with crying babies on aeroplanes […]