In most families, it’s financially essential to maintain or, in my case, reintroduce two incomes. By not being collectively honest about how Americans care for their kids and provide an income, most of us are left to perform the juggling act on our own and pretend we have it all under control.
From here in The Atlantic – “Supermoms Should Tell The Truth About Their Perfect Lives” by Melissa Stanton. And yes to more honesty from parents about how they are managing to combine work and family, particularly those who appear to be doing it successfully. I hope after two great pieces from The Atlantic on this topic that we get lost for a while in a giant festival of ‘work life balance’ truth-telling.
So true. After going back to work 3 days with a 6 month old and undiagnosed post-natal depression/anxiety last year I was astonished to be asked to be a mentor by a younger woman because “you are obviously so together with the work baby thing”. I took that as a cue to start some truth telling of my own – what it looked like from the outside was the polar opposite to what was (and still occasionally is) occurring in my life as a professional and a mother.
I agree there are systemic issues and also cultural issues that need to be resolved around this. However, I lean more toward this piece from yesterday that “you can’t have it all” is a human/western world issue — not just a woman’s issue. http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2012/06/why-theres-no-such-thing-as-having-it-all-and-there-never-will-be/258928/
Maybe I’m getting fatigued on the topic, but I am finding that everything I read on this topic has some stuff I like and some stuff that makes me want to scream. In the article you linked: the blithe assumption that “most” childcare in the US is provided by undocumented immigrants making really crappy money and no benefits. My childcare is provided by US citizens and legal immigrants making an OK- not great, but OK- wage, with benefits for the full time employees. Is it perfect? No, but it is a lot better than what Stanton describes. Is it the norm? I have no idea. I suspect neither does Stanton. The trope that paid childcare is only possible because we take advantage of the people providing it is not helpful, and I want to see the evidence that it is true. I think we should pay more, but that doing so would price even more families out of the market for quality care. I think we should solve that problem by subsidizing more, but we’ll never manage to discuss that rationally if we set up a false starting point.
And in the article Ellen S. linked to, the line about Sheryl Sandberg, who is apparently now going to get vilified for giving advice not to lean back AHEAD OF TIME. I haven’t seen her say anything about what women do ONCE THEY HAVE KIDS. Maybe I have missed it elsewhere, but her famous line came from a commencement address in which she was advising young women to not downgrade their ambitions before they have a partner, let alone kids. We can argue about whether or not that is good advice (I personally think it is, because even if you end up deciding to take time out to stay home with the kids, it will be easier to get back in if you have a strong rep from before you went out)- but let’s do her the courtesy of arguing about what she actually said.
I guess I also feel like everyone is generalizing from their own experience and declaring that what was true for them must be true for all women, and then looking suspiciously at women whose experience is different. I don’t know what the solution to that is, since most of us only have our own experience to look at. My experience doesn’t look anything like that described in any of the recent Atlantic pieces. Maybe you’re right, and we’ll all talk honestly about our experiences and we’ll get to a place where they are all deemed equally valid. And maybe we’ll get to a place where people ask my husband about how HE has it all- because he’s in this juggle the same as me. But while we’re getting there, I sometimes just want to hide my head and write about anything BUT this. Although, coincidentally, last night I wrote a stream of consciousness-y thing about the good and the bad in my life, with this particular week as an example. I hope I don’t end up regretting that.
There’s another article on this topic that I thought was pretty good, here: http://www.alternet.org/reproductivejustice/156031/%26quot%3Bhaving_it_all%26quot%3B_the_wrong_question_for_most_women. It talks about what the lack of work/life balance is like for women who aren’t as well off as people who have careers that allow them to write for The Atlantic:
“These women are not thinking about “having it all,” they’re worried about losing it all—their jobs, their children’s health, their families’ financial stability—because of the regular conflicts that arise between being a good employee and a responsible parent.”
I like how it broadens the conversation to include more women’s lives. Unfortunately, some people don’t seem to care about discussing these issues, as there’s a pretty awful comment replying to this, calling women stupid for not being educated homeowners with careers before “handicapping” themselves by having children.
I really like that article, thank you for posting it.
I must say that I find it terribly sad that both of those articles propose, as solutions, that children’s schooling hours be extended. My daughter is only 2, but I notice a massive difference in her temperament when I am working and she is in long-day daycare, versus my “down times” when she only goes to sessional creche. Given that all the research shows how beneficial and necessary it is for growing minds to have plenty of “do nothing” time, longer school days and less holidays seems regressive. And just kind of mean! It isn’t kids’ fault!
You are assuming that a longer school day couldn’t be reconfigured to include more play time. Also, keep in mind that for the families where two parents work (for whatever reason- remember for a lot of families this isn’t a “choice”), the kids are still in some sort of care during working hours. We just have to arrange it- and pay for it- separately.
Going from my personal experience with my two children I have found that even with a good quality school and good quality after school care that they are still more tired and more run down if I work later. Their after school care is all play, pretty much the same stuff they would do at home but somehow it still makes them more tired than the days they go home on the bus to one of us. So I’m a little wary of the extending school hours thing too, based solely on my own experience.
Of course I say that from a position of being able to afford afterschool care and having a bit of flexibility in my hours as long as I maintain my core hours and work week hours. I appreciate that not everyone has this privilege.