Writing an article about you masturbating is probably the only way to get through an experience like this. Greg Pollock’s article in Salon on providing a sperm sample for fertility treatment is seriously charming. (All my love to couples going through infertility. Having seen it up close with people I love I understand that it’s an incredibly difficult road and my god, you deserve all the good things).
I had spoken to the receptionist a few times over the phone. She was really, really nice. I imagine you develop soothing phone mannerisms when your job is scheduling people to confront a bio-existential crisis. This made me feel bad, because she was a very sweet young woman whose first experience of the day was talking to a JO guy about the rules for jacking off in her JO room.
She asked if I’d read the instructions, which I had, and which had prevented a JO the day before (I needed to be two to five days abstinent). I also needed to have clean hands. I had showered right before the appointment; my hands felt clean. But they had also touched a bunch of crap in my crappy Saturn full of ancient coffee cups and they were about to get at my dick. I didn’t want to burden her with further information about how gross I am, so I said yes, I had followed the instructions.
This is a fantastic and hilarious article. May he and his partner end up with the “results” they want.
It’s just too bad that the comment section is toxic.
Blecch. I have no interest in men’s descriptions of how they masturbate, which types of porn they prefer, and how many hours they spend next to a computer screen, looking for porn (most of which involves humiliated, abused women) so they can get off.
Ugh. It’s my own damn fault for reading as much as I did. I was hoping for a humorous article about how hard it is to masturbate whn one isn’t a hard-core porn enjoyer to begin with. I’ll keep dreaming!
As someone going through infertility treatment so much of that rings true with my husband’s experience – it is as far away from happy, loving baby making sex as it is possible to be…
As he said, love is doing a sample in a cup in the world’s least sexy room…
Hey, I’m Greg, I was trying to find a link to the article and saw your repost. Glad you liked it! I originally wrote it for an audience of my two buddies at work and it only accidentally got picked up by Salon, so that’s why it’s a little coarse. Anyway, things have turned around and, knock on wood, are going very well for us. I know my wife has gone through 1,000,000x the discomfort I had to but at least she thought this was funny.
Thanks for your comment Greg. To be honest, I kinda love crude. Also love hearing that you and your wife might have turned a corner – fingers crossed hard for you.
I do love a happy ending
fingers and toes crossed here too. Hope it all goes well.