Wonderfully honest writing from Susan on How Motherhood Changes Us on experiencing ambivalance as a mother and parenting a child who is bipolar. The link is via Tedra and this site is a seriously remarkable project – really, check it out.
When you have a special needs child, the anti is really front and center all the time. How can we get to it all this week — the 50,000 therapy appointments and still get to our jobs, and that sort of thing.
How has this experience affected my relationship with my husband? It’s certainly taken away most of the whimsy, and not the romance. There’s a level of intimacy that comes with being in it together. Although I don’t want to romanticize it.
How do I cope? I smoke pot. [laughs] I tell the truth. The most liberating thing for me is that I have good friends and family that I can tell the truth to, and not feel judged.
I do a lot of things that other people do. I try to walk in the woods, and I meditate. I try, really, self-consciously to enjoy the things about my kids that are enjoyable. My husband and I are pretty good at reminding each other that this is nice, this is good. We have a good life. Look, how well he’s doing. She’s so pretty. Whatever it is. Look at her report card.
But for me the lifesaving thing is that I have friends and I can call them up and say my kid is motherfucking crazy. He’s crazy. My kid is acquainted with the police department, because at the height of his illness before he was properly medicated, he would have delusions and he would run away. He wasn’t being petulant or difficult. He thought he was being pursued. I mean, he really did!
I’ve also been questioned by the police because he was having a tantrum of such epic proportions physically, and I was trying to restrain him therapeutically and it was scary to people.
It’s very helpful to have friends who say to you, “Yeah, I know that’s some serious, serious shit.” I also swear. It’s my favorite vice. I swear in public which runs a little counter to my otherwise dignified position and sweet visage, and it feels great.
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Thank you so much for this.
Whoa. Whoa.
As a person with bipolar and a high likelihood of passing it to my now preschooler, this terrifies me. I mean, I really appreciate her honesty, because talking about all of it so frankly is incredibly brave–and few others are doing so. But, oh, I *know* how much of an (undiagnosed) shit I was to my mother, and I am not looking forward to managing that in my son while I also manage my own condition(s). She’s confirming my fears.
So this is terrifying. Refreshing, but terrifying.
Cassandra, this must be some tough reading for you. I hope you’re feeling ok with it. I think the important thing to note with Susan’s reflections is that she admits to strong feelings of ambivalence and that is not something all mothers experience, and it is certainly not something exclusively felt by mothers with children with disabilities.
bluemilk, thank you for your compassion. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been a fan of this blog for so long.
Susan’s article struck such a strong chord with me. “I found motherhood really traumatic,” is like the underscore of my life right now–I’ve mentioned my PTSD due to post-partum psychosis. That said, it’s an *amazing* piece about motherhood, and I’m grateful you posted it. Would that I were so eloquent.
I can relate to this so much.
I often wonder why people have a second child when they feel ambivalent about motherhood. I am not a particularly maternal person, but wanted a child when in a happy relationship in my mid 30s and had a daughter who I really enjoy being a mother to very much. I feel parenthood is one of the few things you can experience as an adult which is truly new and unique – something I really enjoyed because it was so overwhelming it made me live in the moment, and was one of the few times in my life when my mind and body felt united.
However, all the newness of experience would not be there with a second and I think I would find going through it all again mind blowingly boring, where I have really enjoyed the physicality of it and found the emotional intensity of it very satisfying first time around, I just think I would feel there was no space left for me if I had any more. I really am interested in why quite a few people who appear to find being a mother quite hard go on to have more children.
WRT to the second kid thing, I only have one, but I believe–as I’m sure you do!–that each kid is their own person. The drudgery may not be new (and is likely multiplied), but hanging out with a new kid, with a new personality and new challenges, probably changes the dynamic of your family quite a bit.
Your other question is a bit more difficult.
In the piece, Susan talked quite a bit about how her husband was, “absolutely sure.” While she may have been ambivalent about a second child, he was raring to go, and even said that there was a child-sized hole in their lives.
I’m not saying that this is all his fault; she chose to have a second child, for reasons that are her own. But I do think you may be discounting the pressure people have on them to bear children. Someone who doesn’t want to or feels ambivalent about parenting likely feels guilty as hell denying their partner/parents/in-laws children.
I know I do.