Below is the story behind this photo, the first perfect day we had and it took 5 months to get there! The myth of motherhood is filled with images like this photo – beaming, happy mothers with contented little babies. Its basically crap. I took this photo to remember our perfect day because even at the time I knew this perfect alignment of our moods and desires was fleeting. I wasn’t lost in the moment, I was incredulous. I knew I needed this photo to get me through other days; the days that were long, lonely, agonising, frustrating and, frightening. And there were many more of these days than there were perfect days (in the first year).
She sleeps reasonably well (1 feed before dawn, it doesn’t disturb me too much and she snuggles up afterwards to sleep). Miracle, miracle, miracle. She wakes up at dawn but tries hard to go back to sleep with me. He tells me he loves me before he sneaks out to get ready for work. She and I try to doze but she can’t sleep (5.30am). We get up and play games together. She gets sleepy, but not grumpy (miracle). She goes down for a nap and its 7.30am. She goes to sleep easily (big miracle). I shower uninterrupted and have breakfast. I phone my mother and she is here so I can afford to talk to her for an hour, sitting on the deck in the treetops (I don’t yet hate that house).
She wakes after two whole hours (120 minutes!!) and has a quick breakfast that she actually appears to enjoy. I change her into her swimming togs, without tears. We race to swimming class and see our friends. She is brave in the water. She accepts new challenges in the class and we cuddle and kiss (18mths from now she hates swimming class). I dry her off and dress her lying on the grass in the sunshine. I have a hot chocolate.
I drive us home while she contemplates things quietly and sleepily (she doesn’t cry in the car, such a miracle). She smiles when I lay her on the bed and she feeds to sleep. The CD I bought on eBay arrives and was incredibly cheap. I suddenly realise, this is my best day yet. Its perfect and I don’t want to upset its delicate equilibrium so I go all out to keep it.
She wakes and we play on the deck. I take a photo to record the perfect day. She’s animated in her jolly-jumper and I lay at her feet and we watch each other from our odd perspectives. Whenever the mood threatens to alter I change what we’re doing and find something she is happy with. For one day I don’t fight her, I don’t try and fit her in with housework or things for myself. I don’t try to do anything else but be happy with her.
A mother friend drops round while Lauca is having an afternoon nap. I get a whole uninterrupted conversation. Later I take Lauca for a pram walk and notice her craning her neck to see wind move through palm fronds. I read 6 story books to her and she lets me. She is in a baby bjorn carrier while I get dinner ready (this is probably the only dinner I cooked that whole first year, M.I.R.A.C.L.E). She kicks her legs when she is sick of this instead of roaring in protest.
She smiles in the bath, especially when I sign “Daddy”. She goes to sleep without fuss, holding on to my finger (…and feeding the life out of me, it was a long time before we ended the feeding to sleep ritual).
blue milk 
[…] August 18, 2009 by blue milk Two aspects of this post over at Bitch PhD really appeal to me. First, I like to know that other parents can also feel that deep, pit of the stomach dread at the thought of uninterrupted days alone with their children. And I mean alone, not those days when you have kindergarten or mother dates, because even with exhaustion, parenting in parallel with another mother and her good company is easy peasy. Relatively speaking. It cannot be articulated in enough ways, motherhood is hard. I’m not even talking about those melt down moments, I’m just talking about the grinding tedium, the monotony, the isolation. […]
If you’ve got a post where you talk about ending that feeding to sleep ritual and how it went I could really use it.
xo
SV – you can try Elizabeth Pantley’s No Cry Sleep Solution for ideas. Otherwise, I gotta say now with two children that different babies grow out of this differently, but that they all grow out of it eventually. Also, having someone else put the baby to sleep sometimes can help with that – if nothing else it will be proof that it is possible. Being patient helps too (that bit isn’t easy though is it?). Waiting until they are full before trying is also a good tip with a baby.
I find the easiest time to try all this is when they’re having trouble getting to sleep and you have already fed them both sides – twice – and back again – and you basically give up feeding them to sleep and just sigh a lot and say “well, go to sleep already then” while you cuddle them a little and lie there exhausted and exasperated until they fall asleep next to you.
Finally, hang in there, this too shall pass.
[…] I was on maternity leave with the little dude, the first few months, I kept thinking when will my good day come? It felt like a long time before I reached the end of the day and felt like it had been […]