If there is one observation I cannot make about parenthood enough, it is this – as a parent you can totally lose perspective.
Sometimes you are forced to live so much in the moment that you forget about the past and the future, which is why when you’re having a shit time as a mother you think it will last forever. You can’t remember a time when it was easier and you certainly can’t see a time ahead when it will be. The moment you’re living in starts to taint your whole motherhood experience until even the nice memories seem a mirage. (I wrote this particular post to cheer myself up and though I sourced it from my old diaries I thought I was making it up). When motherhood is at its most taxing, most demanding, it is all-consuming. There is no time to complete a thought, let alone take stock of your situation. In these times your head is down, ploughing onwards, carrying everyone with you as best you can, trying to weather the storm. But while your head is down your vision is also limited.
Now that we’ve re-emerged from one of the most stressful months ever in our lives and my toddler has recovered from the cold that ran into the flu that turned her into one of the most objectionable human beings I’ve ever shared my time with, well I’m overwhelmed by the potential of motherhood. My daughter has successfully carried out two delightful play dates in a row, my daughter was sweet and sociable with their children, mothers are still speaking to me at the end of these playdates, I have had actual conversations with mothers while on these play dates and these conversations didn’t involve apologies. I. Have. Had. Time. To. Myself even while being with her. She has been fun to hang with, we have enjoyed one another’s company. I don’t know myself and I certainly don’t know her, and I promise not to describe her as a sociopath again for quite some time. Because she can actually be quite adorable.
Note to self: come back and read this post next time you’re dying of motherhood.
Parenting is fun? My kid is screaming in a time out. He’s been hitting me all day long. I wish it was just because he had the flu!
Ugh, 2. My 4 year old is ever-approaching something akin to a reasonable human being, while my 21 month old, who last month was the sweetest baby on earth is rapidly accelerating towards sociopath status (the kind that robs banks by emitting a loud ear piercing glass shattering scream, rendering all near her helplessly cowering in broken glass, trying to perforate their own eardrums in self defense).
But anyway.
I remember when my oldest daughter threw her first real, whole body tantrum, the first time mere distraction, or just simply loving her, didn’t defuse her. Not just back arching or crying over a toy but bucking and kicking, hell bent on physical resistance akin to violence. It was a shocking experience and it took me months to recover (during which time we had many more, so just as I began to get over the First Time the wound would rupture open again). In fact I don’t know if I am completely over it, it’s like post traumatic stress disorder, there’s a trace of this experience in our relationship. At the time I just didn’t know what to do and my helplessness haunted me as much as her behaviour. For the first time my baby who loved me and I loved her seemed full of hate and rage and anger, all directed at me, and I felt similar feelings back towards her. Where did it come from? Was it my fault? I think I felt a bit like a ‘battered wife’ – of course it was my fault.
We use the same parenting book. We’ve also found NZ author Diane Levy’s ‘Of Course I Love You Now Go To Your Room’ to be extremely useful for many reasons.
Note to self: motherhood can suck. Yes, you’re both right. It can and when it does I’m usually a lot more in the mood for writing so my blog becomes a bit lop-sided.
Penni – thanks for the book recommendation. Also, I really enjoyed your thought-provoking comments on the after-effects of a particularly traumatic tantrum. That was a fascinating description of being the recipient of your daughter’s first hatred and how you felt about it.
Thanks both of you for your comments.