And softer than shadow and quicker than flies

A reader (thanks Rose) sent me this interesting article from The Age and its been kicking around in my head for a week. The writer, Simon Castles makes three salient points that I agree with and a couple of points that I don’t. First, points that I agree with.

1. The fear of paedophilia has come to resemble hysteria; 2. as part of that hysteria, the default position has been to some degree to suspect all men of being paedophiles until proven otherwise; and 3. being suspected of being a paedophile has intruded upon men’s normal enjoyment of children (see this nicely written post from Matt of Bogosity for example). I also wrote about these points from a slightly different angle here.

My own partner says he feels extremely ill at ease if an unknown child approaches him when he is somewhere without me or our daughter. Is he upset by it? Yes, but not half as upset as he is by the sheer frequency of sexual abuse. I also feel a little uncomfortable when approached by a stranger’s child. I don’t think any adult, male or female is beyond suspicion. When I am assisting a child who has fallen over I look around hopefully for the parent. I don’t want to be interacting with their child in private, particularly their crying child, I want the parents to be able to see me, to be able to reassure themselves that their child is safe. I understand that the discomfort I am feeling is less than the discomfort experienced by men in the same position, but I think everyone’s actions in a position of power are expected to be more accountable and transparent these days. Try disciplining someone in a workplace now, you’re expected to have an advocate for that employee in the room with you. A caution is there, not because of your gender but because of your position of relative power.

And here’s what I don’t agree with in that article, the idea that the suspicion on men is an extreme reaction that hurts all men and unnecessarily coddles children to the degree that we are at risk of no longer being able to distinguish between a good interaction with a man and a child and a bad interaction. I’m not that bothered either about that new airline policy that prevents men from being able to sit with unattended children flying.

Because here are the facts: 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they reach adulthood. Horrific! An average serial child molester may have as many as 400 victims in his (or her) lifetime but even those with only 5 victims probably unsuccessfully approached double that number of children and probably thought about the possibility with triple that number. Here’s a-not-so-much fact, but one which I am none the less fairly comfortable asserting: of those children who reach adulthood without being sexually abused, I would estimate that not a single one hadn’t had at least one brush with a paedophile while growing up: a flasher in the park? a teacher at their school who was later removed for inappropriate behaviour? a tennis coach who hugged them and held their hand and made them feel uncomfortable? a childhood girlfriend who let out hints that her step-father fondled her? a young sister who was heavily flirted with by a guy in his twenties? a car that slowed down and followed them on a walk home from the shops? a music teacher who talked about her underwear too often? an uncle who got drunk and slurred strange things to the child’s brother? The rate of sexual abuse of children is frighteningly high.

This point we have reached where we are jumping at shadows, suspicious of every interaction a man has with a child… well, we have been a long time coming to this point. Because as unpleasant as this point is – it is a point where people at last understand that child sexual abuse is abuse, that it is occurring in numbers akin to an epidemic, that when a person sexually abuses children it is habitual behaviour (not something that happens because they are feeling low or were drunk or confused by the child’s behaviour or clothing) and, that the unadulterated trust of the past has been one of the key elements which allowed this abuse to flourish.

The vast majority of child sexual abusers are men. Our blanket suspicion of men is an awful problem but surely even more so is the sheer prevalence of abuse by men. I know it’s far from being a majority of men, but we’re still talking too many men. The problem with hysteria is that it immobilises us, it distracts us from constructing solutions that will prevent the abuse of children. As Castles says in his article, while we’re all worrying about the stranger lurking in the park the real threat is more likely to be someone in our inner circle. I worry more about what this climate of fear creates for us as a community and for children needing to feel safe, than I worry about what it does to us as individual adults in relative positions of power. I know there are victims in this – but let’s not forget that whatever insult men (or women ) are sustaining, children, as victims of abuse are sustaining far worse injury. The concern held by adults feeling under suspicion is a concern of privilege. We, as adults in positions of power, get to feel the hurt of suspicion but children get to feel the hurt of sexual abuse or its threat.

It reminds me of the nice, white, leftie people where I work who occasionally complain about the misplaced hostility they experience from Aboriginal kids glaring at them when they’re walking into work. Yes, you’re the nice white people who haven’t been treating those Aboriginal kids like shit since they were born and that’s sad that you’re copping the dirty looks and swearing but you know, the up-side is that we weren’t treated like shit for being black since we were born. The Aboriginal kids got to be treated like shit and now they think every white person they see hates them, well they got the rougher end of the deal as far as I am concerned. I’m not doing a hell of a lot to make the lives of Aboriginal people better so if I have to take the pain of being misunderstood and white, well I better suck it up.

I like to think that our response to child sexual abuse is an evolution, that we’ve only just reached the dawn of enlightenment where we understand that there is a big problem and that as we explore this problem we will start to evolve more towards solutions. I think those solutions will include men being more and not less involved with children. The more men have to do with children the more they will be bonded with children, and the more they will understand children and be less likely to sexually objectify them, and the more men taking care of children, the more of them to protect children. But children should not bear the risk of this transition to a better new world, we as adults should bear the discomfort of transparency and accountability. We don’t have the luxury of being innocent until proven guilty in the eyes of suspicious parents but this is not a court of law with a defence counsel for each party, without us all looking out for children they’re on their own. I’m confident that men will become more involved with children over time because.. children are adorable (even when they’re bloody hard work) and when gender roles are loosened to allow men more freedom to explore primary care roles with children they will eventually do so, for the sheer love of it. It will be this and not the freedom to interact with a stranger’s child in the park that will allow this monumental shift. But don’t be surprised if we don’t get more male pre-school teachers until they’re paid more.

And that policy about men not being permitted to sit next to unattended children on flights? I don’t want to trivialise the hurt men feel but really, are you all that unhappy about not sitting next to the little person who spills their drinks, kicks the seat, and wipes their nose on your armrest?

P.S In case you don’t recognise but are wondering about the title of the post, it’s here.