Remember when I wrote this question in my 10 questions about your feminist motherhood?
7. Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?
And some of you wondered what the hell I was on about. What, you asked, has sacrifice got to do with feminism and why on earth are they potentially incompatible? A question I left deliberately broad was maybe too broad. It has come up several times and I’ve been thinking for some time that I should respond. So here, not altogether coherently are my thoughts…
Being a feminist can involve a bunch of this thinking –
I am a woman.. I am my own person.. I have rights… my rights are important.. there is a lot of pressure on me to be defined by my traditional roles in life… I am more than that.. I have the right to expect equality from my partner.. I deserve the same opportunities for a full life as anyone else does… I am not a servant or a mother for the men in my life… just because I am a woman doesn’t mean I should be viewed only for my reproductive capacity.. if I don’t vigilantly defend my autonomy the patriarchal system will exploit me.. I want more than my mother had… my career is just as important as his… the patriarchy relies on me giving and giving… my time and energy is just as important as a man’s time and energy… I have to hold my ground… motherhood is important… not being a mother is just as important… I’m thankful to the women who’ve fought so hard in the past for me to have the opportunities I have today.. our generation is going to do things differently, more fairly… being a whole person means having choices and taking responsibility for them…
And being a mother can involve a bunch of this thinking –
This child depends on me for survival… its rights are (often) more important than mine… I don’t know where I begin and end and where this baby begins and ends.. I need a break… no-one else who can give this baby what it needs.. I’ve lost my train of thought.. I don’t know how to go on.. I have no choice… this baby makes me feel complete… I don’t care about my career anymore.. I don’t have the time to look after myself.. this family would fall apart without me… I can argue with my partner about my rights but I can’t argue with a toddler… I would die if anything happened to my children… my children are the best thing about me… sometimes I just really need some sleep, but I know I won’t get it… good mothers are not selfish… I feel like I’m failing if I can’t give my children everything they want from me… I love this child more than anything.. other mothers have more patience than me… one day I’ll be myself again.. I don’t recognise myself.. breastfeeding is painful but I’m not going to give up… somehow everything to do with the children has become my responsibility and not his..
Motherhood, when really overwhelmed by sacrifice can end up with a bunch of this thinking –
I gave up everything for you children… I want only the best for you… I have to be perfect… I want my children to be perfect… my sacrifices aren’t appreciated by you.. I want my children to have more than I had… I wanted to be more than a mother, but my children needed me… if I don’t do it, no-one else will… some people call it being a martyr but I call it being a good mother… without you I’m nothing… I need my children… if children turn out badly you have to wonder what their mothers did wrong… my children turned out to be selfish… being a mother is the only thing that makes me feel important.. I need to be needed… I’m suffering, but it’s ok, I do it for the children.. the children would be lost without me… I don’t know what I would have done in my life if I hadn’t been a mother, I never knew what I wanted… my family treat me like a doormat…
Can you see how I began to wonder if motherhood sacrifice challenged our feminism? It isn’t this way for all mothers but it is this way for a lot of us. I heard these sentiments from mothers and I wondered how they were reconciling them with their feminism, how they’re finding their way out of this intensely absorbing role without becoming lost, how they’re carving out an identity as a mother without becoming trapped by sacrifice. I wondered how feminists were doing this differently, or if they even were.
And I’m not suggesting motherhood can or should be done without the sacrifice, the reality is clear to any mother that sacrifice is absolutely necessary, as many respondents noted. Nor am I wishing to denegrate the sacrifice mothers make, it is heroic, but it is also dangerous ground for women.
I don’t see much in the way of conflict between the first two sets of thinking. I expect equal participation from my partner, but common sense requires that be instructed by our respective strengths. Those differences are intense when babies are little, but they become more simple as the kids get older. We both make sacrifices for the kids, but they can be different ones.
The real conflict comes in when you get to that third set of thinking. I would suggest that completely independent of feminism, that is very dangerous thinking and is no good for the kids, never mind the woman. In order to raise independent, caring, considerate kids who are eventually capable of recognising they are not the centre of the universe, I need to show my kids that I have needs and an existence outside them. I am not saying I have managed to banish all those thought patterns, but I recognise them as counterproductive (generally after the fact).
In short, the danger of losing what our predecessors fought for is completely congruous with the danger of producing co-dependent children. The demands of motherhood seem completely in agreement with those of feminism. That is, if I have understood your argument, which I may not have since I “really need some sleep”, and I would be getting it if I would just go to bed! 🙂
Before I went back to work, when the days seem to blend into each other, when felt like I spent every waking moment (and every sleeping moment) covered in vomit and thinking of the baby first (and second, and third etc) we put Kate Time on the calendar. My partner got home from work early one evening a week, I got properly dressed, and I went out. Sometimes I met up with friends, sometimes I went for a walk by myself, sometimes I read a book at the pub, or in inclement weather, sat in the other room and did my knitting.
For that hour, the Bloke was on his own with the baby. And the baby just had to deal. And it was wonderful for me and the Bloke (because so many blokes never get time with their baby without supervision) and the baby learned that his Dad can feed him, and cuddle him, bathe him and put him to sleep. It was hard sometimes to leave without preparing everything in advance (because the idea that blokes can’t do everything mothers do is ingrained) or to overcompensate the bloke for this great sacrifice of his. But I got the hang of it.
Sacrifice is inevitable for good parents, but you don’t have to sacrifice everything. There is ‘sacrifice’ in a good adult relationship too (I can’t hit the town and sleep with anyone I please for example) but it should never be one person sacrificing everything for the other (he can’t ride his motorbike around Mongolia on a whim).
It is all absolutely true. Never before have I been taken so far away from myself, my selfish wants, my own needs even. But then again I never quite knew what I was made of, my strengths, my compassion and patience. I feel like my life is entirely derailed and that I have no time to pursue my interests and personal growth, but then again I’ve grown more in these last 2 (toddler-ific) years than I have in my 29 full. I’ve matured in leaps and bounds and still put my own life on hold. It’s quite an evil little humorous paradox, motherhood. I love it.
My response got so long I posted it on my own blog:
http://twowomenblogging.blogspot.com/2008/02/sacrificial-mother-by-jay.html
I was happy to lose myself in my kids – to make those sacrifices. It was what I chose to do, and I think if i’m honest, it was a way of hiding out from the world. box number two could have been my very own list of justifications for my choices.
My kids’ adolescence and my own sole parenthood taught me that it isnt possible to hide out in a bubble of motherdevotion forever. That part of being adult is being able to protect and nurture yourself. Children grow up and leave home. sometimes relationships break down. It’s then I discovered box number three. the omg moment when i looked a my big children who were finding and defining themselves and thought, now what? I gave up everything and it was a really stupid thing to do. Because how the hell am I going to support myself? (and them) what resources do I have to draw on now I need to meet them as an adult and not just as loving mummy?
ideally i think feminism keeps offering us those connections. so you don’t sacrifice yourself right into a dead end. Jobs, study,other women in our workplaces and in our networks. (still can be difficult though.)
This really made me think. I have no kids myself, and I sometimes wonder if my friends who have become mothers have lost their minds. I see their children sort of take over their identity, and it freaks me out (although they seem to be enjoying it.)
It must be really hard to balance your needs with a child’s. I just hope my friends don’t forget themselves in the midst of being “good” mothers.
I have known a few women who end up saying things from the third category. You really muddied the waters of the message “motherhood challenges feminism.” Because the very first sentence “I gave up everything for you children” smacks of playing the victim. So- my response to it is a bit- (she needs to fuck off, ESPECIALLY as a feminist because a feminist goes into motherhood understanding the historical risks.) Uhhmmm… I’d tell that to a sixty year old woman friend too, if she were claiming she gave her life for her children- I would challenge her- to go get a life of her own!!! I mean beyond- that victim position does not serve the woman- thus my very strong admonition to get off it- a woman who really feels that may need to grieve it before she can move forward. Her grief is valid. It just isn’t a final resting place.
I think the line “I don’t know what I would have done in my life if I hadn’t been a mother, I never knew what I wanted” is really tender because it is so self-reflective and honest at the same time it is so un-self-aware. Of course, everyone knows what they want if they will admit it. And, wanting to be a full-time mom is a perfectly great thing to do. No apologies needed. The feminist perspective on this being- often a woman will sacrafice hugely to help a man achieve his goals. She often winds up without the same support- and although there are many things she might have done in addition to motherhood- she is too emotionally heavy to achieve lift-off. (by that I mean- carrying doubt, resentment, loneliness, fear, anxiety, heavy emotions.)
A person can either be an emotional leach living off the emotional energy of others (a man off a woman, a woman off a child, and many other noxious combos), or another choice is to make a colassal effort to be responsible for clearing one’s own emotional space, or the third option, is to participate in a relationship that feels mutual and balanced. (Which takes two.)
I love being a mother and taking care of my kids, I even like to take care of my home. I also really value being appreciated for it. Unfortunately, the value system of our country is based on making money. Being able to make money feels like freedom/power. So- to whatever extent we give that up to spend more time nurturing instead of pursuing a career- it does need to be highly conscious.
Also, I would add this- as a woman shifts her personal value system away from making money (OK- she is really good at her job and the job affects many people) but- as a woman shifts what she values- she will feel a lot less worried about what other people think. She will get freedom and personal power.