This book review by Jeremy Adam Smith of Daddy Dialectic is just so perfectly written. The review has me fascinated, and quite convinced to read the book. The book is Men Speak Out: Views on Gender, Sex and Power and Smith is one of the contributing writers. In his review Smith ponders how men combine their masculinity with their feminism.
I felt a little flutter of anxiety as I opened the covers. You see, I have a special angst about antisexist, pro-feminist writing by guys. I worry about the possibility it could be deemed “harmless”—that is to say, bland, pious, wimpy. I want male pro-feminist writing to be muscular, confrontational, and courageous—not in a flashy superficial sense, but in a way that shows the writer has really dived into the heart of his own experience.
I can’t stand antisexist writing in which the writer portrays himself as a hero in the struggle against a sexist world—I want to see the writer lose as well as win, because that’s what’s going to happen when you pit yourself against centuries of traditions that live on inside of you as well as outside. I don’t want to see the antisexist guy frame it as someone else’s struggle—I want to hear about his struggle, with himself as well as both men and women.
I think a lot about feminism and where it’s going and what it needs to do, and I think quite a lot about men and where they’re going, but I rarely combine the two. Feminist-leaning men, I’ve even got one for my very own and still I’ve not given them as a group much dedicated thought. Yes, what about you guys?
blue milk 
I want to read it too. I would really like to hear about men’s struggles to be antisexist.
I’m keen, I’ll try to get my hands on it. I’ve always worked in male dominated environments and my first two kids are boys. I generally find myself more interested in the combination.
I am interested in what men see as their struggles, because I know what I see. One of the remarks I see often in feminist writing is that men all benefit from the patriarchy, and in one fell swoop they dismiss their problems. I very strongly dispute that all men benefit from the patriarchy, but I would love to see what at least these guys think.
I agree with your strongly disputing. I think the reverse of “all men benefit from the patriarchy” is true. Everyone suffers under a patriarchy, it’s just a question of scale. And it’s not really productive to spend a lot of time on ‘whose pain is bigger’.
It’s not right to judge women who wear makeup and heels or t-shirts inviting you to judge their breasts. There is a payoff for feminine behaviour and there is a tremendous potential for punishment if you flout it — active feminists are dissecting instances of these punishments (rapes, honour killings, reprimands from bosses, gay-bashing, and on and on), and the natural extension of the dissection should be that even if we have the courage to do more flouting than average, we should use these occurrences not just to generate antipathy for the patriarchy but to extend sympathy to those who take the occurrences as the warning that the patriarchy means them to be. We all do what we have to in order to survive — some of us have better circumstances, more support or less to fear. So anyhow, from that point of view, I would say that men, too, have a price to pay in strictures and demanded behaviour — there is a payoff in patriarchal privilege, but there is also a very real fear of the consequences of failure.
That being said, I’m pretty terrible for hammering home the privilege that men enjoy when debating with guys. It’s generally because I find that they don’t want to acknowledge that their privilege comes from their compliance with the patriarchy. We all want to believe that we are worthy of our privileges and that if our privilege is founded on assumptions, those assumptions are clearly true (men really are stronger. women really don’t need to eat as much. women have a biological drive to start families…)
Wow. I am reading this book.
I have a man who offers every feminist-leaning support he can, but still I find myself feeling trapped. In motherhood. In our marriage. Sometimes. I’m working on understanding that this life is my wilderness journey, not a four-lane highway that paves paradise. And I’ll take all the inspiration I can get.
I was thinking I’d have something intelligent to say by the time I got through all the comments, but I’m tossing up whether to interrupt my son as he very carefully and gently pulls the flaps off his Spot book…