Shelley is about to admit to one of the great taboos of motherhood. No matter how hard she has tried, she says she can’t bring herself to love her elder daughter, Catherine. ‘I know what people will think. Everyone will hate me. I’m the woman who doesn’t like her own child. But I’m speaking out because I’m convinced I’m not alone,’ says the 33-year-old.
This experience of Shelley’s (or try here or here if the article is down) is worthy of discussion and I’m sure she’s right and other mothers feel this way too, and I could say a lot about fathers who don’t seem to have any particular attachment to their children (ie. the whole ‘deadbeat dad’ phenomenon) but who don’t seem to trigger nearly the outrage.. but instead what I will say is fu-uck, how masochistic do you have to be to tell a story like this to a conservative sensationalist newspaper like the UK’s Daily Mail? That act alone tells me that you are in desperate need of counselling.
And, reading this article reminded me just how cathartic confessing something terrible can be for you, but not necessarily for the recipient of your burdensome secret – not sure how this whole newspaper article bizzo will help the daughter, Catherine any.
Post Script: This piece remains in my blog statistics as one of the most searched for topics bringing people to my blog, a fact that has surprised me greatly. At least according to the comments, it seems the bulk of people searching the Internet for this topic are adult children of mothers who didn’t love them. There is consequently a world of sadness in the comments below and I want to express my deepest sympathy to those of you who find yourself here because you are coping with the experience of not being loved by your parent. This is not a topic I have particularly explored on my blog and I have little to offer you here, except for the growing number of comments below indicating that you are not alone.
Goodness.
Just as well 11 year olds aren’t sensitive to every single little thing their mothers do. The poor kid must be mortified.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with how she feels. She just shouldn’t have had kids or gave them up for adoption. Not everyone likes children or wants to have them and I think people just can’t see that side of the story. I do not like children and never have. I gave birth to one and gave him up for adoption. There was no emotional attachment whatsoever. I will never have children and if I get pregnant I will have abortion or opt for adoption, and wouldn’t want a child to live with me because they would be miserable, because that is how I would feel. People need to realize that not all women like or can bond with children, but they shouldn’t have any or keep them. Society has so much taboo about adoptiona and abortion, that someone might feel pressure from society to raise the child, and this is the result of that.
Chris, you are to be commended for realizing that children are not something you want in you life. Many cannot bring themselves to admit that, then have children they cannot bond with or love.
I would much rather see a child adopted, despite the issues that raises for the child, than live in an unloving, cold household.
And it does raise issues for the child often. There is the core sensitivity of why was I given up for adoption in the first place and then the sort of emotional void that comes with that. Still, I think it is far less damaging than living where you are not wanted.
Nancy
WOW thats sad…I think that it is weird that u don’t like children considering u were once one and someone had to deal with u and love u so that u can become a decent adult…
I give u credit for admitting u don’t “like” children but you should TOTALLY AVOID pregnancy altogether and it is TOTALLY possible…Adoption dosen’t always leave children in happy unmiserable situations…Just the rejection alone can be damaging 1st of all…2nd of all some end up being abused and I know ppl who have been in this situation..3rdly, if u know u don’t want kids y get pregnant only to have an abortion which is cruel and unusual punishment bc if the baby’s heart is beating at only 3 weeks who’s to say they don’t suffer the pain of being vacumed and scrapped out the wound?
I would have looooooved to abort my mother while in her wound! She let her boyfriend abuse me over and over again…He even gave me a black eye. Some adults think they deserve to live on this earth more than their aborted babies!? I think not.
A lot of people do not like children. My mother likes children so it wasn’t a big deal to raise me. We are just going to have to disagree about the abortion issue because I’m not going to start on that. Adoption might have some drawbacks but it is far better than keeping something you can’t take care of. For one I can’t afford a child and I do not believe in welfare or other assistance, so their are other reasons for adoption. I would have a tubal ligation but it is well over $4000 and there are many side effects and risks to having one especially in your 20’s. The only cure to that is to have a reversal which is even more costly and I do not think it is worth the risk, but I plan on not ever having kids so I do use birth control, but it is not 100%. People are just going to disagree on these kind of topics. Some people are against abortion and adoption at all costs, while others are pro adoption or pro abortion. A lot of adoptees are more for abortion because of experience with adoption, so there is nothing anyone is going to agree on. I do not believe under any circumstances you should keep a child and neglect it, to me that is the worst option. Children annoy me and I can’t stand being around them because they are loud, sometimes rude, spread a lot of germs, and to me gross. I am smart enough not to have any as with other people I know. I know I was a child once, but some people aren’t bothered by those kind of things that children do.
I am a product of parents who did not love me and abused and neglected me. My younger brother was abused as well, but I bore the brunt of it. My sister, the baby was and is worshipped by both of my parents to this day.
I can tell you that it has screwed both myself and my siblings up mentally. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I take everything to be my fault. I am so self-depricating at times that my poor husband gets frustrated.
My brother is sort of anti-social and massogianistic. He is way out there and elitist. He also has substance abuse problems. He has very little to do with the family.
My sister is narcisystic and controlling. She is on her fourth failing marriage at the tender age of 35.
I love children and can’t stand to see anyone mistreated. Emotionally I am a basket case. When you aren’t loved and accepted by the people who are supposed to be genetically predisposed to love you, even as an infant you can sense it and it will shape the rest of your life.
My mother put me in a trash can when I was four months old during a blizzard. When her mother called her to check on me she told her mother what she had done and refused to undo it. My grandmother drove over and rescued me kept me for a little while until she convinced my mom to take me back. My mother has resented my existence for my whole life. I thought I was over it. Boy was I wrong.
Earlier today my husband (the best husband ever) and I went to the Hallmark Store to purchase mother’s day cards. I found a funny light-hearted one for my mom and a beautiful sentimental tear-jerker for his mom. I have been married for 13 years. I am 39 years old. so for 1/3 of my life my mother-in-law has been more of my mom than my birth-mother was for the first 2/3. All of the sweet and sentimental emotional cards about thanking her for love, support and guidance were bullshit. I am not going to lie to her anymore or to myself. She hates me and that is that. I will show up for functions because she always wanted the facade of perfection, but when I need to stay away I will because even though my mommy never loved me a part of me will always love her. But I also love me.
Chris – you’re assuming that just because a mother doesn’t love one of her children, she dislikes all children or incapable of loving them. This is far from the truth – my mother never loved me and never showed me any warmth or closeness, but she adored, petted and worshipped my younger brother (born two years later). Before having me, she had helped to bring up younger siblings in her family of 12 and had then worked as a nanny in a private home. She loved kids and, after having my brother, went on to work shifts in a residential children’s home, also fostering several children which lived with us. They all loved her and thought she was wonderful. She just couldn’t love me. I have a friend who has a similar experience – she has two daughters and has bonded with and loves one of them but cannot love the other and she has never understood why.
Chris0509,
I’m glad that some mom’s are coming out in the open and admitting that they don’t like their children. I would like to understand why.
Just because a woman doesn’t like her child doesn’t mean she didn’t want children in the first place. My mom adores children, she had my brother and I. My mom loves my brother but she does not like me from day 1. My mom detests everything about me, even as a child she hated that I was a difficult baby, I would cry almost non-stop. On the other hand my brother was the easy baby. My mom and I are polar opposites. She is strong and domineering. I am sensitive, creative, yet at te same time I am an eccentric and outspoken. So I don’t think that the issue of not liking one’s own child is directly related not having the desire to have children in the first place. My mom wanted kids,…just not me.
I wish that my mom would have put me up for adoption. She doesn’t like me and she used me as her scapegoat on why she hates her life. I “ruined her life”. Really hard growing up hearing stuff like that, and I heard it daily. I was called a “stupid Bitch” daily. When I tell people about my upbringing they find it hard to believe. But I know that I am not alone. What’s really hard is that no one spoke up for me, not my dad nor my brother. The abuse (physical, emotional, mental) would go on and everyone just ignored it as if it were normal.
I am sooooo happy to live my adult life, out of the house. I love my mom and have this desire to have a relationship with her, and I keep on trying but she is set in her ways. She doesn’t know how to be nice. When I call her she cusses me out, and now I refuse to listen to it so I always tell her I will hang up if she keeps on talking to me like this. She actually tells me to hang up the phone. she then leaves me a nasty voicemail message, so that she can be sure I listen to every mean word she says.
this topic always drains me. I don’t even know why I bother trying. I’m just hopeful that someday she will change and be nice.
We are supposed to love each other period. If we cannot find it within ourselves to even love our own offspring -you know flesh of our own flesh then; the deficit lies within us. We owe it to ourself to find out what is making us feel this way. Often will find the reason deep in our psyche. I kno not everyone is a supermom & each child is different. But to say I don’t or can’t love my child just because that’s how I am is not the final page. There is more to it then that. Some counseling is not maybe a bad thing for self. I know it is not usually free but, many pastors are trained & do free. I don’t like you cause your messy & noisey. Wow gotta think about that one
but always remember you were a child one too,how did you like it when people didn’t like you when you were a child, just for being a child and you say there’s nothing wrong with how she feel, when there is everything wrong with the way she feel, when God gives you a gift as a child you charish it not neglect it, for exsample if i gave you a gift you wouldn’t just throw it away would you!!!!! I would have to say if she would give her life to Jesus she could love her kid!!!!
i understand that some people don’t like children, and that okay. but it is not this woman’s case. She does not love only her first child, but the second child is literally “the love of her life” so your comment does not apply to her. what she is doing is discriminatory love among her children, and i think it because of the circumstances surrounding their birth birth.
What about the women who are married when they become pregnant and the husband has always wanted a family? I became pregnant, accidental, but he was so excited we kept it. I expected to be like all the other women who loved their babies, but unfortunately I wasn’t. My daughter is almost 4 now and I just don’t like her, I’m pretty sure I’ve never even loved her. Sure I protect her nurture her and do everything a mother is supposed to do, but I hate it. My husband loves her though. I feel like she’s getting between him and myself. I couldn’t rightly give her up for adoption at this point and I don’t want to leave my husband bc I love him. There are just too many circumstances for anyone to assume what a mother should or should’ve done.
have you considered counseling? this child will carry this lovelessness, regardless of your attempts to conceal it. It would be better to ease your feelings to a more neutral state if you cannot acheive true love. It is worth a try, not only for the child, but for your marriage
I think your an asshole for giving away your kid, how to give away someone part of you and from your blood.. -_-
It is inappropriate to call people names, regardless of the course they take. For some, safety of the children may require finding new homes and parents who can and will love the child. The child will suffer core wounds either way, but in the arms of a loving family these wounds can be offset. Those of us who lived 18 or 20 years of raging abuse from unloving parents would have been better off, and for me personally, if I had been more informed, I would have asked to be returned to foster care. So please, do not call people names when trying to find safety or love for their kids when they know they cannot do it themselves
I dis agree Adoption is not a way to go because they will come looking n getting crushed at birth it hurts worse when grown … She has no right to feel that way Elder Daughter saying she has more n does not deserve the love of any of them love all your children the same nasty Bitch
I am the eldest daughter of 4 children. My mother has hated me since I was a child. The 11 year old knows her mom can’t stand her, no matter how hard “Mommy” trys to hide it. I’ve known since I was 3.
I am in my early 40’s now. I am not going to go into what was done to me or what I did to cope.
I am a mother of 3, my daughter is the oldest and almost 25. I had my daughter in high school-and yes, I finished HS, graduated and I do have a college degree (the same as my mother but she was older when she had me) without her help, I can’t imagine how a mother can feel that way. Sure, my daughter gets on my nerves. She does alot of things I wish she wouldn’t. It is HER LIFE, though! If it makes her happy I will love and support her NO MATTER WHAT.
As for me, it hurts alot to watch my mother adore her 3 other children, steal about $100K from me (I have no recourse) without guilt, and go on and on how great my siblings are.
It has taken forever to realize-she sucks, not me! She is the one who is losing out by not knowing me.
Paulina,
I feel the exact same way that you do, but I am 28, unmarried, and am too afraid to have children because I don’t want my kids to go through what I went through. My 3 younger siblings can do no wrong in my mother’s eyes, even though one is in jail, one almost flunked out of college, and one is a complete drug addict. I am a teacher who is in graduate school with a 4.0 and I could not feel any less loved by both of my parents. They critisize me and basically make me feel like nothing on a constant basis. I don’t know how to cope with it and it’s getting worse as I get older. After reading this article, I realized I am not the only person out there who has gone through this! It is impossible to talk to my parents about anything, so my hope is that through counseling, I will eventually come to terms with the fact that my parents just don’t love me. They tolerate me.
Hey Paulina, I realize that you left this comment a while ago, but just in case you’re still getting notifications, I was wondering if you could maybe tell me a little bit about how you coped. I’m 21, and my mother (and father) have never loved me. My father uses me. My mom had four kids, and she didn’t ever love me (the eldest) or my next little sister (just one year younger than me), but I think she genuinely loves my two youngest siblings. She won’t admit that she doesn’t like me, and it kind of kills me. I’ve been in college the last four years, and since then, I haven’t been home for more than two weeks at a time. Now, I’m supposed to go home for two months, and it’s terrifying me. It’s easier to fake that she likes me when I’m not around. If I even try to talk to her about it she goes absolutely crazy and screams and gets incredibly defensive. I think one of the ways I could heal is if she would just admit it but… I don’t know. I just. I hate the idea of going back there. The last time I was supposed to go back, I actually had a panic attack on the plane. But I have to go, in order to protect my little sister. How did you learn to get past it?
I don’t know how old this post is, but, you just explained my childhood, my mom, and 3 older brothers whom she adored.
At 52, I just would love to know why….
Yes, it screwed me up, I was taught Tons of coping skills through therapy. Still….it remains. What did she see in me to have such a feeling of hate to her only daughter. What it did do though is it made me a great mom to 3 beautiful girls. All grown, 32, 35 and 36. Tons of faults mind you, but, OH, they knew love…
I’d love to reach out and get to know you better through email if your interested.
Let me know…. TFS
Deanna from Nashville
My mother did not love me and oddly enough I identify with the mother who admitted to not having a loving bond with her daughter. I think she did not know what a mother is supposed to feel because her mother didn’t know what she was doing either. My mom actually tried to do things to compensate. I think she knew something was wrong and even more so when my youngest sister was born and she had a very close relationship with her until her death. To be quite honest I believe that it is a condition more than voluntary hate. I am going through some issues trying to find closure and placing my feelings.
There is work to be done on both sides, the parents and the children.
parents have an obligation to their children by having created a person who needs them for survival. if you cannot attach yourself to your infant you are indeed a selfish person. the infant had no control over the circumstances. furthermore, your children are products of you. if you cannot like your child, acknowledge that you and only you are responsible for who they are. by nature and by nurture and by any lack of nurture, they are a product of you. if you cannot like them for who they are, what makes you worthy of the same? are you “special”? perhaps only to your mother. i will not validate your feelings here. you are selfish, self absorbed, and unworthy of pity. you should strongly dislike yourselves for being so selfish. fix yourself, the problem is you. if you feel guilt, that is the only feeling you have which makes any sense. it is there because something is very wrong. just because you can reach out on the internet and find others like yourself it does not make you okay. certainly pedophiles and murderers can do the same.
Wow. I certainly liked your comment. I couldn’t agree more. Many people reach our on the Internet in hope to meet like-minded people. It doesn’t mean they are right in the head. Just means that there are many others who are just as messed up as they are. To have a child and not give them what is essential – love, acceptance, kindness, human touch – is the most appalling thing anyone can do. It has nothing to do with a child and everything to do with a parent and their own issues. It is next to criminal to project those failures onto a child. What kind of human race are we where mothers are giving birth and claiming they can’t love their off-spring? Truly fucked up, if you ask me. Selfish, self-absorbed, and totally fucked up.
Yes, Vesna, and too ego-centric to pass the child on to a better life, after all what would people think if I gave my child away?
I could not agree more!
Too many pregnancies are unplanned or happen because tht is what you do, without a thought to the commitment it takes. Unfortunately the child suffers yet the parent will not relinquish the child. Baby recently in teh news was starved to death, how cruel is that? Turn the child over to an agency that can find a home, yet they don’t. It is crazy and so damaging to the child
Amen. Agree. These women fulfill prophecy which states: in the last days they will be without NATURAL AFFECTION. You all need Jesus. For real.
Link to the article isn’t working… : (
It’s been removed, but I read it here:
http://www.wekidyounot.org/wkyn/printthread.php?tid=1391
What an irresponsible piece of schlock journalism. Yeah, it probably pays in some way to acknowledge publicly that parental love isn’t necessarily a biological absolute, but this? It’s harmful to Catherine, and honestly reads more like a psychotic split between internal and external than a simple matter of some kind of random absence of love.
What aggravates the hell out of me is this nonsense about emotions being somehow outside of one’s own control.
“But I know I can’t help the way I feel. I can’t turn on my feelings like a tap. ”
Horsesh*t. If you aren’t controlling your own emotions, who is?
If the bond doesn’t come magically from on high, you bond with your child the same way you bond with anyone else–by spending time with them, getting to know them, finding common ground, cuddling and so on.
I admire your decision not to have children Chris because you don’t appear to have any sense of emotion at all. You seem to see emotion as something that has to be controlled rather than a force that makes things move and happen. I can see you’d have a lot of trouble making sense of a newborn baby screaming it’s head off because it’s hungry or tired or lonely. Most of us have the ability to express emotion trained out of us by the time we’re 5 in the name of good behaviour, when really all that does is teach us to bottle up our feelings until they explode in mid life crisis etc. Emotions are hormone driven, not simply a person’s choice to switch on or off in order to manipulate as many people believe. If you want to know who’s controlling our emotions – ask a menopausal woman.
Heather, Christina and Chris0509 are different commenters and their posts were made almost a year apart. Christina hasn’t expressed a desire not to have children in her comment.
I think I’d have less of a problem with the confession if she changed her name or something. What if her daughter ends up reading it?
She should have just sent a postcard to PostSecret.
The Terrible Mother is a classical Jungian archetype — one that occupies the role opposite the (male) Hero. She is the secret face behind the dragon that all heroes must face down in order to come to adulthood. The Terrible Mothers in contemporary news stories are real people, but they’re also great “stories” because of the way that journalists can choose to make them read like like fairytales come to life. (As opposed to, for instance, “Ms. X, alternately abused and neglected in childhood, is unable to form strong emotional attachments with anyone. Unsurprisingly, parenthood has not turned out to be an easy experience for her.)
For me, there’s something so magnetic about the Terrible Mother archetype — it’s my experience of my own mother when I’m feeling down, it’s what I see when I look in the mirror sometimes out of the corner of my eye. In real life I’m not a terrible mother, but her mysterious, Kali-like figure still has some powerful psychic pull.
She’s certainly not alone, nor is it impossible to find stories of other people in a similar situation. Both mothers and fathers. There are quite a few examples of it on Tanya Byron’s House of Tiny Tearaways.
I agree with Christina, we aren’t entirely at the mercy of our emotions, but sometimes people need some help to understand where theirs come from and how to modify them and make them more positive.
It doesn’t take a genius to suspect that she has a whole lot of negative feelings she’s attached to that poor kid which she needs to recognise and separate from the child. But she’s hardly going to achieve that talking to a newspaper.
I also agree that you need to work on bonding with your child, but there is a tendency for wonderful birth experiences with instantaneous, everlasting love to be over-represented to the casual observer. A 22 year old might be forgiven for thinking there is just something wrong because she didn’t spontaneously bond with the slimy, ugly creature she was presented with.
I felt such sadness for this woman’s daughter. Not sure what motivated the woman to make her lack of feelings for her child public, other than to try in some way relieve herself of the burden she felt she was carrying, but I agree with some of the other comments in that it is irresponsible and in terribly poor judgement on the part of the publication to print this.
As to why she feels no “love” for her daughter? My guess is that something went awry in their early attachment, for whatever combination of reasons. My advice to the mother would be, especially at this stage of proceedings, to keep her worries out of her daughter’s hearing, and to do the responsible grown up thing by doing the very best she can to look after her daughter’s emotional needs as well as she is able.
It’s all good to acknowledge our deepest fears, and it might very well be comforting for other parents to hear them, but I think the 11-year old’s needs here should come first.
El burro I completely disagree, the whole “fake it ” approch can actually be very damaging. You can give a child all the care in the world but children can feel it deep down when they are just not loved. Its a lifelong pain that will carry on into adulthood.
It is good she has acknowledged she doesnt feel a loving bond with her child so why not give her up for adoption.
I know from experience, that child must be dying inside, everytime she goes for a hug to be rejected, ignored, its just horrible.
I think this mother is selfish by keeping her, there are women out there who cant have children and give the world for a daughter like her, why not let one of those women have her and shower her with all the love she deserves..
This thing is best left to hash out with your therapist, not a public newspaper. I can not imagine reading an article about how my mother didn’t love me in print.
There are many people who can not attach. There are psychological reasons behind it best left to professionals. But it is a discussion worth having without fear of being attacked for being honest (though I agree it is not something your kids should read about in the paper).
You know when your mother doesn’t love you. If you aren’t allowed to know that your mother can’t love, you can grow up thinking that you (the child) are unloveable. Believe me, it is easier to know the issue is your mother’s and not yours.
Jake,
That’s a very interesting perspective. I never thought of it that way. I don’t know if I agree with you or not. It’s something I’d have to think about.
I think it would be horrible to have your parent not love you. I’m not sure if it would be worse if you suspected it and it was denied. Or worse if it was out in the open.
Even if it’s better in the open, wouldn’t it be still better not to put it out there in the public eye. Maybe it’s something they need to work on as a family. I also think 11 is a bit young to handle that information. I think your idea would make more sense to me if the child was older….maybe 15+
I also think there’s the issue of her being able to love the other child. This is not a woman who is incapable of love. It’s a woman who’s incapable of loving this one daughter. How can you not take that personally?
This article was so compelling and made me so very sad and had me going through so many different emotions. I don’t think it’s terrible she did the article. It pulls attention to an issue that another parent might read and realize they are not alone. And she’s honest even though I can’t identify with her in a million years.
My heart just aches for this child. I can’t imagine. I think she will have some real issues to find that love that her mother hasn’t given her, even if she is trying to do better now. It kills me to think of that toddler coming to her for cuddles and being turned away. Uh. The crush of that.
I do think there is a point when we cannot control our emotions. So much of our person is the chemicals that run through our body.
I can admit a confession that my own (only) child, who I love eons over, is a very trying toddler who drives me out of my mind many days. I have wondered if I had another baby who was very calm in disposition, if I would love them more. It’s scary to have those thoughts. And mothers do have favorites no matter what many say. I just hope my children would never know the better as these two siblings must obviously know.
I read it, and was a) amazed at her chutzpah for making the confession public, and b) appalled at the impact such a confession would have on her child. Sure, we all have days – longer? – when we might not like our children. Maybe we have moments when we don’t love them, although I’m not quite sure what that would even mean. But to state it as an absolute? ‘I can’t help it, I don’t love my child’? Even if it is true – and who is anyone to say that it isn’t? – who gains from the saying? Because the cost to the child… gah.
no some mothers hate their children, or at the very least have no bonding or attachment at all. They see the child as a problem they wish they did not have. Some go so far as to act on getting rid of the problem, but for most kids, they are left to bear the brunt of an angry unloving mother.
I am my mother’s eldest. A lady at my church said, oh you have such a wonderful daughter. She pretended not to hear so I prodded her and I said, didn’t hear what she said Mom, she turned to the woman and said, yes, but my son is my pride and joy. I am not 11, but 56 and it still hurts. My mother is 86. Sometimes I think when she dies I will be free of always trying to win her love, and other times, I just think I will really be a motherless child then.
Don’t try to win her love, recognize her problems have nothing to do with you, You are not the problem, she is. You are a child of the universe and you have a right to be here.
We often think we need love from a person, sometimes we have to find love elsewhere. And we must learn to love ourselves.
Nancy
Deborah Chall-Hutchinson i just have went thru another phase of mental emotional spiritual verbal and almost pysical abuse from my 74 year old mom ,i went too get her for a week in July it was the later part of the month she drinks and has always chose me as the 1 too pick on,i was about to have a break down and talked to her dr and was about too put her n a 24/7 care living as alll she wanted was to b waited on i am now in therapy because of this,she is now with my younger sister as i told them what i was going to do,i have always been the 1 that she chosetoo pick on as i am a positive person and she is negative,but she had moved in the apt upstairs and i would hear all she said ,i am trying to figure why she always hated me and loved alll her sons n which 2 have deceased and i was the 1 with the younger 1 he was 43 and he loooked at me as the mom as i had help raise them i am trying to work thru this and wander y did she hate me that bad,and it is still going on the hatred talking about me back at were she wanted to be .preying on others i am just trying to understand how she could hate me when i am a strong lady?thank you.
I’m also 56 and was my mother’s younger child. My mother told me several times during my life that she had never wanted a second child, she only wanted one – my older sister. And I’d always known that deep down. There were no photos of me as a baby or toddler, the first one was taken at school. I tried until the day my mother died, to win her love but it didn’t happen. And ironically, the day I decided I couldn’t do any more to win her love and affection, that was the day she died and it was Mother’s Day of all days and she still managed to physically push me away from her when I tried to give her a hug. After she died I felt only relief. At first I didn’t know why I didn’t miss her. And then I realised I’d never had her love and you can’t miss what you’ve never had. I missed having her love far more when she was alive and we were together. Now that she’s dead I can stop trying to win her love or anyone else’s and save my energy. My mother often subtly ridiculed me in front of other people and I realised that came from her own silly insecurity as the oldest child in her own family. It was obvious from her behaviour even as an elderly woman that she had never got over having other sisters to share parents with. She was used to being the centre of their universe and that’s why she only wanted one child and no more and why should couldn’t bring herself to love me. It would have been nice to have been loved but at least I know I am capable of it.
Oh Deborah that is one very painful memory.
Deborah Chall-Hutchison I understand you completely. I had a mother who didn’t love me as much as my brother. I am not sure if she loved me at all. I grew up frightened, dysfunctional and angry for many years as an adult. I felt like unwanted goods and was tired of hearing how I was “JUST LIKE MY FATHER that BASTARD” It affected my life, many times I wanted to just die. I have never had family support.
My mother tried to kill me as a toddler and I learned not to trust her. She was mentally unstable and unable to attach to me somehow. She said she loved me but there was always that condition for loving me. I love you but..you are not this or that.
My brother on the other hand didn’t live the first seven years of his life in fear of his mother doing him in or wondering why you can’t make her happy at all. He is younger than I by 5 years.
My mother died and that day a weight lifted from my soul. My father died the same year. I knew I would never ever find the mother love I wanted then. It was over.
I have had to be my own mother and hold myself in. After many years of counseling I am learning to be my own mother. I have to protect my heart from my brother and his wife. He is fine with me but his wife cannot believe me when I speak of the abuse I endured and the sexual abuse from my father cannot even be mentioned. I am the one at fault, I lost my mothers love and I caused my father to abuse me.
I am done with my family and moving on. My first marriage was to a dysfunctional man and I one day decided I wanted love and began to care for myself. I found a good man who is patient and loving and cares for me. He has the stability to let me grow. I have been to a lot of counseling and I am now working on the deep inner rage I have held in for years over the lack of love and care and any stability in my life. I never had any thing stable. I am amazed I am even functionally normal. I just became a loner in my own family.
I am still working on loving myself and letting go of my parents neglect. I have had to do so much to overcome their failures and I now realize how strong I must be to deal with it without suicide. I do not have children and in a way I am glad I didn’t. I didn’t want to continue the problems of our family and after my mother told me I would be a lousy mother don’t have kids I realized she would just never support me or love them.
If Shelley doesn’t like her daughter then give her to someone who would love her. I wish that had happened for me. That child will know it and be a problem till she loves herself and doesn’t feel unworthy.
Monika, Ditto! I am in the same boat as you; half a life time of therapy to get over it.
While I do feel sad for Catherine as I had a mother who made it plain she never wanted me, I can also fell for Shelly, too. Sometimes people can’t help how they feel. I’ve also been in Shelly’s shoes, too. In my case, I had a 1st child I love dearly and was I happy with being the mother of an only child, so I got a tubal ligation…only to have it fail. No matter how I felt I could not be happy with that unintended, unwanted pregnancy. I felt depressed and nearly suicidal. My marriage began to unravel and we actually separated. It was counselors at our church that suggested adoption, and we did. I have no regrets about it, yet there are those who do judge and make rude comments about how I “gave my baby away.” I still say adoption is better than either abortion or keeping the child and resenting him or her. It’s too bad no one talked to Shelly about the adoption option. The both she and Catherine would’ve had a better chance at happiness.
Thank you for your honesty, and your refusal to blame or hate the child for being conceived. You made the right decision, and got yourself help from everyone. (I’m also glad the church was willing to help rather than judge). You should be proud of yourself, you likely made that child and another mother very happy and fulfilled. Far better than having a child who, despite all your best efforts, ends up being the ‘unfavourite’ and you frightened constantly of turning into your mother.
Shelley should never have lied to any of the midwives or health professionals- this isn’t a condemnation, it was simply a bad decision on her part. It’s likely that all of the sad events surrounding her pregnancy and the lack of control she felt made her detach from the baby to keep herself alive, and she let it consume her after she could get her head around things. She’s not a horrible or even a weak person, but she was too passive then, and she’s likely to be too passive now even as she wants to help Catherine. You’re completely different from her.
There is nothing here that I do not know personally, My mother did not love me, was very abusive but when I divorced the family for 10 yrs she was super worried about what others thought about it.
And yet until she died she could not even pretend to like me. It is strange, I was a good kid, took care of my brothers, worked hard on the family farm, never in any trouble. Went on to a stellar career which she had to lie about to her friends and family because it was not good enough. Go figure
Nancy;;I have the same..go gifure……She was a Tyler Rose Festival Diva
married at 16, then divorced..
she cme from proverty but ran around with th rich Oil and Gas crowd
She is fake, shallow, and has change completely now that her husband is gone.
She is paranoid……..cannot think coherently…and I had the had nurse
at Baylor hospital come in and ask to speak with me while my fater was dyig because…my mother was incoherent.
This was actually a gift fromgod letting me know is was just not me she
she treated that way…That this was a beginning of my losing my mother
that I love very much and she was gone…….I cried and cried. and I still cry every night because her mindis gong
Pleasecontact me so we can share storiesl Contact me please by Shadylak1@yahoo.com
I too, have a mother who didn’t want me. Actually, she didn’t want any kids at all and certainly not the five she had. She made the right choice not to have kids, but back then in the late 40’s and 50’s, unlike today, there were no options for women who didn’t want to be a mom. She tried to kill me and my sister on several occasions and was a violent out of control rage-aholic. There was no love. We grew up with constant fear, rage, and unpredictability and a lot of cruelty, abuse, physical beatings and mental abuse. No support, no love. She is a narcissistic sociopath.
I heard over and over how she wanted to have a career. But back in the late 1940’s, after she married my dad and when I was born in 1952, there were no options, no birth control. She tried to bribe the Dr with money (and who knows maybe what else) to have her tubes tied so she didn’t have to have more kids. She was told it was not possible as he would lose his license to practice and he had a family. There was no birth control, no choices to be made.
Fast forwarding to a few years ago, my younger brother died. I knew she wished it was me lying there but she didn’t say anything. All of a sudden as I was at my dying brothers bedside, she came up behind me and as I turned toward her she came right within an inch of my face and screamed out … “Why … why .. why… Why does God have to take my David”? She meant, why couldn’t it have been ME lying there dying instead of her youngest child, her son. She resented me more than him, for some unknown reason.
So, to this day, I feel like crying when people are angry towards their birth moms or complain that their birth moms gave them up for adoption or they were abandoned. I wish my mom left me at the Hospital and ran off. Had my mom given each of us up for adoption, 5 children would have had much better lives (nothing could be worse than what we all 5 suffered) and she would have made 5×2 = 10 adoptive parents happy, plus 5 kids = 15 … not too mention their extended families as well. But, oh, what would others think? So, she kept us for selfish reasons.
I have a lot of respect for and admire women who recognize that they can’t raise a child and instead give the baby a good home, instead of torturing the children and hating them. Giving up a child is so hard to do but it is so UNselfish. I wish my mom had. Now, all of this has contributed to my relationship with my own (grown) daughter. Out of all this comes the fact that I loved my daughter with all my heart and soul (and it showed) from the minute she was born until she became a teenager.
She’s now in her early 30’s, 15 years older now and I still can’t stand her. At least we had the first 16 very good years together. Now, I wouldn’t care if I never saw my own daughter again. I gave her what I never had and for the past 20 years all she does is whine and complain and brood … her childhood wasn’t good enough. Jana
Now that is really sad! you ‘ve spent so many years in a wonderful relationship, only for it to culminate to your having such negative fellings for your daughter. I don’t think there really is a connection between your experience w/your mother, and your experiences with your daughter. With your mother, it seems like no matter how good you were she still would not have been good to you, but with your daughter, she was obviously sweet until she became an adult, it seems her negative behavior is why you no longer like your child. I hope she will begin to appreciate you and act accordingly so that your hidden love for her will surface again.
What sort of life does your daughter lead? If she’s on dole money only with no intention to ever get off it, or locked into an unhappy marriage, blaming all of her misery on an unhappy childhood would be unreasonable and you’re right to be angry. Also, if you were a single parent, her ‘not having a father’ was not your fault, and no reason to still be unhappy.
If she’s actually seeing a counsellor or doing something that can help her live a happier life, such as studying, working or building friendships and romance, then she’s clearly not spending all of her time whining, complaining and brooding. That’s actually a very judgmental thing to say about her, and it’s unhelpful. Have you asked her why it wasn’t good enough, or have you decided that she’s just a baseless complainer? Have you tried to improve the relationship?
Sorry about that later comment- I think it came off as far crueller than I intended. If you were just annoyed at your daughter on the day you commented, you were simply blowing off steam and not being judgmental. But if that’s the opinion you carry around with you all the time, the same rant that all your friends hear about on a semi-regular basis…Do you really want to have that for the rest of your life? Now, if you’ve already tried and you’ve even asked her why she felt her childhood wasn’t good enough and tried to see why she may think that way and explain, you may have no choice. That’s okay, you have other people in your life, and she may get the kick up the backside needed to move on.
But if you really haven’t, do you want to risk losing your daughter forever? Would you change your opinions, maybe even your mindset, to get your daughter back? All parents are human and flawed, and most hurt their children unintentionally, does she know this? She might not even want you to say “I’m a horrible parent,” but just simply to acknowledge that she was hurt and that you are sorry for that hurt, even if it couldn’t have been prevented (tell her that too). Even the most loving parents can hurt their children (think of all the over-protective parents who are bossy but only because they want the best). She may merely need to be listened to. Or she could need a counsellor’s number and a kick up the bum. *grins*
One of many of the reasons I am pro choice is exemplified here. Some of us never married, because the trust/love connection was so wildly mis-presented in family, church, society, movies. Love=hate=demeaning=intolerance. To this day, I am so distrustful of what REAL people are like…who they dismiss vs who they love. And an ongoing disdain from a now 87 year old mother who can say “thank you” only for the petty things, but a constant stream of “what’s wrong with you” and a box full of whatever you gave her for gifts if you ever disagree with her aloud. The only communication is slander, annoyance at a prayer, and laments that your are unloving. I wish I had someone on my side, but I choose Prince Harmings that surprise me with their double life and lack of ability to commit. I am so broken, loving the unlovable, untrusting, and confused by those who navigate human emotions without injury. Forgiving the unforgivable. I don’t want to sound so lost, but there is a chasm that was cleaved so early, with disastrous outcomes in my efforts to bridge the gap.
The depth of your loss can be felt thru the post. But I have been there too and found great help in skilled counseling, I came to learn it was not me that was unlovable but rather I was born to an unloving woman. I too am pro choice, but i am happy I was not aborted because my work has put me in a leadership position to help women with endometriosis, world wide. Would someone else have picked up on it? I don’t know but I do know this is a purpose filled life for me
http://www.alice-miller.com/flyers_en.php
excellent website for understanding our life without loving mothers. It is not our fault, and I too look back and wonder why i did not go to childrens services and look for help. I had been in foster care once already, but perhapbs i was too young to know exactly what was going on.
nancy
I’ve just stumbled upon this and am speechless. So many of you share such painful mother daughter experiences, it’s frightening. I also respect this woman for revealing one of the darkest secrets of all time, although this ‘perfect mother’ image only began in the 1940’s and 50’s and has now become plain ridiculous. Before that, other people raised our children, even breast feeding them, so there weren’t even thoughts of attachment issues between mothers and their children. Men of course, have always been allowed to be detached by society, and involved fathers are something to be revered. Children and neglected, beaten, abused and murdered every single day, so I really can’t understand why a mother explaining that she doesn’t connect with one of her children, is so abhorrent. ~30 year old mother from South Africa.
It is so abhorrent because the child is left without love, without care and with no way to even learn to love themselves or grow into reasonably normal human beings.
Their souls are deeply wounded, they ache for someone to care enough about their safety, love needs, teaching them, mentoring them. They grow up on a vacuum and live lives of desperation, often raising kids for which they really do not have the parenting skills.
It is one of the reasons we have so many drug addicts, prostitutes, thiefs, murderers, no one is raising the kids, teaching them right from wrong in dysfunctional families. Then you have multigenerational dysfunctions, We do not become more competent as people if we do not raise good, well loved, well mentored kids.
It is also a reason there is so much hate and fear in the world, both grow in the absence of love. Again I refer anyone interested to Alice Miller PhD’s work on child abuse.
Nancy
I agree with you!!!
I can’t help but think of the backwards stupidity of our educational system, which by the way does almost nothing to stop the violence that goes on among the student body. This educational system focuses so much on issues and fields of knowlege which have so little relevancy to everyday living and living functionally well. I have always believed thast women as well as men should be required to pass various testing processes before they are given the go ahead to have children. First they should be asked if they want them and then take it from there. Instead of any parental education which can only benefit society , we punish students for not remembering the contents of a history book, while allowing them to bring children into the world, which they have no clue on how to love . There are so many book smart stupid parents in the world, wouldn’t you say.
Yes, of course its going to cause her some emotional damage, but no more than a child being brought up by a step-mother, most of whom do not love their step-children. What I was trying to express, is that a mother not showing affection to her children cannot alone cause these children to become drug addicted miscreants. There are far worse things. I grew up with exactly the same mother and realised very early, with a little therapy, that I needed to move on. In my experience of living in the country that I live in, children become extremely damaged human beings when they are EXPOSED to gangs, violence, drugs and alcoholism, regardless of how much or how little they are loved. Thats why this middle class child growing up in a middle class life is not going to turn out so badly, unless she is allowed to.
Well, you have two things going for you, middle class and therapy. So many of the kids who do not succeed have neither of those going for them.
I was not in a middle class family, we barely made ends meet, and there was a great deal of abuse but my real mother. I succeeded by divorcing the past and because I had a grandmother who was an “enlightened witness”, who loved me very much, who taught me right from wrong, and who served as a stablizing force until she became ill about the time I was 13.
By then I had a goal in mind, to become a nurse and had earned and saved the money for tuition by picking berries and other subsistence commodities (ferns, salal, bark). Without my grandmother, I would have ended up like my brother (half brother, no relation to my grandmother), growing pot for a living, and living off the books so long he will not get any retirement benefits.
Success despite one’s circumstances, almost always comes from someone outside the circumstances recognizing your worth, capacity, potential and facilitating your suppressed voice. It begings to give you new messages; messages you do not get in your home. Without that you begin to believe and live the environment to which you are exposed as a young impressionable child. I don’;t think you and I are very far apart on this issue, just seeing it through different eyes, I am a 68 yr old retired nurse in the USA.
http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php?page=2
I hate to make this comparison but the comparison is not meant to be taken in a way that makes mother’s look bad. It is said by experts in the field that serial killers can kill and simply lack the emotion that a “normal” person would have. It isn’t like they are having all this sadness but doing it anyway. My point is this: There are mothers who give birth to children and don’t have maternal feelings for their babies. When the babies are infants or even as they get older. They simply lack those emotions. Like it or leave it, it’s the truth.
Truth or not, it destroys the soul of the child. To come back from such a basic rejection takes strengths many children do not even have the opportunity to develop because they are so hated.
It is abuse of the child’s core beliefs of love and caring. it destroys the child unless the child has someone who can reflect back to him or her that they arenot the problem, the unloving mother is
I believe they lack emotions in most cases because they have not been properly socialized or loved. You have to have love and compassion expressed to you in order to learn it. You cannot teach yourself in a vaccum what is acceptable and what is not. In fact you isolate yourself to avoid the fact you are unloved, unwanted, you get what you need by acting out regardless of the social norms.
Mothers who give birth to kids they do not love, should quit after one, ideally should not give birth at all.
This mother is so insensitive to her daughters feelings. As you can see she only cares about her own or she wouldn’t have done this. My mother has hated me since day 1 and has never tried to hide that fact. I have many siblings who were shown love and were manipulated into showing hatred towards me as well. We are adults now for many years and this has never changed and never will I guess. As for this mother, wasn’t it enough that you showed this to daughter all her life? Did you really have to keep going just to mess with her some more???? I know you so very well!!! You are just looking for support in your abuse towards your daughter so you can feel justified in you’re behavior. Too bad because I know God must be trying to set you straight in you’re thoughts but instead you are looking to support you’re evil ways with others like you. One thing I know is that abusive parents look to others to be their allies and help support abuse toward that one. YOU DO NOT DESERVE YOU’RE DAUGHTER!!!!! What you give is what you’re going to receive in the end.
For some on here you will never really comprehend the totality that physical and mental abuse plays on a child and adult. The fact is, is that as an adult the anger goes so deep and it pisses you off that a mother can say she hates that child. I know for a fact that to not be shown love does not take away a person’s ability to love. I have loved my son with my whole heart and have never abused him in anyway. So as much as a violent, alcoholic, twisted and sadistic so called mother wanted to destroy me, she didn’t win!
I agree, my sadistic abusive mother did not win either. However with out the assistance of a grandmother who adored me, I wonder where I would have ended up. She taught me right from wrong in a loving way, (in contrast to my mother who raged even when i did things right, just to have a reason to beat me), taught me that I was worthy and that what was going on in my life was not my fault.
Without that learning, I believe i would have felt very unworthy and perhaps ended up on drugs or alcohol to medicate the pain and unworthiness. She was the enlightened witness that showed me a different life was possible. Without that, perhaps i would have grown up with rage and a loveless personality.
I believe kids who are asocial, without emotion or feelings are not properly socialized and loved. They come to believe they are unlovable, not all but those who do not make it in life. They have no reference point as to the way life can be lived (without rage, hate, drugs, booze, etc).
Feelings of inferiority in women also lead to a lack of self “care for them” with drugs and alcohol in exchange for sex with strangers for money.
A downward spiral that is very hard to stop alone.
Nancy
While trying to conclude the basis for my binge eating, I stumbled across this article. Wow. So disgusting. My “mother” is a horrible, nasty, narcissistic sociopath, who did everything in her power to intimidate, abuse, and frighten us to the point that I still try to train myself to wake up in the morning without fear and anxiety. I have abused drugs, alcohol, food, and just about anything else that I thought might fill the gaping void in my soul because of her hurtful and hateful behaviour. It’s so embarrassing at this time of year, especially, when others are talking about spending the holidays with their families–or even when people begin to reminisce about memories of their mother’s cooking or beauty routine or …anything, really. I have no memory of anything except physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Additionally, I’m an overachiever, but I suffer from so much nervousness, anxiety, and fear of failure that everything just seems twice as hard. I’ve achieved a lot, and I’m glad that I followed through on my dreams, but it doesn’t matter to anyone because success and learning are not valued by my “family.”
You need to do the things you do for yourself. You are to be commended that you got beyond your family. Non-nurturing mothers are really not mothers, but have such devastating impact on our lives.
On the other hand perhaps we would not have been such ac hievers if we were not driven? I don’t know for sure, but suspect I was pursuing a better life than I had.
Nancy
Oh as to embarassment about not having families during the holidays, I seek out friends who are also alone and ask if they would like to get together over the holidays, which works out well
This is interesting. There’s really a GLARING double-standard here. Why is it not ok for this mother to admit (albeit in the wrong forum–this really shows a massive failing in the psychology healthcare services near her home) that she has no feeling for her child, while it’s always been acceptable for men to remain detached from children? Men don’t have to attach because they didn’t “carry” the child? As if those 9 months make a difference for the entire child’s lifetime and upbringing. I’m so tired of women having to carry this ridiculous weight of being the empathetic feeling all-loving mothers to their offspring. Motherhood has been glorified to the point that every child born is supposed to be worshipped like the second coming of Christ or else you are a bad mother or at least must have PPD. Men can continue watching television and doing their own things, while helping out every once in a while, but nooo, the mother is supposed to bond. Ridiculous.
I was not loved as a child by either parent and I’m still dealing with that, but I certainly don’t feel the need to engage in the child-worship regime that has formed in the past 60 or so years. No doubt I love my children, and I work hard to make sure they’re growing up to be independent thoughtful people, but I don’t gooo all over them, nor do I play with them (they play with each other,) nor do I respond to their every whim and demand (which apparently defines most “good” mothers nowadays.) No child worship here. I bring this up, because so many people hide behind the concept of “loving” your child, when what they really mean is worship your child. There is a fine line between the two.
Nor did I have love or attention by either parent, however todays fathers generally are more involved. Much greater bonding of fathers and their children seems to be the norm these days.
There is likely still some children who’s fathers do not bond, often in my opinion fathers who did not really want children. Children should be a two parent decicsion, really wanted by both, mothers cannot make for father loss.
Sometimes women believe a child will help the relationship, but in fact harm it as there is less energy to put into the relationship and things often deteriorate.
Regardless of what women believe, children need dads, not just men in their lives but real flesh and blood, loving dads.,
Father Loss is also a book, but E Wakerman, (a woman) which seems to be right on about this subject.
http://www.amazon.com/Father-Loss-Daughters-Discuss-That/dp/0805001670
Marcie, I completely agree with you and think that was the point of this mother’s disclosure. Men have been allowed to be so detached, that they don’t even see the children growing up in their own homes and are allowed to indulge in this behaviour by their partners and by society because they are ‘working’ or ‘too busy’ to be involved in their children’s lives. This destructive behaviour creates further generations of unloving fathers and dysfunctional children and yet this mother chronicles her detachment and the world gasps in horror. Yes, she doesn’t deserve this child, many parents don’t deserve their children because they choose their own needs above their children, abuse them, expose them to things that are damaging, use drugs, bring home different sexual partners etc etc because they don’t love their children enough to make sacrifices and to have their children’s best interests at heart. This woman is just echoing the sentiments of millions of fathers who have been allowed to get away with their detached roles allowed in a patriarchal society. I have a mother who is so abusive that it has been suggested by my attorneys that I sue her for damages – I would have preferred it if she had rather been detached.
I can sooooo relate to the mother who wrote the article. I have a ten year old son whom I had from a previous relationship. His father was arrested and put in prison when I was four months pregnant. He recieved ten years in prison and I was a single parent for a while. when my son was three I met a guy who I have been with for 8 years now and have two children by. When I first had my son I was so happy I cried tears of joy. But every since the other children came along I don’t feel the same about him because he treats them so bad he’s mean to them and he hits them when i’m not around. I’ve tried talking to him and telling him that I love them all the same but truth be told I don’t feel the same way about him. Somewhere along the line I lost that loving feeling toward him and i really try. When i hug my other children I feel a strong sense of love toward them but it’s not the same with me and him. I want to seek help but don’t know if i can afford it because I don’t want my son to grow up and hate me.
Go to the county health department for counseling. It is either free or the fee is adjusted according to your income. I am raising my grandson. He feels that his mother does not love him. He has been in counseling at the health department for the past year and he feels it helps and wants to continue.
Kudos to you for raising your grandson. You are his savior and to see that he has the opportunity for counseling gives him a real chance at recovering from his mothers rejection. Not that you ever get over it entirely, but through counseling he learns it is not his fault and through your care he learns he is lovable. What a wonderful gift you have given him
Nancy
Your son already knows you do not love him as much, if at all. It is no doubt why the kid is acting out. Both you and he need counseling, you for your rejection of your son, and he to prepare him for a life without loving parents, and a huge hole in his soul which he already knows is present. If you don;t love him, find him a home where they will. It will not erase the hole in his soul, but perhaps he will be able to cope with it instead of becoming a criminal, or more violent than he already is.
You do this child no service by trying to convince him of something that is not true, you simply make him more schizoid by telling him one thing while he knows something else to be true. I urge you to act promptly. You both need help. Below is a link to the worlds leading expert on child abuse (yes not loving him is abusive to his spirit) and would be an excellant resource if you truly want to get to the bottom of your situation.
http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php
I don’t know the woman in question so I don’t want to judge her but I do wonder how difficult it must be for a small child to be brought into a relationship if they are never fully accepted. I worked with one woman who was in a similar situation she had a boy at a young age and had no contact with his natural father. She said she married because she needed the stability and security that marriage offered with a small child in tow but she also told me how she was always worried about keeping her son quiet so as to not upset her new husband. This woman later had two more children with this man. It was however the oldest son she grew to dislike, he had been in constant conflict with the husband as he grew older and at 16 was getting help for panic attacks. I cannot help but speculate that the dynamics of that relationship were working against this boy from the very start and he suffered because of it.
I can relate. My mother had my older brother and myself from her first marriage. My biological father and mother were 15 and 17 when they ran off and got married, because my mother was pregnant with my brother. My mother and biological father were from prominent families. My biological father was also abusive to my mother. I’m not sure why they went on to have me. Anyway, they eventually divorced. My mother remarried and the man she married adopted my brother and myself. I was about 2 years old. I also think the only reason why we were adopted, was because my adoptive father hated my biological father. They did not want him in their lives. They all went to high school together and were football rivals.
My mother and adoptive father eventually (within a few years) had a daughter of their own, whom they’ve shown unconditional love for, unlike the hatred they showed my brother and myself. (Mostly, my brother until he left home as a teenager and was NEVER seen again). Eventually all the hatred towards him was directed toward me, and eventually my husband and our 3 wonderful children.
My mother and adoptive father raised my sister’s first child, she had at 18, and raised him as if he was theirs, and loved unconditionally. In fact, he became the “golden child”. My sister went on to have a daughter, at the age of 35 (unmarried) who was not accepted by my mother and my sister’s biological father. She is now in her early 20’s and “lost”.
I recently attended my adoptive father’s funeral, after not having any contact with my parents for 11 years! I attended with my brother’s son (whom my parents also discarded, while living in the same small town). When my nephew (who I hardly knew, now 43, because I left town as soon as I got out of college) and I showed up at my adoptive father’s funeral, my mother acted as if she didn’t know us. My sister, had previously left me harassing and threatening voice mails and texts while my adoptive (her biological) father was dying. I did send a card, along with a separate note to my mother letting her know how my sister was behaving. I did not receive a response.
My mother has tried too control our family’s dynamics. Thank goodness for her mother’s, my grandmother’s, love toward me and my brother. I’m convinced that my mother was very jealous of our relationship with her mother (whom she did not have a good relationship with and no siblings). I am also convinced that because who my biological father was (now deceased and who I finally met when I was 40) my brother and I were doomed right from the beginning.
I too have lived a good life. I have always had good friends. I wanted a college education (which my grandmother paid for), I never got into trouble, I married a good man and have three wonderful (grown) children.
It seems as if the better my life seems to my mother, the meaner she gets towards me and my family. She took money away from my children that was given to them after my grandmother passed away. It wasn’t a lot, but I knew it was her way of holding one last bit of control over our heads. When my oldest daughter asked me if I would please ask “my mother” for her money, after she graduated from college, I told my daughter that it wasn’t worth the possible groveling she would have to do. And, would still not receive it. I did tell my daughter that she could write her “grandmother” a note, requesting the money. My daughter did, and did not receive a response.
I feel that my mother is evil and definitely has something wrong with her. For years I wanted her to love me. It was to never happen. And, my adoptive father was her enabler. Now that he is deceased, I’m sure my nephew, the “golden child”, now 38, has become her “rock”. And, he knows the monetary reward will be his when my mother (his grandmother) passes away.
I no longer feel guilty feeling that when my mother passes away, it will be a relief for not only me, but for the rest of the family she has treated so poorly!
Cristie, how empowering to hear your story and how you overcame those early shortcomings in your parents. Toxic people sometimes just have to be cut out of our lives. I too had grandmother who loved me to pieces, who encouraged me to get an education, who mirrored that I was ok. (in fact deeply loved). I had a college professor who said to me, start where you are now, don’t carry the past with your, build your own life. You have done all of that. congratulations
It’s obvious that the issue with the boy is that the mother was choosing her partner over the him. By trying to control his behaviour in order to keep the husband happy she was indirectly telling the boy that her husband’s feelings came first and that the boy’s acceptance was based on how well he behaved. This insecurity came from the mother’s fear of losing her husband because of a child that didn’t belong to him. She probably feared she would never be accepted by another man because she was a single mother and then projected those fears onto her son once in the marriage. It is of little surprise that the boy became resentful towards her husband. The boy would probably have felt that his mother’s husband was more important than him.
Nicole, I am really irritated at Nancy’s reaction to your comment. I find her opinions juvenile, lacking in compassion and subjective, so please don’t take them to heart. Many parents struggle with their older children, as they don’t dote on their parents or need them like they used to. It comes as a huge shock for your experience of love to become somewhat unrequited. Now is the time to seek out counselling for yourself and your eldest, to learn how to communicate with him and to learn how to cope with losing your little boy who no longer dotes on you. There are plenty of family clinics who offer counselling and guidance. Good luck and I wish you strength.
I can totally relate to this mother. I am a mother of a 2 and 4 year old, both by the same man. On the outside looking in, we seem like the picture perfect family, but on the inside I am screaming!!! I love my husband and my kids, but I am not in love with them. I do what I do everyday because it is my job as a wife and mom. I hate this feeling, but I really never wanted children and felt that I had to conform to be considered normal. Now, when I am alone, I cry all the time because I have lost myself and function as a robot daily. I want to feel and enjoy life, not pray that I don’t wake up in the mornings. I love my kids enough to know that I am not the best mother for them. I want my kids to have a loving mother, but I am not sure I am that woman. I know what it is like to function and go through the motions of acting as a mother, but my children are worth so much more than that. There are plenty of women out there that are not able to have kids and would make a great mother, and then there are us mothers that just ACT. I rarely have that ‘AHH’ moment of parenthood and feel the enjoyment and pleasure. I just wish there was a way to tell people this and to actually get help for it; we are humane enough to know that we lack the skills and yet we are told we have to continue to do it. That is why the rate of women killing kids and husbands have risen so high…
Im with you rq, I can’t get a break, and I can’t even talk about it with my husband because he always thinks of the kids first, never my wellbeing or how I need a break from the demanding bickering mess poops, fighting not eating tantrums. I’m sick of it with a three year old and a 23 month old expecting a third dealing with placenta previa a part time job and no day care.
I don’t particularly remember my mother being extremely violent or abusive physically but ti this day she says and does things that are not cool. I am aware of the destruction I’ve had because of her and my father and it does worr when I lose my cool and have hit my children I don’t want to hurt them but I’m about to explode, I have no one I can talk to without fearing judgement or the threat of my children being taken away but I admit it sucks being a mom and having absolutely no identity other than being that.
I wonder if you can arrange a periodic break? child care? trade time with a friend? find a counselor or peer support group? you sound nearly burned out, and are about to add to that with a 3 rd child all under the age of 4. I think you need a plan of some kind to give yourself a break, support and time to rest. Only you can devise and implement the plan .
Well, having kids changes your life for about 20 years or so. I think you have hit on something important, you can lose yourself in the presence of raising a family.
It might be helpful to find a support group, counseling group or other activity that lets you express your feelings, and get away at the same time.
I think also, talking frankly with your husband that you are feeling overwhelmed and need a little time to yourself to see what can be worked out. I am not sure I would share that you never really wanted kids, but that choice is yours.
Kids will benefit from a break from family too, although all to often we think we have to be there every minute. Your kids are quite young, but eventually here will be occupied a good deal of the day with school, hopefully thinks like scouts or 4 H or other activities that build character and give moms a needed rest from the pressure of it all.
You don;t mention your financial situation but if you can afford a sitter, getting out to lunch with friends once in awhile can be fun, or taking a class or pursuing other hobbies while the children are being cared for can alleviate some of the feelings you have.
You are an individual and you have a right to claim some time and rest for yourself, the first step is assessing the resources you have at hand, If money is an issue, think about trading off with someone else child care for private time.
Most wives/mothers are running very short of sleep these days, and it can have a devastating effect. Wondering too if you are feeling depression as some of the things you voice here could be related to that. Maybe its time for a physical exam and a good discussion with a family practice doc or nurse pracitioner who can help you identify what needs and resources you have.
Best of luck toyou
Nancy
T I am sorry you find my comments irritating, I am a child of an unloving mother, who actually hated me but told everyone she loved me, and a father who abandoned me for a wife and step child who he loved dearly.
From that perspective I was trying to make the point that the young boy acting out, most likely already knows his mother feels differently about him, And that his future is in her hands, if she gets him and her into counseling successsfully it may be good. If she doesn’t he will continue to act out with the violence she identified without understanding why he is angry.,
Kids know these things inately, all is not lost when they do if they have loving people in their lives besides their parents. Grand parents, teachers, counselors can all act as “enlightened witnesses” to the childs plight. To ignore the childs plight, while telling the child you do love him when you don’t splits him from himself. He knows how he feels and it is different that what he is told. A very troubling dichotomy for kids.
Mixed messages do nothing but harm to a child. Telling a child that you love it whilst your actions tell it you don’t gives the child a false picture of what love is. It then searches for more of the same in future relationships. That goes for fathers as well as mothers. Not all fathers love their kids either. Sometimes a parent has a skewed idea of what love is. To some it’s attending to all the practical things, keeping a child clean, well dressed, fed etc. – all the outward displays that tell the public ‘this child is loved’. But that well dressed child may never have been cuddled or hugged, or told that it is loved for who it is. It might simply be a ‘display model’ for the mother to show what a ‘good’ mother she is. My mother used to give me gifts that were not in the least bit suitable for me, but were more what she wanted me to have because she liked them. In other words she wanted a child just like herself. And because I wasn’t a clone of my mother she didn’t love me. My older sister became a clone of my mother so she was much loved and favoured and I see her behaving towards her daughter in exactly the same way – ‘be like me, think like me, agree with me, dress like me or I wont love you.’ The consequence is we’re both pretty screwed up people, but only one of us is aware of the fact.
http://www.naturalchild.org/alice_miller/witness.html
The role of the enlightened witness can make the difference for a child of survival as a whole competant person or not.
RQ, I agree with Nancy’s advice. You need time for yourself and perhaps time to miss your children. You need to do things that you enjoy – you are also a human being and are not just a slave for your children! Don’t buy into that so called self-sacrificial bullshit that modern mothers are supposed to conform to. Once again I come back to modern day expectations of parenting being the worse case of double standards – I bet your husband doesn’t struggle with being a father, having time for himself and dedicating himself to his career? So go out and get a life and DON’T feel guilty. Join a gym, work from home or work away from home if your children are old enough to fill their afternoons with extra-mural activities. Perhaps then you will feel like less of a ‘robot’ and more of an empowered woman and mother.
RQ, the more I think about your situation the more it reminds me of burn out. I hope you will seek some help to ease your emotional life, and find support,
I think it will be really important to you in the long run.
Nancy
First, I would like to say thank you to the blogger who posted this and to all the posters who have shared their thoughts and experiences. Discourse is what we need in this country, so all of can understand the ailment of our society and try to improve them. I want to say I am a mother of three, ages 2,4, and 7 who is happily married in April for 10 years, and I am only thirty years old. I too, like so many other posters come from a family that I used to joke, put the FUN in dysfunctional. Although it was not laughing matter what my brother and I endured, and personally the emotional abuse for me outweighed the physical abuse. My parent married young, and where totally ill equipped to have children. Reality was my mother did not want children, my father did. I grew up with a detached mother, who tried several time to commit suicide, had multiple affairs, abandoned the family multiply time, and eventually my parents divorced when I was 27. It was a toxic environment. Both my parent repeated the cycle they grew up in. My mother swore my father loved me more than her, so over time my father also detached. We are currently rebuilding our relationship, as I was EXTREMEMLY angry with him for many years since I felt like he allowed the abuse to occur and he abused when he could no longer take my mother’s abuse towards him. To the poster Ms. Nancy, I want to say you are valid in the point of “enlighten witness” as I am blessed to have several people cross my path, influence my life, and walk with me on this journey. They introduced me to the arts, literature, and science. As a overachiever anyway, I found self worth and reflection in the subject matter and the fact that “someone” found me worthy of their time. Over time, I discovered that I march to beat of my own drummer, but it also made we deal with the codependent relationship that most dysfunctional families have, and I had to set boundaries, rules, and limitations. I did not finish my BS in Biology, with GPA 3.8, because the answer I had for completing it was to make my mother proud of me. It was a wish that would never happen. It took a while but I know it is not my job to please her, and I hope that I can keep that mindset for my children. What c do in life should fulfill them not their parents. So from my perspective I pray that Catherine too has individual step into her life that will give her their time. While I do not agree with the choice of medium her mother chooses to express her feeling, I think the woman is owed some kudos for at least acknowledging she has issues. My mother has never acknowledged she has issues, as far as she is concerned the world crapped on her, and her children are part of the inconvenience. There is a perceived notion that as mother’s we are all suppose to be “June Clever”, and so many mothers have this perception, they read books by so called experts, many who do not have children, and hold themselves to unachievable expectations; only to be let down and feel like a failure. Also, there is a “child worship” issues in this country, just look at the “helicopter parents.” Mothers need to stop and breathe and feel like it okay to do so without feeling judged. I too, like a previous poster do not feel like it my job to worship my children; however I am a true believer in the Montessori philosophy. Our three children attend a Montessori school and our home environment reflects those principals. It works well for us, and for me as a mother I feel like it provides me the knowledge to teach my children they are kind and capable individuals, and this is taught with love and respect. As we love our children dearly! I have never had professional counseling, the one area I still deal with is fear, and for that very reason we have house rules of no yelling, no striking, and no name calling as I totally fear becoming my mother. That environment was terrifying for me as a child, so I am very aware as not to repeat it. I am very lucky to have married a man who is my partner, not just my husband. Is is my hope that Catherine will have people, family or not invest in her, while her mother may have her own demons to deal with, and that she is able to deal with those demons. The reason I came across this blog is my sister-in-law, tonight at a family dinner asked me point blank why I am not angry about motherhood taking time away from me, as she is has not found motherhood to be the “fairy tale” she thought it would be. I am not a perfect mother, and believe me there are moment, and sometime days I feel frustrated by behaviors but I have never been angry with motherhood. I have had moments of “what was I thinking.” I also make time for myself, as I am avid equestrian and a novice potter; those are my choice soul soothers. I would recommend in a heartbeat that every mother find the woman that was there before they became a mom, and always hold on to a piece of that. I am very concern for her as I have read these post and my own experiences as my brother in law wants a second child. I firmly believe our childhood affects the person we become for better or worse, but I think we need to reach out to mothers who are brave enough to speak up. Every child deserves to be loved, and every women needs to be heard.
Your insight to your circumstances is wonderful. Yes you are not on a journey to please your mother, her indifference makes that impossible.
As for never being in counseling, that is always a choice and it is very hard work. It is not a “miracle cure” and some choose never to pursue that path. It does provide insight, help you identify and overcome phobias and self esteem issues. But this occurs only when people enter into it honestly, and that is a very courageous thing to do.
It can be incredibly painful as well, but for me it was worth the work.
It sounds as though you have set a difference course for your children and have a wonderful supportive partner in raising and loving them.
Congratulations to you and him.
Nancy
on January 28, 2010 at 11:45 pm | Reply DEE M.
Deborah Chall-Hutchinson i just have went thru another phase of mental emotional spiritual verbal and almost pysical abuse from my 74 year old mom ,i went too get her for a week in July it was the later part of the month she drinks and has always chose me as the 1 too pick on,i was about to have a break down and talked to her dr and was about too put her n a 24/7 care living as alll she wanted was to b waited on i am now in therapy because of this,she is now with my younger sister as i told them what i was going to do,i have always been the 1 that she chosetoo pick on as i am a positive person and she is negative,but she had moved in the apt upstairs and i would hear all she said ,i am trying to figure why she always hated me and loved alll her sons n which 2 have deceased and i was the 1 with the younger 1 he was 43 and he loooked at me as the mom as i had help raise them i am trying to work thru this and wander y did she hate me that bad,and it is still going on the hatred talking about me back at were she wanted to be .preying on others i am just trying to understand how she could hate me when i am a strong lady?thank you.
this is DEE M i had put deborahs name before my point of discussion as i am still bedazzled by what my mom did to me i am sorry for typing in ur name the way i did ,please forgive my mistakes ,Thank You.
Dee, what you mother did to you was not your fault. It is not about you, it is about her. She made you feel weak and vulnerable so she could take her aggression and anger out on you. It is a viscious circle. It really is not about you, she drinks and she uses you as her punching bag.
There are a few things you can do, you can tell her directly you will not tolerate this anymore and lay out that when she behaves like that toward you, you will leave………..then do it. I would not invite her into your home. It is an invitation for her to abuse you. You can do some trial visits, and if they go well then continue to visit her once or twice a month where she is. The very moment she starts, you say, ya know mom, maybe i will come back when you are not so cranky and abuisive. don’t argue, don’t let her respond, just get up and leave.
Before you try to visit again, you might call and ask her how she is feeling, that you would like to visit but don’t want to come if she is feeling angry or bad. Then don’t go.
You continue the cycle, if you feel you must visit or try to have some sort of relationship with her. My m om got so bad, i just changed my phone number and my job and I did not see her for 10 years. It made my life wonderful. It is a choice.
But again, how she treats you is not your fault, you are not defective or unloveable, or otherwise unacceptable. Counseling will help you with your learning around this as can some reading. I will post a link for you here.
http://www.alice-miller.com/profile_en.php read some of her books, it will be very helpful for you to understand you were a child of innocence.
Nancy
Thank you Nancy,you know i have suffered thru this so many years that really i do understand all of this is her fault as she has pointed me out as i am a positive lady but she actually did not want any of her children and wished death upon us when we were young!I just chose too stay away as u were talking about then as i was going thru some other terrible things in July i went too get her! wrong thing i did shame on me.really i do not want no relationship with her at all because she will b 74 the 30th and will never change itz the drinking the drugs and so forth mainly THE CONTROL and i am just waiting to get into counseling again.I will never have another visit with her its what she did this last time around and too beat it all i saved her LIFE! and she admitted that,by bringing her to live upstairs and she thought she was gonna take over my APT.But no way i told her to get up too her Apt.if she did not like my cooking as nothing is grand enuff for her i really appreciate ur advice and will continue reading,i forgot as set n cried yesterday that i had an appt.You see this has went on all of my life and i did stay away for 6 months to almost a year at atime,then she would calll say she had only Bologna sandwhiches for a month ETC. and i knew i should have never fell into that so i am just trying so damn hard to get over since July this is a controlling person and she will never change,she n my Father were never married she told me and i told my sibling’s as i will not have another pass away b 4 they do not know it,2 left already and i was with them and she was no were in sight to at least say I LOVE YOU,they were saved b 4 their passing i was with them both esp the baby brother,i was at his bed with him he was like my son my child ,she would stay gone most of our young life,and i took care of the 3 younger and i was young myself so i had to look after them and grow up as well,honestly i want her out of my mind my life i would divorce her if i had the money,i am not sorry as i was the victim she might have been when she was younger but she really did a lot back then and grew up with her kids and knew about counseling but that was tabbooo for her,lol,so i do go to counseling an she even made fun of that i just do not want anything to do with i will pray 1 day she see’s the real situation here,i am just going thru so muchi could really write a book if i had som 1 to help me,even my cousin saiz the same thing but wants to wait tilll her mother<MY MOMTHERS SISTER PASSES AND I said heck no i would do it while they can read it but that is that with her and how she feels and i am more open minded,But ya see i made the mistake ,well maybe a reality check that no their would never b anything at all till DEATH do we part i will pray for her and try to get past all this pain as soon as i can just all of you PRAY for me i appreciate it.I will tell u alll more soon ,LOVE Dee M
You are still in a lot of pain Dee, even though you are gaining good insight into how toxic she is. Just remember if there were a toxic substance in your house, you would remove it, and keep it away. She is that.
Do pursue counseling, your pain can be eased and your sense of worth improved as you begin to understand on a much deeper level that this crap is not about you. You understand it on the surface, but still feel pressure, shame, or frustration with it. Once you get into it deeper some more relief is in store.
Nancy
i can relate to the abused child. i was abused as well. i dont think my mom wanted me because she cheated on my dad (whos been incarcerated since i was 2, im now 34) and come to find out, i was another man’s child. on top of that, my mom was abused as well and wasnt nutured. neither was my grandmother because her mom worked her entire childhood and she was only able to see her on the weekends for 18 years.
i lived wih my grandma because my mom had other goals in mind. they were the best years of my life. when i was 7, my mother wanted me back and this caused a strain in the relationship as i wanted to be with my grandma. my mother resented me for this and began abusing me. my grandma would report her to the police and this would make her hate us even more.
my mother finally snatched me away from my grandmother and the abuse got worse. not only that, i still had to raise my mothers children because she liked to run the streets and be with her boyfriend. from 7 to 14 i raised 2 of her kids. one day she and her boyfriend jumped me. my grandmother reported her to the police again and this time she stayed out of my life.
i became a teen mom shortly after. i didnt want a child, but it was my saving grace. i grew up having dysfunctional relationships with nearly everyone i meet. i am timid and afraid to stand up for myself at times because as a child my mother never had conversation with me that much and i was not allowed to show emotion. so now i am vunerable and angry and bitter all at the same time. i never did anything to my mother to make her not love me. i was the perfect daughter and model student. she was even more disappointed when i had the baby.
because of that neglect and unloving relationship with the most important person in my life, i used to find myself in relationships with people who never saw me worthy or valuable and who hurt me, abused me, misused me and really didnt care or like or love me. its like the abuse is second nature. i get used alot and kicked to the curb and ridiculed. i have no real friends and no family.
i love my daughter very much. her father does little and she is all i have. i made sure that she has the best of everything and i show her so much love and affection that i never had. i hug ad kiss her and everything revolves around her. i hve sacrificed my own happiness so that she can be happy and i dont mind.
she is 18 now and went to college recently and it seems that we are becoming distant. she doesnt realy talk to me much anymore and doesnt even listen to me it seems. she was also consorting with family (like my mother who has never been there for us) and others who do not like me that i have requested she not have contact with) she said she doesnt, but for some reason i was feeling like i couldnt trust her. well i ended up losing it because she was talking slick and condescendingly and thought she hung up in my face twice and wold not pick up when i called again, called her the B word several times and said i was embarrassed by her because of the school she goes to and her dialect (slang) and her choice of music (hiphop) and told her twice tht she ruined my life and i will just have to have additional kids who will love. i felt horrible for saying these things, but to an extent, after giving up my life for her and for her to abandon me like everyone else has aftering me placing them before myself, i felt that way. i am not embarrassed by her, but i definitely do not like the way she speaks at times. we have reconciled since and we always say i love u all day to one another everyday, but i wonder if things will change because of this. ad if im a bad mother or if my abusive past is the reason for my short/ill temper? i feel horrible. i keep crying because i love my baby and i dont want to hurt her but her atitude and assumed actions hurt me so i fired back.
now i wonder if she feels that i dont love her. she saysshe knows i didnt mean it, but i am so worried that what ive said has ruined our relationship and she is just not being honest. i dont want to be anything like my mother but i am afraid that i am becoming her. i am nothing like her, as i never abused my daughter and gave her the perfect childhood. my daughter is every moms dream. my two little sisters did not go to college and are both shacked up with their boyfriends just like my mom. i have never shacked up. i have always just tried to be the best mom i can be. i have noticed that i have been a little verbally abusive as of late and sometimes i was just depressed and have never seemd to be able to “bring it all together”, but i still work on having the perfect life for myself and my daughter.
thank you for this blog. i have felt so alone. i am so glad that there are others who understand what ive been through. am i a bad mom for yelling at my daughter or going overboard (cussing and “you ruined my life”) when she upsets me? she actually saved my life and though she did not ask to be here, i took on the role as mommy and put her first. i just want her to realize this and give me the same priority in her life, otherwise, what was it all for? she didnt ruin my life, i chose for her to be here, but i made so many sacrifices and its like she is oblivious and only thinks of herself and i have never seen my child be like this. she says im just paranoid because she is growing up and im having difficulty dealing. maybe so. wat do u think?
No, you’re only a bad mother if you’re not considering, or even willing to try to consider, how hurtful that outburst could be and you’re not willing to apologise, and you clearly are. You are a very good mother. This was a one-off and you were rightfully angry because she was very rude, and I would be scared too if my daughter was contacting the family that hated me. She sounds like she’s getting ‘new experiences’ and trying to get new perspectives on things and when offspring become ‘independent’ they get annoying and embarrassing. Mind you, if she’s being truly selfish, rudely demanding and unappreciative, it may be time for her to move out if she lives with you. Even if it’s only a few days a week on-campus, you both get some space from each other. She might find herself agreeing with you more if she can’t take you for granted everyday.
First of all, it is common for kids to separate from their mothers as they age and more so after going away to school. Secondly, I think you might benefit from some counseling. You have good understanding of your childhood on an intellectual level, but might still benefit from some emotional processing of your past.
You talk about sacrificing your life for your daughter and now she resents you. Well, parents do give up a lot for the kids. This is normal and acceptable. Although sometimes we go overboard when we had childhoods that were awful.
You cannot control what you daughter does and would be best to let her find her way. If she connects with the family she will eventually learn of their nature. You cannot protect her from that, and you can tell your side of the story if she asks. But you seem to be trying to restrict who she sees and interacts with. They did you wrong, she will have to discover it for her self unless she asks you then you can calmly tell her your experience . But to try to control her interactions based on your experience will not work. She will only see y ou as over controlling her.
You need a place to debrief safely without upsetting your daughter and to get more clarity on your feelings, and perhaps on communication with her. Also I think your observation of feeling depressed is valid. Your daughter has left home, after 18 years of being at the center of your life. This is a sudden, major change in your life, so a vacuum would be expected. Talking about this with your physician or a counselor again should be helpful. There are meds for depression, it is a chemical thing and can be treated and there is no shame in that.
My mother tried to control my life to the extent that i divorced them, did not get in contact for 10 years, because it was my life to live. It took that for her to understand. You already have some understanding but as I said, I think there is a lot to learn about what is going on for you.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing, it is a painful time for you right now.
Nancy,
I was born “out-of-wedlock” and was the reason my mother married my father and became entrapped in a life of children she didn’t want and financial struggle. It took me 40 years to realize why she didn’t like me although she did tell me she loved me from time to time. My relationship with her was always cool and strained until her last years when she really started to NEED me and appreciate me being there for her. Anyway, that’s my story. Right now I am more concerned about my grandson’s life. He is only three and his highly ambitious career- minded mother has never bonded with him. She admits she doesn’t like him and rages at him for the smallest thing. I watch him cringe in the corner and my heart breaks. I don’t think there is physical abuse, but the damage is being done as I write. He goes to daycare …even when she is home…and she makes an effort to escape from him as much as possible. I think she just doesn’t like or understand children for one thing. She even made comments at church that she didn’t like being with her son and now the other toddlers’ mothers avoid her.
I have made it my life’s work to be there for my little grandson and will do all I can to fill the void while at the same time trying to help her understand her feelings. My son is not much help either as he is selfish and self-absorbed and very defensive if I question the situation. He does interact more with my grandson though…hugging and touching..playing. I think they’ve decided to have no more children which, sadly, is probably for the best.
I wasn’t the perfect mother either and agree with the posters that mothers who feel trapped do no one any favors by staying trapped. If at all possible, they do need to get out and have outside interests. Being a mother is not easy. So I do understand frustration and even the feeling of not liking your child, but you have to really work on those feelings because children are very intuitive and know when they are not wanted. That knowledge haunts them forever. Talking about it really does help, even if you don’t find a lot of sympathy. Verbal and physical abuse is never justified. That’s the bottom line. GET HELP.
You sound like a brilliant grandmother. While you sound very unhappy about what’s happening with your grandson, you sound much more concerned about looking after him than about judging your son and daughter-in-law, which means your heart is in the right place. I wish you, and him, the best. I also wish good things for your son and daughter-in-law too, but it sounds like you and your grandson will be the ones working hard to live full and happy lives and get far beyond these current problems. I mean it: when he gets older, he’ll have to learn that he can’t ‘make’ his parents happy and that he’ll have to motivate himself even more- because anything he achieves, he will have to achieve for himself and for you. He will also have to make decisions about his life earlier, and sometimes you can only support him and help him through it if he made the wrong choice, especially if his parents can’t give him sympathy or practical advice. Good luck!
You plan for your grandson is the single most important thing to be done for him. He needs an enlightened witness who feeds back to him that he is ok, that you love him, and want to spend time with him/
Here is a link to Alice Miller PHD a swill psychiatrist who is world renown expert in childhood issues including the lack of bonding. http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php
Please consider reading her material, especially the concept of Enlightened Witness the link below will provide an overview.
http://www.nospank.net/miller21.htm
Has your daughter considered counseling, or giving him up if she dislikes him so much? I know it is a terrible thing to suggest, but he will experience harm either way. Your role should help him a great deal. It makes me so sad to hear this, I too was an unwanted child and my mothers punching bag. She never told me she loved me but on her death bed said she was so sorry. I too was able to be there for her in her dying, but felt obligation, not love .
You know what i hate,i hate mothers who do this to thier children but then go online and say how stupid it was to make this website that is what scares me.
I have suffered being less loved by my sister in our messed up family.My mom once threw me out of out car and ripped my shirt.you do not know what it is like until it has happened to you.so all you abusive mothers out there,…GET SOME HELP!!!
If I think back to being 11, I relied on my mum a lot. This poor girl could read that article and realize that her mother doesn’t love her. I can’t even begin to imagine how Catherine would feel then. Clearly this woman is in desperate need of help, and to say that she loves her other child so much is just terrible. I don’t think, in all honesty there is anything worse than a mother not loving her child. I also feel terrible for women out there who can’t have children and are desperate for them, just imagine how sick they must feel reading that. She obviously has PPD and she should have gotten help for it as soon as Catherine was born. The very least she could have done was found Catherine adoptive parents who would have given her the attention and love she and any child needs.
I agree Pauline about not being wanted, or loved less by either parent. I was rejected by both parents, and left to languish at the hand of my very abusive mother.
My choices were to stay stuck in the deep vacuum of despair, or to try to make a life. I opted to try to make a life, and have found reasonable peace. It is not easy but it is better than living one’s life in total despair bereft of love or caring.
Truly this kind of rejection leaves a hole in one’s soul, but finding ways to reach out for companionship, understanding and love can restore sanity and calm to one’s life.
Counseling was one thing that helped me to face the reality of those losses but more importantly, it helped me understand the losses were not about me, but about those who brought me into this world.
Nancy
One of the odder things about love is how it can be so conditional. I think when I was young, Mom loved me, but I turned out to be defective. I was diagnosed with ADD in second grade, and by that time I’d pretty much given up on being treated reasonably by other kids. I admit, I took a lot of my frustrations out on my brother. (only a few physical incidents though, and never any permanent damage.) The problem with that was that he was the baby, and the one who looked most like Mom’s side of the family.
I’ve never been physically abused, and I’m still living at home. But I’ve never believed mom loves me, and I still believe that my mother wouldn’t notice if I were gone from her life. My father is the parent I identify with, and he’s always been loving.
I can’t help but feel for both the mother + daughter in this situation, I must say myself that I am in much th same situation, I was told I couldn’t have children but wasn’t terribly upset because I had never been of th maternal type + always saw myself just being a career woman with friends but no family. I found out that I was 27 weeks pregnant, I had th smallest bump in th history of th world + as had been rather over weight + suffered with irritable bowel syndrome for most of my formative years I figured I was just bloated (I really was that small) the problem with this is that by then I had had any choice taken away from me, I had to give birth, which was relatively quick but I still over 6 weeks later feel nothing towards my son, I am looking after him don’t get me wrong, but I feel like the decision was taken out of my hands + on that alone feel like I have been cheated, I know this should be some amazing experience, and I should be thankful that I have miraculously had this child but I pray that I feel something other than regret + upset everyday that my life has changed beyond my control + that I cannot do anything about it. I wish so much to th core of my being that I love this baby + that everything would be okay but I still don’t feel any different from the day I found out I was pregnant, absolute dread + utter complete uncontrollable despair. I know the way this woman + probably I have written our woes for the world to view is seen as irresponsible + selfish but as you can imagine you can’t just turn to your friends and family and say ‘hey you know this child that you all love, cherish + adore, I don’t feel anything for, worse still I don’t even really like them’. I must admit I spoke to my mum about it when I found out and she said don’t worry when its born you’ll feel different + everyone says this + I prayed and prayed that she was right, but still I feel nothing but remorse and resentment + I hate that I feel this way, I wish I felt different but I just don’t and the worst bit is I’m now stuck between a rock + a hard place because my parents are absolutely in love with their grandchild and it would kill them if I were to put him up for adoption, but I (whilst still caring for him enough to make sure he is fed + watered and looked after in the ways that he needs because I am not a cruel person) cannot keep waking up every day in a freeze frame of absolute misery for the next 20 years. I have tried counselling + doctors etc but they all just say give it time, however in the meantime I wonder if it might just be better to leave him with my grandparents + walk away forever, he might wonder what had happened but no doubt my parents could tell him whatever they thought was appropriate + I know that he would get the best love + care with them, I see in my mother + fathers eyes a love for him so deep + strong and it makes me want to die that I just can’t seem to give him that no matter how hard I try.
I know its hard not to judge people but please understand that this woman has helped me to realise that I am not the only person ever to have felt like this + although it may come across as crueL it has taken me ever so slightly out of the lonely and ever so painful existence I now survive in.
http://www.naturalchild.org/alice_miller/witness.html
I think the first thing to say, is are you sure you spent enough time in counseling to know you cannot or will not bond and love this child?
If so then what can your parents realistically do in terms of taking him, raising him, educating him? are they well enough, do they have the resources, can you help with the expenses related to their caring for him?
All is not lost, if you can put enough love and security in tihs childs life regardless of the source. The reality is over time this child will learn of your ambivalence toward him, and it will have a negative impact, but with proper handling it can be mediated to some degree. Abandonment entirely is a life long injury to children.
I guess I would talk with your mom honestly, and perhaps with the help of your counselor, about your desire to let him go. Your parents may not have the energy or health to deal with raising him for 20+ years, and their financial situation may or may not be able to support advanced education. Every child in this day and age will need many skills to survive the future and the many trials and tribulations a more complex than ever future holds.
Good luck to you, and I hope you can find a way to put him in the most secure, loving situation possible without abandoning him entirely
@semolina – I really sympathise with you. I chose to have kids, but I didn’t feel a great deal for mine for quite a long time. Especially the first one – I don’t think I would call what I felt for him love or bonding or anything until he was… I don’t know, at least 6 months old, maybe a year? I rather resented the whole “You’ll feel different when they’re born” thing. I did feel different eventually, but I don’t find babies very lovable, and if I were in your position, I’d imagine I’d feel just the same as you.
My 2 cent’s worth of advice is to look seriously at what your options are and to take the time to make a real decision for yourself – so you don’t feel that you’ve been railroaded forever. And remember that there are plenty of people who don’t like or even love babies who do end up rather liking and completely loving their older kids. You might be one of those people, or you might be better off looking for other care options. I just wanted to say that it’s not so uncommon not to love a 6 week old baby, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you never will. Still, this needs to be your choice, or you’ll completely reasonably feel resentful.
I’ll add my good luck wishes.
Funny, but for the first time I went to look up sites to hear possibly of other adults who weren’t loved as children and entered here first. Ironic considering Blue Milk’s comment above.
I’ll move on but I just need to leave this comment that the anguish does not end with the mother’s disdain. If she has a strong personality, it permeates the house and father/siblings know that it’s in their best interest to separate themselves from that child. The pain, embarrassment, and panic in that child is excruciating, but there is nowhere to go so they must live in that day after day after day…
If she has a strong personality, it permeates the house and father/siblings know that it’s in their best interest to separate themselves from that child. The pain, embarrassment, and panic in that child is excruciating, but there is nowhere to go so they must live in that day after day after day…
Joane’s comments above are so very insightful, and so true in my household. Many mothers are so very domineering, trying to control the “impressions” others have of the family, and it is a cardinal sin to let any of the “toxic secrets” out of the inner circle. So despite your pain, you play the game.
I think it is great when people recognize they do not want children and that they use birth control for prevention. It is an excellant start but since it is not 100%, and you are 100% sure you do not want kids, then using a second method does improve prevention.
I do not believe in abortion for myself, I offer no judgement for those who feel the need for it. I do abhor those who use no birth control then seek repeated abortions for unwanted pregnancies.
Late term abortions are ugly, you have to cut the baby’s spinal cord to kill it before you deliver it. It is my hope that people would opt for abortion early on, and not put a growing feeling fetus through a late term procedure.
Above all, it is important to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Planned parenthood can help with that, and have programs based on ability to pay.
if you don’t love your kids, do them a favor and find somebody who does love them.
i was raised by parents who resented me every minute of every day. i no longer have any contact with my parent because i chose to walk away from people who did not love me. it is sad because it seems as so many people cannot understand my decision. i always hear …”but they are your parents and they LOVE you, why don’t you go see them?” and nobody understands me when I say that they don’t love me. I don’t think people who were raised by parents who loved them can comprehend that there are parents out there who resent there children.
so please, if you find yourself not loving your child, be a decent human being and give them to somebody who has the ability to love somebody else….
Ginger, it is hard for others to understand that some parents do love their children or actually resent them. My mother was well known and well liked in our community, but hated me ferosiously. (sp) It stymied others to think I was alienated from such a “lovely person” ,
I just had to hunker down and make my own way, let the chips fall where they did. When people continued to ask, I just said it is something you cannot understand and i don’t plan to discuss it any further. It alienated a few but it created a healthy boundary for me. “I am not going to discuss this with anyone.” It is your experience, you own it, and you do not owe anyone else and explanation. Often if the mother has many friends they don’t believe you anyway so it is wasted effort. So I did not bother to explain.
I agree if you do not love your kids, you need help, either to find someone who will or to determine what your issues are that you cannot bond. The child will never recover from the core injury of rejection so it is best not to have kids to start with.
Nancy
Elaine, you are generous with your love for your mother despite her treatment of you. I never loved my mother, as her feelings toward me were quite clear, right from the start. I just hunkered down and told my self eventually I will have a life of my own. Damaged as it is, it is much better than the life i had at home.
I finally chose to stay away from the family and its events, because it was supporting a lie, and I could not bring my self to go and make nice for appearances sakes. I am glad you have a mother in law who loves you dearly and who you can love as well. Mother substitiutes are wonderful options, and can help with the hole in our souls.
Mother’s day holds no emotion for me at all, my mother died 20 yrs ago now, and Ido not even miss her. Strange I guess but her passing was a relief to me.
I am the eldest of 3 children mommy dearest bore. All three of us have different dads. However I am the only outcast, and my son is treated like shit also, I assume it’s simply because he is my son. I was also an emancipated minor at
15, and to date have not spoken with my mother in nearly 3 years, tho and I drive by her home 5 days a week.
I endured years upon years of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. I found the emotional and verbal abuse takes the longest to heal from, if you ever truly heal. For me walking away from them was the best choice. This was the fifth time I cut ties, and they somehow continued to pull me back in.
My son gave me the strength to walk away permanantly when he began to ask questions I could not give an answer too. When a child sees it, and questions it…what can you do? I refuse to let the darkness that consumed my own childhood tarnish his own.
I learned what kind of mother NOT to be from the witch that gave birth to me. I do the exact opposite of what she did and my child is rarely without a smile, and very open with affection.
I still hurt, and still wake myself up in the middle of the night crying, I still question why, a wonder what I did, or could have done differently, but I am learning to live with the past. And I have finally realized that it is her that lost out, not me.
Those of you who feel you never want to have children. Thank you for realizing that, and not bringing the same misery to someone else that you had to endure yourself.
“Life is like riding a bicycle, you must maintain balance in order to keep moving forward” – Albert Einstein
Karen, I understand so well what you have described. I was the oldest, the only one alienated, and got pulled back a couple times. The last time I left, when they tried to pull me back again, I said on my terms only.
It was a tentative peace, but i did not have them trying to control my life anymore.
I don;t think the core wounding by not being wanted by a parent ever goes away, even as we begin to understand it. It is something we deserved, had a right too, and to be denied the love of a parent is very hard to deal with.
Congratulations on raising a healthy loving son. You are to be admired for your spunk and commitment to your son. Stay the course, you have a right to be here and to live a happy life
nancy
Nancy,
Thank you for the reply. I admire you for being able to even have communication with those who hurt you. I don’t have the strength to deal with them. The only way to have a relationship with my family is to take the responsibility and blame for all the wrongs. The burden is far to heavy and I refuse too do it.
You are right though, the wounding never goes away. But thank God for the family you can chose (Friends) that help you through those rough days and holidays. I have two ‘moms’ that adopted both me and my son as family. And knowing I am not the only one does make me feel little less like a inhuman freak.
I sincerely hope everyone who’s ever gone through this kind of torment can find peace in their lives. It’s rough as hell but we are not to blame for our mothers dysfunction.
And bless you for being you Nancy! 🙂
I’ve been looking for a site such as this. It’s really heartbreaking how many people have gone through the same experiences. What baffles me is the secret behind it. It’s almost taboo to say I know my mother hates me. People always say that’s not so. She loves you. She just shows it differently.
Way different. What I write here is only in the hopes that others read it and see that they are not alone. That in the middle of the night when they have had a revelation and look for an answer they see they are not the problem.
My mother has told me she hates me on many occasions. When I was little she would hit me for no reason. Look at me in disgust and call me ugly. As I grew into a teenager she would hit me even harder. She would pride herself in the bruises she left me. She gave me black eyes, spit in my face and other horrible things that I won’t mention here. She reminded me that abortion was not legal when I was born. She has told me she should have used a hanger.
When I was old enough to leave home I left.
I am now a 28 year old woman and to this day Anyone that is friendly with me she tries to alienate. She has called my friends. She once called my landlord and told them I was a call girl so they could evict me.
She called the guy I lived with and told him I had been in a mental institution. All these things are untrue.
I think the most horrible thing she ever did was throw out all my baby/childhood photos …..who does that?
For a long time I really tried to please her. I tried everything. Nothing ever worked. This August will be 5 years that I have not spoken to her. I changed my number and to be honest I do not miss her and her behavior.
She still contacts me through various channels but she gets no response.
I hate to admit this but I do hate her. I hate her because to this day in some weird kind of way she still controls my emotions. Very few people maybe only the ones here know what I’m talking about. I just hate that when I think of everything I still cannot overcome the hurt I feel.
I do not have children, but I know that if I was to have some I would be a loving caring mother. I have dogs and I love my dogs more than my mother ever loved me.
Angela,
I do understand, I think we all do. To be honest I hated my mother for a long time. A year or so ago a good friend told me that by hating my mother I was still letting her control my emotions. I’m learning to let go of the hate, but I have to admit she does disgust me and I strive to be the mother she never was or could be. You don’t have to earn your mothers love, or anyone elses for that matter.
The idea a mother could possibly hate their child is mind boggling to be sure, I still get the damn “I’m sure she did her best” or “She’s your mother, she loves you!” comments. It’s laughable, and she is a chameleon in front of the public. I actually went to see a counselor years ago, and was shocked with the advice I was given. He flat out told me for my mental and emotional health I should break contact for good with my mother. Me being me, I didn’t listen and let her poison my life again. I respect you for having the courage to make that decision earlier in life than I did, and sticking with it. She might hate you, but God does not.
Keep on doing what your doing, stay strong, and believe in yourself.
Good point, Karen. By continuing to hate, we are being controlled to some extent. It is freeing to let go of the hate and to cease the relationship.
I did that with great success, lasting 10 years. When she could no longer brag about me to others, (loved the term chameleon, ) then she was in great distress. She did not find me for 10 years. When she did, I said, my terms or nothing.
We had an uneasy relationship but no controlling issues up until she died. Her dying breath was, ” I am so sorry”. Pffsst!!! what the hell was that??
Angela, you c an never please her, she get her perverse pleasure for disrupting your life. So refusing to be in her life is the most healthy thing you can do for yourself.
She is a very angry person who took it out on a vulnerable child. Once you own your own power and do not let her in your life, you are being healthy and doing the best for yourself.
It is an interesting question, where does the lack of mother love arise? What in their lives led them to hate their children? It is in appropriate for others to tell you she loves you, it is so unacceptable that she does not, that they feel they must fix it. (my belief). My mother’s sister used to joke about my mother beating me, she did not love her daughter either. But was crazy about her son.
Nancy,
You know I’ve wondered about whether or not my mother would even consider apologizing on her death bed. I highly doubt it though. The witch will probably outlive me!!
Karen, I think the only reason my mom did, was because I put everything aside and took care of her when she was dying. Maybe pangs of guilt?
Nancy
I am so sad when i think about her (d)
I am 24 years old and a mother mysrlf now. my mother tried left me wheni was 2 after physically hurting me. I found her when i was 18 after my dad had just died i guess i neede her, She was pure evil. she told me she never wanted me she said i was ugly,fat stupid that she didnt love me
Probably, but kudo’s to you for taking care of her when she was sick. I don’t know if I could do the same. I am the eldest of the three children. My sister is far to much like mommy dearest, she only loves someone when it is convenient, and my brother is so very young and just starting to live his own life, I doubt either of them will want the task. I wish I could say I am forgiving enough to step forward, but I just don’t know that I would or that I would even want too when faced with it. To be honest I have been seriously considering leaving town to ensure we never cross paths again.
What are the factors in mothers hating their daughters, or not loving them?
What moves their dislike to abuse? Are they always abusive or sometimes less abusive? Does this cause conflict in the daughter? Are there triggers for violence or physical abuse?
When a mother fails to love a daughter, she abuses them emotionally, physically, often medical neglect is involved, intellectually, fails to create safety and self esteem. It is not simply withholding love, or failure to bond.
I wonder what occured in their lives that led them to abuse their daughters/children?
In my mother’s case, her mom died when she was 9, she was passed from foster home to foster home, many of them abusive. She often did not have adequate clothes to wear to school, so quit at the end of her junior year.
Her mother died of heart disease at the age of 32. She married 4 times, divorced three, but her last marriage was an unhappy one later in life. She lost a son to a rare lung ailment. She was well known and well liked in the community, worked in an upscale dress shop, later a local hardware store. She had a younger sister (by 2 years) who also failed to bond with her daughter.
So, lets have some discussion, what was your mom’s life like, what ideas do we have about why she did not like us, love us, or bond with us? Understand, this is not about you, you were born a vulnerable child, and deserved to be loved, this stuff is not our fault.
Nancy
She had fits of rage, generally untriggered, often surprising me with a beating. My guess is she was mad about something else, and I was a handy punching bag.
My mother was an adoptee. I grew up hearing how her mother tossed her out and didn’t want her. Later in life she paid a investigator to locate her biological mother. She has spoken with her, and received a very cold welcome, and denial of any connection, however she maintains contact with a cousin now. Apparently her biological mother is very cold towards her two sons, and favors the only daughter. Perhaps it’s a genetic disorder, dis-attachment of some sort.
As for how she was raised, her father was a well loved optometrist in the community, he and his wife were very active in a lot of different community things….typical 50’s &60’s ‘keeping up with the Jone’s’ type of lifestyle. She went without nothing. Her adoptive father was a very very loving man, his wife was a ‘tough love’ type of mother. Both drank heavily.
The other factor with my mother/siblings is that we each have different fathers.
Wow, Karen, multigenerational. By the way, I forgot to mention, my two brothers and I each had different fathers
Nancy,
Ahh, makes the dynamic a tad more interesting does it not? Did you find yourself making comparisons to see where you measured up? Just curious, what are the age ranges? I am the eldest at 38, my sister is 26, my brother 20. My brother and sister grew up together, so they are close.
On a side note I found a funny tshirt today (I express myself through tshirts) It says “If you knew my family you would understand” LOL
Honestly just knowing that I am NOT some dysfunctional, unworthy freak, and that HER burdens do not have to be my own…. has really helped.
I was the oldest, am now 69, the middle was the boy who died at age 20 of a lung disorder, and the youngest is now 61, and grows pot for a living lol……………If you knew my family, you would understand, I love it
For years I have struggled with the knowledge that I was not loved by my parents. They did their duty by me, because of maintaining an image but behind closed doors they were tough and not demonstrative and very critical and abusive.
In my mid 20’s I asked myself the question: why should I forgive them anything… the answer was, because I’m their daughter, and I can’t help loving them – it’s natural.
And so it went on for years.
But now… I realise that … they are not respectful or considerate towards me. I recently went through some very difficult life changes, and I really thought things had changed. But… instead they kicked me when I was down. When things started going well, there was little enthusiasm.
Meanwhile the contrast with my brothers is unbelievable.
I can’t help loving them, and honouring them is important for me as at least I owe them my life and education. But they have done nothing to earn my respect, admiration or confidence as an adult. Nothing. They seem to take, demand and expect but not give that.
Their history is tragic in individual ways, but as an adult, I did take it upon myself to challenge things so that come my own family, I would at least be self-aware and not cause the same damage. I cannot judge them – I haven’t walked in their shoes – but they do ruin my peace of mind, so it’s best to let it be.
Realising this has been the most difficult thing in my life – and if it wasn’t for lovely friends and an amazing, loving partner, I would never have learned how love really works.
Thanks for this space – it’s a healing one.
Hi everyone!,
I was shocked to have stumbled onto this topic, wow, I had no idea so many people went through the experience of growing up with a mother who failed to love them(for whatever reason). It makes me really sad to read about the extent of verbal, physical and mental abuse that some have endured. However, at the same time, I admire their strength of character and how they’ve grown up into loving people despite never knowing love from their parents!
My mum was verbally and mentally abusive towards me thoroughout my childhood and even now (I’m 33) she still likes to swing unkind and unfair comments at me every now and again.I have a brother, whom she absolutely worships. My brother got all the love and I got all the abuse, basically.I too, tried to please her and win her love but in my early 20s it finally cliked that nothing I do or say will make her love me. When I was young I used to think I must be unloveable because all mothers love their kids(apparently, I was led to believe) and mum didn’t love me so it must be because I was a bad person. It took me well into my 20s to know(to really understand) that I was an ok person and it wasn’t my fault if my mum couldn’t love me. I stopped all contact with mum for a few years but that really didn’t solve anything (from my experience) so now we are on speaking terms but I make sure we don’t spend more than a few hours together. I never go to her place but she comes to mine as I find she is less likely to become abusive towards me under my roof. I try to focus on other parts of my life – friends, work and interests. So far so good.
I also started being a better friend to my friends, generous to strangers and I reguarly give money to charities. I now feel less bothered by my abusive childhood and hate my mum less.
Calliana,
I applaud you on finding a ‘theraputic’ means to handling the abuse, and dealing with your mother. I do not think I have it in me to be so generous with mine, I’ve tried to many times in the past and was always me that did the bending.
My mother has never come to my house, and unfortunately having been out of the house since the age of 15 my siblings and I have no relationship either.
Just curious what kind of relationship do you have with your brother?
hi karen,
Thank you for your kind comments. I’ve just accepted that I can’t make her love me or care fo me in the way that she is with my brother so there is no point in trying to somehow change her mind about me. Realizing this fact has given me more head space for other things in my life. I didn’t intend to be ‘generous’ to my mum, I was simply being more gentle with myself by taking the weight of trying to ‘fix’ my relationship with my mum off my shoulders. Stop torturing myself by thinking about the past and put my mind towards people who did care and appreciate me instead.
For me I felt it was best to stay in contact with mum but maybe for others it’s best to cut all ties or at least for a while.
I have a decent relationship with my brother – he doesn’t really get involved. Do you think it would help if you have some contact with your siblings?
Calliana,
That’s great you and your brother have a good relationship. I have to admit I am envious of that. I was 12 when my mother discovered she was pregnant with my sister. I was the “live in babysitter” but did not mind, I wanted a sibling and I doted on her. My brother came along when I was 18, however I was not in the household at the time, and he was two years old before I met him.
My sister is now 26, has a two year old son that I regret not knowing beyond the first six months after he was born. My sister is very much like my mother, high maintenance emotionally. And mother seems to believe she can do very little wrong. She’s gotten into trouble with the law twice, once for false bomb threat when she was going to high school. Second was just last year, she got a felony drug embezzlement charge for stealing Vanex for her son’s father effectively ruining the career she had as a pharmacist tech.
My brother is 20, and seems to be very settled and doing well. I miss him, he’s most like me. He grew up without me in the house, or really even as a active member of the family. We always had a easy going interaction though. He’s a country boy, and soft hearted, I’m proud of him, just am unable to have relationship with him. He’s a momma’s boy, the only boy, and the only child of his fathers.
The other factor is this…my mother and father split before I was born, divorced by the time I was a year old. He has been living out of state all my life, we have a good relationship now, but growing up he kept his distance. To be honest I was kinda pissed at him most of my life. But sometimes things are out of our control.
Whew….never meant to get into all that but I kinda feel better now so I think I will leave it….
To my sisters of the wounded heart……I salute you!!
May God bless our paths with sunshine and butterflies.
I think managing a non-loving mother may be highly individualized. If you can realize her behaviour is not about you, you may be able to stay in touch and limit exposure.
Others may have to cut her out of your life completely in order to find peace. We all deserve peace with this issue, that we have unloving mothers is not our fault.
As for sibilings, as long as they can stay neutral and not try a guilt trip on you, and as long as you do not try to put them in the middle, I think it can be supportive to stay in touch with family. For me, my cousin is more like a sibiling and I find a great deal of support from him with out discussing my mother.
My mother was well liked by the cousins, and she was very good to them. I do not damage his relationship or memory of her, by bringing him into the drama of my life growing up. Once in a while his wife will ask a question of my or one of my friends, and I answer simply and truthfully, without anger. Simple truths work well without intense anger when answering their questions. But I do not volunteer.
nancy
I forgot to mention how impressed I am with Shelly, who had the guts to admit her feelings or the lack of it towards her daughter-Catherine. Although, I’m not sure going to the papers was wise as her daughter could easily come across the article – not to mention their friends and family.
Nevertheless, I thank her for doing this as it has made me realized that if a mum could chose to have a loving bond with their child then I’m sure a massive majority would. Unfortunately they can’t chose and this is no one’s fault. Looking at the responses to the topic has been very therapeutic. It’s encouraging that Shelly wants to feel the love for catherine maybe in the future they will have a good friendship if not a full on mother/daughter bond. Good luck!
I was never physically abused by my mother or dad. However, I can remember only twice in my life my mom ever telling me she loved me. Once was just a few hours before she died—she at first asked for my brother–and that hurt, of course, because I never left her side in all the many, many years of her illnesses. I hurt my sister because I always put my mom first and they were always having trouble. I told my mom once before she died how she didn’t love my sister or me, and that made her very upset. Maybe she did, but she could never show it. My brother was always the one she doted on. I was brought up with an iron hand by my mom. She told me once that if her daughter ever got pregnant they would be shipped off to Chicago to a place for unwed mothers and would give up the child. That put the fear of God into me.
You have to tell kids you love them–you have to hold children and cuddle them and do things with them. Being a good mother isn’t just feeding you and telling you to go outside and get out of the way. I was used as a sounding board while she berated my dad.
Children brought up by cold and bitter mothers usually have screwed up kids.
This is exactly like my life. See my note below.
I can’t believe how similar our experiences are!
You are very sweet and I love what you wrote about giving your child hugs. Wow, that is so powerful! This is truth!
Bravo! Good job!
You have to give all the love in your heart to your children. Not for what they can give you. Never so you get something back. But simply because they are deserving and because they are your own flesh and blood.
Celebrate their lives. Do things with them like charitable work so they can relate to the needs of others. Reward them for laughter, for achievement, for just being alive. Do fun things with them on their level.
Pay attention to what they say.
This will bring them joy and confidence.
When you are old, you will be so glad because your children will genuinely love you. My adult daughter loves me from her heart. She still calls me mommy and it makes me feel so good.
But I had to go through a lot of pain with my own mother to understand her needs. I did a lot of counseling along the way.
I would do it all again to spare her the pain I went through. Because she is the most important person in my life and I want her to know that. And to know I support her journey and celebrate her life without condition.
Hello Erin,
Each person who post here has my sympathy for the emotional wounds we’ve had to nurse all our lives. I also have the utmost respect for the simple fact everyone has come forward to talk about it. I think it’s important to get it out, and release yourself of the burden and ‘responsiblity’ we all have.
Sadly your right, alot of children brought up by cold mothers do have screwed up kids. I’m glad to say I’m NOT one of those. I often joke about it but I truly think I will one day have one final conversation with my mother, at least long enough to thank her….she taught me what kind of mother/woman I NEVER want to be. With that in mind I have always, always poured affection on my son. I never ever want him to look back on his childhood with regrets, or questions about his place in my heart.
I do not attend church and do not practice any specific religion but I do know that God has played a HUGE role in my life and in keeping my humanity intact. I also realize it is because I refused to inflict that kind of emotional punishment on a innocent child. I am BETTER than my mother at least on that level.
You can always just drop her a note.
Nancy
I have two children and I can’t cope
when I got pregnant I was happy had a boyfriend who was forever telling me he would be proud to have me as the mother of his children when I went to give birth I had an epidural and it went wrong, the anaesthetic went to my head not down my spine, the punctured a hole in my spinal cord that resulted in epidural headaches, I had the headaches for 2 weeks after giving birth I could do nothing for my new baby, I constant migraine all day every day.
I really wanted to be a good mum I thought I could do it I mean everyone hate’s other peoples children but loves there own right? … well I guess not when I was well enough to cope on my own my boyfriend went back to work and I was left with a baby I did not know, he cried and cried all day I hated him, the only time it stopped was when his dad came home, I hated this more he was my baby I gave birth to him I should be the one who can calm him, the hate for my son grew my boyfriend would never let me do night feed or change his nappie (wow what a great man I hear you all say) the reason being because I got sleepy he he thought I would not hear the baby to help him or I would fall asleep and hurt him
then when my son was 5mth my boyfriend left me and I went down hill, I did not want to hold the baby all I did was cry and shout when I looked at this carbon copy of my ex, my heat was broken and I was branded ” another single mum” my mum was great she took care of my son as she was also his registered child-minder but she did not understand that I was heart broken and when I got upset and started to rant about how much I hated my ex she would jump in and defend him say how lovely he was and kind and blah blah,
I wanted my mum to hold me and tell me it would be ok.
when I went to work I just wanted to kill myself everyone asking about my lovely baby boy and saying how they can still never see me being a mum .. this hurt what was wrong with me I wanted to be a great mum but every time I looked at my son I hated him I could not hold him or kiss him my doctor told me it was post-natal depression and put me on tablets they did not help I was living with my mum who was super mum the world best child minder yadda yadda.
everything I did was wrong and not “PC”
I moved out of my mums and silly me fell pregnant again but I truly believed I could do it right this time it was me and my children in our own home my rules no one telling me what to do, no mum shouting at me in front of my child … I knew I could do it. a few moths into my pregnancy I lost my job so I had to give up my bungalow and moved back into my mums, this time I lived in the living room, I had no space for me and my belongings, I felt in the way my son had the small room upstairs next to my parent and my sister was in the big room me and my son used to share, again it started when my son woke up I went to see what was up but my mum was already there she said she was doing it to help me and I guess she was but it made me feel like I could not do it myself, she was in charge again.
after I had my daughter I knew I treated her different but I believed that is was just me and her I did not need my son he did not need me he had my mum and his dad my daughter just had me things got worse children growning up me needing my own space, feeling usless knowing I could not do this any more my children would be beter off without me they would have real love not a nasty usless mum like me
so I left them I left my son with his dad and my daughter with my mum, I said she would be best adopted out so she would be looked after properly, but instead they went for parental controls, I was away for 2 years and I felt no better I tried to commit suicide I was put in the mental health hospital and they asked to contact my parent’s I said I am 31 and I don’t want you too but they needed some contact details I was there 3 weeks before they got my parents down to collect me, I did not was not come back and now I am here 32 back at my parents seeing the children I can’t cope with I did try to do the best for them and now I have be brought back into there lives and I still can not cope I have tired but I just can’t do it and now I have a 20year old T**T of a boy (my sisters boyfriend) telling me off when I am twittering about my children telling me to go if i am not happy, now tell me I want to go I did not want to come back and ruin my children’s lives but I been brought back and now some kid! is telling me to go again and if I do I brake my children’s hearts AGAIN but if I stay I am killing myself and upsetting everyone with the way I am crying shouting moody … I am still on the tablets Venlafaxine, for severe depression I just don’t know how to cope I want the children to be happy but I know they cant with me about
Are there any websites for any mental health organisations in your area? At the very least, it sounds like calling a hotline would be a good idea. I don’t think you’re crazy, you need someone to talk to who also knows of services that are available to you. You definitely don’t want this to remain as it is, yet it sounds like if you leave, you don’t know where you want to go and how often you see your children afterwards if you’re not raising them. Many phone counsellors don’t care about judging people, they only want to give constructive advice and help you make a first step.
Also, your sister’s boyfriend may be making nasty comments like that because he either feels ultra-protective of the kids and is misguidedly trying to provoke you into doing something about the situation instead of nastily twittering about the children. (I’m really sorry if that’s incorrect and hurtful, I only assumed ‘nastily’ because people don’t go off at mothers who say nice things about their children online. If you’re merely saying you need help and you’re frustrated, he is being entirely unreasonable) If you’ve been unintentionally cruel to other family members, he might have merely had enough of trying to comfort them and may be blowing off steam himself. Or he’s had a mother who was intentionally abusive and is over-reacting. Or he really could just be a ****. At the very least, try to get some space from him because he can’t understand you and it sounds like you hate each other. If you can’t leave, I hope you can convince your sister to make him leave you alone?
Also, if you want to go to a mental institution, is there a way you could visit one in another state, or be able to give another set of contact details? You don’t need your parents interfering with your treatment again. Even if you wanted to raise your children again, it’s no good making you do so before you’re well- everyone will suffer. I’m sorry for being so bossy but it sounds like you need help right now. I hope you’re surrounded with friends, please help yourself now.
You are not alone, I understand the feelings you are having, do not do this alone, clare that left the last post today please email me at. Prayingforabetterday@gmail.com if you want to talk xxxxxxxxx
Clare I am so sorry you’ve had such a hard road. I wish I understood the dynamics between your children yourself, but I can only imagine how difficult it is for you living in the same house with that great distance emotionally between the three of you.
Are you able to talk to anyone outside of the household? Counselor or such?
My heart goes out to you, and I sincerely pray you are able to find a peaceful place in this world that brings you joy again. No one should have to suffer so much.
((((( HUGS )))))
@ Iris thank you you hit the nail on the head about my sisters boyfriend, I know while I was away they helped mum with the care of my children and I was twittering nasty things, but I can’t help myself. I have been to see some one at the mental health unit in Oct. they said they would get back to me …. I have spoke with the doctor and he has offered counselling but it is a 6-12mth waiting list, I have me and me to talk to. they want me to go out when I feel like I cant cope instead of getting upset and angry but where … I burnt allot of bridges when I left Manchester to go to London I have no friends left up here, I don’t like going out I feel safe indoors I have been known to do silly “attention” seeking things when I feel low, at the moment I am looking for work but scared the smallest thing sets me off on the hating myself I used to be good at what I did hospitality front of house supervising but now I know I cant do that without getting stressed and upset. thank you for all your kind words xx
Oh dear- that’s awful. I found a long list of phone numbers
http://christians-in-recovery.org/resources/hotlines.html
(ignore the Christian bit, I think this is available to everyone) and you might be able to find something on the UK list. It sounds like a phone call may be the only thing available, but one little call won’t solve everything. If you get someone who sounds very supportive and resourceful, they really should know other options for you when you tell them you can’t get an actual appointment. Right now, you need someone in the UK who knows what actions you can and can’t take- and to help you decide what’s best for you. If I was in the UK myself, I’d know a lot more. Especially if you feel so down you can’t go out, surely there’s a telephone or online service? Here’s another link:
http://www.depressionuk.org/links.html
Even if there’s no other places, I don’t think any email-admin or hotline will mind having a ‘regular’ even if you just need to rant.
I’m sorry if I’m teaching you to suck eggs and you’ve seen these dozens of times, but I don’t know what else may be helpful short of trying to find old friends or ‘groups’ on Facebook. Maybe one of these services may even offer you details of a good employment advice bureau: They can help you find paid or volunteer work that isn’t too stressful or maybe something emotionally rewarding that helps you feel useful- you may know you have useful skills, but it sounds like you’re not feeling it. Even if you find work, but in an unpleasant job, they can help you there. Also, you might think unpaid work is a foolish idea, so that may be a last resort.
Yes, I know I’m bossy. But it’s really sad to read you suffering like this and doing things you regret when you’re too ‘in the thick of it’ to know if you can get help at all, and more than one place to get it from if your first choice can’t help you. You sound like you’ve had enough and you can’t think of where to go.
I have lived this situation all my life. My mother is a cold authoritarian personality who wants things her way. She is passive aggressive so you can’t confront her about anything or she will go behind your back to get revenge. For years she told my brother how mad I always made her. It wrecked my relationship with him. Ack! I’m so sick of it.
Such mothers cannot empathize with their child’s authentic selves.
Children are seen as adjuncts to themselves. If they do not reflect the image the mother wants, it is a form of treason.
The mother may want them to reflect her beautiful self, so she rewards that child. She may want a scapegoat, so she punishes that child and rewards their failures. She may want to be a hero, so she rewards another child for being helpless.
It’s purely narcissistic on the mother’s part. Unfortunately, it happens to innocent children who would be much better off adopted out of such a family.
Such problems do not allow mothers to love their children.
The mother’s inner child is “the only genuine baby” at the center of her universe.
She cannot authenticate her child or it negates her own reality.
My mother has hatred for my sister and I because we questioned the system she constructed in our family. A system that made her queen. We were the “staff” that served her needs.
I can’t go into the story, but the damage we endured was hard to bear. My sister and I have sought counseling for decades to deal with the aftermath.
I schedule my visits to her house around trips to my counselor. She knows all about my counseling. It’s crazy that she has never asked if there is anything I want to talk to her about. She truly does not care about my suffering.
The system she set up in our family does not require her to give up anything emotionally for her daughters.
Yet, her daughters are required to support her.
She is the Red Queen in Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” movie.
It is a depressing environment. She does not participate in anything fun with her daughters. She just rules the roost.
If you relate to the things I have said, you have my sympathy. A narcissistic mother is a horrible experience I would not wish on my worst enemy.
Lee, why do you persist in visiting her? Why not just divorce yourself from her and let her fly alone? What others think of you is not your concern, you have the gift of a life, and deserve to be free of such drama and pain.
Amazingly enough, when I divorced my mom and did not see or speak to her for 10 yrs, she became the vulnerable one. I cannot predict what will happen for you, but wonder if it is worth the ongoing effort and pain to continue to see her?
You have my sympathy was well, it is a tough row to hoe, but so much smoother with them out of your life
Nancy
Lee….
I hear you loud and clear….though I refuse to give my ‘mommy dearest’ the title of queen anything….she’s just plain old Broomhilda….cause common is common and she’s well into the crusty depths of it.
At any rate, hello…and you have my sympathies.
Nancy,
I’ve tried that, both through email, and written letter. But in all honesty when I tell her where to get off, I would rather be face to face. So I wind up not sending them. It has been two and a half years now since I spoke with any of them. I got alot of things I want to clarify with her too. I’ve seen them around my neighborhood alot in recent weeks, to often for my own comfort.
I have my moments of lucidity where I realize it’s best to take the higher road. However I doubt I am the only one here that would love to just b**ch slap the hell out of their mother.
Forgive me if I have offended anyone. I have my bad days.
Well, I see your point, on the other hand, she will not be amenable to discussion. You may get some personal satisfaction out of it, or not. My only thought was it continues to generate turmoil, so sometimes cutting it clean with a letter of your issues, gets it off your chest.
good luck to you, whatever you do, it is not an easy place to be.
nancy
I don’t understand it. I’m 16 and I dream of the day that I will become a mother, I can’t wait to tell my kids that I loved them even years before they were born. But, I kno ‘when’ I want to have kids and I kno that I’d be upset if I were to have a child younger than I feel I should. With that said, I’m not careless or a bitch like Catherines mom seems to be, I’d love my kids whether I hav them early in life or later. I hope that Cat doesn’t end up having a destructive life because of her mother I hope she understands that their is something wrong with her mom and not her =[
This sounds naive, but I like to think that Catherine would be okay because while her mother couldn’t bond with her, it sounds like Catherine’s Nanna does love her very dearly. I wish that in every family afflicted with this sad problem, there is someone there that has the love that the child needs, whether it’s grandparents, family friends, or the single uncle or auntie (they’re not all child-haters).
I’m lucky, I don’t think my mother despised me at all, but she desperately wanted a daughter and I shattered the picture of the perfect ideal she had for many years before I was born. Since we were different, we couldn’t gel at all sometimes, and because my older brother was very intelligent, handsome (even as a baby) and charming, he was the one who had the attention and respect of both parents.
I remember being shouted at far more often, even though I tried very hard to be good and make my parents happy, and being laughed at whenever my brother made a joke at my expense or I tried to show them something. You wouldn’t think I was the quieter sibling, the way they yelled at me. I was also deemed ‘too sensitive’- but the problem of that is, that can also be used as an excuse to be careless with that person.
Both my parents valued complaining, money, control and their obsessions and as a result, I hate conflict, greed, the desire to buy every new gadget (Dad), cowardly bullying (Dad), throwing things away for the sake of it (Mum), two-faced people (Mum) and being rough on things you don’t see the value in (both, but especially Mum).
I wasn’t fully aware of it at the time, but when we very briefly saw my Nanna at age seven for the first time, I became the ‘apple of her eye’. She even hushed Mum mid-snap once, but gently. If she had been able to live next door, I would have been able to go there when my over-stressed mother became nasty, maybe even learnt a few easier ‘domestic skills’ under the guidance of someone who wouldn’t scream or go ‘No. No. No…’. It would have been better for all of us. I’ve only met Nanna three times and at the second time, she cried herself to sleep thinking she’ll never see me again. She died a year after the third time. I once visited a psychic who, of course, said that Nanna was personally watching over me and protecting me. I know they all say something like that, but it was believable.
I think my mother may have loved me, but she was in an unhappy marriage with no family to help (Nanna was in England) and I just wasn’t enough like her nor ‘as good’ as my brother. The whole experience has left her warped- the marriage is more or less over, but no divorce has occurred as no one wants to start the big fight over money. She’s wary about starting work again at her age, and bemoans having only $70 000 as it’s not enough to buy a place for her, but even these reasonable complaints (rents are high in Australia) are wearing on me. She’s wishy-washy about job searches and ideas for training courses, and resentful of my 22 year-old brother demanding things of her all the time ‘just expecting it’. She’ll be evaluated for a Centrelink benefit, but I’m not sure what else to do for her right now. Our values are different, so I can’t always emphasise when she doesn’t like something. I can’t afford to move out myself just yet, but I want to help her somehow.
I think that children who feel they didn’t ‘get enough’ from their parents (love, affection, respect, but not children who were abused) can usually get along far better with their family after they’ve had a chance to leave and get their own lives. With Nanna supporting her all the way, maybe Catherine will be able to do so with Shelley and Poppy (Poppy hasn’t done anything wrong, but it’s hard relating to the favourite kid when you’re the un-favourite).
Also, doing the house-work wouldn’t actually be helpful- Mum believes only she is capable of doing a good enough job, so she would either re-do my efforts straight away or complain even more about how ‘there’s a right way and a wrong way and you always do it the wrong way!’
I have struggled with my mom all my life wondered why did God make me, go to church and every bible study I can make sense to go to just to apologize to God in some way for my existence. When I did talk on the phone to her she usually abrubtly cuts me off after five or ten minutes not really interested in me. Now after our last conversation I decided that she has cut me down for the last time. I have to take care of me. I have seen a drug addict drunk come home for the holidays and be loved and accepted just the way they where why can’t I and I work, go to church, and do for myself? I cry to Jesus pretty much everyday and beg Him when do I get to come up there and be adopted. His promise keeps me going and all the rewards that go with it to live upright. 🙂
It might be time for you to move on and leave her to her dysfunctional life. Sometimes divorcing onesself from an abusive mother is a very healthy thing to do. She is not going to change, the key is to find a meaningful life without her input. She has proven over and over to be cold, insensitive, and non-caring. It is hard to stop putting ourselves in the path of a non loving parents wrath because we just keep thinking if we could do better THEN she will love me…………..ain’t gonna happen so maybe kicking her to the curb will work for you. It sure did for me
Pray the prayer of Jabez. 1 Chronicles 4:10
‘and Jabez called on the God of Israel saying,
“Oh, that You would bless me indeed,
and enlarge my territory,
that Your hand would be with me,
and that You would keep me from evil,
that I may not cause pain!”
So God granted him what he requested.’
Jabez mother bore him in great pain and named him PAIN so he grew up feeling like he was a big mistake but that one little prayer turned his whole life around. If we say this prayer everyday it will turn our life around too I just forget to say it sometimes.
In regards to my last comment I am sorry to leave such an impression of disrespect for my mother. So many times I have corrected my mother to not speak curses but blessings “Life and death are in the power of the tongue” I tell her. One thing I like about her is that she thanked me for that and told me I have her mother in me who was full of faith. My spiritual mother has the same kind of mother I do and she told me that God is going to show me ‘why’ I have the kind of mother I have. I have been shown alot of things. When someone makes fun of someone or belittles them they are the one with the problem not the person being made fun of. I am a HUGE believer in miracles. I thought my dad was the meanest person I ever knew and when I was 19 and on my own I chose to forgive him and prayed that God would bring him the right person and boy did He ever. I kid you not that man did a 180 in his personality. Do you know how to tell when two people are meant to be together? It’s easy. Everyone else knows it. He slept on a cold hospital floor to stay with her all night. When I call him I talk to her twice as long. I never thought I would ever see my sister again because my mom controls that too but today I sent my sister a phone text and told her ‘I will always love you’. She did text me back I almost cried I was so happy. I do not have the maturity to deal with my mom right now but know strong spiritual women who have come past that point with thier mothers and I am learning from them in a womans support group through a church. Respect for authority is so important I just had to come back and say that I love her and learning in a mature way how to deal with her. I should have did what her mother did to her when she was arguing with her when she was a teenager. Her mother repeated over and over and over, ‘blessed are the peacemakers, blessed are the peacemakers, blessed are the peacemakers.’ When she realized that was all my grandmother was going to say she stopped. I want God to bless me with the right person and unforgiveness stops that so here I am to apologize and forgive. I choose to forgive my mom. Someday if one where ever to stumble across my path I hope I will be one-half of a very happy couple that only God put together.
Goodnight!!!! 🙂
I just wanted to post this to say a little thanks to this site. It’s not much, but I wanted to get that out there. Through this site, and the random semi annonomous comments and postings here I have come to realize and appreciate the fact that I am not alone.
I am not the only one who’s suffered, or tends a wounded soul. I have to confess that there have been times I have felt the old memories dragging me back, kicking and screaming. However, inevitably someone’s post here will come to mind and I find myself thinking: “I am not alone, there’s nothing wrong with me, I am just another victim of emotional detachment.”
I hope this does not offend anyone, and please know that what I am trying to say is that you all give me a little strength. Just knowing that there is a place to vent, and get it out instead of letting it fester and rot inside, it means a great deal.
Thank you Blue Milk, and thank you to all who post here.
The victims of Mediocre Mothers.
Thanks for your comments. Although I am not associated iwth Blue Milk, I interact here a lot. It took me a long time to break free of being drug back but once I did, life became so peaceful.
It was worth the long study of dysfunctional families, of years of therapy and body work, and years of doubting myself before I figured out I was not the problem. We are children of the universe, we have a right to be here, and if our mothers do not love us, it is not about us.
nancy
Thank you Karen. I am pleased that this post has allowed so many of you to find one another. Though I don’t participate in this discussion much I watch it closely, and I feel a little bit of hope every time someone news joins the discussion here knowing that they are receiving and contributing to a growing sense of community on this post among you all.
My best wishes to you all here in healing from the pain you have grown up with.
Thank YOU for being gracious enough to give us a forum. And allowing us to express ourselves.
When I ran across this page, I remember shouting “Oh my god” My husband came running, and i started reading some of the post.
I’ve been loyal since, so thank you again. You have a great site.
Oh I know, the message was directed to the posters as well as the bluemilk owner for having it up here 🙂
You are right, we are children of the universe and we all have a right to be here. Honestly there have been times I’ve given thanks my mother at least did have me, otherwise I wouldn’t have my son.
It’s important to have an outlet though, a means to release all that built up animosity, anger, and hurt. Writing is my best method of release, trying to talk things out wind up getting to emotional and lose the ability to communicate. This forum has helped me to open, and clean the wounds.
Yes, a very valuable outlet for all of us. A safe place to reveal that even though it was not our fault, we were unloved and knew it often times despite denials of those around us. We were not unloveable but had to learn this through time.
I agree it is also helpful to understand we are not alone in this terrible set of circumstances. I have a cousin whom my mother loved dearly, and who’s own mother (my mothers sister) did not love her at all. In fact she tried time and again to get custody of her son but to leave her daughter behind. surely there is something there, two sisters who did not love their daughters but loved their neices to no end. Huh, go figure
Nancy
Wow, that is a conundrum. Then again, it is confusing that a mother is unable to love her own child and love another child loyally on any level.
My aunt on my father’s side is somewhat insightful. She believes my mother does not show love for me because she is threatened by me. My mother is very reserved, went from highschool into marriage, bounced from one marriage to another, producing one child by each man.
I married at an older age than she, had a child later in life than she did, went to college, have traveled, am far more independent and self assertive than my mother is. Maybe there is some truth to it, maybe there is not. The one thing I DO know, is that I will never understand why unless she learns to understand herself and I don’t see that happening.
I am also aware that she will never admit her own short comings. Though she wants others to take full responsibility for their own problems, AND her’s.
I guess there is no easy way to adjust to this situation. Age, time, wisdom, and building your own family maybe?
I regress….at any rate. I am making a push to do better things in my own life. Like a moron I wonder if she would be proud of me, but it’s a mute point. Do we ever lose that inner child that just wants to be love and accepted? Mine seems bound and determined to kick me in the shins when ever I think I have moved past the BS.
I hope you all have a good weekend. Bless you all….
Today I searched for “mother’s who don’t bond with their child” and came across this site and the article. Honestly, I could have written that article myself. I feel the same way the woman did towards her daughter to my son. There’s nothing wrong with him or anything, I’m just not attached at all.
I feel the same dread for taking care of him, I avoid contact, I am just not supposed to be his mom.
Then you need to see that your son has loving people in his life, grandparents, father, uncles, aunts, he needs to feel he belongs and is worthy and is loved. If he does not feel that, he will likely be unable to love or care for others.
It is a difficult position for you to be in, castigated by society for not loving, and knowing there is a small person who needs to be loved in order to learn to love. He has those needs whether you can fill them or not, so the course for you could be to find those who can care for him in a variety of different settings.
He needs to know people are proud of his efforts if he is to try to be a decent adult, and to contribute to society instead of drain it by drifting unattached through life. Please see what you can do for him through others, he did not ask to be here and deserves to be cared for and loved.
Nancy
K, in reply to your post, if u had asked me 7 months ago how I felt about my baby I would have asked u to have taken her away and never to have bought her back, that’s how much I struggled, I hated the sight and sound of her, for no reason other than the fact that I had not bonded. Now things are different she has a personality, she is sleeping through the night, she laughs at me and smiles because I am the one the changes her nappy and gives her food, I always ensured she was surviving just didn’t have it to help her thrive I thought. How old is your son? With time things may change but please please please ask for help from those around you. I told my mother when my baby was born and everyday for 6 months afterwards that niether did I love nor want her + now by some freak of biology someone who was told they could never had kids now had a baby, she didn’t understand and it upset her to the core of her being because she loved her children before they were even born, but it meant she was able to help and I was able to do little things, my mum could look after her while I had a bath, at the weekend she would look after her for a dy so I could have a day to myself. Please if you need help or support from someone who knows how ur feeling but has come out the otherside, please email me on prayingforabetterday@gmail.com seriously I could see no way I was ever guna be happy so I really would like to support u if u want it.
My mom always told me that she picked me up from the bus stop. Why would she say that if it’s not true. I am her biological daughter. I had a nanny she hired who abused me when I was two. It was bad and I had nightmares until I was around 10. I always wondered, how could she not know. In my honest opinion, I think she did, but didn’t care much. She’d rather that someone else did doing the dirty of raising a child. When my dad cought her throwing a play of food at my face he fired her on the spot. I stood there crying. My dad tried to comfort me but my mom on the other hand was hiding behind everyone else in the family. I never felt loved by her. I went off to college and she never called me, even when and after my dad passed away. I got the message my half sister on my mom side left on my phone. She wasn’t there for me during these adjustments and that meant no phone calls or concern of how I was doing. 8 years had gone by since my college year and my dad passing away, she never mentioned him once. She’s not only cold through out my life, she’s also cruel and abusive. How the hell does someone like her even have 3 kids…. Even my bro and my half sister don’t trust her and would say that she doesn’t know what love is. Sadly my half sister is a lot like her, cruel and cold. I just hope she doesn’t have kids and be a horrible mother like our mother is. Anyways for all u potential mother put there who knows that they r too selfish to have a child, then please don’t. My life is he’ll because of her. I never feel loved or secured and feel like I have a void no one could fill. I could only see the love other mothers give to their daughters and sons, but never feel it myself. All I know is that their children have so much joy and security through out life than I could ever know.
Lately it has become more and more crystal clear to me how hard it is to have a relationship. My mom has had me upset most of this year. Two of my past realationships the man told me my parents don’t give a crap about me or don’t come around unless they need something. This man I really like now I should have just told him I am an orphan. I told him about how my mother treated me and even though he still calls he has moved on. Ok now I know to don’t EVER talk to any man about my mom. EVER. When is life going to be better for losers like us? I have given my money away, taken care of dying mother-in-laws, took care of step-kids, put my heart into my relationships only to get beat up, thrown away, and my mom calls me to blame it all on me. The one thing in this life we CANNOT go without is true, unconditional love. When the hell is that going to happen? I am sick and tired of this crap. I was stupid enough to send her a text message last night ‘Goodnite mom I love you.’ How can I do that when I don’t feel a damn thing but sorry I ever knew her?
Mimi when you find the answers please share. I don’t discuss my mother with anyone either. My son’s father knows it, and used to on many occasions throw up the “Your own mother doesn’t give a crap about you” bit in my face. Oddly enough his mother abandoned him, yet he passes judgment on me…but that’s another story.
I don’t think sending her an ‘i love you’ message makes you stupid. I think it makes you compassionate and hopeful where she apparently lacks that emotion. It’s not something to beat yourself up over. I still get upset during the holidays because I cannot have a relationship with my own mother, and I still debate on calling or emailing her. My circumstances are different. It has been 3 years since I spoke too, seen, or had contact with my mother, sister, and brother. I had too break contact, for my own emotional well being.
We do need unconditional love, it’s an innate human need. I’ve come to the conclusion, whether it be right or wrong, that being able to recognize that the relationship between ourselves and our mothers/fathers is a starting point to changing the cycle of our own lives and those in it.
It is clear you are frustrated, with every right to be so. Any man or person who would intentionally pick at a open wound like the relationship between you and your mother is not someone you need around. I pray you find solace, and peace in your life. You seem to be someone who is full of compassion and willingness to share that with others. You do deserve to be happy.
Karen, I divorced my family to stop the abuse, manipulating, and distance my self from an unloving parent.
It took 10 yrs before we were able to have a tentative relationship, but I was no longer the punching bag. I think it is healthy to walk away, when abuse in any form is present. This creates a healthy boundary. I know the desire to contact but for me, it would have put me right back into an abusive situation. Once she contacted me, then we sat down and talked. I said I will live my life, and I will do it on my terms. But I will not tolerate manipulation or abuse in any form.
The relationship was very tentative, I think because she was so well known in the community and was often asked about me, she felt the need to reconnect, it was clearly not because she loved me.
So we had a casual relationship with no love expressed. However my stomach no longer was in knots.
Nancy,
I don’t know if I envy you or not. At times I wish I had even a tentative relationship with my family, but then I spot my mother, step father, or sister on the road, turning into or out of a parking lot and I go from hoping they don’t see me to wondering if our absence is even felt.
The last time my mother and I reconciled, we agreed it would be the last time because it was to emotionally draining. She intends to keep that, she has told my uncle she has nothing to say to me and no desire to see me. On the flip side, on one hand I want to be able to hug my mother and have her give a damn about my son and me. On the other hand I’d dearly love to b*tch slap her for awhile. I want her to be happy, but want her to suffer like she’s made us suffer.
It’s a damnable place to be when your heart reaches out to nothing.
I understand your heart reaching out to nothing, oh so well. My father abandoned me because his new wife wanted all of his attention to her daughter, and my mother abused in every possible way. I did not wish for a tentative relationsihp, I was very comfortable with nothing.
Not that I did not have a deeply aching heart wishing for any kind of love. My grandmother provided that for me in the years she was alive. After that I was on my own. I spent many years in therapy, and gradually learned it was not about me at all.
Still, I understand that it would be nice to have a relationship, but I resolved to move on without and htat worked very well for me. I actually moved out of the region where I would run into them, and that was great.
I wish peace for you, and your son. Its ok to walk away from the family and establish good friends and a life for yourself. You alone cannot change their behavior.
Nancy
Nancy,
I am sooo planning to move out of this area when I get my degree. I think that is one of the driving forces to keep me going when it all seems so overwhelming.
MIMI, , you are not the loser. What your mother feels has nothing to do with you, it is all about her. She lacks the capacity to love you, not because you are unloveable, but because she is lacking.
You may be reaching out to her as an act of compassion. It is not stupid to wish for better ways. Have you considered counseling? You might benefit from the help of a counselor to more clearly understand this is about her. When she calls to blame you for things, it is perfectly alright to tell her you are glad she called but perhaps we should talk when you are in a better frame of mind.
This sets a healthy boundary, (i won;t listen to you beating me up) and still keeps the door open for a possible relationsihp.
good luck to you
Nancy
Karen, I think moving will bring you a good deal of relief, at least it did for me.
Hi everyone!
I’m just writing for some advice from you guys. A little background first. My mum has always been emotionally abusive towards me and it seems she delights in saying hurtful things to me. I have a brother whom she absolutely adores and worships, so I grew up feeling unwanted and unloved. I moved out of the family home as soon as I can. And eventually stopped all contacts with mum but years later I decided to try and patch things up between us. I thought for a brief moment we might have a chance but now things have gone bad again. My brother and I both have a toddler of similar age and it seems history is repeating it self.
My mum is once again openly showing preference for my brother’s child and ignoring mine. It breaks my heart that she can be so unfair and uncaring. When mum sees my child on her own she acknowledges her but isn’t that interested in engaging with her. When both kids are around mum doesn’t even see my child but pours all her attention on my brother’s child! It’s like my child isn’t even there. This makes me seethe with anger and I just feel that I hate her(mum). In this world I can honestly say I have never hated anyone but my own mother.
So far I have avoided family-get-together – my attempt not to witness mum treating the kids so differently-very upsetting it makes me feel like I’m dying inside. Now, I am finding it harder to avoid get-togethers and I have ran out of excuses not to go. I’d like to come clean and explain to my brother why I don’t want to be around mum but I am worried that it will ruin our relationship. I have built up a nice relationship with my brother and don’t want to lose him. However, my brother and mum have a very close and loving relationship – I know that if it came down to it he would choose mum over me. Do you think I should confine in him and risk losing him? I haven’t had any contact with mum for a month and I would like it to remain that way. Does anyone have any ideas?
Calliana,
You’ve described the same crap I went through, and I also cut ties. My son is an affectionate child, and would often try to snuggle and hug my mother. She would lean away, or keep her arms tight to her side so she was not returning the hug. I’ve had physical chest pains over seeing the way she treated him. When my son started asking me “Momma, why does grandma love Jaden and not me?” I knew I had to get him out of that situation, be damned with my mother and the rest of them.
I had a premium job offer working for major airline. Full medical, flight privileges, the whole nine. My mother would not watch my son for a few hours a day till his father could pick him up, yet my sisters baby she immediately started watching him for 8-10hrs a day. They loaded him down with expensive toys, baby items etc. She loaned me the hand me downs from my brothers days as a baby.
I seriously get how you feel, it STILL pisses me off how she treated my son. The only thing you really can do for them is to keep them from having to experience what you felt. No one should feel that way, thankfully your child has you for a mother, not your mom. I tried not talking to my brother or sister about how I felt about the way my mother treated me, but at times I wish I had. My brother is a momma’s boy, and will stand by her side no matter what. My sister is her angel. The only ones who see how she treats me and call her out on it is my uncle, unfortunately they think very little of him either so it makes no difference.
Only you can determine how your brother may or may not react, only you know him. If you feel like you need to tell him just suggest something like “Have you noticed any difference” hopefully he will have, if not it might at least plant the seed of curiosity and get his eyes looking for what you’ve seen all to clearly.
I hope you can make some peace with the whole situation. My son has not seen my mother or family in 3 years. Occasionally when a reference is made about them, he will make a comment about how sad she made him. I KNOW I did the right thing then.
It is abusive to you and your child to be present when hostilities are seething. It is also not fair for your child at all. I would avoid the family gatherings and be honest that you are not comfortable given the discord toward both of you. I would simply say to your brother, I want to be in your life, but we will have to do that aside from family gatherings if it is acceptable with you.
If not, you may have to divorce yourself from your entire family, and let the chips fall where they do. It may well be that you can fill the void wiht friends and interests that you have. It is difficult to do, but it can be done and for me it was less painful that being in an abusive environment. Waiting for things to get better is not a good choice in my experience, because unloving mom;s don;t generally change, except occasionally on their death beds. My mom apologized for my life, and her mistakes as she died, still unloving. So while I would wish the best for you, realistically, I don’t think unloving moms change their spots.
Best to you, I know it is hard
Hi Nancy,
Thank you for your advice. I will bite the bullet and let my brother know how I feel. I just hope it won’t ruin our friendship. I think you are right about it being less painful than being in an abusive environment. At least after I’ve talked to him I won’t have to be around mum again. It is very soul destroying when you know your mum doesn’t like you never mind love you. I’m 33 years old but even now a harsh word and a glare from mum and I’m reduced to a fearful child!
But still life goes on. Are you more at peace now?
My peace came when I divorced my parents at age 35. I had had enough of criticism, condescension, dismissal, manipulation. I just walked away, unlisted my phone and let them be. It was a very peaceful time.
After about 10 yrs my mom showed up at my place of work wanting to talk. She was in a terrible bind, as most of our small community knew I was a nurse and very successful and she had questions all of the time about where I was and what I was doing. She wanted a relationship. (not i love you and miss you, but I am embarassed when folks ask and I don;t know).
I realized why she was doing this, and I agreed to see them occasionally, and over the 10 more years until she died, I probably saw them about 8 times.
When she died, I put the past behind me and a few of my friends helped me care for her. It was not a labor of love, but it was also not difficult. Moments before she died, she awoke and begged for forgiveness and said she was sorry. It meant nothing to me to say, “its fine.” She expressed relief and died.
At that point, I did seek a bit more counseling to further clarify what might have been going on. My therapist was very skillful, had me exploring her life as a child etc. So I came to greater understanding, but still have no love for her. I am at peace, I have learned what is, just is.
I wish you well, and if I can help you anytime in the future, email me, happy to share my experience or observations.
Nancy nancynursez637@aol.com
I still believe you are a far more compassionate person than I could ever be Nancy. I could not extend myself like that for my mother. Don’t get me wrong, at one time I would have gladly provided for her, nursed her, and made life as comfortable as I could while she withered away.
Unfortunately with the damage she has done to me, and the hateful things she’s said directly to my son for no real reason I cannot muster enough ‘give a dern’ to want to help her. She has her precious two youngest to do her bidding. As for forgiveness, she will have to get that from God. She wasn’t concerned about my feelings for all these years I just can’t see giving a dern about hers when she’s worried about spending eternity in hell.
I know i sound cruel, unfortunately there is a lot that is not out here on the discussion board that I won’t talk about online or off. However back in 2000 I was advised by a psychologist to remove myself from my family for my emotional and mental welfare before I hurt myself, which pretty much says it all.
I wish I could truly forgive, and wash the negativity from my own soul. I am still trying, and will continue to do so till I can think about them and talk about them without anger and tears. I’m getting a little better, but as I told you before I am looking towards moving from this pit of disparity and proximity to them.
No Karen, it does not sound cruel at all. You do what you have to in order to protect yourself. I guess I felt since I was in the drivers seat, I could take care of her. It was almost as if she were a neutral person and I was doing what I had done for thousands of others over my 45 yrs as a nurse.
It was almost rote. I had no emotion at all about it. It was odd, because I never saw my self doing that prior to her actual fatal illness.
I still have deep unhealed spots in my soul, father loss, mother loss, lack of love from any parental source. But I think as I went on, and had small successes in my work and career, the holes became less harmful. Inner resources I guess.
PS, I forgot to say, my biggest lesson through all of this, was : IT IS NOT ABOUT ME, IT WAS ALL ABOUT HER. Took awhile for that to sink in , I am sure when I was small I thought I was unloveable.
hi Nanacy,
Thank you for sharing your experience. You have been wrestling with this situation for a long time and I suppose the hurt will always be there.
I did break away from family for 3 years – until I decided I wanted to patch things up with mum. I had a couple of life changing experiences(brought about by some very peaceful meditation) and felt I was strong enough to be around mum.
I was wrong. Mum still can’t help but treat me like an object that she possessed. Something she can abuse and neglect but still expect me to be the dutiful/self sacrificing daughter. And if I had my own opinion and expressed them she would cut me down – flinging insults, telling me I’m not good enough. If I don’t agree with her or do as she says she completely withdraws from me and stops speaking to me. You can imagine how scared and fearful I felt as a child when she did this.
I feel that I’m unable to be my self, to say how I feel and to give my opinions incase mum doesn’t like it. I hate it when she snaps at me in front of other people. Unfortunately, I have noticed that I have great trouble relaxing and expressing my opinion in front of other people as well. It takes me a long time to make friends. I guess I expect other people to cut me down like mum does.
I have tried to talk to mum about how I feel but it has always ended in an argument and mum telling me ‘you have a good life-bye’ before storming off! When she does this I feel like I’m trying to reason with a difficult teenager!
Anyway, I’m talking to my brother later on today and will let you know how it goes.
Good luck with your discussion with your brother. It may be too hard for him to walk the line, but at least you will have tried.
Unloving moms, never seem to change, want to or able to. I just know it got very peaceful when I did not go to family events, or home for holidays, and unlisted my phone. I moved almost 400 miles away. As I mentioned before, life got peaceful and when she returned even though she was very low key and I did not have much to say to her, or her to me, I still have those “pit of the stomach” feelings I did when I was a kid. By then I was 40 yrs old.
good luck to you, and I will be interested in how your brother responds. He may have noticed over the years, but maybe not.
nn
Hi nancy,
My brother phoned me and I told him the situation between me and mum. I told him what mum is like with me and how difficult it is for us to get along. I also explained how mum treats the 2 grandchildren very differently (he has noticed how mum treats me but says he isn’t around enough to see how she treats the 2 kids when they are together). I told him that I will no longer be participating in family get-togethers where mum is involved but I still wanted to be a part of him and his family. He was dissappointed that we won’t have a family thing anymore but has accepted my decision to pull away from mum. He has been pretty understanding and I’m very proud to have such a mature and sensitive brother. I’m also proud of myself for swallowing my fears and was able to express how I felt about the situation – even though I was terrified that it would blow up in my face.
Glad things worked out for you Calliana! I am glad you and your brother will be able to have a relationship after all this.
It is so freeing to take steps toward taking care of yourself and keeping abusers at bay. This is wonderful Calliana, I am so happy to hear your brother wants to stay in relationship with you, and that he understands
i have recently realized that my mom doesn’t love me.it has always been there,i guess i didn’t want to face it.i have always tried to please her by buying her expensive gifts and always going all out for her birthday and christmas.my husband was in the military and when he got out we ended up in florida.we are from ohio and that is where my mother lives.well i sent her a couple of movies for her birthday and i called her and i got the answering machine.i left her a message and told her to give me a call back sometime,i try not to make her feel too obligated as to when or anything.because the last time i talked to her was mother’s day.well she was pissy then on the phone with me because i only sent her these door magnets for mother’s day,there for your screen and i thought they were cool.i have them too.well her birthday was the 14th and today is the 16th and she hasn’t called me back.and mainly i think it is because i don’t go crazy with gifts anymore.the last time we went to ohio to visit her and my in-laws,we were suppose to go shopping and when she didn’t call me,i called her and got the machine and decided to just go over her house and when i got there she had already left.i finally got a hold of her and she said that she didn’t think i would be up yet.she didn’t even call.she knew we were leaving that day i tried to spend time with her when we were there and she was avoiding me.i feel empty.i have a younger brother and a younger sister and i can see how she loves them.she always told me when i was younger that i was not the “A” girl that i’m the “B” girl.when i wanted to go to college she told me there was no way i would ever go to college.i guess with her not calling me back this time reality has just set in and i’m flooded with all these hurtful things she has said to me over the years.i have brown eyes and she talks crap about my aunt and how she only has brown eyes and how this person or that only has brown eyes.my friend angie would be pretty but she only has brown eyes.she does this when she’s comparing herself to them i guess?because hers are green??a lot of people have told my aunt how she looks like julia roberts and it makes my mom angry.well she does look like her.my sister has blue eyes and my mom says how pretty she is.it’s just weird to have someone so obviously saying hurtful things to make you sad especially having it be your mom.my sister is autistic and part of me is glad that she is.i know it’s messed up to feel that way and i guess it doesn’t matter now because my mom is not talking to me anyway.when i was getting married to my husband 10 years ago i was showing wedding dresses to her from a magazine and i told her this one was my favorite,it was 3,500$ and she told me i was nuts if i thought she was going to buy me a dress that cost that much.the thing is i have never asked my mom for money and i was just showing then to her.then she turned to my sister who was about 2 yrs old then and said well if my little princess wanted a 10,000$ wedding she would get one.i drive my husband nuts because i always ask him if he really loves me.nobody has so why would i believe him?it’s hard i see that he does but part of me thinks he will just leave one day.
Don’t do that to your husband. He loves you and has shared that with you. I understand your situation all too well. Empty relationships and the damage that does to us, often makes us think there is something wrong with us.
It is not about you, it is all about her. She is abusing you emotionally, psychologically and holds you at arms length. My suggestion first and foremost is counseling. I spent a great deal of time in counseling trying to get a grip on why she treated me as she did. One of my important lessons was, this is her issue not mine.
I found removing my self from opportunities for her to repeatedly abuse me was really quite healthy for me. The pressure was off, and I was free to be without judgement. I can’t say that is what you need to do, but I have to wonder what there is to be gained by repeatedly putting yourself in that situation? I know you would like to have this relationship, but she has shown she is not willing to participate. Is there a chance your mother in law could provide a greater role in closeness, and interaction?
Does your husband see and understand how your mother treats you? If so he may have discussed it with his parents, and there may be a possiblity for a closer relationsihp there.
I found that when I made the split, I did not discuss it with any family. I let others draw what ever conclusions they wanted. I just refused to put myself in a position to be abused, and had to reach out to my brother as to whether or not he wanted a relationship and would it put him in a difficult position. Those are issues that you might want to consider. Also where is your father in all of this. I did not have a father, there was a step dad who was very critical and unloving. So there was no support there. Generally, I have observed, fathers will not put themselves between their wives and daughters, so I don’t know what you would encounter if you reached out to him for support.
You have a right to be here, you are not at fault here, your mother is a bitter angry woman and it appears to me to be using you as her punching bag. Please consider counseling.
nn
I made the hugest mistake. I communicated with her. All of the rejection is so unbearable. She is one on the cycle of abuse, be nice to you then pull the rug out from under you. My guy friend who moved on because of HER still calls and I hurt so bad because he is what I like. 99% of all men I cannot stand even the most sophisticated. I function just like anyone else the only difference is I have two parents that could care less and especially a mother that really cannot stand me. I was always the feminine type and she is not. I walk around everyday with the pain of rejection and it is so deep. I wish I would have known to shut up and not tell this man anything. When he calls me it makes me think he is interested but I get let down everyday because he is not. I am not talking about past abuse that is all forgiven. I am talking about ongoing rejection, putting me down, critisizing, etc. Now she is being all nice wanting me to come around on the holidays. HELL NO. I will be with church people. How I feel right now scarres me so bad because I don’t want it to keep me out of Heaven. I am so angry at her for treating me different than the other girls. I have not had one drop of love and I hurt so bad it is unbearable.
Mimi, you are stuck in the cycle of abuse. She holds out a little bait that things will be ok, and because our pain is so great we go. She may be wanting you there because others are asking about you. She may be worried about her own appearances.
Have you entered counseling? You need to understand this is not about you, and will never change unless your mother were to recognize her own issues and enter counseling. Fat chance, you are her punching bag and need to find a way to cut her loose or your pain will never diminish. She has already come between you and a man you care about, this suggests she wants to run your life, and keep her punching bag at hand.
I am sorry for your loss, and the hole in your soul. I share that journey but have found ways to move on and let them be what they will be with out me at hand to push around. Once i divorced myself of them completely, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief, secure in the knowledge that the craziness was theirs, not mine.
I hope you can find peace but moving back in to the cycle of being with them is unlikely to bring much.
nancy
If a 5 year old girl was adopted, abused in foster homes, then adopted by a pedofile father and a mom who has love as cols as ice, brought up in a home with 3 other adopted children, who was having intercourse at 5 1/2 years old with dad, and taught to keep secrets, lie, etc., because she was in fear of the threats of dad telling her if she tells she will never be adopted and will never be loved, and he abused her until she had her 1st period, and then prostituted from 13 to 17, by dad, and mom never said a word, and the other children were also done the same way, and she had a gun put to her head and threatened by dad, and the dad and mom had one birth child who was murdered by a serial killer family, and was accused of doinf it by the FBI, and dad kept quiet hoping she would get put in prison so she could never tell and be believed until they caught the killers, and then married at 18, and after 10 years of marriage, where she wroked while her 1 st husband was in the military and put him through college, and he had a wealthy family, and then he just showed up at wrk and told her to sign here and didn’t tell her they were divorce papers, and left her without anything, and then she remarried and it was brief as he wanted to have other female relations, sex, drugs and rock and roll, and then she couldn’t have children from the sexuall intercourse from 5 to 17, had a hysterectomy at 31 for she was full of fibroid tumore and was bleeding to death, and then her other adopted sister died from being in an auto accident and mom took her children away from her, adopted them, because she drank and did drugs to deal with the abuse, and then she decided to go to Wyoming, and there and the man who took her there, she or he , no one knows, made a choice for her to drink enough to die of alcohol poisoning, and even after all these years, my wife still to this day wants the love from her mom who never had any love for anyone, and she is 56 now, and when she married me 38 years ago, we had a great relationship the first 2 years, and then she had to have that hysterectomy, and couldn’t have children, and after all that our sex life, I thought was love making, began to end and has been this way and now a completely impossibility, and she does not trust me, believe me, love me ( can’t say it and look me in the eyes, and also had a boyfriend back in 2004 for 2 years and lied to me and said he was gay and it was only a friendship, but everyday I worked he was in our apartment with my wife, and then I ended it, and she hated me for it, and he is the type to go from one mans wife to the next and live with mom at 40, yet she loved him more than me as I could see it in her eyes, and when I come home from work he is all she could talk about and when the phone rang her eyes would lite up, and if it wasn’t him calling her eyes would go dim again with a complete look of disappointment, and then she became very cruel, and went to work for this one company, and he never paid her and she was ok with it, and used the excuse that she would someday run the store and be the manager, yet it turned out he was a drunken thief and was tapping the till, yet she was willing to stay with the owner who was also a thief and had hired many women and never paid them, and I insisted she quit, for all she did was go to work, twice a day without pay, and leave me to work all day, and do everything at home, and then in the past 4 years since I became laid off and sick and have been struggling for disability since, but may have to find a job, even though I am 54, has these disabilities and have been looking for 4 years for work, just no one is hiring a guy like me, even when I held one job for 23 years, and was and am bery good at running a trucking company but the economy has ruined that business pretty bad , and now she doesn’t want to talk, look, do anything together, fight over me telling her that she put too much ffabric softener in a downy ball, and she went to bed, said she is not going to do it the way the instructions say even though the balls won’t release the softener and I try to tell her that is why, and now she is still in bed, went to sleep and won’t speak, and it is like this everyday now and seems to be getting worse. Yet she is a very lovely person to anyone else, even strangers, and tells her friends how much she loves them but won’t say I love you to me, yet she claiims she loves me. I took her to ER, and her family called the hospital and said they were me, and make life threats, and I couldn’t know where she was for 3 weeks, and she could get word to me through other friends but she didn’t, and even started tell everyone every secret thing about me, all bad. Yet she says she wants to stay together but won’t say she wants to make our relationship better, try a new approach and have a happy life. And I am still looking to work as badly disabled as I am. She has accused me of saying things to her that hurt her and she creied for weeks and I tried and tried to convince her that she took every word I said wrong and it wasn’t what she though she understood I said. And then as time has gone by, I am finding out that she has held grudges against me since 1985, but always kept them a secret and pretended all was well, and then I am finding out that she trys to have a secret life with friends where I am not included in that with any of them yet she doesn’t want to have friends together. I am beginning to believe that because of her abuse which was so bad starting at 5 years old, that she has never understood love, just survival techniques, by lying, keeping secrets, manipulating people to believe she is someone she isn’t because she doen’t know who she is , and has just always lived a life of simply survval, and what she was taught as a child until a married woman, by lying, keeping secrets, and manipulating people to survive, and like these people completely destroyed a child and her mind, and she has been going for mental health care for 20 years yet they now are not much more than a pill place with pills that don’t really work because she needed seriuos threapy, in house therapy, where professionals could deprogram her and teach her a world ourside of what she was taught. She has acute, chronic, post traumatic stress injury, manic depressive, bipolar, anxiety disorders, true multiple personalities disorder, and I think maybe a type of stockholm syndrome, and deep depression, and now things are worse because i am not making money yet, yet things have been bad long before I lost my career, she even told me in 2004 that ny stepdad tried to blackmail her for sex while his wife, my mom, was dying with cancer, telling her that he would fire me if she didn’t do it, yet she claims she never did and told him if he didn’t stop she was going to tell me and I would beat his A##, and I wouldn’t have, as I would have played my cards right and moved on no later than when the 1990 recession ended, but since all the secrets and not telling the truth I worked for him for 23 years and he destroyed my retirement, career, and future and I am struggling to survive and losing my mind totally. Now I have no family to turn to and she has no family or anyone to turn to, so she has to feel like a trapped animal cornered with no way out. She talks to me with such cruelty, hate, totallly down right abusive as a person can be, other than physical torture, and yet a sexless marriage for so many years I can’t remember what it is like to make love, and a decade or more of not holding hands, sleeping next to each other, no touching, no holding one another when feeling bad or srying, nothing. I sleep in the living room and she sleeps in the bed and if I lay dowm in the bed she will go to the living room and slep on the floor, and I think she is losing it completely, and don’t know what to do, and she has gone so far as to build up her self esteem by telling everyone, friends, family, grocery store clerk, pharmacist, doctors, hospital staff and the police lies about me, so she can say that all she has left is her good word and reputation, built on destroying mine. I am so close to losing my mind for I know it is the illness but I am thinking now that after so long, that she is just a person who was abused so bad that they destroyed her inside, and she doesn’t even know or think like most people, and I have been with her so long, for I do love her, and have tried all these decades to help her get batter, and that is why I stayed, and she had no where else to go either, yet now, she is so cruel to me and shows her hate and always angry, and everything negative, I just don’t know how she can get helped, but she has gone over the edge as allowing me to help anymore, except when she gets real sick, then she comes to me, with that personality that I fell in love with, like it is a buried personality that has become a weaker personality now, and the more negative personalities are more dominant most always now, and I feel like the last 28 years of my life with her was a whole lie, and that now that she can’t ever trust or believe me, eyt I have even made her an offert hat I would find a way for her to have the place to herself, and I would find a way to help with money somehow, even if I have to live a much poorer quality of life, and so on, and she doesn’t want that. I ask her if I was gone and she could have my help, I would even find the money to get a throwaway phone where she can call me if need be and I will be there for her, but she wnats me here, yet she treats me horribly, like she has become the dad and the mom since she obsessed on them all her life, and they are cruel people, and she has good personalities. She is sick, she needs help, I can’t afford the kind of help she needs, she has become physically ill from this life from her abdominal problems, she has no one else in the world, so she wnats me but she don’t. I even told her that if she could find a man she could love I would support her as long as he was a good man and could provide for her much better than me, yet she says no, I am through with men, which I see that includes me. I want her to get better, and make her choices with a sound intergrated mind, whatever they are, and if I move on then so be it, but I can’t even get that done now. She stays in bed all the time, is losing her physical health, and I too am now losing my physical health and my mental health from the way things have been mostly the past 7 years. Can someone email me with any ideas, and if I can get so lucky to hear from a professional, with a solution is a dream come true, please do so at this email address. I am going to give it out and fully expect to receive some real people telling me what a fool I am, and I am more of a fool staying with my stepdad and believeing his promises about the company as it being a family business and I would always have a career and then he all this time was ruining my life, yes I was a fool, and if only my wife, then only of 3 years, together 5 years, had told me I would have been gone for at least 19 years ago and maybe still have a career. I am at the end of my rope, the last string, like the kitty cat card that says ” hang in there ” and that last str9ing is breaking. I am out of work, disabled but I guess I can do some work even if it kills me at this point, as social security disability, 3 years now, who knows, maybe never, and losing most of my hearing too. It seems that it is my time to die at this point, eyt I won’t kill myself, and I am still alive, sometimes wishing I died in my sllep when I wake up. SO, if anyone with an answer, here it is, and I made it a funny looking address for a reason. Thanks.
” isee17clearly@yahoo.com ”
Call me JON
Jon, that is a horrendous history. I am surprised she survived at all. It is hard to say what she wants, but i would suggest the only way to find out is to enter counseling together and perhaps apart.
It has been a long difficult course fro you as well. It is not something the usual person could sort out without help
nancy
TODAY…when i once again..ask my” lovely” mom….”mom, why did you not show me much love or affection”???
She replied…(opposed)..pffff…i had better things to do, then to show you love or affection ALL day!
Well… that explains it all and it gave me the answer of all questions.
BUT i will and would NEVER continue such behavior…i love myself and able to love others.
Christina
Well, and you got her where it hurts, so she blew you off. Remember, it is not about you, but is about her inability to love and to bond with an innocent child. The child in you deserved that, the adult in you can recognize she is unloving and uncaring and afraid to address and or discuss it.
Remember, you are a child of the universe, you have a right to be here. She is manipulative and dishonest so it is not about you. Stick with your friends and with those who are loyal and caring. Its the best investment.
nancy
Well. Thanks. She is not a believer in counseling as she has tried snce 1989. I guess there is nothing else left to do. I guess I have to let go. Let the chips fall. I gave 28 years and have lost and become the demon now. I am now sufferng from PTSD from her abuse and can’t function anymore, can’t work from disabilities, and I guess I gave it my best. Maybe she will be blessed in a way she will survive. I have fallen so far into depression that life to me is over. I failed my wife, my career, my own life, and have no friends left and no family as she has no family or friends. She is an abuser like those who raised her were. She has a good part inside her but the abuser has become the dominant personality now.
Thanks though.
God Bless
I don’t think you have failed her at all. She is responsible for her behavior, her life, her counseling needs, her contribution to the marriage. It may be the healthiest thing for you is to move on with your life.
You can make new friends, find new interests, you do not have to be stuck in the past.
nancy
Reading these post make me feel that maybe how my mother has treated me is not that bad because i never was physically beaten or locked in a trash can but my heart still breaks. I google “do mothers always love their children” and i got to this web page.
To explain my mother i would have to right a book. and their is just too much to say. My husband and his family think my mother is horrible for the things she says to me and does. She is one of those that just say things to make your skin crawl. I was married four months ago and have only spoken to my mom maybe four time and she lives only five miles away. I called her maybe three wks after the wedding to try to make nice. I called on a thursday and left a message. on sunday she calls my phone and then tells me ‘oh i called the wrong number” then hangs up. I could make a beautiful dinner for her and she would be the one to say ‘oh you should have added…” not “this is so good, thank you so much. ” I have just always felt that i can not keep my mother happy with me. I keep trying to figure out why she wont call me or why she hasnt ever asked ” how are you? hows married life? hows work ? hows school?” I can not remeber the last time she asked how her daughter is she’ll tell me all about everyone else (even my ex-best friend and her daughter, who she see’s and calls weekly) but will not ask about me and her new son in-law!!!!
This thanksgiving my husband and i got the last invite to their house, a week before thanksgiving when they planned it 3wks earlier. we had already made plans yet we thought it would be nice for us to at least stop by to say hello to my parents and the rest of the family that came up. we should up at 11 and stayed till 2. My mother did not say hardily five words to us until we started our good byes when she went ape shit. she wouldnt give us a huge and she said i was breaking her heart and then she throw the flowers we got her in the street
Am i supposed to be the one to force a relationship with her? I dont know what i am supposed to do. I do know i am so tired of trying to make her happy. I am tired of crying becuase my mother and sister seem to have not interest in having a relationship with me. I have called and have invited them but i am tired of getting hurt when they dont call me or visit or want to do anything with me. IS IT ME? I am afraid that when i have children i wont have that mother to share my special moments with. even though we fight there were times when i felt some love in her heart for me. I am lost. should i just be thankful that my husbands family is amazing and love having me apart of their family, and i should just move on? I need some advise from people that may be or have been where i am
This woman is holding you hostage emotionally. It is not about you, she enjoys punishing you and withholding approval and love. In a similar situation, I cut the strings that bound me, and have never been happier. You have a nice in law family, who apparently recognize she is terrible to you.
I would also recommend counseling to get clear in your mind and heart that this is not your issue but hers. If your in laws and husband find you acceptable and loving, I think you can draw your own conclusions that this is definitely NOT ABOUT YOU, but really her dysfunction.
If you do separate from them, expect the guilt trip to be laid on you, and it is fine to say honestly that they way they treat you is inhumane and you do not intend to further tolerate their abuse. They will sputter and claim this is not true and all the other bs but this is where a counselor can help you understand that they are guilt tripping you because they are embarassed you called a stop to the abuse.
Trust yourself, you have a right to be here, be loved and enjoy nice friendly relationships. Continuing to invite them to bring abuse into your house and home is self destructive. Take care of yourself. It is ok to turn your back on abuse.
n
Hi everybody,
I bookmarked this page a few weeks ago when my 6 year old great nephew was in intensive care. My nephew died since and I wanted to come back to say a few things about his story and my family’s poignant (at least for me) history.
I have two brothers and one sister who are all a lot older than me. I am unwanted child of the family. My mother always made it very clear that she did not want me and would have been more productive if she had a “fart” instead of me. She was never interested in my physical or mental well- being and neglected me, but she did not beat me up.
Thinking back, I don’t think she loved any of her children. She is from a generation that didn’t have access to contraception and saw her children as an unavoidable consequence of being a woman. My bad luck was that I came to her life when she was at a stage she thought she wouldn’t have any more children, so she resented me much more than the others. I was in therapy for a long time and came terms with her story and mine, and felt happy in myself. She lives abroad and I visit her twice a year and we manage not to have any big arguments.
What I found so much harder was to see my niece (my sister’s daughter) have so much hatred for her little boy who has now died. My sister put a lot of pressure on her daughter to have a child quickly. My niece had this son. They lived very close to each other and my sister was heavily involved in his care as well as the rest of the family. I lived far from them all but I understand that my niece started beating up the baby when he didn’t do as he was told, like eating, sleeping when she wanted. I saw them together a few times and found it very difficult to watch them as she was too controlling and the child protested to no end. This child was very much loved by the rest of the family but got no praise from his mother. He so openly craved love from her. Later she had another child that she could love and started comparing them etc. Anyway, my nephew got seriously ill and died. Losing a child can never be easy but what made me more sad was that this child lived six years on this world and got no love from the person he wanted to be loved by. I think I always waited for some change at some point or that he would live with his grandparents and give up on her. But now none of that can happen. Everytime I remember him my heart fills with sadness.
I think my sister’s and niece’s styles of controlling mothering are a reaction to my mother’s lack of interest in her own children. But it still went terribly wrong in the family. Personally I chose not to have children. I work with children and can form very positive relationships with them but I didn’t choose to give birth to any as I don’t trust I am able to love my offspring.
Also, I respect the women who give up a child for adoption instead of making them suffer. I wish my niece had stopped thinking about her image in society and had given up on him as opposed to trying to hide her hatred for him. I think another adult could have cared for him better and not allow his illness to get to this stage and perhaps he would have been alive now.
I am sorry to hear that your life was without mother love. It is a profound loss and I know the journey all too well. You are remarkable in that you have been able to recognize if for what it was, about her, not about you. so many of us internalize it thinking we were the problem.
It is always about unloving parents, rarely do you have a child who does not deserve love, actually, never. Sometimes they grow more and more disruptive in seeking attention but it is not their fault.
Unloving parents leave a hole in our soul. I once wrote a poem called regarding a hole in my soul where my father used to be. He was not in my life either. This kind of wounding has profound effects on the children of unloving parents. So often I wondered if I should have called children’s services myself requesting to go back into foster care. For kids so unloved, they experience the loss and perhaps giving them up to loving foster care or adoptive parents is the best. The losses they feel may be less with loving adoptive parents in their lives.
So sorry to hear about the little boy, your assessment of that family sounds right on in my experience.
Good luck to you
My mother has lived at my house in an in-law apartment for the past 20 years. She recently went into a nursing home. I had promised my Dad before he died that he needn’t worry, I would take care of her which is why she lived with my family. As a child she treated me differently than my brothers and it never got any better. In going through her finances when putting her in a nursing home, I found that she left all of her assets to my two brothers, a small insurance policy to my son, and about $5000 in bonds to my grandson. I was not included. I suspected that was going to happen and thought I had accepted it. I never really took her not liking me personally, that was just her personality. Her sister was the same way with her daughter. But now that I have seen it in black and white, its really bothering me. I still go to the nursing home almost daily to help take care of her and to make sure she is well-taken care of when I’m not there. I am a good daughter and always have been. Its very sad that we all have to go through this emotional abuse. Especially when we are good daughters to our hateful mothers right to the end.
You are exceedingly generous. The same thing happened to me, my brother inherited all of the property. Yet it was me that twice saved her life when inappropriate care was being planned.
There is nothing to do with it to make it better. It is about her, not about you. I suspect you know that. I would let my brothers see to here care. My guess is your dad did not expect you to be excluded. You would still be meeting your dads promise if you over saw your brothers seeing to her care.
You have to do what seems right to you, but you do not have to submit to abuse. You might thing about exploring what has happened to you with counseling. It helped me a lot
You’re right…my dad would be very upset. My mom as a nurse. She was the boss of everybody, even her siblings. She tried her best to run my family while she lived with me and she got away with it a lot in order to keep the peace. She didn’t go to my wedding or baby shower. I think the only reason she went to my wedding was because my dad was still alive and made her go. She suggested while she was visiting relatives in NC that I run away and get married while she and my dad were gone. As she got older, I took her anywhere she wanted to go, including almost daily trips to the grocery story which drove me crazy. I went through a family tragedy with my son without any support from her except for her interfering. I never really felt that I needed counseling until now, I’m sooo ticked off at her. I shouldn’t complain though, my mother problems are nothing compared to what some other people have gone through.
Don’t underestimate the impact of your mothers lack of love. It is a primary wounding in my view. You have managed to transcend that to keep your promise to your father, that is admirable.
You may not need counseling, if you can let go of the anger and recognize not only intellectually, but emotionally that all of this crap is about her and not about you. For me, counseling offered feedback that it was not about me, that the divorce of my family was a healthy thing to do.
She does not deserve all you have done for her, she continues to walk on you and will do so after her death by sharing their assets with the rest of the family and not you. This is so cruel, inhumane, but if you can walk away without anger, rancor and wounding, you are a better woman than I. Good luck to you
I came across this site because I was searching for a reason as to why I don’t love my kids. They are 7,5, and 3. I do care very much about them and I would never hurt them or let anyone else hurt them, but I feel that way about all kids. To me the worst thing a person could ever do is to hurt a child. I take care of them and make sure they have everything they need. I show them affection, cuddle them, and tell them I love them. I just don’t feel it though. I adored them as babies, but I still never felt the love that should have been there. I spoke with my doctors and family and friends about it and was told (probably like everyone else) that the love would come with time, but it hasn’t. It’s not that I don’t like kids because I do. They’re cute and sweet and funny, but I often have the thought “novelty toys” go through my head. I thought maybe I was being selfish because I was young and hadn’t really had a life of my own before I had them. I was never one to party, I never did drugs, and I have worked full time since I was 14. I’m 28 now and I still feel the same. It’s not like I was really giving anything up for them but I feel like I have totally lost myself. I’m not Stephanie anymore, I’m my kids’ mom. I have taken breaks from them thinking that I would miss them, but I never do. No one knows that I still feel this way, not even my husband. Some people say that kids know when you don’t love them but I don’t think that is entirely true. Maybe it’s because I care about them, but they will never know that I don’t love them because I will never do anything to show it. It’s hard to explain exactly how I feel about it. I don’t care about them any more or any less than I do any other child. I would sooner die before I let anyone harm them, but I would also sooner die before I let anyone harm a stranger’s child as well. Kids are so totally dependent on adults and it breaks my heart to ever see or hear about one being abused, but I feel the same way about animals. I just don’t feel particularly attached to my kids I guess. I have often wanted to leave them and their father and just go my own way, but I’m afraid of what it would do to them because then they would know how I felt. It’s a hard thing to wrap your mind around, I know but just because you care doesn’t mean you love. I’ve been searching for a way to “fix” it I suppose. I have never really loved anyone in my life, not even my parents or husband, and I’m beginning to wonder if there is just something wrong with me that keeps me from loving another person. I could easily walk away from them as if I had just been babysitting for the last 7 years and not miss them. I know most of you are children of abusive/unloving parents, but is there anyone possibly reading this that could advise me on what to do? I’ve already checked into therapy/counseling and I cannot afford it unfortunately. Also there are not any free or sliding scale programs in my area. Thanks so much!
I see that you note no great loves in your life at all. There in may lie the problem. But I also wonder if you are feeling a little depression? Treatment will raise circulating serotonen, which is necessary to provide endorphins to the brain. If your own childhood lacked close attachement to your parents, or they were cool and distant, this could have set up a model for you. It would be worth a try to discuss the use of SSRI drugs with your doctor. Also you might try a tryptophan rich diet. Which will also raise circulating endorphins, but not likely enough to ease your feelings.
I commend you for staying in with these children, cuddling loving, communicating with them. The other thing you can do is be sure others who care about them are well involved in their lives. This insures love from multiple sources while you struggle with your own feelings.
Why you do not feel a deep attachment, I cannot say, and I understand counseling funds are limited, but there is a plethora of reading you can do on families, children and love that may be helpful. The only thing I will suggest here is Alice Miller phd’s discussion on enlightened witnesses. It does not apply to you in that the children are abused but rather that there are multiple sources of love available to you kids, which will further ensure they will have all the love they can absorb. Alice Miller has written a number of books on childhood. .
Good luck to you, my heart aches for how you must feel. and I hope you can search out ways of easing your discomfort. If you do not know unconditional love, it is hard to model it or feel it for children.
http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php?page=2
http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Attached-First-Relationships-Capacity/dp/0195115015/ref=sr_1_10?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1293387996&sr=1-10#_
As I searched the literature for the circumstances you are in, mostly I find reference to moms who do not bond with their babies, but reading in this area may be helpful
search words I used failure to bond, attachment disorder (usually brings up kids rather than mom’s)
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/3357276/Mothers-who-cant-bond-with-their-babies.html
http://search.aol.com/aol/search?q=attachment+disorder+in+parents+toward+their+children&s_it=spelling&v_t=client91_searchbox
my sister found this web site on new years day and no one can understand or explain the pain and confusion a child has growing up without a mothers love. she could be bought if she needed something. i am 56 and it never gets easier. i could not understand what was wrong with me. maybe i was to ugly stupid and antisocial. all labels i have always tried to rid myself of. i have been in therapy most of my adult life. most of all i talk to all of my children about their feelings and try to keep an open respective relationship with all three. not perfect but still trying.
It is good that you stopped the cycle with your own children. There is little to be done about the past, except to dismiss it. It was never about you, she was the one who did not love her children. Primal wounding in my mind is the lack of parental love. Neither of my parents were present.
And for a long time I bought into the myth it must have been my fault. No way was it my fault, she was abusive in every way possible, and he was just gone, replaced by a step father who disliked women, showed preference for sons and repeatedly told me how stupid I was.
Some how you have to dump all that “stuff” from your system, it took me a long time, I read voraciously on dysfunctional families, father loss, etc, and gradually came to realized that this crap was never about me. It was outrageous to treat a child like that, and it gave me a sense of freedom when I really came to realize it.
“Motherhood has been glorified to the point that every child born is supposed to be worshipped like the second coming of Christ or else you are a bad mother or at least must have PPD.”
This.
my take on this is, if you are sure you want kids, don’t have them, don’t be bullied into providing grandkids or kids just because everyone is doing it.
My mother did not want me from the moment she got pregnant, and she made it clear.
So I don’t care what society expects of mothers, kids deserve to have parents who love them, otherwise don’t have the,
I’m not sure if I agree. Motherhood is glorified, but normally to the point that mothers are automatically considered to be ‘better’ and more ‘special’ than any childless person, which is not always fair or correct (contrary to popular belief, I know!). I’m not a fan of those extremes. Children don’t need to be worshipped, they need to simply be loved and cared about. If that isn’t possible, there’s only something wrong with you if you don’t want that problem to be fixed, whether by getting yourself help if you think you need it or finding someone in the child’s life who does love them dearly.
I agree society has a tendency to judge childless women, often without knowing whether or not there is a physical problem that prevents pregnancy. Not that the problem is any of their business. Women need to be accepted for who they are, not what they can produce.
I also agree if you cannot love and care for your children, then if you don’t want or try to fix the problem then that I have an issue with.
I’m in my 40’s and I’ve spent my life trying to win my mother’s love. It took me until my 30’s to fully realize that a person shouldn’t have to win the love of their own mother. I was a straight A student, never in trouble, excelled at everything I did, but it never made any difference. I’m lesbian and I think my mother knew that on some level from a very early age, and hated me for it. She ridiculed how I walked, how I dressed, etc. I was a squeaky clean, overachiever as a kid could be. My siblings have broken every church rule in the book: had children out of wedlock, premarital sex, drinking and staying out late, physical abuse of me by siblings. But she never rejected or pushed my 6 siblings away, only me.
I was fired from my job for being gay and I stupidly tried again to turn to my mother for support. She immediately started yelling at me and finally she just said it: “I wish I had never given birth to you!” I can’t really put into words how profoundly this hurts, even though I’ve known for a long time that she doesn’t love me and doesn’t want me in her life at all.
Lots of people say I should “divorce” my family and especially that I should distance myself from my mother. It’s just not that easy. She has 6 other kids that make it easy to reject me; I have only one mother and she is it. I think she is a sick sadist and actually enjoys this power she has to hurt me. I see that now and it is extremely disturbing to see such evil in my mother. I have tried over and over to put this out of my mind, forget about her, and just focus on “moving forward” as they say. But the more I try to put her out of my ind, the more it hurts. Every time I see a good mother, I am reminded of what I know I will never have. Also, every time I look in the mirror, I see her (I look like her). One can never really escape childhood pain on this magnitude. All I ever knew as a child was rejection, insecurity and fear. I think all I can do is try to be compassionate to the pain of others and try to never hurt anyone else the way I’ve been hurt.
I’ve stopped kidding myself that this pain will ever really go away. The mother-child bond is the most important foundation in a person’s life; when it isn’t there, the damage is huge. Just think of how often you hear people gush about their mothers, how their love and help made them who they are…so imagine if that love was hate and rejection instead – who would you be then? That is my situation.
btw, to everyone else, my parents look like good Catholics, fine caring people in every way. They have no idea what kind of sadist my mother really is. Please everyone remember, things aren’t always what they appear to be. Many, many apparently good church going people are anything but decent. And sometimes the black sheep of the family didn’t do anything to deserve rejection. That’s what my life is like. Honest.
It’s exhausting to read all these comments. It brings up so many bad memories. I have no problem with divorcing your parents or siblings. My brother chose to do it with my mother and I certainly understand why. A person can only take so much. I just have not been able to come to that decision myself. And even though he has divorced her, she has still left inheritance to him, but not to me, the one that has stuck by her. Why do we put up with this?
We put up with it, because hope springs eternal. We hope against hope to find ways to fill the whole in our soul that is present from mother/father loss.
We spend much of our lives search for someway to fill the void, we take care of them, we are there for them, and still they push us away. And we try again.
Coming to the decision to walk away is a very personal one. I did it because she was making my life miserable. Every day off she expected me to drive 100 miles to help her in her home with her kids. It just got progressively worse, and I knew I would never find peace unless I severed the ties. I had 10 wonderful years of peace. Pursued my dreams. Never looked back until she showed up at my place of work.
Then we came to a tentative peace. But i set the rules.
She died a few years later. I felt very little pain about it, more relief than anything
I don’t think I put up with it because I’m trying to fill a void. We never really bonded so I don’t miss what I never had. Since she lived with me for the past 20 years, I just looked after her like I would anybody else. I am at peace knowing I took good care of her and would not give her any reason to say otherwise. Thank you for saying you felt little pain after your mother’s passing. I broke my foot two months ago and was not able to visit my mother in the nursing home until this week. I felt a burden had been lifted off my shoulders for those two months. So I had a little taste of that relief and welcomed it.
You did what I did, I took care of my mother in her final days, and it was as if i was caring for any patient i ever had in my career.
The relief is welcome, and deserved. I think I felt a void because up until my parents divorced, my dad was loving and totally involved. When they split I never really saw him aside from a minute at my grandmothers funeral,. So maybe taht was the void I felt. But you are right, she never bonded with me, nor had any loving moments through out my life. So maybe it was not well described as a void
I think some here have voiced a sense of longing for something they saw their sibilings received or their friends got from their parents.
Best of luck to you, you have the rest of your life in front of you. I saw her passing as the first day of the rest of my life and it only got better.
Thank you all! I have stumbled upon this website and it has given me a small glimmer of peace. Knowing that I am not the only one that has had this experience, is a relief. I am now 49 yrs old, and have always wondered, “what did I do to make my mother hate me so much?” Now, I realize that it wasn’t me, it was her. Just as Sally stated, I have spent my entire life trying to win her acceptance, approval, recognition, and ultimately, her love. But all to no avail.
My parents are both still alive and still married to each other and had only 2 children. I was born 2 yrs before my brother and have vivid memories of my mother’s rejection starting at about 5 yrs of age. She may have been rejecting me before that but I don’t remember it. She worshipped my brother and was always concerned with his well-being. There were several years when they spent the evenings sitting on the couch acting like young lovers instead of mother/son (starting when he was about 6 until he was about 11). They would whisper to each other, giggle, tickle, and cuddle for hours. I would be sitting on the couch with them and if I even acted like I wanted a hug or started to get tears in my eyes because I was being ignored, she would say something like, “it’s time for bed, go brush your teeth.” Meanwhile, my (younger) brother would stay up with her – not sure how late because I was sent to bed. This is just one example – I could cite many, many others.
My father was never hurtful like her. He tried as best he could to make up for what she didn’t give – her love, affection, attention – because he saw it and recognized that I needed it. But he never (to my knowledge) spoke to her or encouraged her to bond with me. He is still the one I go to when I need to talk about anything – Thanksgiving plans, Christmas plans, etc. Of course, this has built even more resentment from my mother. So much so, that a few years ago, Dad was in ICU in the hospital and she didn’t even call me. (Five days after he was admitted, my uncle called to tell me about it.)
Our relationship has always been strained and mostly civil, until recently. Recent events ( too long and numerous to elaborate) have forced me to finally make the decision to detach from my mother. This will not be difficult considering that we never had a real relationship in the first place.
I could go on and on and on about the things that I have endured, and how it has negatively affected me and my life but there’s not enough space here. It just want to say it makes me feel more “normal” to know that I am not the only one.
Kimberly, reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Even though I am 70 years old and my parents have been gone for 20 years, I think I know your pain.
Separating from an abusive mother was the most healthy thing i ever did for myself. My father was married to another woman who hated me, and my step father was abusive verbally and psychologically.
Standing alone against this profound rejection, was at times overwhelming. The saving grace was my paternal grandmother, who flat out loved and gave me positive feedback. She was a teacher in rural Oregon when she first graduated from school, and even though she was many years away from that by the time I came a long she taught and mentored me regularly.
You might ask your uncles to keep you abreast of your father’s health. It is clear your mother will not do that.
One of the themes we see in this site is often a brother favored over a girl sibling. In years past, boys were much favored, had more freedom to do things with their lives. It may be such an event took place in your family. The interesting thing would be what your mother’s childhood was like, in terms of understanding and further enhancing your recognition that your mothers rejection of you really has nothing to do with you. Was she disliked by her mother or was her brother a favored child, ws she abused, dismissed, ignored, etc?
It is reasonable to never expect your mother to change, she has persisted this behavior for 49 years. But you need to carry with you, the fact that you have a right to be here, and are valuable and loved by your father.
I would not resent your fathers failure to take her on, the dynamics of life as a couple no doubt made it impossible for him to advocate for you directly. My guess would be they talked about it and he was made to understand things were not going to be different. That may be why he looked after you as best he could.
Good luck to you, I wish you peace, and understanding. It is not an easy position to be in, but I think your choice to sever is a healthy one.
Nancy
Nancy,
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement! They mean a lot and help more than you know.
At this point in my life, after making the decision to detach, I am trying to cope with my feelings of anger and resentment for a life wasted. Her determined efforts to put me down, criticize my every action, and demonstration of complete apathy for my emotional needs were very damaging to my self-esteem.
I had (and to some degree still have) a beautiful singing voice. I won trophies and ribbons, and was encouraged by my peers to pursue a career in music. However, my mother only had negative things to say about that and advised me to “do something practical” as a career. Meanwhile, my brother got her support and encouragement on every endeavor – no matter what it was. I gave up my dream of music and went to college to become a lab technician (I told the college counselor to pick something for me).
I am now 50 yrs old and hate my job, my life, and really don’t see much prospect for a bright future. I will never be able to re-live the years that I lost. I will never know if I could have been the “next Barbra” or the “next Madonna”, etc. I was not allowed the opportunity. So how do I deal with the anger? pain of loss? resentment for her control over my career choice? my wasted years?
She made me believe that I was truly not worth loving. I have 4 failed marriages because of my lack of emotional ability to deal with any kind of intimacy. And I always picked men that had problems of their own, so that I would feel useful trying to “fix” them. I have tried seeing a psychiatrist and a psycologist (on separate occasions) in the past but not with much success. I am a mess and know that I need help but don’t know if I have the strength to go to doctor after doctor explaining the situation until I find one that can help me. And I get tired of telling this story because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, or pity the “poor old woman that nobody loves”. As you can read in my words, the wounds are still very raw and sensitive. I just wish I knew where to turn, and if it would really make a difference.
I’m naive, but first, do you have friends at work or people who could be friends with you even if you don’t like your job? Also, are you a regular at any coffeeshop, library or restaurant? You may have far more friends than you realise and won’t end up being the ‘poor old woman’, maybe they’re just not being forward enough about it. I’m a 21 year-old Nursing student/ waitress in Australia, and I have those feelings about my kindest regulars.
And to show I’m even more naive, it may not be too late for you to have some sort of career in the music industry. Frank Sinatra was a late bloomer, and times have changed so that women who are middle-aged can grasp some more power back for themselves- even if only to have their own life. The very worst that can happen is that you review music for the local paper, teach other little girls that they can pursue such dreams or star in community musical theatre in your spare time- I think the latter always needs more people! Even if some people don’t call that a career, a few more people in the world will see the best of you and be better off for it.
Also, about ‘being a mess’- you seem to have very good insight about your marriages, so you’re definitely not a complete mess! I wish I knew what to say about finding a counsellor, I’m only starting to do that myself. Good luck with whatever you try next.
Kimberly, how are you getting along?
Iris,
Thank you for taking the time to respond. And, no, I don’t think you are naive, but you are a woman that can see the “sunshine through the rain”! That is a quality I need to develop.
I know it sounds like self-pity but I don’t want a second-best career. Does that make sense? I don’t want to settle for “sloppy seconds”. You know………”if I can’t be the star of the show, at least I can clean the theater.” That may be a selfish attitude but it is the way I feel. I might have been the star but I will never know because I was never allowed the chance to find out.
And it is the anger and resentment of that situation that I need to let go of. But I don’t know how. I’ve tried to pretend all these years that it was “no big deal”, when it really is!! She belittle, berated, and put me down so often that I don’t have any self-esteem. I couldn’t stand up for myself when it was time to go to college and make a careet choice because in my growing-up years, every time I tried to make a decision for myself or stand up for myself, she would either verbally or physically knock me down. Sometimes the put-down was subtle – “maybe you’ll lose some weight when you start menstruating” – or much more obvious – “how could you be so stupid? I can’t believe you are such an idiot!!”
What I need is a way to deal with my anger and resentment. And some encouragement that there is a reason to live. Hollywood doesn’t want 50 yr old actresses, and community theater is for those that didn’t make it in Hollywood. If I had ended up in community theater after trying to make it in Hollywood, then it would’ve been “meant to be”. I feel like I was cheated, robbed, or had my future stolen from me. And it’s the anger that I need to get rid of because it is destroying my life. And I REALLY need to learn to like/love myself. It’s easy to say it but extremely difficult to believe…..especially when you have been programmed from birth to believe you are worthless. How do you re-pregram your mind to believe that everything you were taught was a lie?? She was my mother, so she must know what she’s talking about! (sarcastic remark) She was the “grown-up” that I had to look-up to and rely on. When you are 5, 6, 7, 9, 11 years old, you look to your parents for advice, guidance, love, support, encouragement, and acceptance. When one (my mom) is actively destroying you and the other (my dad) is too weak or just unable to stop her from doing it, then you have no choice but to believe her.
Anyway………………I’m rambling. I am grateful for this space to let some of this out – “into the sunshine”! It’s going to be a long journey but I have to deal with the pain and anger before it kills me.
Well, see there is this lady named Susan Boyle. Seriously have you considered following your heart in terms of your music? It is your life, live your best life, follow what makes you happy
Nancy
My mother has never had a emotional bond with me. she has left me so many time I cant count. I have two kids and experienced such an emotional and overwhelming bond with both of my children. they are my life. my reason for being
You are a remarkable human being who can look at your own experience, and create something far better for your children. You had not mother daughter bond to draw from and yet you are remarkablly successful.
Congratulations to you, and enjoy your children, knowing you are providing them extraordinary skills and tools to go forth in their lives.
nancy
I couldn’t have said it better myself Alexandra. I also ‘broke the cycle’. We are not alone, its sad to realize how many out there really are emotionally abandoned by their mothers.
The important thing is that you have a bond with your children, they will look back on their youth and know they could count on you, you never abandoned them and always had love for them.
((((( Hugs ))))) to all the sisters of the nonreciprocating heart.
I found this site because I typed in “I never loved my mother.” I didn’t find any sites that matched. I don’t know how unique my situation is. My mother tried to love me but I couldn’t let her close. I was terrified because she was schizophrenic. I felt like if I did so I would be consummed by her. I’m almost 50 and still feel the loss of a loving childhood.
Lonesime John,
I understand how you feel my father was a schizophrenic and i always tried to not love him but in reality i loved him more than my mother.
JUst for the fact of i’m a schizophernic as well.
It’s hard for me as becoming a mum at 17 whilst also having schizophernia, i’ve found it hard to bond with my 18month old daughter as i’m scared of hurting. upsetting her like my dad did.
I’m also scared of loving my mother as i was abused and raped as a child whilst in there care. It was to my fathers close friend and that has put a strain on my and my fiancee’s relationship as i am resistant to intamicy with him.
I think i resent my mother for loving my older sister and younger brother more than me. It’s obvious she does as she rarely spends time talking or seeing me and whilst i was pregnant i went through most of it alone as my ‘friends’ couldn’t care less about me.
I live alone and just could never understand why my mother never cared about me and i don’t want to turn into her with my daughter.
It’s just hard for me to let her get close to me as i’ve had many abusive relationships and i am a sufferer of dosmetic abuse at the moment.
This page has shown me i’m not alone and i’m thankful for having people feel the same.
Chelsea x
Schizophrenia is a terrifying disease to kids whose parents suffer with it. There is no explaining it to children, nor making p for the holes it put in their souls.
You can however, be sure you take your meds, find a support group for young parents, and love your child., There may be information at your publich health department on support groups for parents.
Don’t assume you will be a bad parent because you were parented badly. Often children of abuse are able to make a much better life for their children. We know what we don’t want our children to suffer. You can be proud of your self for verbalizing your concerns, the next step is to find support outside of the family for your parenting, your own abuse.
Most County health services also have counseling for victims of sex abuse, and it does help to deal with it in counseling, so I encourage you to pursue that,
Good luck to you and let us know how things go
I’m interested in this subject. i’m from the us. i was abused as a child by my mother and grew up in foster homes. i lived in 13 homes in all. people who don’t understand tell me my mother was crazy and she was, she was a paranoid schitzophrenic. They try to make it seem like she would have loved me if she wasn’t crazy. She’s told me herself that she didn’t love me, she didn’t bond with me when i was a child and she suffered PPD. I know she didn’t love me and she knows she didn’t love me it’s other people that can’t seem to wrap their minds around the concept of a mother not loving her child. For years i struggled with the problem but i’m in the process of forgiving her. Forgiveness is tricky because it doesn’t happen all at once like they show it in the movies. its a daily thing that you have to make a commitment to. at times the feelings of forgiveness seem complete and total and then the next day the resentment comes back so you have to keep at it. it’s not just a one time event. you may actually have to forgive a person who has wronged you every day for the rest of your life, and you have to commit to that. anyway what i think is a scandal is this whole idea that a mother naturally loves her child. i would guess that the actual percentage of mothers who don’t love their own children is between 15 and 20 percent. Sometimes they bond with some of their children and not others. i’m sorry but you can’t force love. if a mother doesn’t love her child she doesn’t love it. i’m okay with the fact that my mother doesn’t love me but i struggled for years because i thought there was something wrong with me. i think its a reality that people need to accept and then try to deal with as best as they can once they are able to face it. the mothers shouldn’t have to live in shame and guilt and the children shouldn’t have to live in shame and guilt. people should talk about it more so they know that it is a phenomenon. you shouldn’t be shocked that a mother doesn’t lover her child. it’s more common then we admit. We act like women have some kind of magical force that makes them automatically love their child. its really just ridiculous and irrational thinking because the evidence contradicts it. its more distorted by the fact that women who don’t love their children try to compensate for it or try to pretend they do so that they are not blamed. if your a mother and you don’t love your child i just want to say it’s okay, but please realize it doesn’t give you the right to abuse your child. get counseling, talk about it, deal with it. if your the child of someone and suspect your mother didn’t love you, your not alone, but you got to let go of your anger and resentment for your own sake. Again talk about it and deal with it.
Good luck.
brian jones.
Brian, good luck to you. You are right that forgiveness is tricky, it takes time to process. I also recognize the validity of your comment about mothers bonding with some and not other kids.. It makes those of us who were unloved, unwanted and actively abused begin to think we are the problem that we were or are unloveable.
It never was about us, we were not unloveable, unwanted maybe, but we deserved to be loved and cared for. All we can do it try to create love in our own lives and be sure that any children we bring into the world are loved, cared for, and wanted.
Congratulations for your journey of trying to understand your experiences. Again it is not about you, you are fine!!
I’m 29 adopted. When I will see my biological mother it seem like she see right pass me. She have no love for me at all. I was the youngest of four. She kept the other three. But one thing I don’t understand about these kind of mothers is that how in the hell you going expect love from the child you gave birth to when you never show that child any love at all??? I never could understand it. I have no feelings toward my biological mother what so ever because I never receive any love from her but resentment. By me being a christian, its a tough task to try to love her in spite of her cold heartedness. I would like for some women(who hate kids) to sit back and put themselves in a position as how to feel if their mothers didn’t want them or wish they have gotten an abortion when they were pregnant with them. Remember you were kids too! No child are born asking their mother to be on this planet earth. Like someone said early make sure you take your birth control and stay on top of it. Because right now I’m still going through the pain of the rejection. Everytime I come across my biological mother AND siblings, its drama.
Why keep them in your life? Think about that, toxic things deserve to be dismissed. Going back just gives her more opportunity to be unloving, unkind, and plain old rude.
Her rejection of you was never about you. But some defect in her heart that she could turn away a tender child without bonding or loving. You do not have to be present in her life to send love and forgiveness there. Continuing to put your own heart in harms way is detrimental to you.
Please turn your love and caring to your adopted parents, your church, yourself. Let the others flow away. And one thing that helped my was counseling with a female therapist, not church related. Ministers can sometimes push you toward forgiving and loving the abusers, which is again detrimental to you. Good luck to you, and try to let your toxic relatives be. It will help you in the long run
I hate to say it because I do truly understand your pain at seeing your mother favor your siblings. I am the oldest of three, but I am the one she never seemed to give a crap about. From a different perspective, I wish she would have given me up for adoption. In all honesty I found it hell having to spend my youth in the home and care of a woman who never gave a damn about me.
Hopefully your adoptive family show you the compassion and love you need and deserve. Nancy has some great advice too. God is there for us in all things, and never gives us more than we can handle. I think in some ways he pushes our endurance just to see if we truly will trust in him and ask for his help.
It is hard, it will remain a thorn in your heart but there are ways to get through it and beyond the hurt. I hope you find peace.
Karen, I agree, and I wondered later in life why as a kid who knew i was being abuse, I did not go to children’s services myself and ask for placement. I had already been there once.
And you are right with work, you can get beyond the hurt by dealing with it in many different ways. I saw many therapists, did a lot of body work, read voraciously, and finally found peace. the pain of abuse by my mother and abandonment by my dad have gradually lessened/
Well, my mother:
* Didn’t want to hug me because she said it made her feel like a lesbian, but used to grab my breasts and bottom (???) BTW she was molested on 2 different occasions as a kid – and beaten by her mother as a result – my father was also molested – so that may have something to do with their controlling attitude towards me as a child and their odd sexual behaviours (mother – frigid, hating men, father – womanising).
* Told me she’d rather have animals than have me. I understood that she did not like me from about the age of 4 or 5. This was as I grew older and expressed viewpoints that were different to her own, and began to look more like my father. She used to let the cat cr*p behind the curtains, but brooded all day when I left a crumb on the kitchen sideboard (go figure). She used to flick rabbit droppings across the room in merriment – whilst leaving my and my father’s clothes unwashed for up to 6 weeks (she would not allow me to use to washing machine or cooker) whilst she lay in bed all day. The woman is as crazy as a box of frogs. She has never sought professional help, whilst simultaneously telling medical professionals that I was mentally disordered.
* Extremely lazy/ manipulative and huge sense of entitlement – acting like a queen (obvious NPD in spades) – lives in a 4 bedroom house which my father is paying for and when she first went to look at it, commented that it wasn’t good enough for her – the estate agent gave her a look that apparently made her feel small – so apparently she does know what she is doing to some degree.
*Thick as a plank (whilst calling everyone else stupid). And I do mean here that she is REALLY stupid – if you knew her you could relate. I can’t stand to be in communication with her because I can’t listen to the self-involved BS that comes out of her mouth.
* Kept my communication with her side of the family brief, acted as though I were an “embarrassment”. I don’t know what they think of her but it’s possible they may have a pretty good idea – she hasn’t been to see them in years and I don’t honestly think her brothers are too impressed with her.
* Was very jealous of the relationship between my father and me, and especially detested the fact that I looked like him (and that my personality is similar to his – more outgoing/ technical/ logical brain). Sought to drive a wedge between us (and admitted it). My father and I had several physical fights when I was a teenager as a result (we ended up breaking each other’s noses). This has all had the longterm effect of making me like my father much more than her, which was the very opposite to what she intended. She has comprehensively shot herself in the foot.
* Used to say to me “You need me. I don’t need you” when I was a child. I have consequently made it expressly clear in recent years that I will be providing neither monetary income nor care for her in her old age, and that she will have to rely on her siblings and her side of the family when my father passes on (he is still providing for her despite the fact they are separated and she actually did very little to look after him either from an emotional or spiritual point of view).
* She never wanted children and the first years of her and my father’s marriage were childless. Then when her father died she was told that if she wanted children she had better get her skates on. My ex-husband was horrified by the way she talked about me, almost as if I were an experiment. Whenever I achieved something, it was always “oh didn’t I (as in she) do a good job”.
* I had to listen to my mother’s woes and how bad a man my father was throughout my teenage years. I did not have a relationship until I was 23. My own relationships since have been difficult and I have always seemed to attract people who just want to pick a fight, are very needy or have huge problems – there are codependency issues as there were with my mother. I personally find it hard to even have a close relationship, let alone even think about having children, as I am highly neurotic and sensitive and can’t cope with the slightest criticism or disagreement. I can cope with it at work and to some degree socially, but not in a close relationship. I don’t really know how to get over that one. I am terrified of having another relationship again because of all the drama and naturally I will have to explain to them about my mother and broken family and they will see me as damaged, despite the fact that I do actually manage my life quite well under the circumstances and try to keep a realistic and rational viewpoint of what is going on that can somehow be presented in a palatable form to others.
I keep myself desperately busy so that I won’t have to think about how sh*t I really feel, and I direct my efforts towards the community and groups rather than one person. The result of this is that I have a lot of acquaintances, but right now I have absolutely no-one I can actually sit down and have a really good talk to for longer than 10 minutes. My father doesn’t talk on the phone for longer than 5-10 minutes as he is always busy and so is everyone else. Still, I suppose it’s better than feeling sorry for myself. It’s good to talk to some of my single peers from time to time. I get on with them better than I did in my teens and 20s and it seems that many are going through similar problems with one or another parent. It seems that many of us could be single for that reason. Who knows?
I was reading one of David Icke’s books recently and he talks about how life and emotions are all just a hologram and programming – and stepping outside that programming has kinda helped me, more so than a counsellor would; if everything is a hologram, why get upset about it LOL!! I have never felt when talking to a counsellor that they are able to extend help any further than just listening- it doesn’t really get to the root of the problem. I find the Net more helpful, if I’m being honest. One of my friends who I have talked to about this finds this view of mine disturbing, but I say it’s all well and good if it helps me and means that I can go through life without doing something drastic.
I’m 36 going on 37, by the way.
Oh BTW I circulate in almost exclusively all-male environments – I have huge problems relating to other women, I find that men make better friends. I was put in an all-girls’ school from the age of 4 to 14 by my parents because they, with their warped thinking, were again afraid of the “sexual” element. I never got on with the other girls either there or at fashion college and now just tend to avoid women as close friends as they are too much into silly game-playing – they never call me or make any effort for example (JUST like my mother). Men are much more outgoing, interesting, and actually offer practical solutions to problems when you discuss them, rather than being secretly pleased when your problems are worse than theirs, and pratting about with all sorts of stupid little one-upmanships (cough cough). This I believe all stems from my mother. I don’t want to blame her for everything but it’s true. I try to see the good side of women but it is hard, really hard sometimes.
Yes I have thought about the issue of “why should a mother love her child” as yeah, we are all just animals at the end of the day and why should we necessarily love our children and sometimes we are not able to HELP not loving our children…but then of course the obvious answer comes back – why have them if you don’t really want them? Heck, it is such an effort to HAVE a child in the first place, and then for someone to turn round and imply that they don’t really want them? WTF?
It’s funny with my father, he wanted children, then had an affair when I was 18 months old (I initially believed, because of me – as my mother would have had me believe. I now believe it was due to my mother’s behaviour – she has a VERY good way of making people feel unwanted and I believe it was this behaviour more than anything else that drove him away). He came back in the end and I think as I grew older he quite grew to like me. I don’t think he likes other people’s children very much – he certainly doesn’t like his partner’s grandchildren, but he likes me because there is a sort of unconditional love between us.
There is a couple at a social group I go to, the conception of the child was a very complicated procedure and one that I won’t go into here – but now (because the husband is a stay-at-home husband) – they are both complaining about how naughty and noisy the child is and I really have to bite my tongue, because it makes my blood boil that they went to all this effort to get the kid and don’t really seem to want to confront the issues of raising him with any sort of developed understanding.
Calm down, I say…their problem, not mine…
Well, you are about the same age as I was when I started an intensive review of my past. I spent a lot of time in counseling and found it to be helpful. Mostly airing the mistreatment and saying the things that werre done to me aloud helped me understand it was not about me. I have friends of both sexes, but tend to be a loner as I am more comfortable in that venue.
I garden, enjoy bird watching and photography as well as fishing. All solitary sports. I would encourage you to consider a therapist, as I have been able to free myself with the pain of a non-committed set of parents.
Nancy therapy does not work for me unfortunately because if I deal with the hurt directly it will always be there, it reiterates the problem too much, none of the therapists I have been to have any experience whatever in mother-daughter relationships and I cannot pay for the best. For me it is much better to use the Web, abstract visualization techniques (as I describe with David Icke, above) or other activities to take my mind off things.
I have got to the stage in my life where I participate in group activities and contribute very positively in a group setting, but I don’t care about people all that much, because if I died tomorrow, despite the fact I am a colourful and entertaining personality, and cheerful on the surface, the fact is that no-one would miss me. And I’m not saying that because I want people to feel sorry for me, I’m saying it because it’s fact.
Still, more might miss me than miss my mother – she has never done anything for anybody – though who’s counting LOL!!
Dear God! i am one of the unfortunate who found this site because i was not loved by my own mother. i never knew so many people were going through this. what hurts me most, is that my mother had 9 children and i was the only one she didn’t want! if there were only two of us and i wasn’t the favorite, i think it might have been easier, but 9?? where does one go to heal?
Healing is hard work, but worth it in my mind. I started with a psychologist who was confrontive and wanted anger expression, It was the wrong thing for me. I eventually ended up with a counselor who was a social worker with counseling in family therapy. It was helpful, but it was hard work.
You revisit the feelings and experiences but by sharing them and talking about them and crying tears that you feel, you lessen the impact of the abuse. You eventually come to recognize it was not your fault, and it was not even about you. You did not decide to be born, and you were not unloveable. What ever was going on with your mother and father were teh issues. Not you.
…my heart is breaking for you all. I am ashamed of ‘my story’ but don’t know what to do with ‘it.’ My eldest daughter was the gem in my life (grades, truthful, and very decent human being)…and when my middle child arrived, (also a girl) I assumed all would be happy and fine-and it was for the first few years. But as she has matured (age 13 now) she has chosen every wrong path choice placed in front of her. Seriously, i’ve been called by the ‘school’ to come and get her for various ‘inappropriate’ behaviors numerous times. It’s to the point that when our main telephone rings-I JUST FREEZE UP. I DON”T like the way she dresses….i DON”T like her selection of friends…..I DON”T like her constant menagerie of lies-lies-lies-lies. It’s so awefully embarrassing and degrading to me as her mother. Yep-you bet I take it personally. Yes she’s seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist….YES, my husband and I are going overboard letting her involve herself in sports and such that we didn’t have the time/funding for the other 2 kids. But is this fair to lower the ‘bar’ to appease her??? I am just plain tapped out and feel absolutely NOTHING for her. NOTHING. Thank God for my son (eldest daughter in college) or I think I would have ‘jumped’ long ago. It’s hard to feel the ‘warm n fuzzies’ when you just get beat-up with nothing in return. I’m officially detatched as a survival mechanism…….and nope, I don’t like her at all. Today she put her arm around me and i truly ‘flinched’……don’t know/understand where we went so very wrong….
I would suggest family counseling as a place to consider starting. She may feel unable to compete with your first child, and acting out for attention.
It could help explain her behavior, and help her change it. I also think you might want to explore your feelings alone with a therapist, to determine if you can put them aside to mother this child as things or if things improve.
Children know when they are not loved but you may have battle fatigue rather than loss of attachement. I only know that not being loved is a lifelong injury and if there is a way to improve things, i think you both will benefit
Ola.Tenho 31 anos,brasileira da cidade de São Paulo e desde que me lembro não sei o que é amor de mãe.Tenho um irmão 3 anos mais novo(ela sempre faz tudo que ele quer).Ela chegou a prejudicar meus estudos,cursos para agradá lo.Se ele faz algo errado,eu levo a culpa…..
Mas a uns anos atras,ela confessou que eu atrapalhei o futuro dela,que ia se casar com um advogado rico e que agora ias ter que ficar casada com um pobretão( porque meu pai não deixou ela me abortar).Desde então me humilha,persegue,menti a meu respeito para as pessoas,não me deixou brincar com outras crianças na infancia…Tudo que dá errado na vida dela e do meu irmão a culpa é minha.Hoje sou uma pessoa antisocial,deprimida,com forte baixa estima,sozinha…..E pior que nimguém acredita em mim,todos acham que ela é perfeita.Somente quem convive com ela sabe o verdadeiro caráter que ela possui……E ela admitiu que eu vou pagar ela por tudo que fiz….Tudo o que?Ter nascido?Não pedir por isso,ela deveria ter abortado…E não por filho no mundo para ser torturado psicológicamente……..
obrigada.
It is never the fault of teh child when a parent does not love them. It is about the parent, not the child.
It is hard to live a life absent of parental love. One can create a loving life of their own, but going back to try to create a relationship with a parent who does not love you, is likely impossible.
I would get caller ID and shut the answering machine off. That way you can see who called and return their call, but not have teh nasty messages left from your mom.
Have you considered cutting her out of yoru life? She is using you as a punching bag, and you are wanting her to love you. You keep trying for the impossible dream. She sounds like an evil woman, who did not want you as a child, and does not want you now except to beat up on. I would seek counseling, but I would and also did, simply walk away. Unlisted my phone, returned mail unopened, then eventually moved away with no forwarding address.
life got so much better
I think its a disturbing trend, my 1st wife did not want Kids, period, my last admited a couple years ago that she didnt want kids eigther, and even today pays little if any attention to them or our 13 yr old daughter whom I have raised since she was born. Now that I am in poor health, and less days ahead than behind, I fear for her future, and can only hope that Ive raised her well, as she will have to contend with her mothers problems sooner or latter. I just dont see an aswer to this problem, it took me by surprise in my case. It just dont make sense at times. Her mother is an alchololic, drugs and men, even if she is married.
I feel for you Indianastarman.
I think all parents worry about whether they’ve done right by their children, well those of us who welcome parenthood that is. Thankfully your daughter is not extremely young, and has aged enough to understand the reality of the situation. You love her enough I’m sure to help buffer some of the neglect she gets from her mother. Recovering from not having either parent is a huge undertaking.
I would assume the mother is non responsive to any suggestions to do therapy, rehab, or …something in a positive direction?
is there no other choice for the child’s continued care when you cannot provide? Aunts, grandparents, others who may care for her with greater love? Your situation is a difficult one, but I hope your child knows your feelings of concern and hope for her future. That you have raised her with love and care and hope she will remember those feelings as she goes forward with her life.
When parents grow in their criticism, it may be time to divorce them. I did that after a horrendous time with my mother, and we were estranged for 10 yrs. Happiest 10 yrs of my life. There was a reconciliation because she wanted it, but she wanted it because she was embarassed when her friends asked about how I was doing and where I was working. She had no idea where I was or what I was doing. Took her a while to find me. She never did love me but she quit criticizing me. I don’t know if it will work for you, but it is ok to walk away from abusive people. It has notihing to do with you, and it is all about them.
You do not have to submit to it, it is ok to let those she “loves” so dearly, interact with her, or with both of them. Focus on your career, on your own life and spend some time working with disadvantaged kids. It will give you a sense of whether or not you can love a child. Unfortunately for me, I loved children to death but could not have any. So I try to interact with kids in other ways.
I have been working on truly finding forgiveness inside myself towards my mother, instead of just saying it…you know? It’s been really hard though. My Uncle put his self into the situation and tried to ‘talk’ to her about the estrangement and was told flat out she had nothing to say to me and had no desire to see or talk to me for any reason. Although I was not surprised and more or less feel the same way, it still hurt. Call me a masochist …. I still foolishly wish I had a mother, not a egg donor.
But ….
God does NOT put any burden on us that we cannot handle. Before we were our parents children we were HIS and he WILL always love us.
I keep telling myself that and know that one day I will find the ability to forgive my mother and anyone else who’s ever done me wrong from the absolute bottom of my heart. After all one day we all have to answer for what we’ve done in our lives, including her. She can’t lie and play ignorant with Saint Pete 🙂
You can forgive and not continue to permit the abuses. Me, I forgave her on her death bed. She awoke 10 miins before she died and said over and over she was so sorry. No explanation, just wanted to know it was ok before she died. I gave her that, but it was no consolation to me. It was simply a gift so she could die with a clean mind.
I spent sometime in therapy, but nothing back fills the hole in your soul as an unloved child. Rather you try to find ways to live your life seeking joy and comfort. Letting the past go is difficult but worth the effort
Nancy
Just wanted to say how thoughtful and supportive you are on the comment thread that has emerged on this post.
If you ever start your own on-line support network/community forum (something you might want to consider given the enormous demand for this topic and the obvious skills you have in directing such a discussion) let me know and I would be happy to point traffic towards that spot for you. In the meantime, thank you for being there for those readers who find their way to my site via this post.
Best wishes
Thank you for your kind comments. I guess the pain others feel on this issue, is so apparent because of my own circumstances. It has been far better to find ways to live a life, than to be paralyzed by the hatred.
I don’t know too much about establishing an on line support network, but find this forum healthy as i can see I am not alone in this journey. This thread certainly touched a nerve
Nancy
good point, Nancy always has a kind and supportive word for everyone. And yes this thread did touch a nerve Nancy. There is solidarity in numbers, and this thread has made the point … we are not alone.
Wow, I am amazed at all the comments. I was raised by a mom who never loved me, used coat hangers and jumped off counters to get rid of me but I held on! At 12 she told me she wished I’d never been born and if I had to be born why couldn’t I at least have been a boy! Yeh, like it was my choice after all. So here I am still trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and the therapist tells me my mom NEVER bonded with me, what?? How?? Blew my mid completely. She adored my brothers, all older. I was the 5th of 5 and the only girl. Another girl with my stepnot father 10 years after me was also loved. WHY? My daddy died when I was 8 and he loved me, my saving grace. My mother was abusive, mean, and I guess very unhappy! I cannot feel sorry for her, yet anyway. I am in therapy (again!) and I feel like I have the right person on my side, she is a great therapist. Thanks for reading. Blessings.
It is good you have a therapist that is really good. Are you close to your siblings?
I tried therapy years ago, he suggested I break ties with my mother/father/siblings/step father, etc. I did not listen and regretted it. I wonder about everyone else tho with siblings, is it possible to have a relationship with siblings when the parent obviously does not want a relationship. I think it would be easier to cope if there was some connection with someone in the family, to know someone is ‘on your side’. I am the oldest of my mothers children, we all have different fathers, yet my son and me are the only ones shunned by my mother. None of us understand the ‘Why?’, if we did I think we would be able to at least try to make sense of it all. I hope you find peace in your life, it sounds like you’ve suffered a great deal.
Dee, in past generations boys were favored, they had more freedom, were more acceptable, were more valuable to the family as they could help with chores on the farm, etc etc. But they moved through society with ease, while girls were “likely to get pregnant and be a burden” , Many women I have talked to wished they were boys, as they saw the perferential treatments their brothers and male cousins received.
But on the other hand, where would anyone be without wives and mothers
I’m struck by how many cases are of the favorites being male children while the abused and neglected of the family are female. What can help us understand this phenomenon is not merely the psychology of attachment, but the misogyny and sexism of the parents, as well.
Very well put.
I’m not sure I don’t love my son, but I know I do not like him. I’m 54, he’s 23 and we batlle at every trurn. I would not choose him as a friend, not at all. He is not physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally. He uses me and his father to no end.
I realize I am an enabler in many ways, but this has got to stop. I am a pretty unassertive person-he quite full of rage. I am making some headway recently but want him out of my life-at least temporarily-at least until he grows up.
You might consider a family counselor, who can guide you in getting the break you need without enraging him. If he feels threatened (losing what ever he is getting from you now, ) he could get more difficult. How does his father feel about taking a break from him?
Good luck to you, and I hope it goes well. Do let us know
You are the one who raised that child. So something must have gone wrong at your side. He is full of rage? Then why is he full of rage? Something doesnt lay good between the 2 of you, find it. He has grown up, on his own way.. 23 you said. He must feel that he is unloved.. And like the comment beneath this one.. nothing is as horrible as that ^_^
It is easy to blame the mother when a child is asocial. It is one thing for a mother to abandon her child thru withholding love and nurture. If that is not the case, then the rage of a son may stem from something else.
Withholding love for a child certainly has long term impact, including insecurities in the child, let alone asocial behavior.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is accepting responsibility for a relationship gone bad. We all know the old saying it takes two to tango. That applies to all relationships. It won’t work unless you work at it, even with your kids. You can’t expect your kids to be perfect anymore than children can expect parents to be perfect, if nothing else comes from this discussion board nothing else will. He may feel you both ‘owe’ him something because of a lack of emotional support when he was growing up, either way there’s obviously something going on there. If you ever cared about your son you will make the effort to try and discover the unresolved issues.
+10 for that Karen..
Hi. I think Nancy’s idea is a good one, but when you say he uses you, what exactly does he do? Does he demand money, have severe expectations (like he expects dinner as soon as he wants it)? Because I don’t know much about the context, I’m not sure, but if he’s lived with you and has never tried to live outside of home, maybe it’s time for him to do that (making sure he knows how to complete chores and not starve, of course!). I know that I sometimes get resentful now and then when I live with my family, though I try to get over it.
I say this because my brother was like this at a similar age and he was annoyed because he felt our warring parents robbed us of a normal family life, he was pushing himself very hard because he didn’t want the same dire financial state our father’s poor decisions left us in and strangely enough, was ‘spoilt’ (he was very demanding, critical and downright mean and he wasn’t called on it for when he was a child). And he was the favourite of both parents. That is one example about how a child that was otherwise well-loved can grow up full of rage.
This is sad. Do you even know how your daughter might feel? Yea, not very nice for you either, but you are the one who got a kid, and now you are responsible for her. If you like it or not. I know someone, as close as a little sister, who has parents who do not love her. She cuts her wrists out of depression and other things I do not wish to tell. Please realise that what you think or are doing, even small actions, can make that child miserable. You are responsible, so find a good solution. Nothing is as horrible as not loving parents who find their children a stone in their shoe
One of the things we need to protect ourselves from, it trying over and over creating repeated opportunities to be shunned and reminded how much we are not loved. Sometimes we have to excuse ourselves from the abusing non loving parent or other, and get on with life instead of being a continual punching bag
I have searched the internet for years on the subject of “sibling abuse” and just discovered, from this forum, that the whole time, I was looking in the wrong place! Because, even though I was abused mentally, physically, (NOT sexually), and emotionally by an older brother my whole life, the right of passage, he aquired to do this to me, came from my mother. I am in my 40’s. I had two older brothers. One was absolutely adored, still is. He could do no wrong. The other brother, 5 years older than me, was simply an angry, volitile, mentally abusive person who my mother never stood up even as his parent. All his anger, abuse, and pain he took out on me from as far back as my memory takes me. The beatings, the daily humiliation, degradation and pain in inflicted upon me, I carry with me to this day. I spent most of my childhood locked in a bathroom in fear of his wrath. My mother blamed me for all he did. Even when I was as young as 5 yrs old. If I tried to talk to her about it, she simply said stay away from him. Ignore him, or told me it was my fault. My mother, I KNOW, did not love me like she loved them. Because they were the ‘males’ of the species who she regarded as having a kind of God like complex. All they did was ok, all they were was ok, and to this very day she still see’s men this way and women as less than. I knew from a very early age my mother did not love me. As young as 3 yrs old. This is even reflected in childhood photos, most of which I am crying or very sad. My mother never once in her entire life gave me a “good job” or an “I love you” or a hug or a pat on the back for anything. Nothing. When I saw my little friends mothers hug them or love them I froze. It seemsed so foreign and strange to me. When I grew into a teenager the void between us was so bad we spent years (not weeks or days) but YEARS in the same room not speaking a single solitary word to each other. If anything was spoken, it was her telling me what a piece of crap I was. I left at one point and ended up in a horribly abusive situation and when I told her I needed to come home, instead of asking what was wrong, or even caring she simply told me to stay with him. She wanted to sell the old house and get an apartment. My friends were never welcome in my house. I was afraid to bring them home she was so nasty or the silence was so deafening you could slice the air with it. However my brothers friends came in every single day. She fed them, laughed with them and sent them to shcool. Once I brought my friends home for a can of soup and at the end of the day she tore into me and made me feel completely subhuman, humilated and unwanted. These are just a small few examples of a life with a mother who does not love you. It is the most painful debilitating feeling a child can experience and one never gets over it. Today she is 80 yrs old and although she hates me, I am the one she calls for everything simply because the “boys” time is much more valuable than mine. I can not relate to her, I can not bare to be around her. Especially alone because we have absolutely NOTHING to talk about . I tried over the years to emotionally attach to her and she just shut me down over and over. Every second with her now, is beyond awkward. I never had children because I found no joy at all in the family unit and never wanted to be a mother. I cry practially every day to this day. I have never had a loving relationship long term with anyone. I feel everything is my fault, I blame myself for everything because I always was blamed. I try to be a good person but I am not perfect I have faults. I try to forget the past and love myself but I can not find a way to it. I only hope that some day a door will open and all the suffering of the past will be gone. Until then I will just keep trying.
Kalai, I am glad you found us. You need a place to voice your pain, and you also need to understand this is not about you at all. It is all about her and what she allowed the boys to do to you, and how she failed to protect and love you. You were not unlovable, she is a tyrant.
I would suggest family centered therapy for you., Your mother and your brother are not going to change, but you need permission to get away from them. I know with your mother being 80 yrs old, it is too late pretty much to take her on. However you can distance yourself,. Which for your own health, I highly recommend. She is toxic and as Jennifer James PhD says, when someone craps in your cup, don’t drink it. (I think she was a bit more graphic than that). Still she makes the point to repeatedly put yourself in harms way is an exercise in self flagellation. You do not need to beat yourself up anymore. You more than met her half way.
I think it is reasonable for you to tell her, feel free to call the boys, I am busy. Or have senior services contact her. You are in a situation where there is no way to win, so it makes sense to excuse your self from continued abuse and disregard. It is not about you at all.
The only way you will come to terms with the past and move on is to address it directly with a counselor……I know, it took me years to do this. And when I did it was such a relief. But the life we live with profound abandonment needs a voice, a sympathetic ear and a way to cleanse ourselves from all that pain, When we rise above it and recognize we are not the problem then we can be mad about our loss and at the perpetrators and do no longer try to get love from a stone. It just isn’t there.
Once you move beyond this, examine it in great detail with the help of a skilled therapist, you begin to see the world in a much greater way, and can be open to love and relationships because you are deserving and worth it.
nancy
Kalai,
Your experience is a horrific one and your right, there’s nothing like living with the obvious hatred from someone who should for all intensive purposes adore you. Nancy is right however, you should definitely seek the help of a counselor. Living with that kind of pain for all those years has effectively kept you from truly living and enjoying your own life.
I also felt I was worthless, and blamed myself for every little screw up. After my son was born I went through a depression, I was referred to a counselor and he told me flat out that for my own ’emotional and mental well being it was imperative that i break ties and communication with my mother, siblings, and step father as they negate any positives that occur in my life’. I didn’t listen at that time, and seriously regretted it due to the fact that it allowed them enough time to show that same cruelty to my son. I wanted another child but in all honesty I worried I would be the same as my mother, and that I would show favoritism towards one child over another.
I finally made the leap to break ties with them, I live in the same city and on occasion see them around town. I have become strong enough I that I can look right past them without acknowledgment. In truth I feel so much stronger than I ever did when they were part of my life. I might have had some part in the distance between us, but I was NEVER responsible for the cruelty they showed my son or me. That is something THEY have to live with.
You need to see that too. Nothing you have ever done makes it ok to treat you with the cruelty that you were shown. And as Nancy said. It is OK to say “I’m busy, call your son’s” it is time you had your own life outside of that dark abyss that they have trapped you in. Why should you be the one to care for her now when she never cared for you then? If her son’s are so golden, wouldn’t the care and comfort mean more when it is them giving it to her?
Pray that God gives you guidance, and the ability to forgive so that you can at least remove that dark scar from your heart. But do not believe for one minute that God expects you to be mistreated, he values you more than that. I would imagine he expect you to value yourself more than that as well.
You all are the siblings I never knew! I am middle of 5. My father was married before my mother and had sons with his first wife. My mom wanted a SON come hell or high water. 3 girls were born before my brother, the center of the universe. I think I tipped the zero affect, failure to engage what so ever scale in my mom as I was the last girl before the KING was born. She did not do me AT ALL. Nothing. I think she hated (she would cut her tongue out rather than admit that) me “most” because I was not a boy. Not a baby picture. Dropped me off for the first day of school in her gown. Not a birthday party until age 25!!!! OMG. And even then, I think because she could rationalize her guilt or was embarrassed by my being so honest with how it seemed to me. My brother is a loser, drug addict, convict. Figure that one out. Other siblings, especially the last girl in my opinion are overly clingy and still very financially dependent on her. We are all in our 40s!!!! Guess who never asked for or got a loan? Paid for entire college degree? Pays her own bills? And to this day, gets to be the maid or the project manager for everyone’s crisis? No, not Cinderella but me. Now, she has had health problems, guess who was Florence Nightengale? Me. I realize now as a way to say LIKE ME, LIKE ME, LOVE ME. Other siblings? Nothing. Seldom seen when she was ill. What I realize now, and what is most hurtful to me is how this has shaped me into a person who doesn’t take a chance with anyone, in my personal relationships. But today, I choose to stop blaming her and I damn sure won’t blame me. I am a good person, I want to be loved, I deserve to be loved and I will be loved. I am going for it! Enough of this. I won’t cause any rifts, drama etc..but I am stopping, all insanity, reactions, unhealthy dynamics with respect to mother and siblings. I love them the way I love them, accept how they feel about and treat me. But, I am done. There is one, who loves, never leaves and knew me before I was in my mother’s womb. Praise God! I can count on Jesus, He will be my mother, father, sisters and brother. I accept it. Live a good life people, He wants this for us.
AMEN! And good for you. You have been through enough, and it’s time you start living your life for you.
It is time for you to consider cutting the family loose, let them fix theri own problems. Matters not, they were all in that family and now can pick up the slack. You deserve a break today, and the rest of your life. I would put the rest of the family on notice, they will be on her speed dial.
You can forgive her without being a florence nightengale. It is time to take care of yourself, reduce your stress, stop being an over achiever except in pursuit of your own dreams and goals
Well im a mother of a five year old, and i do worry about the impact im leaving on him. I too am a mother thats incapable of loving and caring for my child how most mothers would find fit for there kids, well from birth is when i first noticed it, i wanted kids but i wanted to have a life first a great job then work on kids when i was older like 28 or 30. but i had my son at a raw age of 17. and i regret ever second of my life and i hate it i hate that i regret my mother loved me a lot. i do think there was some resentment from her to me. but it was just me wondering i think. anyways when i gave birth no……. about a month before i gave birth i felt this over whelming feeling that i had no desire for this person inside of me that i knew this isnt what i wanted from my life but being so young i wasnt sure second guessing myself that maybe im wrong and i do want this baby, well then at birth the doctors forced me to hold my son after i gave birth to him. i wanted nothing to do with him. i use to sit there and watch him cry in the hospital till a nurse would come in then id pretend i was sleeping so they would think something was wrong with me. ive tryed ive tryed so so so hard to take care of him and give him his need and show him the right way but ive been unable to do this in a carrying or loving way. he is a great kid very smart and loves to show love to other people. but ive noticed over the years he shows no remorse for when he does do something wrong. and he learns very fast to like punishments. i want to blame myself for this i cant love him and some family members point this out too. i know im bringing him up right but its with no feelings or love, and i worry the day he realizes this i dont know what ill tell him my reasons are for doing this to him. i tried giving him away but everyone around me tells me how bad of a person i am for doing that. so i take him back or back out of adoption papers i dont want my mom to take care of him because of things that happen to me as a kid. and i feel my mother looks past the really bad things people do to kids. but i just wish i knew why this was i still want to have more kids just not right now not till im 28 or 30 still.i wish i knew what put this great void i feel, on another human being? i know i can take care but i just can care or love him right.
Wow, christine if you feel in your heart of hearts that the best thing for your son is to let someone else raise him then that is what you should do. It sounds like part of you does love him, but cannot bring yourself to willingly accept the role you need too in order to give him 100% of yourself.
No matter what you do someone will remark about your choice, but you need to be strong enough to stand up to them and say “I am doing this FOR him, not TOO him” and if you feel it necessary explain why you are choosing to let someone else raise him. It sounds like the distance between you two has already begun affecting him. I cannot speak for anyone else here but on a personal note I wish my mother HAD placed me for adoption instead of forcing me to remain in a home without love! All children should know what it is to be loved, and cared for don’t you think? After all the world around us is so cold and calculating we need something to ground us to our humanity before we are tossed into it. That is what parents are supposed to be, and why it is so important to give that to our children.
I wish you luck and hope you are able to come to terms with your internal struggles for your sake and the sake of your son.
Christine, I don’t want to disbelieve you, maybe adoption or foster care is the answer for you but after reading your comment I couldn’t help but wonder… have you ever been treated for depression, including post-natal depression? Might be worth exploring this question because even those of us who love being mothers, who have supportive partners and who don’t face the ongoing judgementalism that comes with being a young mother can have days/weeks/months and even years of feeling that we love our kids but hate being mothers… depression can make it hard to enjoy and cope with motherhood but depression CAN be treated – it can get better. I’d urge you to go easy on blaming yourself right now and explore this possibility through a doctor/counsellor.
In the meantime try your hardest to give your son all the positive responses you yourself would like.. faking it for a while might get you through the time while you’re seeking help for depression, if that turns out to be the issue.
Also, your son liking punishment might simply be a smart (but heartbreaking) way of trying to get attention if he isn’t getting enough – pretty normal for his age, same with not showing huge amounts of remorse. Don’t let other people talk you into thinking badly of your child – like you said, he’s a lovely smart kid. Try to find fun things to do together with your child – things that you enjoy as well as him – and then make sure you also get time away from him to be an adult and do young adult things. Looking after yourself lets you be a better mother.
There is a reason for everything and something led me to this sight, tonight. I am the mom. I am recently estranged from my 47 y/o daughter. After much deep searching into my past, I have finally come up with comfort in my life, now that I can, honestly, trace what has happened. I have never told anybody about this, in depth, so maybe I should try here.
I was a war- baby (1944). i was the first baby in my large family, for that generation. My dad and mom loved me to death. My family loved me to death. I was their little princess. i was the little girl who danced on the toes of her father and made Xmas cookies with my darling mother (90).. The photos I have from that era showed a cute, happy little girl who had pretty much, all she needed and more. That lasted 4 years until my bro was born. I love him to this day. My dad became a cop in our big city. Rough time financially but I didn’t know that.. My mom finally went to work when I was 7. Great education but women didn’t count very much in the 50’s/ 60’s. Teacher or nurse or get married and have a baby
i actually started losing both mom and my dad. Mom worked, dad worked crazy shifts……and had become alcoholic. And all of a sudden, I was invisable. The princess-life was gone, I was just a little school girl, like everyone else. I wasn’t special anymore and my dear dad was getting worse. I was so alone during my school years. Always in minor trouble every yr. “boy crazy”, trying to be someone else, to block out my own self. I was a pretender. I started to lie, had imaginary friends trying to impress. Another thing was that at 16, I started to want to get “high”. Asprin and Coke LOL, I was always a poor sleeper. Know I know, that I wanted to block something out. Know I realized I was seriously depressed, also. Who knew???
I married @ 20, just to get out of my house. Ah..I got to be the Princess Bride for a year. I was the little princess all grown up. Yah, sure. Didn;t want to work so I got pregnant. Had my daughter, which is what I wanted. Bought a home in the burbs and when she was 2, I took a small job near home. Had a great sitter or her grandparents would take her. After landing a very good position, my boss and I started something together. I loved him. He took care of me….like a dad would. BINGO! I divorced the huz and continued on with my affair.and my job. My daughter was farmed out and I was living the high life, having a fun, exciting life…the baby was well taken care of, by others most of the time. She was MY princess. I did not neglect her. Clothes, toys, parties, private schhol. The affair came to an abrupt end. I went nuts, mentally, Left her with my sister and flew to another state for a few weeks.
Soon after, I met a gentleman, who charmed me and won my heart. You could tell he like my daughter (3). I Didn’t want to get married so, I changed my name to his, legally, and told everyone we got married. the 60s, you know.
He gets a transfer to another state. I sold my home and moved with him. It was to be my daughter’s 4 th birthday and the g’parents wanted to do a party. So I, stupidly, left her with them and moved. 2 weeks later, my sis calls and tells me that I better come get my daughter bcz “somethings going on”. Little did I know that sis had told everyone about the sham marriage and they were all in the process of getting an court order forbidiing me from leaving the state with her! i was clueless, as I got on the plane the next day, with 2 return tickets. Got there…..SHE WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!!!!! it was the 2nd worst thing that had ever happened to me!!! They had my child!!! And no one would help me!!! My drunken dad served me with the papers! I flew home without her, On the advice of the atty, we got married fast and I drove to my hometown to retrive my little girl. We were assured that the judge would let her come with me. He did, But i couldn’t leave the state with her. I left her with my grandma/gramps….drove back to get clothes etc, for one night, and while i was gone, THEY TOOK HER OUT OF MY G’MAs BACKYARD!!!!! When I arrived back, they brought her back, again .
HOW MANY ABANDONMENTS HAS IT BEEN
SO FAR…AND SHE’S ONLY 4
I really have to stop here. I can still remember it all and even today, I can feel those terrible emotions, the chaos, and horror, the more I write. That poor little girl!!! I’ll make another attempt to finish, later.
I’m so grateful to have found this forum and connect with others who understand the pain of a “mother” who just can’t love us. I’m the oldest of four and have plenty of stories about how my mother has failed me…and continues to fail me. For many years, I’ve wondered what in hell is wrong with me that she just can’t love me as she loves my siblings. In nature, mothers nurture and fiercely protect their young…so when that doesn’t happen, and it’s an obvious chore for the mother to try and nurture, the assumption is that there must be some defect in the young. Who will believe that the defect is actually within the mother? I’m 50 years old and tired of feeling unwanted, unappreciated, and unloved; I’m tired of being left out and pushed out of my own family. While I’m finally able to see and admit that I’ll probably never have the mother I need and deserve, this is still very much an academic understanding for me. Inside, I still ache like hell at times (like when I’m left out of large family gatherings) and I’m struggling to make peace with this raw emotion. If I “divorce” my mother, I risk losing my connection to the rest of my large, extended family. My mother has such great, active love for all of them and they adore her; they’ll never understand or believe she’s a cold, uncaring, detached person who bullies me emotionally. I’d love to have some practical tips, from others experience and wisdom, for coping with the raw pain. Blessings to all.
Hi Brenda, welcome to the discussion. I too had a mother exactly as you describe. Everyone loved her and thought she was so lovely. No one could understand my “divorcing ” the family. I did it anyway, just walked away, unlisted my phone and moved to a new area. It lasted for 10 lovely years before she found me. The only reason she looked for me was because people in the community liked me and kept asking how i ws doing and where was i now. She could not answer those questions, and it embarassed her.
When she found me, I set down some rules, I would not accept being embarassed by her disregard for me among friends or family. I was going to run my own life and didnot want input unless I asked for it. It was a tentative peace but I had the upper hand. If not, I would have not permitted her back in my life. I was under no illusions, she was not back because she loved me, she was back because she was embarassed/
There is some reading that might be helpful, and one thing that was most helpful for me was a counselor who was an MSW Family therapist. We spent several years together working through my issues. It is very hard work, but it did help me to see, none of this was my fault, It was her short comings that were the issue, and it was my life to live as I saw fit. It also helped me to understand emotionally that I was not the issue, and that my pain and despair were normal for the life that I had. (both my parents abandoned me emotionally,) my mother was abusive in all manners/
The Drama of the Gifted Child Alice Miller PHD.,MD, any of her books can be helpful, heck I needed them all!! Likewise John Bradshaw’s books are very helpful in recognizing and resolving the family issues thrown at you. He has several books, and a website. His books are cheaper through amazon.com where you can find used ones. His website has many tools but they are expensive, and you can find much of his information in his books through cheaper outlets.
if you search “adult children of dysfunctional abusive parents” you will find many resources. I do not believe all of them are great but you can pick and choose.
If your father was also absent and unloving there is a great book by Elyce Wakerman called Father Loss. It was helpful for me because my dad remarried and his wife forbid my presence in their lives. He did not have the ability to stand up to her, and I loved him dearly because when he was in my life, he was so very kind.
I hope this can offer you some peace. It is so very hard to find comfort and love to fill a very big void. But good friends, passion about things in your life, like work, your own family, volunteering, working in a SMART reading program for kids, find your passion and live it. A life well lived is the best revenges.
nancy
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-that-Binds-ebook/dp/B001MSVS9G/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2#_
http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php
http://search.aol.com/aol/search?s_it=topsearchbox.search&v_t=client96_searchbox&q=adults+raised+by+unloving+parents
Brenda: I am so happy you posted on this web site. I absolutely relate to your emotions and confusion. I am in my mid 40’s and have struggled with this my whole life. I particularily related to your comment about how others see your mother with loving eyes and adoration when to you she was cold uncaring and detached. As I said in my earlier post this too is my situation. As for me, I removed myself for the most part, from my family long ago however I still feel this obligation to remain “part of” the extended family and make an appearance at Christmas time and Thanks Giving but other than that I stay distant.
I don’t believe the pain ever goes away however I have come to the realization that as a small child none of this was my fault. I used to wonder why me? I felt like a failure I felt flawed. I was so beat down I lost all my self esteem. I became the family floor mat and my mother did nothing to stop this. Today I tell myself it is over it is in the past however the past does have a way of jumping up and biting you when you least expect it.
Just know you are not alone. I believe you. I understand you. I feel for you and it gives me relief knowing someone out there understands me so thank you for your post.
K
Dear Nancy,
Thank you so very much for welcoming me to the group and sharing with me. I will definitely do some research and check out the books you’ve suggested.
I’ve done counseling in the past with an MSW and was helped to a place of accepting my realities. At that time, I was suffering badly with anxiety and panic attacks. My therapist suggested that I stop futilely trying to fix the situation with my mother and instead allow the distance from her because she was clearly unstable and unhealthy for me. Although the estrangement was my mother’s doings initially, and it was truly devastating to me, with the MSW’s help I eventually learned to accept it. That estrangement lasted 5+ years, until my mother showed up at my doorstep one day, full of apologies and asking for another chance. Because she filled my heart with hope, I agreed to try again.
We maintained a strained but peaceful relationship for about 3 years…until this past January when she unexpectedly bullied me in an emotional attack again. Foolishly, I didn’t see it coming and felt devastated all over again. Somehow, I maintained my calm and told her I would never allow her to treat me this way again; I was done with being bullied by her. Days later, she sent me a text and said she’d understand if I never spoke to her again. It’s been only silence since.
This past weekend, my mother had a big family picnic; I wasn’t there. Now I’m reading all the glorious, sappy comments she and others in the family are making on FB, and my pain and anger is pretty raw again. Because I don’t and won’t talk badly about my mother to others in the family, they’re not aware of the emotional hell she puts me through. I’m so tired of being her scapegoat, punished from her inability to be a healthy, loving mother…but even more so, I’m tired of how I allow my pain and anger to consume large chunks of my life. I think I’m finally ready, really ready, to accept that I won’t have a healthy relationship with my mother until and unless she seeks counseling for the issues that drive her to hurt me. I’m also realizing that I need to get support to learn how to cope with the pain and abandonment in a way that’s healthy for me. I’ve started this summer to return to the things I love doing and I’ll continue to fill up my life with things that make me smile. I can’t change my mother…but I can work on changing how much time I allow myself to just sit in the pain. Maybe, with God’s grace, I’ll be able someday to accept all of this without an overwhelming sense of sadness. That’s my hope.
Thank you again, Nancy, for being transparent and helping others through this awful void. It brings a great deal of comfort to know there are others out there who understand intimately how deep this pain can bore inside of us.
Blessings to you,
Brenda
Sounds like you are on the right path for finding ways not to let the pain overwhelm you. I like the idea that you will not let her back in your life without counseling. You seem to be her punching bag.
I am not sure about not letting others know, I chose not to, and gradually after her death, they came to find out and to understand what my life was like. Before that they were in denial although they saw the abuse and damage she did.
I did not want to destroy their relationship wiht her, she was well loved by all of my cousins, and they did not have such a good life at home. So they looked forward to the visits on the farm. It was not my place to destroy that for them. Still, I wonder if I would have had more family support if I had made it clearer. But I just held on until I could get away, I worked and saved my money for college tuition and nursing school fees, and once I was away, I never looked back. There was an expectation I would return home and help the boys get through college, but I politely declined, I was on my own and it was freedom. I was not going back there to live.
Write once in a while, let us know how you are doing. I do wish you well
nancy
When I was a little kid, I had a teacher who was single. She was so kind to me, so I had this dream that she would marry my uncle Ernie and some how I would have a family. I was sooooo disappointed when she got married. Of course she did not even know my uncle, he lived in another state. But I am guessing this became a survival mechanism, a bit of hope.
Nancy
Nancy
I use to stay at my neighbors house all the time and they were so nice to me. I use to hope that if I was really really good they would keep me. They moved out of state one year and I had to return home to the rejection and abuse.
A Mother’s hatred lasts a lifetime with the child, a mother’s hatred can contribute to a child’s low self esteem, failure to get married, crying every day, and a mother’s hatred can contribute to that child growing into an adult who does not feel wanted, loved, or needed. No matter how much I tried – my whole life – i never was able to have a loving relationship because of my mother’s hatred for me. I can only remember how she said I wished I was never born, how she did not want me, or how nobody will want me. I wanted me.
Real maturity and growth occurs when we are able to step outside of our “little child selves” and begin to recognize our mothers as people. People who had childhoods of their very own, who had their own, (perhaps dysfunctional?) parents, with their own issues to work through. You can choose to accept your parent’s imperfections and begin the process of letting go of your blame, your anger, your misery, your pain and your angst. I’m sure it hasn’t served anyone in your life, including you, up to this point. Why spend a lifetime as a victim of someone who was probably a vicitm of a victim of a victim of a victim….etc etc etc…. It’s just insanity. Make the choice to make a change. I did. I now have a loving relationship with my mother. How? No matter how she behaves or what she says, I make the choice how I feel or how I will react. I no longer react like a little kid…dependent on my mommy. I am now my own person. An adult at last. She is free to be whoever she wants to be……as am I.
I agree, to continue stuck in the same rut, fighting the same battles will get you what you have always gotten. no love, no respect and a great deal of pain. My mother was profoundly abandoned, and abused. She just passed onwhat she knew. However, I could not deal with the constant pressure to do her bidding so I excused myself from the relationship for 10 years. In the end, I put it all aside and took care of her while she was dying.
However for many, the lack of love and overt abuse is not an imperfection, it is an outright rejection. If you can over look it fine, but if it causes you daily pain, then it is time to find a way to protect yourself
I came across this article and I can say I’m partly guilty.. I’ve a 17 year old son that I can’t get alone with.. I’ve said some of the meanest things to him out of anger that I can’t take back.. I have 4 kids and my 17yr old is the second oldest. He don’t listen to nothing I tell him. He always into the dumbest shit that leads to trouble. The thing about he’s a 3.0 student. He’s not dumb and gets good grades. It’s his damn mouth. If I say one thing he got 10 more things on top of that to say. My oldest 2 give me the most trouble. But when I say something to my oldest he just sit there and pretend listening and don’t say nothing. I know he’s not listening.. But that 17yr old of mines will give me full debate and he’s knows he’s dead to the wrong, but instead of him apologizing he puts on this damn show that drives me fucking crazy!! I had my 2 oldest boys very young. My mom didn’t raise me she dropped me off on a family member at 4 months and never looked back.. Oh until she had my brother a year later and dropped him off too.. But back to my 17yr old, I love my son even though there have been times I’ve told him that I hate is fucking guts cause he lies so much.. I just wish he stops all the lying, it really tearing me up because I just feel its going to be a time he’s going to need me to believe him and I won’t.. Trust me I’m crying as I write this.. I pray that God heals my heart and turn the negative way I feel for son. Because it’s devastating to me and can’t imagine the way he’s feeling when I say those nasty thing to him.. Thanks for listening whoever read this cause I really do love all my kids.. I just tired of trying to get through the him..
Wiser Now: Good for you! However in the words of the Dixie Chicks:
I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time
To go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
I’m still mad as hell
Can’t bring myself
To do what it is you think I should
K
Thank you K, right on
You might think about family counseling. You have a 17 yr old who sounds like he may succeed in life, getting good grades in school. You might well reduce the conflict with both kids, if the family entered into counseling.
I can Sadly relate to the mother. I love kids, but I detest my oldest. We’ve never gotten along, I’ve never liked her, we are complete opposites, she is absolutely her fathers daughter: mouthy, abusive, has no sympathy for anyone… and hoenstly, I regret not standing up to my mother when she informed me I was not allowed to put her up for adoption.
Well, you know what you feel and why. Have you ever considered entering counseling with your daughter? Perhaps to improve the interactions? Might not be worth the effort, but thought I would comment just in case.
Sorry to hear she is so self absorbed, it will not serve her will in her life in terms of interacting with others.
sryto say bt u all should not open it in frontofworld …………i knowits paining i understand bt a good child r those who bears every thing quietely……..
wrong, it is not the child that is at fault here. If they child does not recognize and work through the pain, there is no living well. The parent who does not love or bond with their children should have thought twice about having children. There is no sucking up that kind of rejection. It has to be worked through, talked about, and it becomes less difficult and shameful when kids find they are not alone.
Your handle on language suggests a shortage of education, or foreign born. You are wrong to judge people for expressing their pain, and seeking support. I think you are on the wrong board
It is so sad that this is not rare. I am witnessing a mother with 2 boys..1 and 2. She never bonded with the firstborn but has with the second. It seems that now the older is only in the way. I am heartbroken having to stand by and watch this older one deteriorate….I fear autism is just round the bend. I was the caretaker till I started remarking the unfairness. I have been relieved of my duties. I see them enough to watch the gradual unfolding of frustration and growing unhappiness. Heartbreaking actually.
TTX
It is sad to read all these stories but it made sure that i’m also not alone, my mother dont love me i believe ever since i was born but she doesnt want to admit but actions shows, cause even when i was you she you use 2 say hurful word to me. I remember when she found out that i started dating she said i want to destroy her marrige if why she said that i dont know cause the guy i was dating was not even related 2 her husband. She love all other 5 children for her marrige.
But what i have noticed is that the problem she hated my father cause she made her pregnant and he denied it and never take care of me but my grandmother and my aunty (My mother’s sister raised me to be the woman that i am 2 day and my father passed away without me knowing him and my grandma passed away but i was big enough to fight for my future when she passed away. Worse thing is i have only find out that my brother after me is not my mother’s husban’s son and the husband dont know that but my brother knows and my mother is denying it.
I grow up judging her for what she did and up to the point where God helped to forgive her though sometimes she do and say thing that takes back but i pray and i go for counselling and my husband cares for me although our marrige was hard in the beginig due to the emotions i hard or the past hurt but we are fine now and i am in the process of just accepting that my mother wouldnt love me the way i wish i could but at least my grandma and my aunty did raise me well and my aunty is still the mother that i couldnt get and she loves unconditionally.
So the woman who revealed that she dont love her daughter is said but at least she telling the truth to me it show she’s go the love but there is something blocking her for loving her daughter the fact that she said it out honestly she can find a way to solve and it shows that i bothers her. Shelly just need help first before she can decide to adopt her daugther. Life challenges can make do all strange things and althoug it is hard for the little girl knowing that my mother doesnt love me we can not garuantee she can find a family (adpted) to love her better because some other people endup abusing the children they adopted.
So the solution is not know and only the Mother can decide to help the child cause at her age she cant decide for herself and she is already emotionally damaged cause to me everything happened between me and my mother at the age of 8 i remember it all. I have son before marrige and his father never take care of him and i love him i thank God my husband love him to he is 12 now. So to be a good mother i dont belive it has to be build by what you went through in the past but the child you carried for nine months but you just cannt love Shelly she doesnt deserve that not child deserve that u need to work on you emotions because they child dont know what they do even when they are wrong its and innocent soul.
This is hurting i just dont know what to say thinking about the little girl as well for the mother cause they need each other.
Thulie South Africa
Thank you Thulie, for sharing your experience. We all learn from each other’s experiences. The most important thing is to realize wer are not alone and that it helps us all to know we are not alone. You raise an excellant point about counseling, it can be helpful because we can learn her rejection is not about us but rather aboudt her,
I had a child out of rape its not that i don’t like children i do actually i just have no emotional connection to the child i have tried everything in my power to try to love that child and I cant i gave my mother custody at 4 months and dealt with lots of trauma and turned to drugs to numb the pain i have been sober off of drugs for 4 years and my mom introduced me to my child that i feel no bond to nor do i have any interest in forming one that is the whole reason why i gave him up . Is this abnormal for me to feel like this towards him I probably need more counseling on this even though i have been to lots of it i really need some feed back because i feel so bad about it but this is how i feel. I cant denie how i feel and i have these high expectation from my mother now that i have my life back on track and she wants me to bond with this child but i am just not ready the child is 13 years old what do i do i feel that if i dont bond with my child i loose a realtionship with my mom . I wish in a way she would have never introduced me to him . I would like to have a child in the future because i know i could love that child with all my might . But i just cant with this one iam so lost and almost feel guilty with this secret
To be honest, your feelings don’t actually sound abnormal considering what you’ve been through. Also, at that time, you were traumatized and fighting to keep yourself alive as you self-medicated dangerously: it sounds like mere survival was more of a priority than forming a bond on a child you knew you couldn’t take care of. More counseling seems like a good idea: especially with an expert in reconciliation/mediation because it will probably be tough on all three of you. I don’t think you can force ‘love’ or a bond, but it can begin to develop and grow over time- it may not even be an exceptionally ‘maternal bond’, but you could end up respecting him and liking him as a person if not as your child.
The worst that can happen is that no bond appears, much like now and while it’s sad it’s better than not trying at all. It’s not easy for any of you: I can imagine your mother may feel ‘stuck in the middle’ and obliged to encourage what she feels is right for both of you, and while your son is probably very grateful and fortunate to have a mother figure in her- even if he’s not resentful, it’s the sort of situation he may feel hurt and guilty about. Just like you- and it’s not your fault nor his.
If it doesn’t work out, he can go back to his life with your mother and you can move on with your fixed-up life. I think most mothers in your mother’s position would appreciate you trying.
Honestly, it is possible to not like what your child is doing, but to still love them. We as humans are selfish in nature. The bond you have with one child might not necessarily be the same one you have with the other. Because your one child might adore you affectionately the way you want or listen or happens to be good at music like you creates a tighter BOND because selfishly you need that connection. Because the other child might like to scream and yell and is not so controllable, they are more free willed and high intensity something you may not agree with instead of trying to forge a different kind of bond. Selfish as we are as a species we push them aside. Its called laziness, selfishness and immaturity. Those are the main factors in those discisions. Most people that claim they don’t like kids are too selfish to have kids and good for them to realize that and move on. On birth control preferablly. The others that have a bond with one and not the other child are immature and lazy. They are not trying to forge any kind of bond with there child that is why they fail at any kind of relationship. I am speaking from experience. My oldest son, I LOVE completely. But I am forces to look for somekind of bond because I am unhappy with my own life and am too lazy to change it. Just reading these blogs and all the excuses everyone gives for WHY children are abused and mistreated and unloved just proves to me why I have to change my attitude about this. And maybe get off my ass and love my children the way they are supposed to be loved. Ladies quit making excuses for yourselves, when you have kids like changes. Sometimes it sucks, but guess what should of thought about that before you brought them to this world. Now BUCK up and do your jobs as parents.
thanks.
Wow! Today is Thanksgiving and I am sitting here at home alone, I just stumbled on this website and am truly amazed and grateful to find it. My grown children are celebrating the day with my dysfunctional parents.
All my life I have not felt loved or wanted by my mother. As a young girl I remember sitting in my room just sobbing that she did not love me. I have a brother that is younger and all the attention was on him…..always. There are few good memories of growing up and even as an adult, the relationship has been so strained. My father has never stood up for me, but has just watched on the sidelines. My brother chose to bow out of the family years ago and has no contact at all. I have watched my mother love my children in a way that she was incapable with me. It hurts so much! My children have seen and heard the way she treats me, but still keep going back to her and that too hurts not to have their support. I have received emails from them that I have been struck from the will, that I am no longer a part of the family. Most recently, we were sitting at the dinner table and I mentioned that we should get the old family movies out and show my kids. She looked at me and said without any emotion “we burnt all your baby pictures and albums”, they were taking up space. That was the last straw for me……………..talk about being invisible and without worth! I stood up and said I could no longer keep putting myself in this position to be hurt over and over. Everytime seems to hurt more and take longer to recover from. I left the house only to receive an email that I owe them an apology for my behavior and for spoiling dinner. And that it was their perogative to burn my pictures and that they also burnt 100’s of other things that belonged to me (barbie dolls, yearbooks, class pictures etc) I am 48 years old and that just about did me in. It has been my circle of good friends that have kept me sane. I still have incredibly low self esteem and have this empty hole in my heart. I am trying to rise above it, but that little voice in my head still says “if your mother doesn’t love you, then how can anyone else”. I just read “Will I Ever Be Enough” by Karyl McBride. Highly recommend it to all of you!! I have chosen to end the relationship with my mother, because it causes more pain than good. I still wish that she would look at me and realize all the good and love for her that is in my heart; I just want her to love ME back.
Honey, she ain’t gonna do it. You do not owe her anything, she was rude, and very unkind. The empty hole in your heart cannot be filled by her. Notice her son who she lavished attention on, got fed up and split. He may have seen the dysfunction in this family and decided to remove himself from it. Very smart decision. That she tells the grandkids that you have been cut out of the will, etc, simply is your mothers way of inflicting deeper pain.
You need to set boundaries with the kids, simply asking them to keep those things to themselves. When you get an email from her, do not open it, use the delete button. other wise you have to erase the pain once again. Jennifer James Phd, a cultural anthropologist says……………hey wake up, when someone craps in your cup, don’t drink it.
You mother is crapping all over you, from many angles she can find to get under your skin. You would be well served to refuse to read stuff from her or from the kids who talk about her and her intention toward you.
I know about this hole in the heart or in your soul………..both of my parents abandoned me, my mother did not love me, my father left my life because his new wife wanted nothing to do with me. There is a hole in my soul where my father used to be, because he loved me so much.
However, I have learned to make a life of my own, with my friends, and their families. We have great fun, we support each other, we help each other recognize when “they are doing it to us again”…………..Please for your sanity, let her and all of the garbage she spews flow away from you permanently. Your relationship with her will never be repaired. Move on, let it go, fill your hole………….with interests, love of friends, activities, your career,
Thanks Nancy! I have read your reply over and over. It has given me comfort and strength; I thank you for that. Everyday a little stronger !!!
Thanks for your kind comments. I know the journey I have been there, but when I finally figured out, that it was never that I was unlovable, but rather that she could not love, then I began to realize further, I was not the problem. It is sad not to be loved by ones parents, but the fact is it is never about us. We are ok, and the only gift from them, is that they gave you life. Your journey and responsibility is to learn to love the life you live and find peace/
Fondly,
Nancy.
let me know how you are doing. Sometimes it is two steps ahead and one back, but generally we can move away from our pain because it was never about us.
I just want to say how glad I am someone can admit to not loving their child. I’m the second of two children and my mother admits that when she went into labour with me her primary thought was “I don’t want this thing”. She said she held me and just felt disgust – but the doctors and her family told her things would change and sent her home without any support. She would regularly abandon me at churches, hospitals and police stations (up until I was an adolescent), and I’d end up in foster care until they found her again and reunited us. Sometimes in frustration she beat me. She would leave me with anyone who would take me so I was physically and sexually abused from a young age. She hated to look at me because it reminded her that she failed as my mother (did a great job with my sister – but I honestly think PND caused her to never bond with me). My mother is fundamentally a good person and contributes to society in many amazing ways. She was in a horrible situation, mentally unwell, and did some bad things. She needed help – but whenever she sought it society pushed her further away for admiting that she didn’t feel anything with me. At one point they even threatened to take my sister off her … keep the child you don’t love or you will loose the one you adore – how does that help? After the emptiness of feelings she had for me she choose to never have more children – I believe she wanted to be a good mother.
I’ve never had children, and do not want them because I don’t believe I know how to be a mother having not experienced ‘mothering’ myself. The ‘cycle’ stops with me. It took much teenage angst and some young adulthood musing to realise that my mother not loving me was NOT HER FAULT. I now have no anger or bitterness toward her. We don’t communicate much (maybe exchange letters once a year), and we don’t miss each other, but I recognise her qualities as well as her failings. She’s just another person – I don’t have feelings for her either way. As much as love and affection does assist with development of a child I don’t think loving your child is a choice, and if you don’t love your child then it would be incredibly hard, and society needs to provide assistance rather than shame those seeking help.
As crazy as it sounds, not being loved by your parents is certainly not the end of the world either. I almost always had access to food, I never wandered the streets naked and I had access to education. I admit I have a lot of trouble feeling affection for others (emotionally I’m boarderline psychopath … but not the running about killing people sort. Just the logical robot sort), and when I was young I had a little trouble respecting the law. But I had a lot of freedom in my childhood, despite abuse by some there were also many other great people whom I admired and learned a lot from, I’ve lived an amazing life. I’m a fundamentally happy person with many great friends, an amazing husband (who has spent many years patiently teaching me about feelings), and a job I don’t mind (although I confess I’d rather win lotto). A third of my life has been lived, and I believe I’ve a bright future to look forward to. It wasn’t the best childhood … but it certainly wasn’t the worst.
I’d like to see women who don’t love their children have access to non-judgemental avenues to either allow other good people to raise their children or to be given assistance to overcome the issue (if it is PND or something similar). For those of us that were not loved by someone, if you can, look forward – not back it is a good reminder that how much you enjoy the rest of your life is your choice.
Well, you are very compassionate for non loving parents. I took care of my mother at the end of her life, and all she could say, was she was so sorry, actually just moments before she died. She awoke and said over and over she was so sorry for not loving me. And she still did not.
She had a sister who also failed to bond with two of her three daughters, abandoning the oldest at 2 weeks of age. She frequently tried to encourage her son to leave his father but did not want that daughter. I am sure that something happened in their lives to create this non loving attitude. I watched my mother become abnormally bonded to her granddaughter, and repeatedly called her by my name. (my brother’s child)
So I can say there are large issues for mothers who do not love, but my mother had repeated opportunities to let my grandmother raise me, and would not do it. You are generous to recognize that they might need help, however many would not seek it because the child they donot love is a handy outlet for their anger
I understand how this woman feels. I’ve never had a maternal instinct in my life, and I don’t like other people’s babies or childen. The other day I met a woman who just birthed her fifth child and while she was gushing all about it, all I could think was – ugh. I am a stepmother to a young girl, and while I do feel some level of care and affection towards her, I don’t feel any maternal instinct towards her at all, and frankly, if I never saw her again, I would be totally OK with that. Sounds terrible, but I don’t mean it that way and It doesn’t reflect on her at all – she’s a lovely girl. But I just don’t like kids that much and don’t really enjoy having them in my life. As such, I would not miss her in my life if say, her mom moved back to England and took her with her.
This only sounds to me like resentment and jealousy issues sitting deep down in the base of your soul. All mothers that can’t seem to bond with their children have suffered some kind of tragedy or event that either pissed them off or deeply hurt them. I believe this saying ” I just don’t have maternal instincts”, complete bullshit. The whole do i love one child more than the other is just a who did I bond with on a more deeper level not who do I love less. People are getting to many freakin excuses on why their behavior is acceptable. Sweetheart you are either a sociopath or you don’t want to admit what your real issues are. And the mothers that brutalize there children or people that brutalize children period are substantually mentally incompetant, and they need to be locked away in a place that deals with those issues so they can learn better ways. or if they can’t learn then discarded. Sorry my opinion.
The end.
While on some level I agree with you, I would not be quite as brutual about it. It is true that mothers who don;t love their children are not often exposed, they live the “perfect family” appearance life. Then when the child seeks to free themselves from this abusive situation, the friends, family and mother are “wounded and surprised” which further victimizes the child seeking relief.
Those who could care less, may be afraid of loving, bonding, developing a relationshiip on a deep level and be in denial about it. Confronting their denial might be helpful, but unlikely to salvage teh love and caring the child needs unless done very early on. Even then, deeply ensconsed denial may frustrate the efforts to expose the mothers selfish, egocentric, fearful behavior and the child may experience no benefit
Comment deleted for anti-child bigotry and gross insensitivity.
First and foremost an opinion is an opinion and if you write on a blog expect it. Second of all if you don’t like bratty offspring and ex wives shit than pick a man that doesn’t have the baggage cause now you are putting your problems on everyone else including your so called bratty step child. Understand that you are the adult and regardless of not wanting to have children because of the unwanted responsiblity of things you find repulsive you have to be the mature one. Now I am totally familiar with step children and most of them, like yourself resent someone that is not their mothers telling them what to do. Hence that would be your husbands fault if he doesn’t mediate. So instead of blaming a child that probably has not met puberty blame the adults in the situation. Again most people know “BIG Girl” words but some don’t know how to use them. So if you want to educate me on something, at least have the ability to state some adult facts. Or else just read the blog and decide for yourself what you believe in. You wouldn’t be on here discussing the fact that you hate children unless you were expecting people to respond to it.
I am the product of an extremely dysfunctional family that does not love me. It took me most of my life (I am 44 years old.) to realize that my mother is nothing but an abusive piece of trash who married another abusive piece of trash. She allowed me to be sexually, physically and psychologically abused by anyone who wanted to abuse children. I was like the neighborhood whipping boy or should I say “screwing girl” from the age of about 3. I grew up with absolutely no protection from my family and I’ll never forgive them for it. On many occasions I was deliberately put in harms way. I haven’t spoken to my 81 year old mother in over 4 years and have no intentions of attending her funeral. I didn’t attend my father’s funeral either and I have absolutely no regrets about it. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that my family is nothing but trash. I was raised in a house full of violent thugs and cowards who like to destroy anything that is good. I stood by for years and watched family members abuse women and children, tear down anyone who had any potential (including myself) and cause compete havoc in the community. My brothers are all sexually deviant child molesters and rapists, my sisters are venomous vipers who are absolutely psychotic. They even make up stories to manipulate and ruin reputations of those around them. I can’t imagine how many relationships they’ve ruined over the years. They can’t stand for anyone else to appear happy or content with life. Drama is always on the menu and they go out of their way to make it happen. Not one of my siblings can be trusted. They are just as much animals as my parents were. I have nothing to do with any of them and I am much better for it. I’ve moved away from them and they are still up to the same old garbage. Their children have been contaminated by whatever sickness ails them as well. It may benefit some people to forgive their abusers but I am not one of them. I can only hope with all my being that they will be exposed for what they are and be brought to ruin in one way or another. I hate them all and will for the rest of my natural life. I have absolutely no feelings left for any of them, most of all my “mother”. Only God can forgive such base people. I have no intentions of doing so. For the sake of their eternal souls I hope God will forgive them but I never will.
Yes, it is God’s role to forgive such horrendous behavior, not yours. You sound like you have set healthy boundaries for your self and that is a feat of amazing strength.You are to be congratulated.
Was there someone in your life who saw the worth in you? Or helped you to understand this was not about y ou? That their abuses were not right?
Often when a child succeeds in an environment such as you experienced, there is someone who offered love and guidance. I wish you well with your life, it sounds like you are on the right track
Wow – your family sounds seriously screwed up. Good for you, that you distanced yourself! Probably the best thing. If ever you are to find “forgiveness” for these obviously sick people, it will be in the understanding that they are in fact – SICK. They were probably raised by similarly screwed up, abusive people and became abusers themselves. It’s commendable that you see that and are refusing to be like them. I only say, if you can, find forgiveness for them ONLY for yourself – so that your anger does not poison YOU. I also have people in my life who did me harm – but I forgive them, not because they deserve it, but because I understand that they simply didn’t KNOW any better. They’re just stupid, ignorant people. In the end, they curse themselves. Your family are obviously suffering and unhappy people, deeply so. Perhaps find some compassion in that fact – they are living and will die sick and screwed up, never having found peace.
You raise several very important points, first that distancing yourself is healthy, absolutely! Secondly that they are likely sick and were raised in screwed up situations, again right on. and more importantly that we not let the anger, despair, and holes in our souls poison us. We should focus on our own journey of a peaceful, purposelful and happy life. It is our choice to create that or not. If not, then we remain stuck inthe victim mode forever and peace eludes us.
Your obviously intellegent and secure enough to realize that you wouldn’t feel comfortable with a brewd of kids because of the way you were I can’t even say brought up because it sounds to me you brought yourself up. You don’t have to forgive anyone if you don’t feel they deserve it. But I think when some people say forgiveness they just mean forgetting. Because its better for you to wipe the slate and never associate with those people again. Don’t think because you had people like that in your life that you are incapable of love. Because you are, you deserve to love and be loved. And what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, unfortunatly you were put in a situation of survival of the fittest, and clearly you are the fittest. This is what bothers me when people make excuses for treating children and I mean all children not just their own poorly. It’s because of the excuses that people like yourself have to suffer such horrible childhoods. Its unfair and prehistoric. what sets us apart from other species and makes us more dominate is the ability to love others, and not just ourselves. We help heal species that really mean nothing to us directly, but we do it because we are smart enough to know its how we can survive and live comfortably. These people that hurt their own young are dumb and useless. I agree with all the feelings you have and if those feelings allow you to move on and be happy and set goals for yourself that will only make you happier then keep feeling those feelings. But if that hate for them only brings back the misery and torture you have indured your entire life, then I suggest you just let it go, you don’t have to forgive the actions to just let go. Because you deserve happiness now, and you need to take that happiness and move forward. I wish you all the best in life.
Chris 5059
I think you are very very selfish, arrogant and very vain. I am glad you havent had any children as you dont deserve to have precious lives like these in your life, you should be ashamed of yourself.
I have 2 beautiful darling daughters and my husband and I love them immensely and cannot see our lives without them they are precious.
In fact I feel sorry for you that you cannot see the great satisfaction you get from having wonderful kiddies in your life. You are going to have a very lonely life.
Well, often the abuses in our own lives iimpact our ability to love others, to bond, to mentor and parent. So sometimes it is not selfishness or arrogance that tells us having kids is not for us.;
All the more reason to learn from your experiences and misfortunes in life and be the exact opposite to what happened to you. Bad experiences teach you to love and bond and you are determined never to be that person that dished out that horrible life to you. Meditation is good for this and you will evolve. My mother never ever showed me love all my life but she did with the middle sister. I was bitter towards her for years before I had children of my own but now I realise that she had the problem not me and now I feel very sorry for her.
Remember, What people do to you is there KARMA, how you react towards it is yours :-).
Therein lies the problem Lesely, many have no experience with loving at all, and without counseling or mentoring they do not know how to traverse the maxe
My mother did not love me. If she had the integrity to admit it and make provisions for me to be raised in as a supportive environment as possible, it would have enabled me, to see that the problem was hers and I would have had less problems from it.
As it was her whole relationship with me was then and now abusive. There was no way it could be otherwise. I also truly hate her. This could have been avoided, if she had done the right thing, and admit to what she was.
This woman who does not love her child probably has a reaction to her, as she did to the child’s father. If this is the case, she needs to stop abusing this child buy being completely silent about it, or let the poor girl be with people who can love her. What she is doing is unforgivable.
Yes, it is never about the child. Children are born innocent into the world, and caring and nurturing are a inborn need and right. When not provided, and when we are young, we dont get that it is not our fault. Some times the pregnancy came at the wrong time, sometimes the parents are in trouble as far as their marriage is concerned and a new baby represents being trapped. What ever the reason that mothers do not love their children, it is not the childrens issue, aside from teh substantial pain this causes.
It is possible to move them out of your life if the abuse continues./ I had a very successful nursing career, affording me a strong reputation in advocacy nationwide and eventually world wide. Guess what, it was not enough. Rather than continue to subject my self to that kind of constant putdown, I divorced them. Moved, unlisted my phone, and moved on. For 10 years following that, there was no contact. The most peaceful 10 years of my life.
There are other options, if it is important that you confront this cold, loveless relationship, perhaps a professional intervention or joint counseling to address the issue, and get everything that needs to be said, verbalized.
At least then, there is no game playing, she does not love you and she knows it and she knows you know it , so lets cut the crap so to speak.,. Jennifer James, PHD a cultural anthropologist from teh Seattel area, in one of her books, stated, (here i have edited just a bit) “when someone *craps* in your cup, don’t drink it.” You get the idea, it was one of the best pieces of advice I ever received.
Remember, you are a child of the universe, literally, you have a right to be here. It is never about the child. The child was born the innocent, to be loved, nurtured, fed, clothed, taught. It is a job having children, if we are not up to teh task we should not do that, or if the children come unplanned then we should plan for their happiness and do the right thing.
Meantime as adults, we have to learn to move on or be stuck in that victimhood life. Life is too prescious to spend chasing our parents approval, love etc, instead pursue our dreams.
Best wishes to you.
Nancy
Remember to love yourself first, then you can share that love with the world
i myself am a mother of a 3 yr old and i honestly dont believe im the best person to raise her. and been struggling with his situation since she was born. i love her more than anything but i was NOT meant to be a good mother. yes i know i made the decison to have unprotected sex. abortion was not a option bc i know she will be loved and cared for, while i feel i cannot. currently seeking therapy about this situation while i figure out adoption for her.
Bottom line if you don’t want children PROTECT yourself. Adoption and abortion are just excuses for being irresponsible. If the man won’t use a condom go on the F*ing pill. If not the pill 30 other kinds of prevention, the day after whatever it may be. Like get your spouse to get snipped, come on you ridiculous people. Will you ever F*ing learn. Quit putting your problems on pint sized human beings. Your all being stupid in my personal OPINION. They are children, its about time you all grow up as well.
jeez way to be judgmental. do you think when a lot of people have sex they’re thinking about possibly having kids? I’m sure not and not their fault for wanting to have sex, everyone’s going to want it at sometime it’s human nature. now if it was someone just sleeping around that’d be different but you can’t judge every one who has sex and ends up with a baby they don’t want. and how is adoption an excuse for being irresponsible? the person/family knows they can’t take care of the kid or don’t want it and are giving it a chance to be put into a different family that will. at least they’re not leaving it on a roadside or something like a truly irresponsible person would.
Its irresponsible because its your body, your mechanism to bring life into this world. If you don’t want to bring life into this world, my point is use your head and protect yourself. I am not saying mistakes don’t happen. But if you are a personal that is that adament on not having children because either you hate them or find yourself to selfish of a person then PROTECT yourself from it happening. Don’t just have a child and then give them up for adoption because you were to lazy or self indulgent to take the steps to avoid it. Like come on people its called a brain, its main use is used for decision making. That’s my personal opinion. When they are babies they have no choice, you do. And who’s to say that chemically and genetically they don’t have some sort of link or connected imbeded in them for their biological mother, and when they age they don’t understand why it is you have abandoned them. Then when they find out that its just because i didn’t like kids and i didn’t want you what do you think that does to a person. REALLY now. Just avoid all the pain and avoid pregnancy to begin with. Besides there is now too many billions of people on earth that grew up uncared for unloved, and now normal people who want children find themselves not being able to, while a bunch of idiots have children they don’t even want and treat them miserably. rediculous.
Even though my mommy never loved me a part of me will always love her.
Well this is 2011 and the power of your comment has made me cry at last. She died 6 years ago and I looked down on her face with no feeling at all. It is too complicated to say why this happened, but I was a good daughter to her and a marvelous sister. Now I just live as two people…the actor who impresses a class and the drunk who never leaves the house at the weekend.
Well, your comments leave me sad. It is well worth working through this lack of love in your life, to improve the quality of the life you have now. I was a good daughter too until I could stand no more. But then it was never about me or you. It is the mothers inability to love the child she gave birth doo
Nancy;
Your kind words and wisdom continue to amaze me and provide comfort more than you know!
Debbie
Thank You, /Debbie, how are you doing?
hmm Idk if there is anything wrong with how the mother feels, probably not. not that I’m not saying it’s all right if she totally hates her daughter and beats and starves her but not loving someone doesn’t mean you’re going to do those things or that you don’t care about them. makes me wonder if there even is such thing as true love even for your own kids. and this from experience my own parents have done plenty of things to imply that they don’t love or care about me or my siblings, or at least not at the moment. and I’m not even overreacting or exaggerating but I won’t go into details. and I still don’t think they love me but they do seem to care enough to provide for me and give me nice things at least and I can respect that. and sometimes I feel a lot of anger and resentment towards my parents but then there are other times where I feel a lot of love and caring for my mom even though she probably doesn’t know, not good at expressing my feelings. and no matter the bad things she’s done I’m sure I won’t ever be able to look at her dead body and feel no feeling. or at least I wouldn’t fee that way for the rest of my life. love can be a strange thing but not sure if it exists in unconditional form 🙂
Well, just providing for a child physically, does not build the capacity for love, compassion and integrity. It leaves a void in the child and they can grow up asocial. Which can lead to low self esteem, drugs, prostitution, etc. If you do not believe you will love a child fully, why bother to bring a child into the world. Children need love and caring to flourish, without it, they languish. do not have children or provide for their love, safety, comfort and other needs some other way. I have no patience for someone who has a child, then leaves it to languish. Takes them a lifetime to recover, if ever
Stories like this justify my misanthropy.
I didn’t think it was possible for amother to hat her child. My mother i feel hates me. I know she does. IT hurts so much. My mother finally admitted it. She wont talk to me anymore, she turned my baby brother against me, and im not sure that i understand why a mother would hate their child. You may dislike my choices in life, but dont hate me. i am 28 years old, and for 27 years i have spent the holidays with my parents, i have only gotten to see them once a year for the past 9 years. However this year my mother and i got into it so bad this summer that she finally came out and admitted she hated me. I confronted her because i never really felt the LOVE from her. I felt she always despised me because i have a different father than her current husband. That is not my fault. I have to shut out that part of my past to make her happy, and i just can’t do that. Just because she doesn’t like that part of my family doesn’t mean that i have to shut them out. I love my mother with all my heart, and desperatley want her in my life. I dont know what to do to make her love me. Im not a bad person. I am in college, i work i am married to the love of my life. I just dont understand why she hates me so much. Granted i was not the best child in the world. I was molested by my biological father then i was beaten by my mother because i acted out. I couldn’t tell my mom about the abuse for years because i felt i was protecting her. When i was 3 and a half years old i was molested multiple times by my biological father and he told me that if i told anyone including my mother, that he would kill my mom in front of me. I was scared, so i couldn’t tell her. I wanted my mom to live. I know my bioligical father is not great, but that does not mean that his parents, or my uncles are bad people. I mean, when i was younger yes i acted out. Instead of my mother trying to figure out why i was acting out, she beat me. Tied me up to a chair with my socks, beat me with a belt(leather), and faced me in the corner for an hour or so until her soap opera was done. I was fine with that, until my baby brother came along. Then they started to hit him with the belt, i was not having that. I reported this to my school councelor who called dcyf on my mom. She never laid a hand on us again. I did that to protect my baby brother. That was all before i was 10 years old. THe past is the past, and i just wish i could find the love of my mother. All i care about is my family, it means the world….how could a mother hate her daughter? i will never know…maybe you all can shed some light. Because i am so hurt, i feel like i can’t go on in my life without my family. I feel so alone in this big world. I feel like nothing i do is ever going to be good enough. I guess Im just a bad person? Lord only knows….
Michelle, there is nothing you can do to change her. This is not about you, it is about her. You were a lovable new born and she chose not to bond with you or love you because of who she was married too.
Good for you for reporting the beating. You and your brother, your friends, perhaps a family of your own need to move on and create a loving circle of friends and family, and divorce the rest. Why put yourself in harms way?
She has admitted she did not love you, and nothing can change that unless she chose to enter into counseling with you in a family therapy situation. chances are she is not going to do that
So you need to create safety, love and friendships away from her. I quit participating in that family, and attached myself to my uncle who was wonderful with me and for me. He hated that my mom and my dad (divorced) neither were loving or in my life in a positive way/
Once I dumped them, my life got better, i focused outward on friends and find love on my own. I also spent some time in therapy to help me understand that this lack of love was her failing, not mine. Please consider it, I went to a family counselor/social worker and it was very helpful
nancy
Well put Nancy, it is their problem when they cant even love their own flesh and Blood, as my mother was like that. I think she has a mental illness, and also the fact that her and Dad constantly had arguements and physical violence with each other I think we got the blame for it. But like I said she adored the middle sister who exactly looked like her and even 30 years on she looks like Mum, even same hairdo whereas my older sister and I look like our father. But now I have 2 beautiful daughters who my husband and I adore. And even though they are in their 20s and moved away we still see each other as often as we can and everytime we still tell each other ” I love you” words I never ever heard from my parents in my lifetime not even a hug. But love my life now and enjoy every day and just be happy.
You are not a bad person Michelle, however you ended up in a bad situation, and certainly not one that you would have chosen for yourself! I can completely relate to not understanding how a mother cannot love her own daughter. It has taken therapy and encouragement from others (Nurse Nancy 🙂 ) who have walked this same path, to finally let go and realize that it is not our issue, but rather theirs. They have to own it. And yes, it hurts to the very core of our being, but we must move forward. Surround yourself with people that do love you including all of us online here.
Also may I mention when I had her up about not ever showing us love her answer to that was “Well I was never showed any love when I was a child” thats all she said. I dont understand where she is coming from with that comment is she saying just because she was not shown any love she is going to deny her children any love? I remember my grandma and she was the most caring loving person in my life so I find it hard to believe anything my mother says. My mother was well known for running my sister and I down and telling lies about us all the time.
Doesn;t know how to express love, and scared of the emotion, it is unfamiliar to her
Hello all. I too am a victim of a mother who didn’t love me. She (Rita)did, however, give me away at the age of three. But, this wasn’t the best option either. I was given to Willia and James (my father is now deceased) but I feel that Willia couldn’t have children “for a reason”; she wasn’t supposed to be a mother. Throughout childhood, I was mentally and physically abused. I don’t think it was because they didn’t want to love me, they just didn’t know how. I thought (38 now) all these years that my upbringing would have been much better had my biological mother kept me. I always resented her for giving me up to strangers and wondered why (she was 26 when I was born) she couldn’t or didn’t want to raise me. I even lashed out in a letter I wrote to my grandmother a few months ago. The response I got back from Rita was horrible. In the 1st paragraph, she said: “First of all, I didn’t have to have you, I could have just had an abortion. But, I carried you for nine month; I brought you into this world. And, for that alone, you should be thankful”. That basically confirmed how I felt about her and justified my feelings towards her. That is just horrible for a “mother” to say to their child. But my eyes have been opened after reading a few of the posts above. One in particular, suggests that I shouldn’t be resentful of my mother because she was aware that she ddin’t want me. So, she–unselfishly–gave me up to two people who did want me. After reading that, I am thankful, and no longer resentful of what she did to me. Eventhough, the choice was a bad one, she had no way of knowing that I would be subjected to the abuse. A weight has been lifted. Now, I just have to learn how to love and accept being loved. I have had a hard time in all my relationships (except for friendships) and–I think subconsciously–begin to reject those partners that bein to love me tooo much. I too am terrified of having kids because I am scared that I won’t be able to love them, because I wasn’t loved. But, I have faith and know that as long as I continue to work on myself and learn how to receive and give love, I will be just fine. In the letter Rita wrote she said I needed to let go of the past. I have finally let go and forgiven her for what she did; but she is unfortuantely a part of that past and I have let her go as well. Hopefully, I will find a partner who has loving parents/family with enough to spread around. I need some surrogate parents:(
You raise some important points, not all children given away, are given to good families. So in some cases, it is not the best. You do not owe her anything for bringing you into the world. She owes you for failure to find you a good home.
It is hard to love, and allow love when your life has been without. It can get scary, for sure, sometimes, counselling can be helpful in understanding this fear. Likewise, once you understand it more deeply, you can be open to accepting love in larger and larger doses as it presents itself. But none of this is your fault, and your mother is dead wrong about being grateful she had you. She did what she did, but she did not create a loving environment and safety for you. Blaming her however, just shuts her down in righteous indignation. So best to seek a good family dynamic counselor for your own growth and development, sooner than later, no sense in missing any available love in our lives right now.
Thank you so much for your kind words Nancy. This blog has really been helpful and certainly therapeutic. I wish that more people new about it because I have a few friends that are in the same boat.
Glad you found us. I just stumbled on to this blog as well. Couple years ago, I guess. So many of the stories are filled withi pain and struggle but I am always impressed that despite the absence of love, caring, mentoring, teaching, we have some very strong women here.
They seem to rise to the occasion and move on./ It is not without pain, but that is where I found my most help. Exploring the pain with a skilled counselor was the best thing I ever did. I encourage folks to at least try it, you never know what a supportive compassionate counselor can lead you through.
Nancy
I agree. I have been told on more than one occassion that I could have easily been a “statistic”–a product of my environment. But, I, like so many others, did rise above it all and refuse to accept the cards I was given. I turned those in and dealt myself a new hand. I am seriously considering getting professional help. I, like many others too, can’t afford another “bill” right now, but I am aware of the services offered by the United Way. I just have to get rid of the notion that I don’t need someone else to tell me what I already know. And, it doesn’t help that throughout stages in my chidlhood, my parents forced me to go to counseling. All those sessions were useless, as I refused to speak or answer any questions. I guess I understood at an early age that “I” wasn’t the only one who “needed” counseling. My parents didn’t understand that I was acting out because of how I was treated. And, that can be more sad than anything else–them having no clue.
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I never bonded with my mother – my mother told me she didn’t want me – when I was 14 the hospital discovered I was legally blind in one eye and very near-sighted in the other eye and that I had needed glasses as a toddler. My mother always called me bad and stupid and she told me she liked nothing about me. When I was 40 she told me to kill myself.
My mother acts like we are close when others are around. I am so sorry I feel that I will have peace when she finallydies.
Linda, you do not owe your mother a thing, nor are you obligated to continue to accept her abuse. She is being abusive but secretive about it. My mother was teh same, everyone loved her and could not understand how I could just walk away.
Walking away turned out to be the best thing I ever did, I was happy, had no negative input and began to feel peace for teh first time in my life. Your mother will not change, she has behaved like this your whole life, she neglected and abused you. You would be better served to cut that cancer out of your life and move on. It does not matter what others think about it, it is none of yoru business. You owe yourself a better life
Nancy
Dear Paula,
The artistic one.
Don’t waste time hoping your mother will change. My mother is the same & now feeds of trying to do things to hurt me. Although I now live in a seperate country – she gets involved with things to do with me – to spoil them. She has a problem not you. I have learnt to not be close to her anymore. Don’t let people who are miserable in their lives make u miserable in yours.
Luv, Anya
Anya, your strength is wonderful. Continue to do your best to keep her out of your life, her perverse enjoyment of making life difficult for you, is terrible. You deserve happiness and to have a life free of her torment.
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So many sad stories here and I recognise them as my own too. I have studied for some years now Narcissistic Personality Disorder which my mother has showing all these signs…..many of your stories here are reflecting the same problem. Do yourselves a favour and get help – if you can’t afford therapy and many cannot, then google NPD, or Narcissistic Mothers and find support.
Be careful though, some narcissistic people set themselves up as experts. Go gently, trust slowly and make your own decisions on that one.
Nancy knows that such mothers do make daughters feel worthless and unloveable. It is our role to heal that and leave those toxic women behind.
Of course a lot of the problem is that our culture finds the lack of mother love a taboo. Try and tell others about your problem and it is a classic case of blame the victim !!!
Tell your stories publicly I say and we might help just one other person !
I agree that by gently mirroring back what we see abusive in each others lives, we can build a community of support. The lack of love and caring in our lives is not about us being unloveable, It is about the parent so deeply involved in herself, that she cares not for our needs.
We have a right to be here, we were given life and we can find ways to enjoy our lives, even if we have to divorce the toxic mothers who haunt us.
Wow. This is how it has been for me and my two daughters. I never truly bonded with my first daughter. With my second it was immediate–just like you always hear about, “love at first sight”. I am a good person, I have wonderful, loving parents and had a happy childhood. I also was married before having my first daughter and was excited and prepared and in my late 20’s, so I don’t think a situation of feeling like it wasn’t the right time caused this problem. But with my first I had a horrible horrible birth experience which upset me for years and resulted in me refusing to go to the hospital to give birth to my second, so I stayed home and had her in the bathtub. The other thing, and I think this is really the issue: I had severe post-partum depression. And like the mother in the article, I didn’t know it was depression, and I lied and told everyone I was fine. This severe depression went on for 15 months before my health started to fail because of it and I finally go help.
So I got medication, the depression got better, but the damage was done. My first daughter is 7 now. I am naturally more patient with my second daughter (4 yrs) even when she is more of a stinker, which she usually is. My older daughter is actually really well-behaved, smart, responsible, creative, etc. She is a delightful little girl. But the slightest thing will make me lose patience with her, get irritated with her, etc. It’s not fair at all, and it’s very likely more horrible for me than it is for her because I seriously have done the “fake it ’til you make it” thing and I don’t think she really picks up on it. I worry so much that she does, but I have told my husband this and he said he really can’t see that I treat either of them differently. But the guilt is still in ME. I want to feel for her like I do my other daughter, but I don’t think it will ever happen. One thing I have done is tried to find things she and I really like in common and emphasize those things. That has helped a lot. She loves having her hair done up before school, so we do that every morning. We pick out a hair-do and we do that together. That does help me to feel closer to her.
It’s really hard. My goal as a mother is to have her never know this. I am trying so hard.
You are in a wonderful position to benefit from counseling. Learning more patience with your first daughter would go a long way makiing her feel more accepted. Many daughters who are unloved (read lack bonding with parent) will become perfect little girls, in order to try to control the bad episodes between them and their nonbonded parent.
It is the only control they have over their environment, is to be perfect, but when that doesn’t work , they try to be more perfect and that takes a terrible emotional toll on them. Even though she does not act out, she is impacted and trying harder and harder to win approval, imho. I think it would be helpful for you to address this with a good family counselor. Your birth experience was awful, and I am sorry for that. But your daughter did not cause it, so there may be ways to get clear about where the fault lies and ease off on your expectations for her. Best of luck to you, it is not an easy position to be in, but it can be improved at least, if not able to do late bonding
if you did not love your oldest daughter you would not feel shame or remorse or even try to change. I think you are a good example of how a mother can have these depressions and issues and not be lazy about it and try to form a bond with your daughter. You need time where its just the two of your relaxing with no one else around in order for you to start having more patience. She might be a type of personalilty that has a more of an affect on your patiences then your youngest daughter and you just need to undertand her motives. but other than that i think you are an example of what a good mother would do in a difficult situation. good luck
I agree, but I would also encourage some counseling for mom, to ease some of her anxiety and anger that gets directed to the child in the form of impatience that she has identified. It makes it all easier and clearer
Let us know how your presentation goes, happy you are with us
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Love is a choice……Because a mother, or a father, choose not to find a reason to love their child is reprehensible. I hope an unforgivable sin. I hate my mother because she physically and verbal abused me and my twin….and always blamed her actions on our Dad’s alcoholism, even after he had stopped drinking and submitted to her endless demands. She told us twins enumerable times that she wished she never gave birth to us, as if the beatings were not sufficient. I joined the service at age 17 and left home. It is a mystery that haunts and hurts me every waking day. I love my wife and kids….everyone of them…..and I always will, but it eludes my understanding that I was such a wretch in the eyes of the person who birthed me.
Paulina,
Very strange that you sensed that. I also knew at an early age that my adoptive Mother did not like me.. I don’t recall hearing her tell me that she loved me, and from the time I was early teens, her and I fought. I saw my mother giving my sister things, doing things with her. etc. and then to be told that I am stupid.. Well how did she think these things would never effect me and follow me into my being an adult. My dad, I use to put on a pedestal, until I realized how he hid when she decided that she wanted to slap me up.
The pain parents will burden children with continues to amaze me, because for so long I thought I was the rare one not loved. I think that it is healthy to acknowledge how they treated us, but it is also critical that we realize and repeat to ourselves, their behavior had nothing to do with us. It is all about unloving, unbonded parents, not about the innocent child
So many many times I have fought for my Adoptive mothers love, and she ignores it.. So many times I have wanted her to do important things with me, and she wouldn’t. High School, Health occupations Mother/daughter banquet.. she wouldn’t go. I asked a friend of the family if she would be there with me. How sad for a friend of theirs to be there for me and she wouldn’t.
Gastric bypass meeting… she wouldn’t go..
Breast cancer. She was there for my surgery, otherwise would not go with me to any of my treatments.. That one took the cake! Not to mention not a word from her or anyone else in the family that they were happy for me to be done with treatments. Wow… Really??
Then she has the audacity to have my dad call while I can hear her handling the phone on another end, and my dad telling me that He is sorry that in my eyes I feel that they are bad parents. And that my mother doesn’t want anymore emails from me.. Well fine. when all she can write to me is nasty letters, and then tell me that she would be giving my brother and sister a copy of her email to me.. I finally told her to go ahead.. and that will show them that you told me!
I do not ever recall her telling me that she loved me, she has never once and never would admit to being wrong or apologize for what she has done etc.
They even have 2 wonderful and smart Grand children, and they never treated them like they had an opinion, they never really took care of them when sick, just stuck them in a back bedroom for the day.. never had soup or anything.
A day finally came one day when I was a teen and crying.. I don’t remember about what… as teen girls go through things.. but I remember heading up to my room and all of the sudden she is behind me and then started slapping me continuously, till I grabbed her by the wrists and said THAT’S ENOUGH! Hard knowing that my dad was in a room close by and never came out to see what was going on or to stop her. She took away my key to the house, so I was always locked out. fortunately there was a back deck with stairs to mine and my sisters rooms, so I would crack open my window before leaving the house, and then while she was gone, would go back, jiggle my window open, get in and get what I needed and leave again. What Mother does that to her child!! I even was being dropped off by someone that I had baby sat for and when I realized I couldn’t get in, he drove me to a friends house, and I remember him saying Unbelievable! What parent leads a child to believe that every fight that has happened is the child’s fault, at least I can admit when I am wrong, not always easy, but I do it.
So to say the least the not going with me to any treatments and never calling to see how I was doing, was the last straw. I have decided to distance myself from them for my sanity.. I can’t take it anymore.. I am so tired of having everything reversed on to me.. I feel for her and pray for her that she sees it, and even if she does, I know she will never ever admit it. she will die before saying admitting any wrong. Sad that she can’t come around to know my life, but only the ones who kiss her a….
it brings me sadness, but all I want is to be happy, be grateful to be cancer free and love my family to the fullest.
You deserve to be happy, and the things your adoptive mother did to you, have nothing to do with you. It is all about her inadequacies.
Distancing your self is a very healthy thing to do. You really do not need anymore harm or hurt, A divorce from here is healthy, and necessary for your own sanity. Meantime if you have not dealth with this in counseling, may I suggest, that a good msw counselor is a good investment? I spent a lot of time with one, and she was very helpful in affirming my experience was not about me at all. I had to seek others in my life for comfort and guidance but it was well worth it, instead of being stuck in poverty, alcoholism and other destructive spirals, I was able to step away cleanly, and find my own path. I can now regard what happened to me as a part of my past, and it does not create daily pain anylonger
I am a long time ago I read your blog and it has long been expressing that you are a terrific writer
Hi – sorry to read of your suffering. My real mother was like that to me and I’m still recovering from the brain damage caused by my real father. I gave my daughter up for adoption because I knew that I had no clue about how to be a good mom and her adoptive mom is a loving jewel! So, its really the luck of the draw. Also want to share that I didn’t know what love was until I experienced Reiki and energy healing 8 years ago. There is no dogma or religion to it, just pure mother love energy the way it is supposed to feel (i think!). Its a very low frequency vibration that you can condition your body to maintain. Its helping me overcome auto-immune and pain from injuries. If you get trained in the practice you can find others who practice in your area and treat each other for free. I meet with my Reiki buddy once a week and I am wiped out for the rest of the day and night after the treatment. But then feel much softer, more relaxed and calmer after that.
I see now that I did not operate at a love frequency base line before I learned to care for myself in this way. My other saving grace has been relaxation meditation. Maybe the best gift a loving mother gives to us the the sense of safety and relaxation that comes from being loved. I’ll spend the rest of my life learning how to improve and maintain that sensation.
You have chosen good tools to care for yourself, and learn love deeply. I am sorry about your injuries and mistreatment from your mother. As always, it was not that you were an unlovable child but that your mother could not love, nor did she learn to love. Sometimes when we look at their lives, they are worse than ours,so often they have no love to give.
I wish you peace, happiness and what ever adds a measure to your life. It is not easy to come into the world unwanted, but it was never about us.
hello
My Mother loved me once when i as young. she showed me in little ways, by braiding my hair the way i liked it or making something delicious to eat after school. That is until my dad took an interest. Then it was like she was mad at me all the time. She asked me once if my dad was TOUCHING me. You know?
I was 12 what did i know, of course I told her NO, then started to think about it. Was my dad being inapropriate toward me was he holding the kisses just a bit too long was his hand straying a little to close to by buddding breasts?
I pushed my dad away because my mom was jealous.
Today, I don’t think my mom ever really loved me, she just didn’t like my dad. She loves my 3 brothers very much because they always took her side against my dad. My 4th brother died in a car accident when i was 18. He 23. My mom blames my dad. I was the middle child and only girl.
I had a stroke last year, I am 53. My Husband called all my family including my mother. My mom had my sister-in-law drive her all the way to PA from TX so she could “take care of me” (she did not call, she just came) I was still in the hospital and would continue to be so for another month. My husband did not invite her to stay alone with him at our house. She and my youngest brothers wife went back to TX a couple days later. My dad sent flowers and told me to get better soon, and he called for progress reports from my husband..
Mom and dad now divorced for about 25 years.
As soon as i got home from the hospital i had a letter waiting for me from mom. She said that she had NEVER been treated so badly by anyone in her life. Then continued to tell me all the bad things MY daughters did to HER when they had visited her *8* years before. EIGHT Years!!! She never said anything at the time. I don’t believe one word. She is just trying to be hurtful and the biggest martyr the world has ever known. Now she can sit back in her almighty christian self righteous chair and boohoo about how badly i treated her and how much like my father i am. She has turned my brother against me too. I am angry with her for not loving me.
I do want my mom to love me, I know i did nothing intentional to hurt her, unless you count loving my father. My brothers never call or write, not even at christmas.
I forgive her for not loving me but i know she will not forgive me for loving my dad.
God Bless us, Everyone.
Well, Mickey, sorry to hear all of this. Perhaps your mothers rant in the letter came about because of attention being paid to you at the time of your stroke, but who knows. I encourage folks to take a toxic letter like that out into the back yard, and burn it. Let the pain and lack of love be burned up with the letter and move on in your own life.
Sibilings often get mixed messages when one parent is jealous of the others’ relationship with the child. Hard to say what happened there but you need to move on for your own good. I divorced my parents when the abuses got too heavy, and it was very healthy for me, I just moved away, and unlisted my phone
your messed up i don’t know if i need help but i am about to turn 13 and my mother has told me 3 times already that she doesn’t give a crap about my birthday…sadly it hurts me…i feel like she is saying that she doesn’t care about me being born or doesn’t love me..i feel like trash i cry all the time… i have tried apologizing but it never works…i cry in front of her and still nothing</3my dad has told me that my mom wanted to have me,that he didn't have anything to do with me 😥 i feel like death is an option but i can't do that….i am probably going through those teenager problem years but if i am i want it to be over now i am broken hearted and also my 7 year old little brother always gets the most attention and he threatens to hit me …….she tells me i am ugly………..and when i wrote this she was lauhphing am i really ugly?…..am i even loved? i need answers cause i am dying inside and probably outside too</3 help me…..
Well the first piece of advice I have for you is to go to the school office, and ask about a counselor. You do not have to tell them why, if that doesn’t work ask to see the school nurse.
It is painful to have a parent who does not express love for us. But you may have others in your life who can support and mentor you. Coach, teacher, grandparents, etc. You might see if another family member could provide you support and mentoring. A parent should be teaching you how to live life, your mother does not seem to be doing that, it may be that she does not know how. Where is your dad, do you have grandparents near by?
I think you need to discuss this with a trusted adult. please try that and let us know
My mum is a softly spoken “everyone thinks she’s lovely” perfectionist. Who does everything right and loves two of her children but not me. It’s not overt. She doesn’t say she doesn’t love me. She just allows other family members to be degrading or abusive. She supports and props up the abusers, she turns a blind-eye. It’s noticeable by comparison, the day off work to take the other child to hospital but not me. If i fall down the stairs and bust my ankle she will sit at the table and pretend she doesnt’ hear it. The burn she doesn’t tend to. The painful letter she doesn’t respond to. She visits her first grandchild a lot but she can’t look at me. Didn’t want me to lie on her as a child because i’m too bony, couldn’t snuggle in the side of the bed because i wriggle too much. She sneaks in my room as a teenager and looks through my things to find evidence of things i do wrong and then reports them to my abusive dad so he will dish out the pain. Very excessive family chores while golden child goes to her friends. It’s so unusual for the mother to outright admit she hates you, because that would ruin their own self image. It’s subtle and you would need to a thousand examples to prove it to society but you know . She will do just enough so that know one believes you. But you know. And you have no mother. I remember me asking why my mother didn’t love me at 5. 5! I My therapist says i trigger her dissacociation. That she’s had some abuse that she can’t remember. Well that is sad. But her abuse hasn’t stopped her loving her other two children. And I’ve had abuse i do remember. I have sadness and anger. But i am a good parent. I LOVE both my children deeply. And i deal with my hurt I don’t inflict it on my children. And i’ve read about Post Partum and narcissists and all the rest. And I still don’t understand or accept how a mother can feel like this. I believe they do and could have control over their feelings. They can obviously love – because they love the other child. . Post partum depression is real but you could still work on it and when that depression eases you could spend time growing that bond. You could fall in love with that child. Spend time with that child. The woman above recoils when her child touches her – monstrous. I don’t understand. It’s extremely painful.
I understand very well. My mother was well thought of in the community, had many friends, but did not love me, was overtly abusive only when others were not around. I was a model kid, worked hard around the farm and house, took care of my brothers, and did well in school. Still she reigned terror down me continously until I left home. It is not about you, it is about her inability to love you, you were not unlovable. It reaches a point where it is so disruptive some consider cutting the parent out of their lives rather than sign up for repeated doses of mistreatment. It was never about you, it was about her ability to pick and choose who she would love or bond with. She is maliscious in her way of behaving toward you. You have the right to step away from mistreatment and move on with your life
Penny: I totally relate to your story. I too grew up with a mother who was perfect to the outside world, did not drink, did not run around with men, kept the house clean, was kind and pleasant to others. It is very difficult to tell anyone or have anyone believe you for that matter when you tell them “my mother never loved me” . Society seems to believe that what makes a bad mother is an alcoholic, a drug abuser, a non productive member of society. If they are not shoving a needle in their arm, how could they possibly, be a bad parent? I grew up with a mother who favored one child, her middle son. My oldest brother who is 5 yrs older than me, beat me, almost every day, humiliated me, degraded me, knocked me down emotionally, mentally, any way humanely possible for my whole life right into adult hood. Through all this, my mother turned a blind eye. If I tried to talk to her about it, she blamed me. Anything would set him off. From touching anything that belonged to him, to simply saying what I did in scholl that day. She never said she loved me, not once in my life. She never gave me a “good job Im pround of you” she never mentored me, she never did anything with me, no mother daughter time. Nothing. But with my middle brother, she coddled, loved, had his every need met. When I was a child growing up, if he was unable to be home for lunch from school, there would be no lunch for me. He brought his friends in daily and she fed them laughed with them joked with them but i was unable to bring mine home for fear of what she would say to them or me for that matter. She treated everyone I knew badly. At a very young age she started telling me to join the army to get rid of me (around the 8th or 9th grade). It escalted to the point where I spent years living in the same house and her not speaking one single word to me. When she did, it was simply derogatory, negative and soul crushing. Today she is 80 yrs old. I have not spoken to her since Oct 10th 2011, thanksgiving day, when she decided to tell everyone, out of the clear blue sky, during thanksgiving dinner, what a piece of crap she thinks I am. How I simply use her to watch my dog, how I never do anyting for her. My man and I have done everything for her the last several years as her golden child son lives in another city and the abusive son did nothing for her anyway. Believe me it was not easy because through it all, she continued to belittle me as she always had. Thanksgiving day, I said not a word, took my plate to the kitchen, gathered up my little dog and went home. I am done with the abuse. I sent my brother a long letter, and I will admit, it was not nice, and slept like a baby that night for the first time in 15 yrs. We were never close to say the least so removing him from my life will not leave much of a void………… You are not alone. I understand what you go through. The only advise I have is the best revenge is living well. Live well, learn from her one lesson, the kind of person you don’t ever want to be and strive to be better and let go of the hope it could ever be different.
Kelly
Hi Kelly;
There are so many of us here experiencing the same thing. My mother too was considered to be so wonderful by everyone she came in contact with. But from a very young age, I knew that my mom did not love me. It was an instinct back at the tender age of 4 or 5, but I knew. As I got older, I saw the difference in the way she treated me and my brother. Over the years it came out more and more until finally last September at a family dinner she told me that she had burnt all my baby pictures and barbie dolls etc. I did the same as you, I took my plate to the kitchen then gathered my things and left. I have not spoken to them (mom and dad) since September 18, 2011. It is a difficult decision, particularly when the holidays happen. Easter was a very difficult day for me yesterday, but really, the peace I have felt since I removed myself from her direct line of fire is amazing. Life goes on and it can be good. Just because they gave birth to us does not give them the right to emotional abuse us. We will wear those scars our entire lives, but look at the amazing women we truly are. Hugz my friend!!
Debbie
Debbie: Although I am so sorry for the crap you have gone through it makes me feel better knowing someone else understands, empathizes and relates because up until this point in my life very few people have understood, or even believed what I was telling them. I suppose most people do not relate because they have always had loving supportive mothers and I imagine it is almost uncomprehensible to them, that some of us were simply unloved. Anyway, about easter this past weekend. I get what your saying. My so called “family” was all together including the golden child brother I mentioned. I received one text from my other brothers wife saying they were all going to their house for easter lunch and then she said, although she knew I “probably would not come” I was still invited. lol I wonder if she was actually trying to say “please don’t come” but I can clear my conscience by inviting you this way. I don’t know, nor do I care. I didn’t go. I spent the day with my guy, I cooked enough food to feed a small army and at the end of the day I reminded myself of the last “holiday” and thanked the heavens for allowing me a holiday day where I was FINALLY not humiliated , shit on or emotionally abused by my mother or anyone else in the “family”. It was nice.
Kelly I totally understand where you come from. I went through the same thing except it was my middle sister who was the golden child with my mother. I had not talk to my mother for 5 years and now she has told me she has cancer I will be there for her but still very untrusting and hesitant of her as I know she can just turn on you at the snap of fingers. I have 2 wonderful daughters and a loving husband which is the best thing that ever happened to me in my life and the best labrador loyal dog in the world called Buddy ( We call him our baby boy) and thats all I need. So give your heart to the people that are there for you and love you and dont waste your time with people that havent been there, cos the people that are there are the only ones that matter. I wish you all the good karma in life and all the best.
Kelly, you are on the right track. Cutting toxic people out of your life is a healthy thing to do. From there we make a circle of friends who we love and trust and move on. We have to recognize they are incapable of loving us, and it is never about the child. You are a glowing example of getting on with our lives. Yes, we hurt some, often a lot but it is not our issue. You have proven that thru your children and your loving husband. Stay the course. YOu are a great example
Nancy
Thank you for your replies. It made me feel stronger today. What amazing support. And Kelley your childhood sounds exactly like mine! Sigh. I agree live well. I do have a lovely husband and children who i am so thankful for. Thankfully we are financially self sufficient. Going no contact from your family is tough though. . I am in the process. It requires inner strength. You just want to curl up in your bed and cry and cry. Reading these posts gives me strength. What amazing women. Thanks
Well, I always weighed how I felt when they were not in my life against when they were. I always felt better not being slammed in the gut, That does not solve the hurt and ache in one’s heart from the lack of love but as we moved forward we back fill that to the extent we can with those around us.
You recognize therefore significantly in relation to this matter, made me personally believe it from a lot of various angles. Its like men and women aren’t fascinated until it is one thing to do with Lady gaga! Your personal stuffs outstanding. Always handle it up!
I’m 24 year old woman and I tried everything to make my mom happy but doesn’t work now I’m giving up,it takes guts to confess not loving ur child!
Mpume, takes more courage to leave the abuser in the dust. Good for you, finding a new way to be in life without her. It is important for your own mental health
At age 10 my mother told me she hated me and wish I hadn’t been born.
After that happened I knew I’d never have her love I’m 48 and my sister is going to be 46 and she can do nothing wrong in my mother’s eyes I moved from the east coast to Nevada 4 years ago to get some distance and to start over basically my mom and sister don’t care if I exist-I’m lucky to have met my spouse of 25 years we are our own family and love each other unconditionally
That sucks, Lee. What a shocking thing to say to a child. Good on you for starting a family that is based on love. You are beating the odds.
Yeah I do have problems with Manic Depression keeping that stuff inside as I kid didn’t help at all.
My mother is paying the price in a way she has MS and Diabetes I’ve been trying to call her to see how she is doing but as of today my 3 calls and 3 calls and texts to my sister remain unanswered in my head I ask myself what did I do that was so wrong but I know it’s not me it’s her after years of therapy thats the only answer that make sense.
I due write some meaning poetry a gift of all the crap I went though:
Limited Love
What happened to the love.
Where did it go.
Arms that were open and honest.
Have changed to folded with disgusted.
Did I scare you.
Mock you.
Expose your inner self.
Honor you.
Make you smile.
Got to close.
An action done by few.
Hold on to the memories.
That’s all you will have.
Time to move on.
Spread my wings.
Take a breath.
Refocus.
Renew.
wlg2012
Never your fault, the unloving mother, the icy heart, the evil mind is owned by the unloving parent. It is nto the child
I am 5o year old and it still same. from day one I am craving for mother’s love. She thought I am ugly while whole world and my husband think I am beautiful Whatever I do she do not love me that is end of the story. I never found shoulder to cry lap tp rest. She hated person whom I marry until he become very rich . Now she talk with him properly because he is leading doctor and rich. When I call her once in every 15 days I am always scared that she will get mad to me. When I visit her once a year I give lot of money so she let me visit her and the thing is they are not poor they are doing very good. No support from my father in this situation. I got beaten up while growing from both mom and dad a lot but more from mom even day before my wedding.
Mona, this is not your fault, find friends, rely on your husband, and step away from your mother. Her attitude and behavior are emotional abuse, I would not continue to put my self in her path so that she could continue to treat me like that. Live a good life, love your husband and your family, and let her and him go. This is not loving behavior and it will not change. You are not the problem
That sounds very painful Mona. It’s a very painful and unnatural feeling to have a mother think badly of you. It sounds like your husband thinks well of you. Stay strong. Live a good life.
Thanks for your reply. Now I am at USA and 50 year old. Every morning I open my eyes and I think about my mom. I still want her love . My husband understand it and love me very much but parents are….. I am still hungry for mother’s love.More she hate me more I want her love. She hated me for every reason and I fix it thinking that now she will like me. She used to tease me that your breast is so small like lemon while I was teenager so after kids I did enlargement.this is just example. I want to hold her hand ,drink coffee and talk ….which is a dream for me.While I am typing this I am crying.
Don’t worry, I wasn’t loved by my mother. And my father had left before I was born. Either because my grandpa made him leave after getting my mom pregnant or he didn’t want the responsibility. Only he knows cause my mom and grandpa have two different reasons. Anyway I wasn’t loved by my grandparents who raised me either. My grandma was a smoked and alcoholic through 18 years of my life. I’m 19 now. She would say I’m a lazy asshole. I’m a no good loser. And shit. W.e she’s a stupid drunken bitch. But hey she was right. I am a no good loser. So dammit she was a right stupid bitch. Anyway, I’m sure its okay not to love your child. I wasn’t loved any moment of my life and I’m fine. So your other people should be fine too.
TJ. That’s awful. You’ve come through the hard part. The part where you have no choice but to live with people you didn’t choose and who treated you badly. Make a better life for yourself. You are young. I Hope you find love in your life and someone who is good to you. It just didn’t come unconditionally from your family like it should have. I hope you find it elsewhere.
Here is what I learned at about age 22 from a wonderful mentor, after a life of abuse and pain, and not being cared for by anyone.
She said, you can live your life believing the lies you were fed by dysfunctional unloving care givers, or you can start where you are now, and build a life. You can still choose to do this.
Its a matter of choice, you are not what you were told, you are a valuable, individual who can choose to start where you are now. Please consider that
Check
I found this blog by trying to search for people whom did not love their mothers and I found this. I was born to a woman who should never have been allowed to give birth, let alone be a “mother”. She had me when she was older, came from”the old country” had no family here in America, married my father, who was a horrible alcoholic, but for some reason they supossedly wanted a child. She told me she tried hard to have a baby- thats the sad part. I spent my life trying to stay away from them. She was the kind of mother who would call me names if I wore make up and was way to strict on me at an early age. So what happens? I started having sex when I was 14 to try to get a boyfriend so I could find my own “love”. Thank god I never had a child. I also was an only child, which totaly made me feel alone. This woman, I call her “an egg doner” put/s me though hell. After reading this I believe she did love me, but maybe only until I reached the age of 10 or 11 when she started reading my diary and spying on me constantly. I have NO bond with her on my end- the woman has NO friends and quite frankly is a nasty woman. I feel like I was jipped because I now am the the one left with NO family whats so ever. I hurt all the time and I am upset that no one understands the fact that I dont love my mother. If you knew what I went through and how she treated me I think you would understand. I think she is actually happy that my life has made a turn for the worse. My father is useless and has been brainwashed by her. The abuse I had to grow up with was something else because it wasnt physical- it was verbal and mental. Ive cried on numerous occasions wondering WHY, why did she have to give bith to me? She is also the kind that had to put up a great facade of having a good family. It was nowhere near good. I am glad I have read on here about people NOT giving birth because they feel they wouldnt be good parents- to them alls I can say is, thank you. I only WISH I would have been adopted. SHe used me in away to have her fantasy and because I didnt turn out the way SHE wanted, married with children, I am a lepor. I would GIVE ANYTHING to have a family, a brother, a sister, an uncle, an aunt, ANYTHING where I could say I have a family. I cant thelp it I am single. SHE thinks there is something wrong with me, when in fact I am a very nice and physically good looking girl. Good boyfriends/husbands are hard to find. If anyone has a simalar experience and they want to talk, let me know.
Victoria, I have had the same experience for the most part, I don’t know if I am allowed to give my yahoo messenger nic on here but I will anyway hope you get it and please contact me. KellyGrey78@yahoo.com.
Hi,
I read your story of life. Some time daughter also responsible why mom do not love them. What you wrote that at age 14 you were with boys that is very wrong. I fall in love with my books and went in medical school and fall in love with my field and got married with proper age. I am from India so I do not approve today also if my daughter do this type stuff.
My mom did not loved me for lot of reason and not only me she fail to love all three of us. All of us have very high education and very happy only thing mom was not able to love kids. I don’t know yoyr age but if there is chance pls. go to school. Study and it will change your future.
Mona, you are dead wrong, the child is NEVER at fault when a mother chooses to not love a child. Usually these kids are not loved from birth, then they look for love elsewhere, and sometimes end up pregnancy or on drugs and alcohol trying to fill the void in their lives. There has to be someone present for the child, when they are not loved. The child can survive these loveless lives, with an enlightened witness.
http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php?page=2
Hello Victoria,
I am a 34 year old, eldest son of two. My mother did not keep me when I was born. My father fooled her and was already married to another woman. They both lied to each other and the release valve for my mother’s failures were an innocent child. She gave the facade and dog and pony show to the world.. She took credit for the good things I did in public. My aunt and uncle actually helped raise me. Unfortunately, my mother and her manic and traumatic treatment continued. She would start taking me to “visit” her on weeknds once she re-married and had my brother. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and eventurally sexually tortured by the stepfather.. she never cared to fight for me.. she even beat me up mercilessly if her husband had a complaint. she had me drink rotten milk and sit outside her apartment when they ate dinner. on some occasions, i was “lucky” if I ate at the sofa, while she, her husband and my brother ate a the table. Wait.. it get’s worse.. I married at age 20 to make my own family and married a very sweet but harmed person.. Fast forward to 2012, I wanted out of my marriage because of our different views on life.. I give no excuses and love all people, because I know of the pain, the void, and I don’t want anyone I love to feel that…. my wife and i splist up.. Then the monstrous attitude of my mother came out.. she said ” you are dead to me as a son” and wrote me off.. a few months later my wife and i reconciled, bought a new home and our two daughters are doing wel. Then in June of this year, my cousin was killed by an armed coward for no reason.. My mother went into a tirade spreading idiotic rumors that other cousins will exact revenge, etc.. I was called by many family members telling me to talk to her to cut it out.. My wife was present during the phone call.. it was the worst of all conversations.. she exploded mother-f’ed me, and said the worst things a son can hear. At that point I cut all ties.. we went to my cousin’s viewing, the funeral and I stayed away from my mother.. The only thing I said, while I shoveled dirt onto the coffin was, “I’m sorry I’m not the perfect son” and I walked away. I have two wonderful daughters, a wonderful wife and I believe I am doing all I can. Sometimes we have to leave things/people behind, and not look back.
Thank you Nancy. Mona is wrong about that. Assuming I have no education is just ridiculous. My mother never “approved” of me having sex at 14!- but there was no way to stop me. I snuck around until I could move and I moved 3000 miles away. I had a very good buisness for 15 yrs and I was married to a very rich man who used to cheat on me with hookers-so I left him, the interesting thing about that is my mother actually wanted me to stay with the man, can you imagine that? What kind of mother would want her daughter to be with a disgusting man like that, just because he was rich and made her look good. Sorry
Mona but I resent that remark about “sometimes daughters make their mothers not love them” That is a very ignorant (uneducated) statement and you really should think about that one because it sounds disgusting. Hopefuly you wont have a “daughter that makes you not love her”. *SHRUGZ*Unbelievable!
Kelly- Thank you. I emailed you at that email you left. I dont know how to do “yahoo-messaging” or anything like that but my facebook is facebook.com/pvm777 or you can reply to the email I sent.
Hi Victoria, I gave you the wrong email address!!! For some reason my yahoo mail does not work no idea why?? Try kbkalai9@gmail.com would love to talk to you. Sorry I am not on facebook.
Kelly
Sorry Victoria you took it that way. I did not meant about you but but said that sometime daughter also do wrong thing. It does not mean you did wrong thing. In USA it might be correct to have sex at 14 but I am indian and my daughter is 20 everything very good. She went in direct medical at age 17 from 12th on base of SAT and SAT subject score.
Hope things work out with you and your mom. calm down.
Mona: Considering you come from a country where India’s treatment of women is abysmal. Dowry deaths, rapes and a swath of other crimes against women, arranged marriages, that are commonplace, it is hard for me to even understand how you can judge anyone from the western world for our behavior that is often a reflection of non existant parenting skills and lack of love and direction we experience as children. Indian women are raised to believe they are gender deficient just by being women. So, it does not surprise me at all that your mother did not love her daughters. In india boys have better access to education, food and many other amenities that girls struggle for. Matrimonial abuse is rampant in many parts of india and much of it coming from well to do families, perhaps you are in that catagory since your daughter is quite educated herself. Indian women have little to no civil rights and are often afraid of being killed by their own families for the most minor of offenses. Please Mona, do not think for one minute that a girls behavior in our countries is a reflection of anything but the person who failed to raise them and please, do not belittle our culture when yours has a few problems of its own to say the least.
Kelly
Yes, Kelly you are correct that’s why only one thing we have is education. Only one good thing we have there (I am setteled down in USA after my M.D) free education. You are correct if woman give birth to girl in laws treat her as if it her fault. Where we take birth is not in our hand but how we treat our life is in our hand. I studied and cleared USMLE and run aways USA and found great guy got married. We love our daughter so…..much. All Indian women are not like that but some can love kids .Life goes on . only thing that kid is hungry for mothers love. I am at age 50 hungry for mothers love.
Look I don’t judge people I don’t know. As long as she is 1 being honest (pretty impressive) and 2 not hurting her daughter, then she is fine.
Yes, the hunger never goes away, but you have to fill it with something else, Mother will not be there. You can find close women friends, learn to volunteer, get involved in life, caring for others, and you will find love welling up from your heart. It will be ok, but you cannot make a mother love you, once you quit trying, now the power is in your court, you are not the abused.
I do not have courage to ask my mother that how she feel about us because I know that can be my last visit . I wish some woman write that fail to produce love. At age 50 I can forget physical abuse but those verbal abuse go with my life.
Have you considered counseling? The pain that you feel disturbs your life deeply, with counseling you might better move on from this abusive relationship. You do not have to ask her how she feels, you already know that.
If you can find the power to move away from her emotionally with a counselor, you will be more powerful than she is. You will change the balance and not feel so abused
I did think my mother was a monster, and on some level still do, however, one of the things my therapist had me do, was to investigate my mother’s child hood. It was not a pretty picture. It gave me new perspective, but it did not relieve her of her responsibility for hateful, violent behavior. I was in foster care, she could have left me there. but she was worried about how that would “look”.
To change the dialog in your head, remember that how your mother treated you had nothing to do with your. You were not on some level defective, she was the issue, still is the issue, it was NEVER about you being unlovable. create love in your own life, among spouses, children, friends. You are a child of the universe and you have a right to be here. Your mothers attitude and unloving behavior is about her, not about you
I don’t like my mother cause she never love me
Kate, it is healthy to separate from people who do not like or love us when they are supposed to. It can be hard to not have family at hand, but finding friends to confide in and to support and be supported by can go a long way to easing the pain one feels by not being loved by their families. Its ok not to like your mom, she did not love you as she should have. Take care of yourself
Well I hate my mother.
Because she hated me.
i am the daughter that the mother that hated. she would tell me many times how she hated me-prayed for an early death to get away from me,i remember as a toddler being afraid of her and only wanting my dad- to this day- and i am a professional semi-retired female… when i hear mothers counting the days till their daughters visit and how much they love them-it is like a movie to me,i can not relate at all.i never had children because i was so afraid i would hurt them like i was hurt. the damage goees a long way….
You have a loving heart, and could be what ever you want as a mother or kindly aunt, or just a mentor for children.
You are right that the damage goes a long way.
My mom never loved me and as a results I have turned out to be just like her. I am true carbon copy of her. I have a daughter of my own and Im raising her the best possible way I know how..j*ust like my my mom has raised me* i know it is wrong and I really want to change this before its too late.I have tried telling my daughter that I love her but it doesnt come from the heart. The word sounds meaningless.I have however told her on numeruous occassions that I dont like her and everytime I tell her that it feels real & I tendI get a sense of relief….because atleast Im neing honest about m feelings and to her as well. I have asked her on couple of occassions to go and live with her father bit she doesnt want.I fear that i will harm her as my mother did. My mother once tried to kill me and I have emulated some of the methods she used when raising me up,the harsh tone she used, corporal punishment and verbal abuse.the only thing I havent done to her is to make her sleep outside or try to kill her..Im afraid it is going there and I will really like to change because I dont like the person I am when I am around her.Im a doting aunt to my cousins kids and my friend’s kids. I am warm towards them and I can spend the whole day tending to their needs a giving them the love and care they need but not my daughter.
She’s 11 yrs now and Im sure she has picked up the negative vibes… I dont have a relationship with my mother ,Our last interaction was when I was 14/15 when she kicked me out on one winter night..That night I went and slept under the tree and the folowing morning left and I never went back. Since then I only see her at family gatherings & even then we have never exchange words. I resent her and I really dont want to be like her ..I am 32 yrs of age now and I would really like to turn a new leaf and start treating my child as a human being but I am finding it difficult to even start. Sometimes I do apologize to her for treating her badly but the happy moments are always short lived.I am hopeless and would really love to love her before it is too late.You my mother’s absence has lead to so many unfortunate event in my life like looking for love at the wrong places and that one experience I wouldnt like Pearl my daugher to go through/
Why not enter counseling to deal with your own mother issues and how you are treating your child. Your mother will never change but you can, and you do owe it to your daughter to try
Ever since I had my daughter now 11 I have never ever had the urge to bear another child. I had several pregancies which ended in terminations(8 to be exact) as I do not want to harm another human being..I am not proud of what has transpired and I am thinking of havin my womb removed as Im scared of becoming a mother again because of the way my mother treated me….At the age of 32 I have not been able to identify true love and lust.I always took solace in people who never really cared about me and as a result I am finding it hard to open up or trust anyone.Its sad to a point that I dont want to exist anymore and I sometimes wish my mother could have aborted me just like I did with the kids I feared to bring to earth as I was too scared to harm them. I feel sorry for my daughter because she is suffering thanks to my upringing…I am not a good mother to her at all.I have never told her that i love her genuinely for as long as i remember and Im am scared she will end up like me…. A happy individual on the outside but miserable in he inside.
This is a heart-breaking thread. For those looking for books that might help, Dorothy Rowe is a psychologist whose mother didn’t love her, but loved her sister. She has written a lot of books, including about depression and sibling relationships. I’m not sure which book would be best, but I have read her ‘Guide to Life’, ‘The Successful Self’ and ‘Why We Lie’ and in all of them she has talked to some extent about the damage unloving parents do, why some people can’t love, and how we can heal ourselves. http://www.dorothyrowe.com.au/
I have went my whole life knowing my momther didn’t love me like she dose my brother & never understood why. When I had my own kids I really didn’t understand how she could love one & not the others!!! But it made me the mom I am & I have that to thank her for even if I don’t have anything else to ever thank her for.. I believe when your not loved by your momther it must b to make us stronger better ppl than ever!!
Signed, always wanting what will never b!!
Yes Grace, we do have a whole in our soul where our mothers were supposed to be. Yet you have moved on and had children and found them lovable. That is a wonderful scenario., and you can be proud that you were able to do that
I was partially (thank heavens for partially) raised by the psychotic bat that is my birth mother. I go there because it’s true. From about 3 months of age to 12, my grandmother and great-grandmother raised me, and I had a wonderful life full of love and joy out in the country. Plenty of life and laughter, and room to roam for days. I was officially and legally adopted by my grandmother so even today, I remind myself, that lawfully, I even have no ties to my birth mother (monster). That woman *tried* to break my spirit. All she did was stun me for a while, like the emotionally and spiritual equivalent of being hit with a tazer. I wondered, “How can a mother treat their own child so cruelly?” many a day and night, after she had raged about something or the other that was so petty, or how she would rummage through my belongings when I was out as a teen and use whatever she had read in my journal as fodder to spark some more crap soon as my foot hit the door’s threshold.
I would sometimes laugh at her as soon as she had left to area after a proper rage-out. She would work herself into such an amusing lather over the most minute thing that I may not have even had a hand in. I am 32 now, and house cleaning my spirit and heart from the crap I went through, and I realize I was fortunate from an early age to see that she simply had problems. Seeing that, was probably what prompted me to just runaway back home to grandma’s, where I was lucky enough to finish my senior year with friends I had since elementary. I was also lucky that my step-dad was a kind guy who seemed to do his best by me. They had a daughter, naturally, she was the younger “golden child” and is still walking on water till this day, 10 years my Jr., despite the fact that she did all the things that I was accused of by Mommy Dearest (using dope, screwing around, etc) and was less than stellar in academics, but she had some college paid for while I was left to my own devices despite numerous partial scholarships, athletic achievements, 4.0 average, and heavy courses.
She has poisoned my sister against me 100%, and our relationship is very distant and strained. I attempted to confront them both separately, and ask Mommy Dearest why she treated me like a hind while she has clearly favored my younger sister…while we are BOTH her children. That was met with the typical ice you can expect from something sub-human. What did I get? Basically, “go along with my rendition of what happened, or it’s bye and dial tone for you.” So, bye and dial tone it was. I realize that I will never get closure or an apology for the pain she caused me, and I am coming to accept that as a solid fact. I never really tried to get her approval or love, I just wanted to know WHY, and I can’t even get that. A part of me, my more logical nature, is fascinated by her behavior, sick as she was/is. I have my two kids of my own now, and I can’t imagine for a moment treating them how she treated me. I’d rather be killed by lions than to make my kids endure what I endured living with that monster of a woman for 7 years of my life. I am always struggling to assess my every action to be sure I am being fair to them, and any mistake I check myself on, can keep me up at night wallowing in guilt. I encourage them to correct me if they feel I am in error, and I don’t chastise them except for the most careless behavior. I let them know, that as a parent, I am NOT above reproach and I make mistakes. I let them know that I will love them no matter what, no conditions. I will always be here even if I don’t understand, I’ll listen while they tell me about it and support them in what they choose to do.
My birth mother turned her back on me for 10+ years after I called the law on her when she tried to cut me with a sharp piece of plastic (the night I ran away) and when the cops came, they found the psycho’s dope stash and it was all over for her then. Yes, she refused to talk to me for 10 years even after she tried to attack me. How she got my sister back, I’ll never know, because my step-dad walked out the very next day after I ran away back to my real home. I’m happily married and I have a perfectly imperfect life, but it’s a good life. I have come to understand that in this life, you sometimes get good examples and you sometimes get bad examples and sometimes you flat out see what a human should never be. I wonder if my sister got the better end of the bargain, as she was the favored one. However, she is also the one that was with that Monster her whole life and her talons are still deep in that child for sure. She has a perfect looking Facebook “life”, but who up there doesn’t have that? Since we aren’t that close, I can only imagine what type of damage has been done to her and how she really is doing.
I’m just fortunate and glad that I found myself. Speaking of which, Monster had the nerve to ask me “Do you know who you are?” in that conversation I had with her regarding why she treated me like crap. “Nothing like you” is what I wished I would have told her, but at least I was still honest when I told her I was a Seeker, looking for the truth in all things. It still bothers me that she had the nerve to ask me such a query, when it’s clear, that she has no idea who or what she is. She has no one in her life but her shadow (my golden child sister) as she has pushed everyone else out and away. She can’t even keep houseplants alive. I wish that she will find peace one day, but I have nothing for her. She will never see my kids in real life and I very likely, won’t even be at her funeral.
In order for her to stay in her denial about what a witch she is, she has to try to keep you on the defense, so her query is about her, not about you. It may be designed to throw you off your step. I like the, “Nothing like you response”, as you clearly have transcended your horrendous exposure to her. Your grands, were your enlightened witness, http://depressionfree.blogspot.com/2008/01/enlightened-witness.html
I am relieved to read that there are other children out there who feel their mothers have never/could never love them. I know the problem does not lie with us as the children…
I have spent hours reading everybody’s stories… and you know what? I feel better. My mother was so detached from myself and my 2 siblings… it was like we were animals that needed to be fed and nothing more.
She married young (and stayed married) to a man who drank and gambled… had 3 kids in 3 years, and we grew up in many rented homes… not very nice ones. Both my parents deeply resented the fact that they had kids.
Us kids use to hope they would divorce (because of dad’s drinking etc) but they never did. What made things worse was we moved to another country away from all the relatives so as children we were truly isolated.
Both parents did not want their children to achieve and did nothing to encourage or support us… missed school excursions due to no money… old stained school uniforms… no nice clothes or haircuts… my sister and I would fight over clean underpants… they were not proud of us.
Interestingly like so many others on this blog my brother was her favorite.
I noticed in high school that some of my friend’s parents had a totally different relationship with their daughters… loving… and were also kind to me. Thank god for these people… they saved me. I slowly started to find my own power.
My mother should not have had kids or married my father… 2 big mistakes but she took it out on us with her emotional coldness and contempt and total lack of interest in our lives, and perversely she did not feel any need to protect us from our father’s drunken rages.
She is gone now… When she was dying in the hospice she said to me “I wasn’t a very good mother…” and I guess this was her way of saying something. It took her 50 years to say to me (on a 50th birthday card) that she was “proud of me” … but of course by then it was about 50 years too late.
I will add something else. After my mother died last year I got to see a very old photo album which was hidden from us kids. It showed pictures of my mother as a pretty girl… dressed up… and then as a gorgeous young woman in gorgeous clothes. There are no equivalent photos of my sister or me. My older sister completely broke off contact with the family about 20 years ago… and I have not heard from her since. I hope she is happy where ever she is.
My life is good -but I have a deep, very deep understanding of damage.
Best wishes to everyone here.
Zelda, you have pretty good insight into your circumstances. Sorry your sister broke off contact as she could be a source of support, but may not have achieved the understanding that you have. My mother said to me moments before she died, ” I am so sorry,” but did not specifiy what she was sorry about, though there was little doubt she was apologizing for my life, and still did not love me. It is never about us, it is about the parent that did not want children. Those that were nice to you, were the enlightened witnesses Alice Miller Phd speaks of/
Thank you for reading my post and your comments. There is one upside to this whole story. Although I hated seeing my mother suffer at the hospice (as I would anyone), I do not miss her at all. It will be the same when my father goes. But you still harbor a sadness for the relationship you didn’t have -an imaginary one, even if you came to terms with the reality decades ago. I guess there is this subconscious, weird, buried, tiny ember of hope which finally gets snuffed out… and then the relief that it is finished. You won’t be surprised if I tell you that there are no grandchildren from the 3 siblings. Once again, thanks for listening.
My relationship with my parents and siblings made me understand a lot of things in life and also turned me into a vulnarable, anxious and emotionally insecure person. I have 2 older sisters and a younger brother. I am 47 now and I have been living in Canada for the last 23 years. My mother and one of my sisters’ are very close to each other and literally tortured me emotionally since I was born. For my mom, I was the curse of the family. Anything went wrong, it was my mistake and to punish me, she would ignore me and stop talking to me for 3-5 years. We would talk again for 6 months and then again my sister will drive me crazy and provoke me and again I was punished for 5 years. Anything that goes wrong in their life, it is my fault. At 41, I started to have health issues, anxiety, panic attacks, lost my job and was left alone. Luckily, God does not hit us in all directions, I met my angel husband at 42 and got married. My parents and my siblings were invited. Since my husband moved from Europe and his entire family came to the wedding, I was so embarassed not to invite my family members. So I invited them. My sister arranged an anouncement during the wedding that I have mental issues infront of the entire guests. I was taken to the hospital for shock and went into depression for 2 years. My husband supported me and my family kept saying that it was my fault again…. Last year, I had an appendicit operation and had complications for over 10 days in the hospital. 7 doctors were watching me for 24 hours. My mother found out that I was in the hospital through her friend. I was hoping that she will visit me in the hospital but she never showed up. 2 weeks ago, my brother came over and told me that he had a chance to talk to my mother and asked her why she did not visit me when I was in the hospital. Guess what she said. She blamed me again…. She said that she wanted to visit me but she was scared of my vulnurable reaction. Again me.
This is how I deal with my situation now.
If I talk to them, they bring me even more damage so not talking is the best solution. My husband gave all the love and support that I missed in my entire life. My sister is in a unhappy relationship. Why I am not surprised. She is a controlling manipulative sick person.
I also did a lot of search about personalities. My mother and sister are serious manipulators. They will do anything to get what they want. They support each other. I feel so happy that I am not around them. To have acceptance and to be loved by them, I have literally shared 50% of my salary with them. It never worked. I remember, I was only 8 years old and my sister 10. She would hit me and I would cry. My mom would say, I am sure you deserved it and hit me on my face. My sister would always say, you are not part of our family, you are adopted and laugh. It was not true, but she made me feel sick.
For the last 20 years, I have tried to call my parents and spend christmas or easter with them, but my sister always said that i was not welcomed… My mother will support her. I remember each new year’s eve, i would pray at 12 o’clock at night to have the strength the spend the night alone.
The positive side of my story is I am the only in my family who went to university, I am the only one in the family who is happily married, I am the only one in the family who has decent job. Today, after working constantly on myself for over 10 years, I am surrounded with good people, good husband and my health is much better. But, I will always have the pain of what i have been through and why a mother does this to her daughter question?
Your entire family are basement people. Manipulative, uncaring, mean, and down right abusive. When we have basement people in our lives, they drain our energy, hurt us repeatedly, drag us down, embarass us, and harm us in so many ways, IF we let them. Time to lock the basement door and move on with your happy marriage and loving husband. cut them loose and enjoy the gifts you have, your job, your husband, the fact that you are well educated, smart and loving. Lock the basement door, change your phone number, do not let others discuss them with you, and move on. You will be so much happier for it, I did that and my life and sense of well being soared
I love u nancy. You made cry and laugh at the same time. Cry, it is true every single word that you had mentioned and laughed for the word basement. Wow. What a great description. Lock the door of the basement and move on with my happy life. Thank you for your advice.
Thank you Sona but I did not mean to make you cry???
I’m not in the case that my parents didn’t like me..but my sister in law has that problem.. She just doesn’t seem to like her girl twin.. She is the cutest thing ever.. She likes her other 3 kids more than anything but she always says that she never wanted a girl.. But I don’t understand because her smallest kid is a girl.. Right now she is 3 yrs old but I know that she knows that she doesn’t get treated the same like her other 3 siblings.. I just feel so Bad for her because I know she’s going to grow up knowing her own mother didn’t like her( ever) I just wish I could adopt her or something..please if you are going to have children please love them and give them all the love that you have.. And if not then just don’t have kids.. They never asked to be born and to come and suffer to this world..or get help if you know that there’s something wrong..
Jeanette, become that childs mentor, teach and love her, here is a link to teh enlightened witness. Enlightened witnesses saved my life as a child, they helped me understand that i was lovable even though I was not being loved. And just the strength of that woman, helped me survive until I could get out of the home, and get on with my life. Then I met a professor, who said: Your life may have been awful, let it go, start where you are now and build a life for yourself.
http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php?page=2
I am a 70 year old man. I have gone through much of the same agonies as have been told here. I have ended up being alone and miserable. My parents are dead, thank goodness, and I am totally glad they are. I know all the stuff about forgiving them and all but I never will forgive them for dropping me here and then not loving me. I believe, to this day, that my birthing person had me as a way of trying to hold onto her husband and nothing else. 15 years between me and older siblings. They being older. I went through the A.A. and it seemed to help enlighten me plus freeing me from alcohol. I have gone to 2-3 groups trying to understand myself and what happened. I have gone to psychiatrists ( basically pill pushers) pshycologists, and others. Not much help. The closest thing to love, nurturing as a 4-5 year old was when my older sister, 13 or 14, sat on my feet when I came in from the cold.
Do we have a choice in how we live our lives? I didn’t know about choices until I got into Alcoholics Anonymous. Can the choices change the way we live our lives? Sure!! Can they change those deep seated feelings of unworthiness, self hatred, self denial? I don’t think so, only my opinion, according to my life anyway.
It would be great, awesome, wonderful if all future parents had the mentality to decide, beforehand, if they could love and nurture their babies or not have babies if they thought they couldn’t love them. Sadly, I don’t think this happens much. I believe much of the societal problems we have stem from the way babies were or were not nurtured and loved.
I really hope those of you that were damaged as babies or young children can find some peace in your adult lives.
How do we know the story used real names?
Hi Dean, you are right in my opinion and in my experience. I learned about the impact of the lack of love in my life, I cut the abusers loose, but I believe there is always, (at least for me and it sounds like for you, as well as others that I know of) a deep yearning for the core love we all need to develop as comfortable esteemed human beings.
Many use substances, food, drugs, what ever to try to stuff down the pain. We try to be ok with it, and make everyone else think we are ok, sometimes we even fool ourselves that we are ok. Usually we have to face it at some time thru therapy, support groups etc, or what ever, then maybe we feel less injured but we are never ok with the hole in our souls. My mother was an issue, and so was my father. I once wrote a poem called: There is a Hole in My Soul Where My Father Used to Be. In his case, I know that he loved me, but his wife and my mother refused to allow us to be together. And I missed him terribly, they did not even let me know when he died.
So I have droned on here long enough, but I wanted to say I see a lot of truth in what you have said
Nancy
Wow, such powerful stories. It makes me feel I am not so alone. I believe there was something wrong in the way my mother bonded to me. When she was pregnant with me, the second oldest of five children, 3 girls followed by 2 boys, my father told my mother he did not love her anymore. Then, my father’s mother became estranged with her and quit speaking to her, and she was living far away from her family and near her inlaws. I think she was depressed, and shocked. A few years later, when I was 6, my mother, pregnant with her fifth child, was told again by my father he did not love her, and he wanted to be with another woman, and they separated for a short time until my father took us back due to family pressure not to abandon his wife and 5 children from birth to years of age. When we moved back home, it appeared she began to single me out for abuse. My sisters would ridicule me and she did nothing to stop it, and sometimes even contribute to their disparagement. If I was ever involved with a sibling disagreement, I was the one who was spanked and blamed. Sometimes I broke down weeping for hours. I was called crazy (even schizophrenic) and that I was to blame for all the problems in the family (this family would be happy if it weren’t for you). I made a lot of friends outside the family, and my mother would tell me that if they knew what an awful person I really was, there was no way they would like me. On the few times I took friends home, my sister would take them aside and tell them the “truth” about me and sometimes I lost friends that way. I was not given money for clothes as much as my sisters were so I would find jobs to earn money for clothes, and then that was given as an excuse why they could not give me clothing money. My mom was always telling me I was fat,when I was 5’4″ and weighed 115 pounds. So I started dieting and became 102, and then she wanted to hospitalize me for eating disorder. I was not given money for school as my siblings were, and they blamed it that I was not a straight A student like my older and younger sister, but my brothers who had worse grades than me were given money and cars. Later, I married and had a child, and the marriage did not work out, as my husband began cheating on me. However, my mother refuses to acknowledge anything was wrong with my first husband. He was simply “not brought up right.” My son is now 18, and I have quit spending time with my family. At family gatherings, in my absence, my son has reported they say uncharitable things about me. It is rather sad. I have a counselor and she has told me that there really isn’t anything diagnosably wrong with me. Most people do not believe me when I share this story. However, dear enough friends who have met them have told me that my mom will try to initiate discussions about what is wrong with me with them, and try to act all compassionate that I have such good friends and wonder if I can “ever be helped.” It’s sad. I cannot explain my mother. It’s like she has a terrible need for me to be “sick” so she and the other members of the family can be well. PS, I have never been in a mental hospital.
How sad, Aino. It is hard to believe family would treat us that way. I believe toxic parents/family do us little good, and are not likely ever to become caring, tender people. It behooves us to move on, leave them in the dust and make our own way. We still have the core pains, but new pains are not being added every day or on each occasion. We no longer give them a target and they cannot hurt us further. It is good that your son recognizes their inappropriate behavior, and it is ok to step away. In fact it demonstrates healthy behavior to your son to not repeatedly put yourself in harms way
Sometimes I wonder why my brother, who was born after their separation, was not singled out for abuse. He wasn’t, at least, not by my mother. He has his own issues with my father, who never quite accepted him and rejected him in quite the same way as my mother rejected me. He was unconditionally accepted by my mother, perhaps because he was a boy. It is sad how marital conditions can affect how a child is perceived by his or her own parents. When I was pregnant, I prayed and prayed I would have a girl because I wanted to show her the kind of love that I missed as a rejected daughter. I was afraid I would not be able to love a son as I felt like my mother coddled and loved them so. When he was borne, all tiny and perfect, I was relieved I was able to love him immediately. My husband told me I cried and cried, and said over and over, “I’ve always wanted a boy!” I’ve felt blessed to be a mother. I would have wanted more children, but my marriage was unstable from the beginning and there was no way I felt like to could tax this fragile relationship by adding more children to the mix, and sure enough, the marriage broke up by the time my son began first grade. I remarried when he was 15 and my new husband did not want more children as I was already in my late 30s and had some health issues. I have a stepson who I dearly love. You are right, I still deal with the old pain but I no longer put myself out there with my mother and my family so as not to add on new pains, as Nancy so aptly describes. I interact on a very limited basis and I don’t expose any vulnerabilities to them anymore for them to pounce on. My husband is an imposing, stern figure, a gentle giant, really, and they never DARE demean me in his company. Life is much better now.
Reblogged this on The Gulkin Gazette and commented:
Shelley is about to admit to one of the great taboos of motherhood. No matter how hard she has tried, she says she can’t bring herself to love her elder daughter, Catherine.
I have an extended family member with two adopted children. She does not love her daughter. She admits that she never did. The girl is 9 and was adopted at 13months old. The father does nothing to help the situation. CPS has investigated reports of abuse and neglect, but nothing has been done. The mother has now removed the girl from school and keeps her under tight watch and does not allow her to speak freely to others. After speaking to other family members who are closer to the situation, I am told that the mother would give the child away in a heartbeat if there were no consequences to herself. Very selfish woman.
Are there an resources available to someone who wants to give their child away? I am in no position to take on this child, but she deserves a better life. Her birth mother did not carry her to term and give her up for adoption so that she could go into a home with no love for her.
Like others, I stumbled upon this website while searching the web for answers on how to deal with an unloving, self-centered mother and am humbled by the postings. Pain and experiences are relative to each of us and never less real to ourselves even though the horrors of growing up came in a variety of ways. The reality of emotional, physical, mental abuse is varied and personal but knowing that I am not alone is comforting. I do, however, feel deeply sad that so many of us are hurting and impacted by the cruelty of those we did not choose to be born from or were placed in their careless care. My childhood story is not dissimilar to others here with all three elements impacting my self-view and feeling unworthy to have been born. I have searched for many years for health, both mental and spiritual, having done inner child work, 12-step and lots of soul searching, four marriages and substance abuse but eventually turning to Christ who heard my cry. Has it been easy to find that sense of inner peace? No, but I haven’t given up, struggling daily, finding a bit here and moment there. However, God knew me before I was in my mother’s loveless womb and called me his beloved and that gives me hope. Does that inner voice I hear, that echoes what a disappoint I turned out to be, nag at me continually? Yes. But then I make a choice of whose voice to listen to…..hers or God’s….and there is a moment’s peace within. The gift I’ve been given is to be me and I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for mother. Instead of being the floatsom of victims she has left in her wake, God lifted me up and said “You are loved” and I believe Him and have faith that this is true. I am taking one day at a time, one moment at a time and sharing my thoughts here is very healing because I know I am not alone in my pain and searching. I allowed mother to turn my precious daughter into her mini-me because at that time I wasn’t strong enough to fully walk away. Now I am married to someone whose personality is not so different (anyone here knows they are married to their mother?). But I have hope that whatever lessons I am supposed to be learning that I am not so brain damaged and worthless that they will be lost on me. I am open and I am asking for help daily to deal with the struggle that is family. There is no single path, no perfect solution while we still breath but in that struggle to find peace, the inner workings of perfection are being made manifest. It’s just a hard road to travel to get there.
Love and peace to all my brothers and sisters
The comments here are very revealing of people’s true natures and hardness. If you can’t extend compassion toward this woman [Shelly] then you will never be forgiven of your own faults in this life. It is incredible to me some of the besmirching, demeaning and judgmental things people are saying in these posts about this poor, hapless woman. I pity you guys and hope that the world offers you more compassion and love than you have put out with your self-righteous condemnation of one of God’s poor, creatures.
I am not speaking without merit, by the way. As a daughter of a mother who hated me and was abusive, I understand what the child, Catherine, will suffer as a result of her mother’s loveless parenting. The incredible thing about Shelly is that she has not succumb to her hated of her daughter. Instead of feeding her dislike of Catherine and becoming abusive she has called out for help and has actively sought to rectify her relationship. That, to me, is a loving act. If she truly did not love her child she would not confess her hardship and expose herself for all the world to see.
When Catherine gets older she will realize the braveness and loving-kindness in her mother’s honesty. I wish my mother could have been this honest about her hatred and unfeeling emotions for me. It would have spared me much grief and it would have been the most loving act she could have given me as an adult.
I applaud Shelly for her bravery, honesty and love. May she go with God.
A child never sees loving kindness in not being loved. What they need is someone who cares, if you cannot love your own child then put that child in the hands of those who can, even if it is a mentor, grand parent, aunt, or foster home. To leave a child in an unloving environment, leaves the child bereft of love, compassion, understanding, sensitivity, and the necessary awareness of her feelings, and that she is not the problem.
that is terrible 😦 i can’t imagine how this affects the poor 11 year old. i’m sure she knows that her mother doesn’t love her. i guess you can say it’s not the mothers fault? but it really bothered me when she said after her baby was born she felt “dirty” and just wanted to forget about it. i can’t help but feel something is mentally wrong with this women. cps, please.
I wish you people who didn’t love your kids would give them to some other family member or outsider who would.
I’m just bitter. My mom never showed any affection–only disapproval. Never said she loved me. Finally figured out why-duh, she didn’t.
It really does a number on you forever.
Erin, bitterness will eat you up. I have been there, and know the journey well. I finally figured out as you have that there was no love. But I learned it was about her, not that I was unlovable. I left her and her behaviors in the past, and built a life and a career for myself. Yes there will always be heart pangs, but you can move on, you can find happiness, and you can let go of the majority of the past.
Takes a good therapist and a ton of readying but I found the time better spent that commiserating in the profound truth that she did not love me
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So what am I supposed to do when I see kids in a situation where their mother very obviously doesn’t love them? I see all of these comments about people who have grown up without a mother’s love, and I see this happening to my stepkids. However, we don’t have the money to get them out of her custody right now, and calling social services to say “I don’t think their mother loves them” sounds silly (though I have called about these kids before, though not because of the mom, and plan to call SS again tomorrow for different reasons… probably caused by this woman’s lack of love for her children…). I’m open to any advice anyone might have. Reading these posts breaks my heart. I read them and think about my stepkids. I don’t want them to have to go through this, and god knows what this woman tells the kids about their dad. I have never heard their mom say she loves them and when we tell them we love them they don’t know how to respond. Having one of my own I can’t imagine this because I tell my son several times a day that I love him. Anyway, I’m open to any and all advice anyone might have.. thanks. 🙂
You can listen to the children do things with the children that they find enjoyable, you can verbalize that you love them, that their dad loves them, omitting any negative about their mother. Read Alice Miller PHD’s writings, http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php?page=2 on the enlightened witness. Children are resillient particularly when someone in their life provides positive learning, love, teachings. You want to protect them or remove them but often that is not possible. Fill the childs life with positives, encouragement, with family counseling if that is possible, let the children know if they communicate issues to you that cannot be fixed, that it is not about them. That they are special, lovable people and that you enjoy their company.
Fill the childrens life with adventure, do not speak ill of the abuser if the children live with her. Rather let the children know how special you think they are. HOw much you enjoy seeing them, they will recover and go on to productive lives with your help, and be stronger more competent people because of it. Alice Miller has written many books and on that site you will find references to them, and many of the letters she wrote to those contacting her for help, can also be found in one of the books. More than anything else, be there for them, be present and loving, teach them tools for living, tools for fun, help them find artistic outlets to express themselves, (art classes, music, sports, ), Write me if you want to discuss further. I am a survivor of abuses, and had a very special person in my life who gave me vision, love, support and never tried to turn me against the abuser. She did ask for custody several times, but was denied by my abuser, so that is not the issue. You don’t have to be there all of the time
I’m just going to say, I figured it out when I was young (7?) that my father didn’t love me, and my mother was too passive. He was only very mildly verbally abusive, and for the most part simple stands apart. When I figured it out at age 7 that he didn’t love me, I started thinking. I started thinking about what love was. I thought about romantic love and brotherly love and all the different types. And then I realized. I didn’t like him. How could a person love another if they don’t even like them first? I realized that it was OK. He didn’t love me, and I didn’t love him either, and that was OK. We fought a lot just because we were forced to live together, but those formative moments taught me a lot about the world. I don’t miss his love, and never did. I still have a sort of irrational thought that I need to “show him up” and “prove him wrong” so whenever he acknowledges how great my life has gone or how independent I am, I still get a little thrill. That annoys me, because I shouldn’t need his acknowledgement, but that’s just how it is. Since he and mom aren’t abusive or anything, I still visit from time to time though I don’t enjoy it much. But to everyone else with abusive parents: get out. They are not worth the time and effort. They are not worth your love. You don’t need them. Get rid of them. Cut all contact. It will make you feel so much better. They didn’t want any part of your life, so you shouldn’t give them any part of it. You are better than having to skulk after them hoping for any bits of love they throw. Find your own love. Live your own life. Leave them behind.
Your advice to leave abusive parents behind is solid. It was the only thing that brought peace to my life. Eventually we had a reconnect, however superficial, but they too commented on the success of my life, but tried to own it. Which was funny because they tried to stop me from going to nursing school, but I had saved the tuition money myself from jobs. so I was out the door.
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i believe a mother is a most powerful force. she not only gives life, she is also able to make or break another human being. she is able to wield blows that kill a soul and leave the body to roam the earth. i am almost 50 years old and the pain from my mother’s hatred is as fresh and as excruciating today as it was 45 years ago. i haven’t spoken to her in 3 years yet my nightmares continue. i still wonder every day why she didnt love me.i tried to obtain her love by buying her things, giving her money, showing her respect, doing her favors, etc. until i realized it was never going to happen and i cut ties. but i will always wonder who i might have been had my mother loved me.
Marijo……you can start where you are now. Create a life around those who care for you. It was never about you, it was about her and her dysfunction as a human being. It is not your fault, you are a child of the universe and you have a right to be here.
One of the things that helped me step away from the rejection was some time with a good counselor, someone who mirrored back that I was not the issue. A child does not come into life unlovable. Those around her choose how to care for and love the child.
It takes work but you can ease the loss that you feel, I was probably 40 before I started working on how to feel better in this life, after a lifetime of rejection.
The late Alice Miller PHD, MD, wrote extensively on the abuse of children and its impact. Withholding love is profound abuse. I will put the link below, and there are a good many other authors who I found supportive. I found Dr Millers books very helpful for me
http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php
http://www.jlmandassociates.com/articles/parentallLove.htm
Dear Nancy, thank you for your words of hope. i read your email 3 times! i have spent many years trying to recover but part of me is destroyed. so far, the only progress i made is that i lost the guilt that used to overwhelm me everytime i told someone what my mother did to me. i actually felt bad for talking about her. my biggest hurdle in believing her hatred, abuse and neglect were not personal, is that i am 1 of 8 children. my mother used to gather my siblings around her while she made fun of me, telling the others kids to call me names that she would whisper to them. i was 5 or 6 yrs old. Doesn’t that seem personal?
Marijo………its not only personal, its ugly as He** and sick!!.. It really is not about you at all. You are not an unlovable child at heart, you are not the problem. Its ok to realized she was not a loving mother but it is all about her. Please consider a visit to the library, picking up one or two of Alice Millers books and begin to read about the drama of the abusive parent and the damage that does to children. As you see the words on the page, over and and over, they begin to impact your psyche positively. You begin to really get it, that none of this is about you, and that such behavior is outrageous and that you deserved way better than you recieved.
So you have removed the toxic garbage from your life, and now its a good time to start rebuilding your emotional life, to be easier on yourself, to understand in so many ways you are not the problem. I did that through counseling, refusing to see my abuser any more, reading, oboy did I do a ton of reading, I read all of John Bradshaws books, all of alice millers books and I probably read half the books in the self help section at barnes and noble. As I saw the information that it was never about me over and over, described in so many different ways, I finally got it.
I was able to move on, forgive my mother in my mind, I did not ease her mind, so guess that would make me a little vindictive. But I have a good life, full of fun hobbies, and nice friends and I am no longer tormented by the things my mother did to me, said to me, did not do for me. ITS ALL ABOUT HER. I had a very successful career, and found my level of competence and skills, and recognized that to do all that without any loving parents in my life was an accomplishment in itself. So can you. Write any time
Nancy
Someone sent this to me to day,and I thought it summed up stuff nicely.
1. Make peace with your past so it won;t screw up the present
2. What others think of you is none of your business
3. Time heals almost everything, give it time
4. Don’t compare your life to others and don’t judge them. We have no idea what their journey is all about
5. Stop thinking too much. Its alright not to know the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it
6. No one is in charge of your happiness except you
7. Smile, you don’t own all the problems of the world.
It was shared with her from something called Whisper of the Heart
Nancy, you have obviously become a warm and loving adult. I want you to know your kindness and strength, which are coming to life through your words, are deeply appreciated and counted as blessings tonight. I have always surrounded myself with good, strong women but I just recently realized that all my friends were 20+ years older than i am. They were mothers to me. Unfortunately, i have lost them all now-the last two past away just months apart last year and I am orphaned again. I read Alice Miller all evening and I thank you for the link. amazing! I mostly share her opinion on forgiveness. when people told me i had to forgive my abuser, it felt like just another injustice and it made me angry. Besides, if my mother came to me and said she was sorry, truly sorry, i would forgive her! i would be whole. The problem is that she won’t acknowledge what she’s done. Ugh! I am rambling. and so it goes… thank you again, Nancy. I really look forward to sharing more with you.Mj
You are on the right track, Marijo, think about ways to connect with new mentors/ friends, maybe a support group where others are seeking what they need. It becomes mutually beneficial. Yes, its ok not to give your abuser any quarter. Religious groups might disagree with me, but it is up to her god to forgive her, not those she abused. In the last 20 minutes of my mothers life, (her younger sister and I were caring for her, me not out of duty but there to help her sister who was unsure of how to care for her), she apologized without saying why. She knew all along she was terrible to me, and was afraid to meet her maker, (who ever that was/is) without saying she was sorry. she was not concerned for what she had done to me.
So I believe alice miller is right, find your own way. you do not have to look back because there is nothing there for you. Look forward, build your own best life
hi again, Nancy. Is it safe to assume your mother’s apology was insincere? I wonder, if she were truly sorry would you have forgiven her? I can’t forgive my mother because she won’t own what she did. If she was mentally ill i would forgive her. But she is not sick as evidenced by the fact that she 1) didn’t abuse all of her kids, 2) never abused me in public and 3) I have actually seen her face change in a split second when talking to, say, her priest. sick people can’t turn it off and on like that. I have also witnessed great acts of compassion and charity from this woman towards strangers. So i guess that’s why i spent so all those years thinking it was something in me that caused this. Only recently have i begun feeling sorry for the little girl she brutalized. That child was innocent.
When we forgive, we free ourselves from the bondage of holding negativity and resentment within us. From this perspective, whether or not the offender deserves our forgiveness becomes a moot point. It’s something we do for US, not them. I’m not suggesting this is a quick and easy shift to make but I think it’s worth the effort to free your own spirit!
I’m on my own journey of forgiveness and, although I still gut-react at times when my mother willfully hurts me, I am much more at peace…within myself…to forgive rather than harbor anger against her. I’ve also discovered that in forgiving her, I’ve reclaimed my own rightful power in being ME, just as I am!
I think your mother qualifies as being “sick” based on what you’ve shared with us. Just know it’s not your fault – the defect is within her and defies the very nature of being a mother.
Sending you sisterhood hugs!
Good luck in your journey Brenda, it is not an easy road to travel. However, with enough self education, counseling, and just good old discussion with others on a similar track, often pain is eased. We help each other get it!
I don’t know if it was sincere or not, the apology, it was desperate. It was not specific, simply saying over and over half comatose, I am so sorry, so sorry, not sure but assume it was for me, her sister was there as well. I simply said, its ok, and she responded, really? Her sister and I said yes, and then she quietly died. She got the gift of a burden lifted, I was left with a lifetime of abuse. So I began a journey at that point to heal my life. I had been alienated for years, but came to help her sister care for her final 3 or 4 days. she never once had a conversation with me when lucid, so who knows what she meant.
I don’t know if she were sincere, if I could have forgiven, I think I would have said, truce, lets try to move forward from here. I don’t hate, but I don’t think fondly of anything in my childhood life except summers spent with my paternal grandmother before she fell ill. Now there was unconditional love.
hi Nancy. Wow. How emotional that must have been for you. How long had you been free of your mother before you went back to help? Where did you find the courage to get away? I kept trying to get my mother to love me by becoming her ‘go-to’ for all her problems. but no matter what i did, she kept belittling me which was just as painful as being locked in the cold, dark canning cellar as a child. So i decided it was hopeless and began limiting her access to me for 2 years. I finally locked her out completely a year ago when i discovered she had been verbally abusing my son. She told him i was a whore, didn’t know who his father was, and didn’t love or want him. He is a 28 yr old man but she made him cry. For the record, i have been married for 30 years and my poor husband doesn’t even get sex! Lol. Having that unconditional love from a grandparent must have been a welcome reprieve for you. My father was able to love that way. I always say that’s why i am half normal. Lol. He is long gone but i often wonder why i didn’t tell him what she was doing or what he may have done about it. Did your grandmother know you were being abused?
My grandmother made repeated attempts to raise me but as much as my mother hated me, she would not let me go. I think she was worried about how that would look. I think my grandmother knew how little love there was in my life, her son was my father and he was held hostage by his new wife, that he was not to see me. So she tried to make up for losses in so many ways.
I walked out of my mothers life in 1970, and returned to help my aunt a few weeks before she died in 1990. We had contact a few times aftre the first 10 years, but it was tentative, wrought with tension, and I think was simply because she was embarassed I was gone. My hometown was small, my work became internationally recognzed and she was constantly being asked where I was, and what was I doing, and where was I travelling to next. So the situation was I saw her once every 2 or 3 years, always when others were present, never giving her power, because everyone around her, loved her, did not know her dark side. Which on some level made me that bad gal.
I hope you set your son straight, or he was able to see how very dysfunctional and viscious she is/was. How very awful that was, to tell your son such lives. She is so toxic, I am glad she is out of your life.
Hi. I hope i didn’t offend u with TMI. 😦
Its awfully hard to offend me. No problem, no offense taken
Thank you Nancy. I don’t like to offend and your wisdom and experience are so helpful. this is the only issue in my life that i can’t seem to deal with. My husband saw my mother yesterday and when he told me, i was overcome with great sadness. Not only for me, but for her as well. Why does that still happen every time someone talks about her and when does it get better?
You will always ache for what you did not have, but once you have dealth with the loss through educating yourself, and support from a counselor or group, you may well not be flooded with these feelings. I am no longer flooded, and I had a double loss, no father in my life either. I know that my father loved me, which made that part of the loss particularly difficult. Still after working on it for sometime, I feel less impacted.
Perhaps since you are still flooding with emotion, it would be good for you to have your husband and others not tell you about the encounters. It does you no good, and it does not resolve anything with her. I would not be sad for her, she made her own bed. You have done the best you can to do for her, and still she walks on you. So by now, you really do know, nothing you can do will change her behavior.
We will always have teh hole in our soul where parental love should have been. We can make it less painful, we can learn to cope better, we can recognize it has nothing to do with us, and get on with our lives
I wanted to urge everyone reading this board to consider the role of diet in their relationships with their parents. I have recently completed 5 years of therapy which resulted in me concluding the core issue that prompted my parent’s lack of love for myself and my siblings was rooted in their change to a low-fat, low-calorie, low-protein diet in the early 1990s. It is absolutely a scientific fact that doing so can result after 2-5 years in “adrenal fatigue,” which causes an inability to deal with stress properly in the body, and the onset of constant fatigue, depression, emotional tumults, and strong sensations of scarcity. This is all caused by malnutrition and the brain’s need for certain types of fats and proteins to create pleasure hormones. If you are a parent suffering from an inability to emotionally connect with your children, I would strongly suggest researching the GAPS or WAPF diets which specialize in biochemical recovery for the brain.
One detail I forgot to include. I am one of those freaks that has a photographic memory, I was able to track back the root of my parent’s behavioral shift by comparing my memory with daily dietary records I kept starting age 8. The reason I started taking these records is because I suspected at 8 that the change in food was causing a behavioral shift in me, but neither of my parent’s believed me.
Diet would be an extremely rare issue in lack of parental love and outright rejection by parents in my opinion and experience
Nancy
diet has a huge connection to our emotional well being! I’m so thankful to have learned that a few years ago. All these peservatives and carbs and other crap in today’s diet significanty alter things that effect emotion and thought in our minds. I think this is becoming more well known, but not fast enough.
Not surprising happens. Happened to me & I’d prefer to have been aborted and free of this miserable planet than forced to endure 18 years with people who never wanted me to begin with. It was an act, the view to you the public of ‘they’re good parents’ was a fucking act so they wouldn’t be judged not giving us up for adoption was also a part of that belief for some odd reason, but then again after hearing about that system from a friend who was put in it forcibly taken from her mother who actually did want her and her siblings I don’t see it as that much better of an option.
I don’t give two craps what you think of me I don’t see kids as gifts, they annoy me & yeah I’d rather spend my money on myself than feel miserable with something I don’t want. Someone calls with a sudden trip to Rio I want to fucking go not debate who I can enlist as babysitter, if anyone, then have to limit my time gone to be considerate of their time. Madness.
No, I like being childfree, using birthcontrol successfully, and prefer to stay that way despite falling in love with someone who feels opposite. I won’t waste his time hoping to procreate for the selfish reasons he wishes to, his ex-wife didn’t she somehow got in and out of an abortion clinic without him even noticing and it’ll end up the same with us if he keeps trying to force the issue not even considering once how I feel.
anyone who doesnt want children shouldnt have them and no one has the right to pressure a spouse to give birth.. it is far more cruel to have them than to admit u dont want them. just reading the posts from the adults who were abused, neglected and unloved confirms that.
Agree that no one should have children who do not want them. Your partner however, deserves to know you do not want them and would abort if you got pregnant. He may want to move on to have children with a loving partner/mom
Finding this blog has been a revelation. I can’t think of anything worse then feeling unloved and unwanted as a child (and I’ve been through a lot). It’s something that marks you for life. My mother didn’t actually hate my sister and me, but she hated being a mother and we were extremely burdensome to her. I realize now that she was probably bipolar and couldn’t control her mood swings and rages. She was verbally and physically abusive and also neglectful; we were left to our own devices from a very early age with not surprising results. I was molested by a neighbor when I was five and later as a teenager I would suffer several assaults, one of them life-threatening. And yet, the worst of it was my mother’s abuse. Her mantra was “I hate you. You ruined my life. I wish you were never born.” I can’t imagine saying this to my child.
My father worked double shifts and drank to escape my mother’s wrath; he was a good man, but ultimately chose placating her over us. “Your mother comes first,” was his mantra. I’m not sure how you process this as a 10 year old, but I am now 50 years old and my mother still comes first in my dad’s heart. I left after college and even though my family had some means (at least my grandfather did), the resources were never fully shared. My mother actually went to college at the same time as my sister and me (she was always very resentful of us) and also began traveling at this time as well. Not surprising, my sister and I were not invited on her trips.
In terms of forgiveness, I actually confronted my mother shortly before my son was born and she pretty much acknowledged everything. She has tried to make amends, but her addiction issues and spending issues have made that difficult. But at least she has tried and that means a lot. Unfortunately, my father is clueless and continues to say and do things that trigger painful memories and feelings. Also, my sister is still very angry at my parents and bullies me because she thought I was their favorite. I wasn’t their favorite, I was just the oldest and my mother relied on me more.
So where do I go from here? I am diagnosed with fibromyalgia and PTSD, both of which have flared big-time since 9/11. I live crisis to crisis, but I do have a very loving relationship with my own child and my husband. One of the things I have realized is that the greatest gift is not necessarily being loved but being able to love another person. I wasn’t sure I would be able to do this, but I think limiting myself to one child has made it possible.
Thanks to all for sharing your experiences, and especially to Nancy. Peace.
I am sorry to hear of your all too familiar life. A clinical instructor of mine when I was a student nurse, said to me, “You can start where you are now, you can choose to be happy, choose to make your own life, choose to let it go. It was never about you but about your parents, not your fault and you cannot fix them” Powerful words that helped me a lot
Thanks, Nancy. I agree that happiness is a choice, albeit a difficult one for me due to complex PTSD. I was sexually molested and had three assaults between ages 16 and 19, which I think is a very critical age. I’m in the U.S. and don’t have good health insurance, so I’ve never received adequate treatment or counseling (I’m actually thinking of medication at this point). However, my sister and I were very lucky that we understood early on that our parent’s addictions, abuse, and lack of nurturing was not our fault. I am of the philosophy that where there’s life there’s hope and this, plus my husband and son, keeps me going. Peace.
i have little if any emotions towards my mother. i was born and by the age of 2 passed off from 1 babysitter to the next or from one relative to the next. if i saw my mother or father for more than an hour a day when i was growing up that was a lot. they had 3 older children and i was a late in life accident. my father died in 2006 and i could have cared less. i had shown more emotions when george carlin passed away.after my father died i had avoided my mother for the past 6 years and finally reconnected after her recent sickness. i now see her through middle aged eyes and think what a sad miserable lady she is. i share no bond with her at all. i used to feel ashamed that i had these thoughts and feelings towards my parents. i can now see that it is what it is and nothing can be done to change the situation. when she finally dies it will be a chapter in my life that i can close. (to be honest i am anxious to close the chapter sooner rather than later) i have had talks with her about this subject and i get a run around of explanations that are so off putting it angers me to listen to it. (when someone tells you lies that you know 100% are lies and they expect you to believe it like you are a fool lol)
as far as her extended family they are all fair weathers friends who come empty handed and leave with 2 sacks under each arm. (you know the type) my siblings are not much better and i feel due to geography and just no interest on either side we will drift apart enough over the next few years to be called strangers.
i have considered a name change to really cement home the fact that i have closed this chapter of my life and make it harder to ever been tracked down by one of these relatives. (with me once the door is closed its pretty much closed)
but this seems a bit drastic.
if anyone has any thoughts or ideas on me and my situation i would love to hear them.
I changed my name to truly feel independent of the step family and their abuses. It is ok to distance your self from theses kinds of abuses and abandonments in my view. It was certainly healthy for me to do so
Well, here it is may 19, 2013. And I just found this site. I may be too late to
comment, but I will anyway. I need to vent and who is going to read it anyway.?
I am feeling sad right now, because I was going thru some real old pictures.
There I was in a dress sew by a neighbor lady a little blond, blue eyed 3 year
old, setting next to a girl 4 years older than myself, she had jagged teeth,
straight short black hair, olive skin and narrow squinty eyes. On the back of
the picture my mother had written baby Jane (will not use real names here)
and our daughter Jeanette.(She was all dressed up new clothes, finger nails
painted and a big bow in her hair)
And I looked at this picture and remembered all of the abuses I had
suffered as a child, even lovingly and believing I was loved
even though I most certainly was not. She would not even call me her daughter.
For starters my mother had already given up a son and a daughter, before I was born.
if she had done that in 2013 she would be in jail). When I was
about 7 years old my mother called me in and said you are not our real
daughter your too different, we must have mixed you up at the hospital.
That hurt me sooo bad. It was said without any emotion. I went off into the
woods and cried my heart out. then when I came back she said well :I tried
to take you out with a coat hanger but you would not come out, and slippery
elm didn’t work either. If any comment ever altered my feelings about self
worth these were the very beggining. It hurt like hell. Especially since Jeanette
got everything and I got nothing, no christmas, no birthday, no anything.
one christmas my “step sister” made a beautiful doll, it was the prettiest thing
I had ever seen, I cried I was so happy and I told her I would love her forever
and always love her… well she came over to where I was setting and grabbed
the doll from me, and I asked what was wrong.. she said she was not finished
with it yet. I told her I loved it the way it was. but she took it anyway. next day
she gave it to a neighbor girl .I was so filled with grief and sorrow. Jeanette
was always doing everything she possibly could to hurt me. Mother just laughed.
mother and dad wanted her to be a movie star so they taught her guitar and
to yodel, and sing.. if you could call it that. And I was not to touch any musical
instrument because I was “too stupid to ever learn, and I might hurt Jeanette’s
feelings) and that she had only a few moths to live, so I was supposed to
always allow her to do anything she wanted, and so I did. Jeanette was the
cruelest person I have ever known, next to my mother- they were so mentally
ill. by the time I was of age to leave home, I had zero confidence and married
the first man that asked me..A man that no one should marry. I had children
with this man, and I loved them. I tried to leave him and start over I was so
dumb and no skills, I wanted to find a job and keep my children I ask my
“step sister” please could I stay with her for one week while I found a job.
But she said NO, she had enough on her plate.And did not have time for
my problems and tore up my kids pictures in front of me. Well here I was
with nothing, not know what to do..So I let my children go to those who
could provide for them and love them. They now hate me for giving them
up and I do not blame them. But their lives have turned out soo much better
than if I had raised them. I watch them on face book. He is an army sergeant,
drives a Porsche lives in the mountains in California. and she has a million
dollar home in Virginia, with a good man who loves her and also a good job
at Lockheed. So here I am an old woman that never really had a chance at
a decent normal life, that has fought the best I can just to stay afloat. I
never did drugs, I was not an alcoholic.. although at times I used to drink to forget
when I found out it made things worse and I tried suicide.. I decided not ever
to drink again… Well I could go on and on about my horrific life, but I am sure
you get the picture. I wish that their was reincarnation so I could come back
to a loving , caring decent family instead of the trash I was born into .I did
not get to raise my kids either.And sometimes I feel an awful lot of hate, but
I read psalms 37 a lot. and talk to God. My mother should have been in a
mental institution, instead of going from man to man.
Please do not get me wrong I have worked hard all of my life and did the best
I could with what life handed to me.. I am very old now, and sometimes I feel
the presence of God nearby me. Thanks for letting me vent. 9 out of 10 this
will not even be read.
oh, by the way ! 79 year old Jeanette is a self proclaimed christian., yeah, right !
Hi, it is not too late to vent the abuses that happened to you. Do your children know about your life as a child? I dont know if it would make a difference, but I think it would be fine to tell them what life was like, and that since you were ill prepared to raise them, wanted them to have the best that life has to offer.
You have made a life for yourself, and amazing accomplishment without the mentoring, teaching and love of parents. It is hard to go that road alone, you have a hole in your soul and nothing fills it. So in some ways, you are to be commended that you did not try to fill that hole with drugs and alcohol. You are quite an accomplished human being to pull your self along without the normal support systems kids and young people need.
Likewise I think since you felt ill prepared to do right by your kids, that it is wonderful that you set them free to have a better life. I think they deserved to understand better why you did what you did, an dwhat your life was like. Not to seek sympathy, simply to seek understanding and on some level to ease any sense of abandonment they may have felt.
You are not too old to share your pain, your observations, your losses.
it hurts me to kno you have had such sadness in your soul for so many years. i kno how it feels. you are not alone. you said you just found this site. what really makes me sad is how we find it. how desperate one must feel to search the internet looking for reasons why our mothers did not love us. i actualy googled ‘why mothers dont love their children’. i still dont understand nor do i fully forgive. but, i read something recently that i found thought provoking. i believe Whitman said it.’If we search the hidden history of those we wish to punish, we would find enough suffering and pain to disarm all of our hostilities.’ -not verbatim, but u get the idea. may God bless you. Thank you for sharing your pain.
Yes, Marijo, when I began to research my mothers childhood, after her death, (because she never spoke of it when alive), i did find terrible suffering, and that she did make a better life for “some” of her children than she had.
Interestingly, she and her sister both had daughters they did not love but their sons they worshiped. May have been related to the overall value or lack there of, for women in previous times.
it makes me sick to hear your story and know there are people in the world that can be so cruel and disgusting. I cannot say I know what you feel like, but I feel for you. I hope you had/have some happiness in life through friendship and kind people.
I too hope there is reincarnation so you can experience a loving family, and that your family returns to families like theirs.
It’s appropriate time to make some plans for the future and it’s time to be happy.
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I have two boys ages 13 and 5. My daughter passed away at nine months old when my oldest son was 3. I don’t feel any attachment to my sons. But I constantly think about my daughter and what could have been. I’m constantly yelling at my boys, annoyed by them…I feel like they’d be happier without me. What do I do?
Nova,
Where is the father? You need a break. See if you can
find sometime for yourself.. Think thihgs through.
When you are in your 70’s and close to death you
could be all alone in the world. And they would hate you.
Try to adjust and raise them well, you may be very glad you did.
Counseling, Nova, sooner than later. The boys know, and need their mother and love in their lives. If you can work thru a counselor, you may be able to raise secure confident boys. If their lives are bereft of love, they will suffer consequences all of their lives whether it is clear to them or not.
With the guidance of a counselor, you may be able to find solutions to what you need as well as what the boys need,. Right now, all three of you are hurting, needing and lost. It may be that the boys will be happier elsewhere, but it should be transitioned with the help of a counselor, perhaps with other family members, so that the boys will not feel rejected but rather understand your losses and inability to be there for them. Someone needs to be there for them, what about their father?
nova, i am so sorry for your loss. i would never say i know how you feel. i cant even imagine your pain. My heart breaks for you. i pray God will grant you peace. The reason i wanted to comment is that i have had that terrible feeling for my own son when he was a boy. I was always yelling at him and trying to just escape. He didnt even have to do anything wrong. He just made me angry. Then someone gave me some advice that, at first, sounds insane, and maybe it is, but it worked for me then as it works for me now. Ready? Pretend they are not your kids! Just pretend you are babysitting for them. This assuming you wouldnt yell at someone elses kids, of course. and you probably wouldnt. We typically dont resent strangers simply because our emotions are not invested in them and therefore we dont react as strongly to their shortcomings. Sometimes i even pretend my husband is a stranger! I guess if nothing else, its like the old saying: fake it til you make it. Well maybe you have to be a little insane to take this advice or even to give. If nothing else, doing this showed me that i was treating strangers with more courtesy than the people i loved most. God bless you. Mj
If you realized you weren’t loved at a young age you were probably not as far gone as I. It took me until my mid -40’s when she made me homeless by tricking me into giving up my beautiful home to come and take care of her after my father’s death. Three weeks later while still unpacking, having moved during a heatwave, I made the mistake of telling her she could not expect me to drop everything to go and entertain her. She sold my father’s house and cleared off cross country. It dawned on me how she had blackmailed me into selling a piece of furniture my father took months rebuilding for me or she would sell my dead brother’s rocker which I cheriched. I hurt him selling it under duress during a neighbours yard sale. She tricked me into going to university in another language promising to help me write reports knowing full well that they were relocating to another province. Dad had wanted to live on Vancouver Island and really seemed to be trying to turn me on to this place but the next day I recall his sadness and now discover she refused to look at real estate. I ran away from home at 15 because I experienced an extreme trauma and did not want my attacker to find me but the reverend, psychiatrist, administration and cousellors brought my mom in to explain that I was a good kid subjected to street kids, needles, prostitution, etc and she should take me home. She refused claiming I was bad as I did not do my bed every day. Had my father believe I left because of him. When finally returning in early thirties Dad realized I was mildly autistic and encouraged me to study Civil Eng, tutoring me with calculus, physics etc. She was so jealous of the attention he paid me she ran me off. Again he mistakenly believed I had no interest in finishing course. I only had 2 courses to do to get degree. He mentioned something to effect of wanting me to have his house so she quickly sold it to her daughter replacement who doubled her money within 8 months. The list goes on and on. I was in denial until she made me homeless,with child, loss over $50,000.00 housing goods, etc. Learned her language, never dated, built my own household, was president , founder of affordable housing project. funny how so many people could tell I was the fruit of an unloving mother withot my ever saying anything about her.
I to find myself in the situation of being unloved by my mother as well as my father. I am now 33 dand just as hurt. Although I’ve come to terrrms with the fact that she will never love me the pain is still there.
Queen, the longing never goes away. but can be mediated with some strong counseling, and even group work if you are so inclined. It is worth the effort, as painful as it might be.
She never was a mother to me.. I hate her. And I am glad she is gone.
She must be hell’s brightest demon.
How does hating her make you any better than her? You act just the same.
Well I’m stuck with mine. I have two kids. A sin and daughter. And the boy is the worst mistake of my life. He’s horrible and nobody understands how I feel. He destroys everything, he takes one step forward and like 12 back when it comes to learning basic things. Seriously. I’ve had to put my pantry in my room because he goes and gets the salt and spills it all over his room. Or he’ll steal snacks and drinks despite properly fed throughout day. He lies, further adding to the stealing, he deliberately poops himself then lies about it. He breaks hos sisters and our things, also steals our belongings. I can honestly say I hate him. What makes it worse is where we live we have no family or friends and can’t afford a sitter to get away. I didn’t hate children. I wanted one. But he’s the worse thing I’ve ever had. My daughter is disciplined, asks permission for things, fully potty trained, loves to learn she’s a near perfect child. So Idk why I deserve sick a bad difficult kid like him. He’s about to be 7 October. Only reason I don’t just leave him at the nearest hospital and ruin away is cause his sister will miss him. I’ve tried once to have his granny have him. But then hos sister was missing him and so was my husband, his dad. Note both my husband and I just give up. I personally could go the rest of my life happily without him. Idk what to do. Anyone I Terry to reach out to is judgemental and immediately labels me a monster. So I’m stuck miserable with a devil child. There’s no hope for him. Consequences doesn’t work, talking doesn’t work, reward system doesn’t work, spanking doesn’t work, nothing! And each day he does something I hate him more. I’ve tried to like him but even on few occasions he’s good I can’t stand him. His voice irks me. I’m so miserable. And have nobody to turn to. If out weren’t for my sweet daughter, I would easily lose it. If my husband dies first I’m leaving the boy with his granny…wish I had someone that understood how I feel and could maybe help me.
Has this child had a diagnostic work up? This is more than just a naughty boy. I think behavorial and neurlogical work ups might be helpful
No. But I just got Medicaid because I don’t have a job yet. So unless Medicaid covers that I can’t do anything but deal.
a complete exam is a great place to start.when my oldest boy was that age he was uncontrollable too! he was a nightmare! then, my dad noticed he was always congested and took him to an ear, nose & throat doc. he was about 6 or 7 years old at that point. that doc discovered my boy had put an object-a tiny siren from a matchbox cop car!- into his nose and it was there for so many years that the nasal membranes grew around it, causing all kinds of problems. he said the poor little guy felt like he had a hangover everyday. it even effected his hearing! you just never know what can be causing these problems!
Momberri-
OMG! What a crazy story! That is my worst nightmare. Poor kid 😦 so did removing the object change his behavior?
I cant believe what i just read.No you are the devil not your little 7 year old.You keep saying how much you hate him.But the one who is not giving you any problems you are fine with.Let me explain something to you.When you have a child you are not promised a healthy child with no issues.I have a severly autistic son at home who is now 12 and I have been through so much with him.He needs constant care and I am his Mother and I love him and take care of him everyday cause thats what God gave me.I Yeah itis really hard and would love the perfect life but you have to deal with what you have and if you are the kind of person who is only there when its good then you are weak.I feel so bad for your child to have you as a,parent!!!!
Your son may need evaluation for behavioral issues and the whole family may need counseling, kids act out what they feel, your children will know how you feel about them
All my comments are waiting for moderation….Are you serious about that.I have the right to speak my mind and have my own opinion and its ok for people to call there kids a devil child and a monster and not ok for me to call them a monster…..I see how it is.dont care cause Im still goin write how i feel and dont care who is offended by it cause they have a right to there feelings too.like when they say horrible things like.I hate my children and Callingtem a devil child and they are an innocent little baby who got stuck with a rotten parent!!!!!
Unloving parents and unloved children have enough of a burden without us calling them names. I think advice is teh best we can do for mothers who do not love their children, offering counseling, childrens services, suggesting placement of children at risk. I have nothing to do with your comments being reviewed. I just volunteer here to help those who have lived with out love, to find ways out of the darkness of that. To acknowledge their pain and that it was never about them. Very often unloving mothers had no love in their own lives, no parenting, no guidence, no learning about how to be. While their parents have no real excuses, those lef without love need support. that is all I can offer
I’m the product of a mentally ill mother and father who have left their effects on their children. I’ve suffered with severe OCD, depression, and panic disorder and my siblings have had severe mental illnesses and severe substance abuse problems. My mother always pitted her children against each other and now, as adults, my parents have rejected two of us (including me) and have strongly sought relationships with the rest, not very much minding the siblings who are rejected. The terrible part is that I desperately want my parents to love me and want to talk with me which makes it very difficult. At one point, I was very mentally healthy after doing some intense spiritual mind training and CBT therapy; I didn’t feel hurt or as a victim but instead saw the crappy conditioning my parents were subjected to as children and had strong empathy. I’ve let the practice go and the thoughts of being taken advantage of, mistreated, and rejected have come up. I’m starting practice and CBT again and focusing on a) the wonderful family I have with my wife and children and b) trying to make sure that I break this generational cycle and not let my crap negatively condition my kids. Self awareness is a great tool. I do need more practice and mind training b/c lately I’ve been allowing these thoughts to cycle. I also haven’t stepped back enough and tried to really be honest and step through exactly why I’m upset — really look at it and step through it. These things provide difficulties that can be overcome but I wish i didn’t have to and I get so pissed that this shit landed in the cards I was given — lots of crappy pain. What keeps me from folding is I’m not going to pass this on to my kids. I’ve seen crap come up in my relationship with my kids and I quickly work on fixing it. I do the opposite of what my parents did and I make sure my kids know that they are loved unconditionally, that their feelings and experiences are valid, that they have a right to discuss and question things that I tell them to do, and that they will never be ridiculed.
It is difficult to move on but once you let go of ever expecting them to love you, you find a life of your own. It was never about you, but about them and their dysfunction. So move on, go back to your practice, find love in your children, your life partner, your work, your hobbies.
WOW, And here I thought I was the only one that grew up in a horrible home !
No horrible homes abound. we try to cope as best we can, we try to make sense of it, but too many of us blame ourselves for being unlovable when it is the parent who it unloving.
When we reach adulthood sometimes we seek counseling to better understand the experience, but sometimes we are too wounded to understand that might be helpful. I spent years in therapy, gaining insight into my mothers life, and trying to understand a father who loved me deeply then just walked out o f my life. I felt the love, so I know it was there at one time.
So no you are not alone, we sometimes get some good discussions going here, then it peters out awhile but we watch for new posters
Wow! I cannot even read all of the comments but, I certainly hope this helps. I am just a person who in my life has very similar experiences as many of those who commented. So, any place is a venue to discuss this especially if it helps. These are my words of comfort to you is that no matter how “crazy-making’ these feeling are most people who question it are very sane and should feel good to know that. Secondly, these types of emotional issues are all psychological issues based mainly in “cluster b” of the DSM. They are personality disorders. Most people with personality disorders present to the public very well. On the inside, is an entirely different story. One women’s comments really spoke loudly to me. She said that she has “BPD” and I just want to say that even though we grow up with those habits it does not mean that we have it especially, if you can see it for what it is and appreciate those in life who help you through and give you love and healthy relationships. Many prayers and blessings to all those who are called to this sight looking for some thing. May you find your answer and no that you are loved!
When Mothers dont love their children = monsters !
It’s because of people like you that make them unable to love = never having felt love given,
I dont think there is anything strange about not wanting or caring for children, there is a lot of sacrifice, stress, heartache, & 5x the workload. I use to think i couldnt be a parent, that i wouldnt be able to love my child. A few years back i rather suddenly decided i wanted to give the whole “family thing” a good American effort, like most folks i think, that blew up in my face, however, i did have a beautiful little girl, and a little boy with endless smiles. I had worked right up til 2 wks b4 i had my daughter with plans of going back to work ASAP, then she was placed in my arms for the 1st time. I cried. Swelled with a warmth and joy, i can only assume is a love w/o a name. For me it wasnt a familiar concept. I think trying to know whether you want or are capable of being a loving mother is only the most unselfish thing a person can do, for themselves and the unborn child. Otherwise, there are too many of the unloved burdening society. There may b questions and heartache even for the adopted, but questions and heartache are a part of life, it helps us grow. My father adopted me when i was 2 1/2, & had been my best friend and confident until his recent passing. But a child born w/o a mothers love or at least a surrogate, is a child who is never whole. Forever broken, always seeking, yearning, longing. The mind of the broken doesnt heal over time it gets sicker and weaker. Want proof, take a tour of one of our many overcrowded penal institutions. Theyre packed in like cattle awaiting slaughter, its where we put “the deemed unfit for society”; the destitute, the chemically imbalanced, the children who were beaten, who were molested, whove lived in terror, whove had to fight everyday of their lives to make adulthood, & those who have had to grow up seeing but not ever knowing love. A person cant imagine the damage this inflicts. The child can sense and see what isnt there & everyday they try a little harder, they yearn a little more & everyday that goes by unyielding to their needs, they become a little colder, mistrustful, depressed, devalued. They become filled with a sorrow and pain that can never b quite subdued, & sometimes ripping its way from their chest and out their throats with raw animal screams into the night, its a slow ongoing torture that prevents healthy maturation or future relations. It slowly whittles away the sole and consumes us. Speaking from experiance i.e., having had children, being adopted by my father while the biological is unknown to this day, but also suffering the tragedy of being born to a teen mom, who by choice, would probably never have had kids (choice being synonymous with the times, taboo is understatement.) Therefore, i maintain it is in the best interest of the individual, the child, and society as a whole, for every woman to do some soul searching b4 making such a permanent life/population altering decision, and to then follow whatever advise your heart gives you at that time in your own particular circumstances, & pay no mind to the nay sayers, theres no such thing as 100% approval ratings, besides, its the narrow of mind dealt the broad tongue, 2-3 yrs from now, Ms. Narrow Mind will quite possibly have passed thru your life and on to lesser things, name forgotten, while you continue to happily build on the path youve chosen for yourself, & w/o unnecesary casualties.
Wonderful thoughts, Abigail, I agree children should not be brought into the world without planning, and desire to have them. Regardless of how well we carry out “parental duties” the child knows they are without bond, love and nurturing if the child is unloved. Its all there in the dna, the child feels it, grows thinking there is something wrong with them
I thought it was a very rare occurrence when a mother doesn’t like her own children… was I wrong! My mom appeared to have strong affection for my 2 sisters, one younger and one older, and also for my spoiled younger brother but never warmed up to me at all. I don’t know why, and it’s bothered me for a long time, and occasionally still does, but not as much. It wasn’t until I had friends did I really see how much warmth there was between moms and their sons and daughters, and also didn’t realize how many dysfunctional families there were out there until I was in my late 30’s. Getting back to my mom, she would do things like throw a knife at me, ruin planned events like when I was planning to go to a school dance, hockey games, refuse to meet my girlfriends along the way, etc (too numerous to mention, and probably quite boring too) and as a teen the highlight of my life was when I made the school folks arts audition to perform in high school, the only thing she said to me was, “you think you’re so good, don’t you?” She would ask me not to bring any friends over to our house, but it was ok for my siblings to have friends over. There were many other things like being locked in the closet as a child on numerous occasions, being beaten, and before she died, she told me when I went to see her while she was sick, “I wish I never had you kids” and there was a period as a teen where we didn’t even speak while living under the same roof for more than 6 months. I feel guilty for telling her once I moved out from home, that I wish she were dead, as she died a few years later. I tried from the time I could remember to please her, giving her gifts from my part time jobs, doing more chores than the others, but nothing seemed to work. As a result, I didn’t want to have kids as I felt I would probably mistreat them too, and when my partner told me she was pregnant ( in our 40’s), I was depressed for two weeks or more, and just prayed I would love my child. Well, my daughter is 14 now, and I couldn’t be happier as she was the best thing that’s ever happened. The only problem I have is that I worry about her safety too much, or so I’m told. She and her half-sister from my partner’s first husband get along famously even though there is an 18 year difference between them. As for my mom, I wish she didn’t have so much anger toward me and I wished I could have loved her like I did my dad, and like most people love their moms. I know I wasn’t a perfect child, but never was in trouble of any kind whether it be school, socially. What bothers me from time to time is, I wonder why did she resent me so much?
Hi Vincent, sorry for your experiences as a child. The key factor here is your mother, there was nothing defective about you. You had a right to be here, you were born whether she wanted you or not/. Showing preference for the other kids is about how dysfunctional she was. It is never about teh child. Making a loving life of your own, shows that while you still have feelings about it, you were able to rise above a loveless childhood.
To say she wished she never had any of you kids, was an evil way to punish you, not express regret. There is nothing wrong with wishing this kind of evil was out of your life, do not feel guilty about that. Her behavior was abusive and unacceptable toward her children. It is healthy to remove ourselves from this kind of abuse. Love your daughter and your partner and live the life god intended for you.
Vincent, speaking from experience, I’ll say it’s possible she didn’t resent you, but she resented herself and took it out on you. It’s not your fault.
I, too, have a mother who never bonded with me. She almost killed me three times by the time I was ten due to medical neglect. Never taken to the doctor, never given immunizations, my sister was the favorite. All my clothes came from the thrift store. When I was 26, she took my 6 year old son away from me. Over the years, he has been brainwashed by her (in fact, when he or my two sisters) talk about me, it sounds like my mother. I finally figured out that my mother was a very sick woman, mentally. I have cut all ties with my past, though I could never forgive or forget. The only things that get to me now are the medical conditions I have now as an adult due to medical neglect on her part, that will shorten my life. Mother is very “into keeping up appearances”. So it is futile to say anything, as everyone believes her. It took me many years and many years of counseling, to get over this. I no longer have any family, except my 15 year old son. I trust no one. So, I’m still working through this…..
Rsie, counseling helped me immensely, I used it for a number of years, until I figured out that none of the crap that rained down on me was my fault. It is healthy to separate your self from toxic people and you like me have a bunch of them in your life. Keep working and moving on , it was never about you but about your mothers dysfuction and actually evil to treat children like that
I too was the first child of my mother: a woman who had borderline personality disorder but who was undiagnosed and untreated until after I reached adulthood. My mother passed away at age 81.
In eerie parallel to Shelley’s story, my mother also probably had post-partum depression, or possibly even post-partum psychosis when she had me. My mother was also able to actually feel and express love for her second child, my sister.
My heart goes out to Shelley’s first child, Catherine. I hope that Catherine has a warm, loving relationship with her grandmother or some other adult: that love-bond is crucial for Catherine’s ability to overcome maternal rejection, and her chances at having a normal, emotionally healthy adult life.
My mother’s rejection of me in infancy plus being subjected to her dysfunctional, borderline pd behaviors has had a horrific impact on my emotional health. I became unhealthily enmeshed or trauma-bonded with my mother when I was 4 (due to a particularly terrifying abusive incident that mother subjected me to: I thought I was going to be killed) until my mid 30s. I have PTSD traits and avoidant personality disorder traits but I’m more socially functional than I was as a young person.
Even though my younger sister was the “loved” child, her childhood was full of emotional and physical abuse as well, so much so that she still has large blocks of amnesia about her young years. The abusive incidents she does remember would make your skin crawl. My coping or survival mechanism was to detach from my emotions. My memories are pretty intact, I just don’t access my feelings about these traumatic memories, and I find it hard to become emotionally involved with other people.
So, please, those of you who cannot for one reason or another feel genuine maternal love for your child, please either get intensive psychiatric help or please give your baby up for adoption. No child can cope well with maternal rejection or even maternal indifference; each child desperately needs to be wanted and loved, and shown that he or she is wanted and loved (its not enough just to say it; a child can detect if you actually mean it or not) in order to grow up normally mentally healthy and functional.
In fact, when a mother says to her child, “I love you” but actually treats the child with indifference, rejection or outright hatred, that is a good way to severely mess up the child’s sense of reality and make it pretty much impossible for the child to ever trust other people, for life.
Widget, your insight is very good, and I salute you for surviving in any way that you could. It is not an easy path and the damages are hard to overcome. My first hurdle was admitting I was not loved. took me a long time, I knew it on a cellular level but could not say it even to my self. Congratulations on your self work, and I agree fully, If you do not love your child find them a loving mentor, a new home or psychiatric care or all three
Can someone not help me? Is there anyone out there? Oh how carelessly we wade thru ignorance, until too late we suspect our demise. I’m a daughter of a mother who cannot feel a maternal attatchment. Thats not to say however that shes not aware that an attatchment would normally be present. She is at the very least harboring a narssisstic personality disorder. Making her rather cold and detatched. Being of a rather sensitive nature this was never particularly easy on me, Given the oppressive nature i was raised before thrown to the wolves, I had much time for reflection and thus came to terms with reality quite young. Of course a cognitive awareness did nothing to alleviate the emotional lacerations. I feel quite embarrased actually, looking back, watching myself, knowing all the while it was futile, sickeningly running running up to my abuser with a strange mix of expectancy, grief, fear, guilt that i felt those things, but also a love, an adulation, and the sort of hope against all odds only a child can know, to be repeatedly dejected in an ever colder manner, like a stray or runt that just dosent get it. To know now my anguish and repeated attempts at approval were just feeding her narssisstic supply. I knew as I approached adulthood my only chance was seperation. Im now 34 and still battling for my life and freedom everyday, now quite literally. I wish I would have had a better or more realistic idea of the legal system and just how far a vindictive narssisst will go to destroy their favorite prey. I didnt realize what constituted stalking or that there were resources available, i didnt realize that a stalker could further victimize their prey thru the legal system, or how much sway a little money could have in such cases. I was hopelessly niave believing in a just system, or that right or good would prevaile because it should. Ive been set up by the local law enforcement who made no attempt at pretending otherwise, but persued their endeavors with gusto. Ive got one speeding ticket on my record back in 97, otherwise ive been a stay at home mom the past 9 years and more recently had gone back to school studying sports medicine and dietics, in one month she had me arrested 2 times im facing 7 felony charges for crimmes i did not commit, b/c of the arrests she called dhs and they promptly swooped in and took my kids w/o ever completing an investigation, giving my children to her!!!! I couldnt go outside w/o fear of reprecussion its nearly a year later i havent seen or heard from my kids, though ive recieved a couple of messages that they hate me and dont want to see me and still im in hiding fearful everyday shell find me. Im buried in legal fees and facing quite a bit of prison time. I just want her to leave me alone and let me live my own life. It seems anything i bring up in my defense is shot down with a knowing smirk or roll of the eyes. They act as though all my rebuttals are the expected of a caged animal. She has apparentally so effectively smeared my name and campaigned against me that nothing i say or present is deemed credible much less worth listening to. Please if anyone has any compassion, what can i do, my babies have been ripped away from everything they know, shipped off to another town w/o so much as a snuggle toy, it has to be an agony and grief akin to loss of life, i know it is for me, but they are in no home where they might find any solace or comfort. I didnt realize how unaccountable the law or dhs has become. I didnt realize how much parental rights had been whittled away. Im sick with the grief and despair of it all and at a loss for how to save my children or protect myself, much less something as everyday as earn an income. Anything with my social attatched to it is a flashing beacan to my whereabouts but without an income i cant pay my lawyer, 7 felonies they vould give me 12yrs life even. What am i suppose to do? How can i fight this, any input is welcome!!
Widget, I would like to offer what I can in the way of a small apology for how you were treated. It wasn’t fair at all, and I hope you eventually found love. My daughter’s “other” grandparents have been raising her almost since she was born because, for whatever reason, I could not find a way to fight all the demons inside to give her the loving home I felt she deserved. I have kept this a secret since so many people I trusted rejected me after finding out that I “gave away” my baby. Only two have told me I did the right thing, the best I could do at the time. I honestly didn’t know what else to do and was extremely desperate. In some way, I just want to say “thank you” for suggesting others do what I did, even though it’s the “