More of what feminist mothers look like

Three new (and very considered) responses to my 10 questions about your feminist mothering. It struck me while reading these very different responses that what they had in common as feminist mothers was a level of consciousness about their parenting. Feminist mothers think a lot about what they’re doing, I’ve concluded. All three of these mothers are very cerebral about their lives generally so their responses are not surprisingly quite analytical.

(I’ve included some quick personal information about these mothers [which totally doesn’t do them justice as individuals, but] in case you’re looking for some new blogs to follow and you want to read about someone who may have had similar life experiences to your own…  anyway, all of these are great blogs).

sustainable mothering (writer/lawyer and partnered mother with three sons) –

I don’t want to indulge much in stereotypes of non-feminist mothers.  I suppose they tell their children that their lives should be defined by gender.  I suppose they tolerate harmful and unfair behavior in their kids.  I was in a playgroup some years back in which play was divided by the kids into boy play and girl play.  It was uncomfortable for me and for my boys, who sometimes wanted to play in mixed groups or with the girls.  One day the boys played a “game” that consisted of throwing rocks at the girls.  I and my sons were horrified.  Two other mothers said, “Oh, boys will be boys.  All boys hate girls.”  When I said that my boys didn’t hate girls, they insisted it was because they had no sisters. “If your boys had sisters, they would hate girls too.”  And I think they are wrong.  I told them so. Those were mothers who were not feminists. To my boys, girls are just other people.  And my boys would never throw a rock at anyone.

scribblette (partnered with two (living) children, a daughter and a son, and writes sometimes about experiences with infertility) –

What has surprised you most about motherhood?

the ways it challenges my thinking about sex and gender, particularly for women. i do not have a good relationship with my mother, who is perhaps one of the most misogynist people i know. it took me a good long while to realize that it wasn’t just me she dislikes…it’s all women. and that many of the things that are strange about my upbringing, especially as related to gender, can be traced to that dislike. she taught me, explicitly, to distrust women and to prefer men as friends and companions. It really took me until I was in college to see through that, and until graduate school to come to terms with it. now, as the mother of a (living) daughter and a son, i find myself struggling to overcome some of those ingrained notions of gender identity that my mother instilled me….notions that, quite frankly, i didn’t really even know i had.

And the seriously interesting, because she’s been there, done that, and her kids are becoming growing up now (and her son is feminist!), dirt and rocks (a behavioral scientist with adolescent children, and who is re-partnered)-

5. Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?

But perhaps explaining why I feel my feminism took a backseat when I first became a mother is a better answer to this question. When I first had Angel I was the main breadwinner in my family. We both knew I had to go back to work as soon as possible (after 2 months of paid leave) and become the sole breadwinner. My ex stayed home with the baby during the day and taught martial arts (for very little or no pay) at night. I would come home and take over the parenting at night. I also attempted to take class with my ex at the dojo, with Angel running around, but if things got too unruly Angel and I would have to go home.

Mr. Mom was a fairly unusual arrangement 20 years ago and I thought it confirmed my feminism. Instead I worked nonstop as breadwinner and mother (and still tried to be #1 student in the dojo whenever possible). In many ways I overcompensated for not being home during the day by trying to the perfect mom at nights and on weekends. Did I mentioned I did all the cooking and cleaning too? Yeah, not so feminist of an approach.

You can find all the many other responses in this series here. The variety in parents responding has been quite something and the stories are always thought-provoking. If you’d like to respond to these questions yourself you can either email me your answers and I’ll put them on blue milk as a guest post or you can post them elsewhere and let me know and I’ll link to them.