How much do I love this article about ‘Pop’, the gender-free toddler? A lot.
Sometimes when I dress Cormac I feel almost like I am playing with ‘drag’. Gee, I’ve really dressed you “Boy” today, little one.
Cormac is still so young that there seems little reason to dress him in a way that highlights gender, particularly when he looks so beautiful in white (instead he is regularly mistaken by passers-by for a girl, and I try to reassure them that I’m not insulted that ‘he’ might have been thought a ‘she’ for a moment, really it is ok). Right now, to dress him overtly as any particular gender feels like ‘costume’ to me. But I remember it felt this way with Lauca when I dressed her in anything frou frou before she was old enough to look like a ‘girl’ or choose for herself to be girly.
Still, who doesn’t like playing with costume sometimes? I haven’t actually bought Cormac many clothes yet – I have plenty of left over baby clothes from Lauca in addition to gifts from friends and family. I’m not yet sure what clothes I’ll choose. But I like him in his ‘boy costume’ and it took me a while to realise why. Mostly it is because his boy drag consists of all the wintery shades of colour that I wear – gray, black, white, charcoal, chocolate brown etc.
So, mother and son, dressed alike. How naff.
Anyway, this article about Pop. Unlike some feminists I don’t believe gender is entirely a social construct, but I certainly think a good deal of it is. I’m sure Pop is fine but I would love to know more about how Pop’s parents are coping with their revolution, because nothing is quite as rigid as gender stereotypes and babies. In reality the parents aren’t even being that revolutionary, it is not like they’re trying to imagine an entire lifetime for Pop without gender. These parents seem so reasonable, letting Pop choose what clothes to wear, and when it feels right to identify as a particular gender rather than just as Pop.. and yet imagine all the fretting going on. Take Susan Pinker for instance.
“Ignoring children’s natures simply doesn’t work,” says Susan Pinker, a psychologist and newspaper columnist from Toronto, Canada, who wrote the book The Sexual Paradox, which focuses on sex differences in the workplace.
“Child-rearing should not be about providing an opportunity to prove an ideological point, but about responding to each child’s needs as an individual,” Pinker tells The Local.
Precisely, Pinker. This is exactly the point the parents are trying to make: each child’s needs as an individual.
(Thanks to tigtog for the article link).
I was just thinkin’ about gender and babies too: http://blog.birthcycle.com/2009/06/26/babies-and-the-cultural-performance-of-femininity/
It’s a world of crazy when people feel the need to apologize PROFUSELY when they mistake the gender of a baby. “No, really, it’s not an insult, it’s okay.” I say, but I can see they don’t believe me.
That quote of Pinker’s stood out for me too. The idea that raising children beholden to our current ideas of gender (which we know are different throughout cultures and time periods) ISN’T based on ideology is so incredibly naive 🙂
Of course Pop’s parents are responding to Pop’s need as an individual, and not as an X or Y child. I think Pop’s parents are rather wonderful and the whole thing reminds me of this story http://www.gendercentre.org.au/22article4.htm
I love boy clothes too, because blues and grays and browns are my favorite colors. 🙂 I’ve been reading about Pop and wish I was that brave. We try to be gender neutral in clothes, or more boy-centered because I love the colors with openness to what ever they want (my oldest son had red sparkly dance shoes as a toddler, loved them!).
Wow, this is really interesting, as I’ve been thinking about the same stuff recently. My son is 2 and I try to be gender neutral as much as possible, though not to the extent of Pop’s parents. He did wear a bit of pink as a baby, but is mostly dressed in boyish clothes – simply because of what we have been given (if it was his own choice, he’d probably go naked!). Despite this, up until a recent haircut he was often mistaken for a girl, which always made the person making the ‘mistake’ very uncomfortable, making me believe that dressing kids so obviously as boy/girl is more about making adults feel comfortable than the child.
Most parents with kids the same age have by now started to explain what is a ‘boy’ and what is a ‘girl’, something I’ve avoided. He doesn’t know that he is a ‘boy’ and his best friend is a ‘girl’. I don’t think it’s important yet, but I’ve been wondering when and how I will explain this, or if he’ll just work it out in his own time.
I agree with bluemilk that gender is mostly a construct, but not entirely. It’s the overwhelming importance that society places on it that causes the problems, I think.
You are correct. Your baby DOES look gorgeous in white!
I do rather think that gender is pretty much a construct, however, I also agree that even if it’s not totally a construct, the big problem is with the emphasis society puts on it. I like Twisty’s vision for the revolution: that having a penis or vulva will be like having brown hair or blonde hair. Traits that are sometimes associated with these different things, well, some people have them and some don’t. 🙂
So I LOVE what Pop’s parents are doing. I wish everyone could do this! Fabulous idea! Shame how people are completely missing the point. The parents aren’t insisting on a fully gender neutral wardrobe, or lifelong androgyny. Just giving the child the space to choose for themselves. If after 3 or 5 or whatever years the kid chooses trucks and jeans or princesses and frou frou dresses (or trucks and frou frou dresses and jeans and princesses), well hey ho, they’re a kid, we all choose a gender in the end.
As for those who say the child will have problems when they hit school – actually I bet the child will handle school with great confidence in their own identity and ability.
Oh my gods, I LOVED that article. It was so positive and happy and after spending all morning reading about the prohibition orders here in W.A.
The comments section made my head explode, but that’s hardly atypical.
My cousins’ parents more or less raised their kid that way, and zir has turned out to be the most awesome person ever. Anyone who can make me look not-sarcastic is just, ahh, I love it!
I think Turtle (Above) said it very well when they stated that:
“…. which always made the person making the ‘mistake’ very uncomfortable, making me believe that dressing kids so obviously as boy/girl is more about making adults feel comfortable than the child.”
It’s so true.
As someone who doesn’t really identify as anything at all (if anything, I like to call myself “human”) this article just makes my heart sing.
Just looking in the ‘blue book’ (the child health record book used for assessments with the Maternal and Child Health nurse here in Victoria) and I noticed that at 3 1/2 years, one of the developmental milestones is knowing ‘name and sex.’ One of my friends ran into trouble with this one when her son, who does know he’s a boy but obviously doesn’t think it’s hugely important, ‘failed’ the part of the assessment where the nurse asked him to point out the gender of people in the room and in pictures. Hearing about this really made me cross because there is no objective reason why a toddler must be able to identify gender in such binary terms and using external markers like hair and clothing and yet all parents are expected to help their child reach this ‘milestone’ as part of their social development.
Spilt Milk: Interesting – I didn’t know that. Wonder if that’s the same test (DDST) that marks a toddler down if they don’t know, when given a doll and a toy feeding bottle, that they’re supposed to shove the bottle into the doll’s mouth?
Wonder if that’s the same test (DDST) that marks a toddler down if they don’t know, when given a doll and a toy feeding bottle, that they’re supposed to shove the bottle into the doll’s mouth?
WTF!!!!????
Interestingly, my son was always mistaken for a girl (simply based on long eye lashes, I think). My daughter was often mistaken for a boy. People make so many assumptions about gender and I’m never sure what they are based on. I get called “sir” occasionally and I figure it’s the hair and androgynous clothing. But, I also got called “sir” once when I was pregnant. That one really caught me by surprise.
I once took my newish baby to a gathering in one blue sock and one pink sock. Heaps of people complimented me on my clever gender-confusion outfit.
I was too embarassed to admit I was just disorganised and couldn’t find a matching pair of socks.
That said, as she grew older, it really annoyed me when everyone referred to my gorgeous girl as ‘he’. I think it was her short hair. I gave in and went for pink outfits. Sometimes it is easier to fit in than to fight.
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