After a year away on maternity leave I have been back at work for only three weeks and I have noticed something already – an increase in my self-esteem. Funny, because I hadn’t particularly perceived any lowering of my self-esteem while I was away from work. I was enjoying maternity leave and I would have liked to have been at home with the children for longer. But all the same I can feel the impact of suddenly being somebody (vaguely) important several days a week instead of the dismissiveness that greets me when I am ‘Mum and the kids’.
It is not just that being a parent isn’t generally understood to be work, it is that whatever work it is acknowledged to be is also seen as ‘brainless’. In my experience mothers are even more inclined than others to refer to it in this way. Maybe calling parenting brainless is some kind of self-flagellation or maybe it is a desire to distance oneself from the prejudice against one’s status. I am not sure mothers really believe what they do at home with their kids is brainless work (though it can certainly be tedious at times, and what job isn’t), but either way it has become a self-perpetuating notion. Everyone says parenting is brainless so no-one wants to admit that they might actually find this ‘brainless work’ quite inspiring and even rather mentally taxing at times, so therefore everyone says how brainless the job is and everyone else agrees.
I can see that part of my new-found inner glow is simply the result of spending my day with adults instead of children – life at work is very civilised and no-one there has yet smeared their food on me or begged me to keep them company in the toilet – but it is more complex than that too. It is the experience of being recognised by everyone, whether they be my colleagues, my family, or people I pass on the street, as someone who does something significant. And it is significant because it is clearly work. You don’t even have to know what it is I do exactly, but it is something you do when dressed in corporate attire and you do it while walking unencumbered and with a sense of purpose, so it must be something real. I am not distracted; I make direct eye contact with everyone because I am not simultaneously trying to respond to a baby and a pre-schooler. My time is now valuable, people respond with more haste to me. And it has its own feedback loop because I am sure I demand more now in return too.
In contrast to all this glory I feel a fresh pain for the people hovering outside the labour market – those vulnerable and excluded from all this kudos, this credibility, this sense of place – with their disadvantage reinforced not only by financial exclusion but also by social exclusion. It has also made me wonder, all over again, about the lives of the true stay-at-home mothers (SAHMs); the ones in there for the long haul, not the visitors like me. How do you do it? How do you maintain your self-esteem and your identity in the face of all this prejudice, this dismissal, this outsider status? My friend, who is a long-term stay-at-home mother (and mostly loving it) said it has helped to know that she has an end date on her SAHM life stage. It might be ten years from when she first started but knowing that it will conclude and approximately when that will happen has carried her through some of the rough patches where her sense of self was badly shaken.
Some SAHMs are ferociously self-righteous about their decision to be at home raising their children; the sacrifices they are making and their dedication to their children are question marks aimed squarely at your choices. While they have frequently rubbed me the wrong way, being a work-away-from-home mother, myself (and not entirely eagerly), in all honesty who can blame them? You give up a lot of identity to be outside the sphere of paid work, you will want something to counter-balance that, and goddamnit you will want to get in the first punch
This is a great post and speaks so clearly to me today, in my little fog of not feeling great about myself and knowing that it has something to do with the staying-at-home/not-staying-at-home tension in my life and my mind.
I’m so happy to hear that you’re feeling good about yourself, and that your co-workers do not beg you to keep them company in the bathroom. Now that is independence!
Some weeks ago, I was a little shocked to realise that my students didn’t think that at-home-parent-work counted as work.
It’s scary how much we internalise that ‘not-work’ attitude. You don’t notice until you go back to work and take yourself so much more seriously. The husband certainly noticed the opposite when he took over most of the home-parenting work in our family.
I’m intrigued by your comment about SAHMs at times being ferociously self-righteous. I can see where you are coming from, but still feel a bit put out that that is how a SAHMs position can sometimes be percieved. Mainly because I am sure I have been interpreted in that way, and I think the inference can be made because of the frustration and defensiveness I feel at times.
I have been a SAHM for almost 5 years (I do study and am part time self employed – but these are squeezed around the 9-5 of mothering). I still feel like there is this great question of…yes, but what else do you do?
So if SAHMs ever come across as self righteous I hope that as you pointed out it comes from a pre-emptive response that has been learned through repetitive challenges to the position’s legitimacy. I really do look forward to a time when women don’t feel cornered into a need to defend their mothering choices.
Hope your return to work goes well. Any form of mothering is a complex business to say the least.
I was worried about possibly contributing something to the infamous Mummy Wars in this post. I hope I haven’t over-stepped the mark.
Thanks for your perspective as a SAHM.
For me I find being a full time mum such a challenge that I’m looking forward to returning the work next week. After a two hour visit this week for a hand over, I felt so refreshed and excited to be returning to a job I enjoy and adults I can relate to.
Being a mum is such a relentless job that I find it hard to find any time for myself (let alone my partner) so for me work is an escape. It is my domain where people take me seriously and I a valuable member of a team. I feel (unfortunately) that being a mothering is a largely thankless job that it’s hard to be positive about it all the time.
Don’t get me wrong – I adore my children and wouldn’t change a thing. I just feel that 9 months of around the clock care is about as much as I can handle.
Sometimes, when we have a tough weekend with our toddler, I can’t wait to go to work on Monday. I work two days a week and I think it makes me a better, more focused mother.
I wonder if people describe being at home with kids as brainless because when you’re tired, and engaged in something totally relentless, you do start to feel stupid. It’s not that you are stupid, it’s just that when you never get a break to gather your thoughts or focus on one thing at a time you start to feel the deficit.
It happens if you pull all nighters studying or work long days every day in an office too, but in those circumstances it tends not to go on for as long.
Excellent point.
A male colleague (who actually does know better) said to me when he saw me in the office this week ‘holiday’s over’. I just gave him a stare as he knew what my answer would be.
Like many SAHMs, I woke up this morning to demands of “nummy (food), nummy, nummy, nummy, nummy, nummy, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, me, me, me, me, me, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, nummy, nummy, nummy…”
With scintillating conversation like that, it’s easy to see why some believe the work to be brainless. It’s not, however, easy for me to understand how some disbelieve that kowtowing to the constant demands of a helpless, irrational being while trying to raise them to be a healthy individual is WORK.
…Thanks for letting me say my piece; I think Kate put it much better.
Wow, I can really identify with this post! I had the same increase in self-esteem when I went back to work, and a certain amount of guilt for enjoying it so much. After 2 and a bit years at home looking after a wee chap who I adore, being back at fulltime work almost feels like a holiday sometimes.
My take on the “brainless” referencing is that it’s a low self esteem thing, similar to the way that someone shoots down compliments if they feel unworthy of them. You say it to try to preempt any implied criticism.
Its a tough challenge – you want to be able to focus on your kids that much, but its hard to focus on anything 24/7, literally. If you don’t consider SAHMing as true work, you are doing yourself a disservice. I mean that in the general sense, if “one” does not consider it work “one” is doing “oneself” a disservice. Maybe its not complicated but its intense. Sometimes taking a break for several hours (by going to work) is all you need to be a better more focused (and intelligent feeling) evening and weekend mom.
I find myself wondering how I would do SAHMing full time. My husband is home alone with our 7 month old for two weeks, and I’m glad he’s getting perspective on the job. I am enjoying my peace and quiet in my office at the same time 🙂
Anyways, another wonderful post. Thanks.
I really resented going back to work at first but now I feel the same as you.
I leave the house and put on make up. I have stuff to say to people whose lives do not revolve around chidren. I talk to adults and when I come home to my son I am much happier than if I was at home with him all day. I am very lucky to have a mother who helps me with my childcare.
My only wish is that I could do half and half. That would be perfect. Unfortunately unflexible work hours and crazy London living costs mean this is impossible.
I respect women who stay at home to raise their children mainly because I just couldn’t do it.
Motherhood can be totally consuming and I’m sorry but I don’t want to be totally consumed. Before I had a baby I was a person and I didn’t agree to a personality swap at the same time they were stitching me up after birth!
I live in a suburban enclave, that’s how I deal with the loss of status I feel I suffered when I became a SAHM. If I head into the city with my kids I feel the low status I have by the way I am invisible, and squeezed out physically by people on the street. But where I live it’s quite normal to be a SAHM.
I have just stumbled across your blog through another that linked here and have really enjoyed the several posts I’ve read. This one in particular spoke to me, as a SAHM for the past 3.5 years who has, at various times, contemplated going back to work. I do enjoy being home, but when I have taken on freelance work on occasion I have such a feeling of release and purpose, just as you have described.
I agree that knowing that I won’t be at home forever is something that keeps me sane and I enjoy planning for what I will do when my youngest goes to school in three years. But I am also aware that my confidence in myself to work at my previous career has dropped hugely. I am very nervous about the prospect of joining an team again, turning up to an office and working on projects when I haven’t done anything for so long. I never thought I would feel that way, but I do.
Nicely put. Just wondering, how did you manage a one year maternity leave?
Savings plus a couple of months paid maternity leave. We’re asset poor but relatively debt free.
I have been pondering this post for so long that I am clearly going to have to write a full post in response. However, briefly, I wanted to say:
1. Great post.
2. I wonder how differently this feeling of being so out-of-the-loop would be if our society had better networks for parents who stay home and a better generally level of respect for what they do?
3. I think that our society’s acceptance of child-hatred/bigotry plays a big part in making SAHMotherhood so difficult and isolating, and I am so glad that it is starting to receive more attention and criticism.
4. I am kind of anticipating that I might properly experience this feeling with the birth of my second baby, because I felt as though my identity was so saturated by my status as a PhD student while Lily was little that I never got to claim my identity as a mother very convincingly. To me this was a source of endless frustration, but it may have also shielded me from some of the demeaning attitudes of others towards SAHMs.
And so much more… I will have to write a proper post once this chapter is done and off to my supervisors.
I look forward to that post.
I don’t know why you think mothers work is brainless, I personally don’t know anyone who thinks this. Most people I know value mothers very highly and appreciate them.
I have several post graduate degrees and stopped working when I had my first baby because I believed that there was no one better qualified to nurture and care for my child than I was. Why would I give this precious baby into the care of someone else when I had the choice to stay home? Why would I have a child and not take the time to raise it myself if we could manage financially? My husband and I work as a partnership and my work is as valuable as his when it comes to our family and I have never had anyone imply that it wasn’t.
My work colleagues have all been supportive and have never treated me differently since I have had children. I occasionally work on projects from home now and feel no more valued at work than I am at home. I am easily replaceable at work, I am irreplaceable at home.
My children are now school aged and the mums I know are not judgemental about other mothers choices. We each have our own choice to make based on our family circumstances and there is no point complaining about gender equality when women are being so judgemental about themselves.
Women should be proud of whatever child care choices they have made as we are all striving to do the best for our children and we all have different circumstances to manage. I don’t judge full time working mums for their choices. Women need to stop feeling guilty about motherhood and embrace it. I was brought up to trust my own opinion, to believe I could achieve whatever I set out to do and since you can’t please eveyone, you should please yourself.
Your self esteem does not come from others, or from work, it comes from within. From believing in the choices you make and from doing your best every day.
my 2c – thanks for the thoughtful comment and insight into your own experiences. I am glad that you are experiencing motherhood in a way that is so free of prejudice, but I am also curious about a few things…
Why do you have the impression that I think mothering is brainless when I wrote an entire post arguing that mothering was falsely claimed to be so?
Also, you say that you don’t think there is judgementalism among mothers you know about other mothers’ choices and yet your own language suggests the possibility: “.. and stopped working when I had my first baby because I believed that there was no one better qualified to nurture and care for my child than I was. Why would I give this precious baby into the care of someone else when I had the choice to stay home? Why would I have a child and not take the time to raise it myself if we could manage financially?”
You seem to believe that the only valid reason for a mother to work outside the home is if she is financially desperate enough to warrant it. That could be considered kinda judgemental by some working-outside-the-home mothers.
Blue Milk
You wrote that “Everyone says parenting is brainless so no-one wants to admit that they might actually find this ‘brainless work’ quite inspiring and even rather mentally taxing at times, so therefore everyone says how brainless the job is and everyone else agrees.” It would seem you included yourself in there.”
I gave my own reasons for choosing to stay home. I think my choices are right for me, and that I’m lucky I had the choice because my husband could take the financial load. I have no problem with any mothers who would prefer to work because they enjoy work, or need to work for other reasons. The most important thing is that we have choices and can be respected for the choices we make.
You also state that “In contrast to all this glory I feel a fresh pain for the people hovering outside the labour market – those vulnerable and excluded from all this kudos, this credibility, this sense of place – with their disadvantage reinforced not only by financial exclusion but also by social exclusion”, it certainly seems like you’re judging mothers who don’t have the same life that you have chosen.
Oh for goodness sake!
Blue Milk wrote about HER experience of feeling that society doesn’t value her role as a mother in the way that it values her working-outside-the-home role. She wrote about the fact that a lot of other mothers also experience this social exclusion and feel that society devalue their role as mothers (which is true and has been extensively documented). In relation to THOSE mothers that do experience this unpleasant feeling she said that she feels sympathy for them.
If you want to find judgement in someone’s words then you can find it anywhere, but honestly calling this post judemental is a bit far-fetched. Just because YOU have not experienced these feelings does not invalidate the experiences of Blue Milk and other women who have, nor does it make this post irrelevant to them (as the above comments attest).
Instead of simply pointing out that this experience is not universal (which would be perfectly valid and add to the discussion in a constructive way), you seem to be trying to claim that it should never have been written because, somehow, you were able to feel judged by someone else expressing their feelings about their own experience. To me this the height of arrogance.
i think 2c has a point. i consider myself a true feminist in that what i strive for is choice, not judgmentalism.
this blog has dedicated totally too much time to judging others for their choices and opinions.
i know SAHM’s, i know paid-employment mothers, i know women who choose not to have children, i know women that wish for children and have been unable, and i admire each and every one of them!
none if it is brainless, and more often than not, all of them are just hard work!!!!
everyone should get off their high horses and just do their best for them and their family.
i think the feminists of decades ago would be bitterly disappointed that womens’ choices get criticised by other women – STILL.
true feminist – be careful to stay on topic for this thread or your general this-blog-sucks comments will be read as trolling.
my working husband has just explained what trolling means. i am sorry, i hadnt realised that the only comments welcome were positive affirmations of your thoughts.
i was sincere in my criticisms and am further disappointed at your dismissal of my what i thought was ‘on topic’ comments.
i shall now leave the site, never to visit again. perhaps something more low brow and less denegrating is more suited to my openmindedness.
Au revoir
Interesting. I feel like the point of this post has been missed and I guess that is feedback of sorts. It wasn’t a very clear post, apparently.
my 2c – Let me state once again that I do not consider mothering to be brainless .. because the point I was trying to make in the post was that mothering work is not generally recognised to be legitimate work (if it were people wouldn’t say “I am just a mum” or “do you work or are you at home with the kids” or “it is working if you do it in a childcare centre for money but it isn’t work if you do it in your own home with your own kids and we won’t count it in the GDP”) and because of this we can miss out on all the pats on the back from society that people doing paid work get.. and that when you miss out on these pats on the back that you might also start to devalue your own work as a mother.. and that this is maybe why I hear mothers themselves referring to mothering as ‘brainless’, which I think is anything but (and which deep down I think they also think is anything but brainless). If I thought mothering was brainless I probably would not be prompted to dedicate an entire blog to the topic of mother-work.
Secondly, I did say that I felt empathy for those hovering outside the labour market and I meant that – this would be the long-term unemployed, the underemployed, and the have-stopped-looking-for-work-long-ago-because-I-believe-I-am-so-unlikely-to-get-a-job but none of these groups necessarily imply SAHMs though I imagine a few of them might be in those categories too. In the sentence that follows this I refer specifically to wondering *also* about SAHMs, so you can see that I am not necessarily saying SAHMs are those people excluded from the labour market. If you don’t identify as being excluded from the labour market (ie. ‘hovering outside the labour market’) then it is not you I am talking about in the first sentence and you needn’t feel crushed by my empathy.
If I recognise the disadvantages that arise from a prejudice against people outside the labour market that is not judgemental of me. I am not saying these people outside the labour market are bad, I am saying the way they are treated is bad.
Cristy has raised a good point in that you have an interesting contribution to make to this discussion in saying that “hey, I get plenty of pats on the back from everyone, I don’t ever feel that being a mother is not treated by the outside world as legitimate work”. That is your experience. Your experience is just different to my experience of how the world treats me when I am identified as a mother at home with her kids.
The comments so far seem to be a fair sample of exactly what this blog was talking about, with a feeling that we are all making judgements against each other.
Coincidently, it is mothers day today in Australia, which leaves me personally wondering if I am being the best mother I can be. Maybe it is our own insecurities that force us to try and convince other mums to make the same choices we ourselves have made.
my2c you are obviously a strong individual who has made your decisions on your own terms. I congratulate you for this. I too beleive we need to look inwardly to take back control of own self esteem.
Why is it so important what other people think? If we go back to paid employment only on the basis that other people will see and treat us differently; then; Who is in control of our self esteem?
We are getting too wound up in status and how others rate us as a “woman”.
Fuck it, lets take control of our own lives again as my2c has done and make our own decision with out needing the exclusive support of every other woman on the planet. This has to be the most positive way to get back our self esteem.
2c and true feminist – you might want to read some of the archives here before you accuse me of being judgemental against mothers, particularly SAHMs. For instance:
https://bluemilk.wordpress.com/2007/09/13/stay-at-home-parents-just-like-a-big-long-holiday/
https://bluemilk.wordpress.com/2008/07/17/i-like-to-think-of-my-maternity-leave-as-the-year-i-programmed-someones-brain/
https://bluemilk.wordpress.com/2008/02/07/mothers-and-their-ninny-brains/
Well others may be critical of your posts and not in a constructive way! But I think as usual this is well written post and I could not have said it better myself. It sums up how I’ve been feeling as a mother of late. I’m a full time SAHM of a 2+ year old looking to return to the workforce & finding that gap in my resume is definitely not being viewed positively.