I was doing some volunteer work at Lauca’s school – (quick little aside here, I actually intended to give only a single morning of my time to the school, Look, I’m a contributor and not a free-loader, put a tick next to our family’s name and say nice things about me in your social circles, but to be such a pain in the arse with my needy toddler in tow that I would be thanked for the offer but told not to worry next time; a win-win, I thought; and then unfortunately so few volunteers showed up that scream-y toddler or not I was desperately required and am now down for one morning each week until the end of time; sigh) – when I met another Montessori mother doing volunteer work there also. She and her husband and children are all American and they plan to return to the States just as soon as the GFC is over. Once I learned that she was American I was too curious to restrain myself any further and forgetting the small talk I asked her what she had noticed about Australian parenting styles, particularly in comparison to American parenting styles.
Now, I don’t know a lot of American mothers but I read a lot about American parenting because apart from anything, you guys are prolific on the Internet, and so it feels like I know lots of American mothers and I have some ideas of my own about how American parenting might differ from Australian parenting but I was very keen to hear what an American mother would think about the question. Also, people from other countries who spend some time living in your country are often the most insightful about your own country. Like, a very good friend of mine is French and she was the one who pointed out to me how much Australian parents like to have their children get around barefoot regardless of the weather or the occasion. Yes, we do.
Two things I noticed about this American mother – first of all, she was very polite, in fact, so polite that she had to be forcefully pushed into disclosing what she thought were the shortcomings of Australian parenting; and second thing, when she reprimanded her kindergartener she did so in a careful, thoughtful manner (exactly as I would expect from reading American parenting sites) and then she told her child to call her “M’am”. I know this is quite common in America, but I tell you, it sounds so peculiar here, I have never heard an Australian child refer to their mother as “M’am”. And I just about gasped with all that respect being thrown around in the room.
Anyway, this American mother told me that Australian parents seem to her very attentive to their children. She said she was impressed with how well mothers here got to know their individual children and how engaged we seemed to be in our children’s lives. (This could be a Montessori thing too, because I often tease Montessori parents for how conchy they all are). But she thought it was about the higher levels of workplace flexibility here – Australian parents could be more engaged in their children’s lives because they were able to spend more time with them than American parents could. Good argument. And talking to her reminded me of a study I had heard quoted recently (and I don’t remember where, sorry), that said that Australian parents spend more time with their children than any other parent in the Western world. This surprised me because I generally feel as harried and neglectful as the next mother.
The American mother finally admitted to me that the downside to all this time and engagement with our children was that we were maybe a little too focused on our children. That possibly our children were somewhat indulged. Interesting, because that is not how Australians see themselves, I would guess. We think we’re pretty relaxed about everything, including parenting. That we don’t try too hard at anything. That our kids aren’t coddled, they’re rugged. I was thinking all of this out loud with the American mother until she started to panic – perhaps I would be offended by what she’d told me or would I tell all the other mothers of the school? No, not offended, and don’t worry, I am not going to tell the other mothers, just the whole Internet.
Update: I should mention that this conversation relies upon some gross generalisations. Take my lead.
I think this is a more a Southern sensibility than an American one. Did she tell you where she was from? I live in the South and we require our children to call adults “ma’am” and “sir” or “Miss So-and-so” and “Mr. So-and-so” never just by the adult’s first name. This is unique to the South, though. There are many different styles of parenting in America and location is key. Is it the same in Australia? I am trying to think of one overarching attribute to all American parenting and it’s probably buying lots of stuff for your kids.
I’ll vouch for that! I never heard a “ma’am” or a “sir” from any kid until I moved to the South, and “Ms” and “Mr” seem reserved elsewhere for teachers and instructors and such, whereas in the South my daughter calls every adult she knows and isn’t related to “Ms firstname” or “Mr firstname”. I’d also agree with the buying of Stuff as the over arching American parenting theme.
On the post in general, its very cool to hear the take on American parents from the outside, and it sounds like it was fun to hear a take on Australian parenting from the outside.
Cool experience all the way around. 🙂
I have to agree with Elita. By your description of her, she sounds very Southern. There are many different parenting styles in the U.S. There are a few dominant general parenting philosophies (babywise, attachment, for example) that tend to go across all locations, but I certainly agree that different regions tend to have their own general culture. I live in the west where we tend to be more casual. My office had a college intern from Georgia one summer, and that poor boy with his “over-the-top politeness” calling everyone ma’am and sir got teased mercilessly. Other regional differences might be that someone from a midwestern rural area might be raised in a more “rugged” way – running around barefoot outside, fishing, etc. Whereas a big-city parent might be more “coddling” with the child having a full schedule of planned regular activities for every day of the week. Of course I am over-generalizing horribly to illustrate a point – that I don’t know that I could make any generalized statements about U.S. parenting.
I have to concur with Elita on both points: the “ma’m” form of address is idiosyncratic to the south and/or to very conservative households. And as a European raising 2 kids in the US, I definitely think Americans of all income levels like to buy/acquire stuff for their kids. Childhood = consumerism above all else.
I haven’t been back to Oz since becoming a parent, so I can’t really comment on that, but I was mildly amused by your shock at all the politeness ;-). My first trip over (in 1996), I – being a Midwesterner by birth – was equally horrified by all the sarcasm I met. Oh my heart! I took it all in and was shattered. I’m an old pro at it now, after many long stays with family & friends. Still, I can’t let go of my own politeness. Anyway, I’ll look forward to making parenting observations next time we head over! Enjoying the conversation today.
I had to call my parents sir & ma’am because they had to call their parents sir & ma’am, and while I grew up in Arizona and my parents grew up all over the place, my grandparents were from Kentucky and Tennessee.
I never thought of politeness as a strictly US thing…or lack of them as something culturally inherent in Australia.
My kids call adults they don’t know well Sir, Ma’am or Mr and Mrs. (Unless instructed otherwise by the person they are addressing.) Maybe it’s just that I come from a very small rural community, every one was either Mr and Mrs, Sir and Ma’am or an “Uncle” and “Aunt”. (And I had a bohemian upbringing in a bible belt!)
Having said that I am often surprised by other childrens lack of basic manners. And just as many people seemed shocked by my childrens politeness. So maybe manners are a cultural thing?
I’m going to be turning this over in my head all day long now.
🙂 I’ve never heard a child call her mother “ma’am” here in Virginia, in California, or in Massachusetts. Only mom. Or mamma.
Usually a child will call mama “ma’am” when mama is pissed off! I remember when mom got mad and asked me “Do you understand?” and it wasn’t enough to say, “Yes” you had to say, “Yes ma’am.” Otherwise she was mom, mommy, mama, etc.
Ahh, flashbacks. 🙂
from someone who is about to take 1 years paid maternity leave, it hurts my head when i read about the general lack of leave when one has a baby in the US. my manager has also assumed that i will be coming back to work part time after this. it breaks my heart a little bit to think about having to put our new bubs in childcare before they are walking. it interesting to think that this might make us aussies more “focussed”!
she says, trying to turn the discussion away from regional salutations 😉
I laughed at the shoes off thing. My child has shoes on for about 4 minutes per day. From the house in the car to preschool- then they are off for the whole day.
Maybe we are more obsessive about hats and sunscreen ( given our lack of ozonelayer) I think it varies enormously… I think as a society, and perhaps this is living in a small country town too- children are very welcome and included in everything. I like that about here- but not sure if the city is the same.
I agree- i find Americans so polite I always feel so obnoxious in comparison.
When Hubby and I traveled up the east coast of Australia (before we had kids), we noticed and commented on how Australian society seemed to put kids first. One example- any tourist attraction we went to gave all the prime spots, etc., to the kids. I remember a German tourist on our middle of the night excursion to see baby turtles hatch being a little pissy about that. But I thought it was generally quite nice.
I’ve never called anyone ma’am in my entire life. I used to do muay thai kickboxing at a school near the marine base, and the marines in my class used to call me ma’am, which freaked me out. I felt so old! (And I was, compared to them.)
@janette- I do wish we had better maternity leave here in the US, particularly for women who are not in high-earning professional jobs. Buy I have to say- I actually would have gone stark raving mad if I hadn’t gone back to work relatively early after my first baby was born. I am not exaggerating. I was hanging on by a thread and going back to work really helped me remember that (1) I was a person, and (2) I was competent at something. A 12 month maternity leave would have been very wrong for me.
My personal ideal is 3-6 months off followed by a couple of months half time. I actually got 3 months off followed by 1 month half time, and it was not at full pay.
My kids started day care when they were 5 months old (both times, my husband split a month with me, and my parents came and took care of the baby for a month). That actually worked well for us. The baby was old enough to be able to interact with toys, etc. at day care but well-acclimated to day care before separation anxiety hit at ~9 months. 12 months would probably also be a good time, though.
Oh, and its nice to hear that y’all think Americans are polite. Because generally I just hear that we’re loud.
lol! So true. Whwnever my husband and I travel out of the country (doesn’t happen much, but when it does) we frequently try to hide the fact that we are from the U.S. because of the stigma of “loud, obnoxious Americans”
Hey everyone, I’m not a parent, but I teach primary aged kids. Ais the comparison for Anglo-Saxon Auzzie/US parenting only?
Just curious… No angst 🙂
Alison, good question. We’re talk gross generalisations here, so feel free to pipe up with any observations of your own.
My child’s school is very multicultural, and has a relatively high Aboriginal population so in terms of my observations of the American mother’s observations of Australian parents – well, if hers are based on parents at our school then it extends beyond Anglo-Saxon Australian parents but who knows really.
The bit about how well mothers get to know their children and are involved in their lives is very funny. Why would we have kids if we didn’t want to be involved in their lives?
Yes, we are very proud of the barefootedness, I don’t know why!
This is funny, I don’t think of Australian culture as putting kids first, I compare it to Spain and Spanish culture where kids are (generally) welcomed as a part of everyday life, in the cafe, in the restaurant, on the street – their exuberance (and accompanying noise) is celebrated rather than judged as I feel it can be here (in anglo-Australia, my culture). Mind you, I was childless when I lived in Spain, so who knows, I’ll check with an Aussie mate living there.
I’ve been mulling over this post a lot.
I agree with the American Montessori mother. Having been a child in the US, a step mother (of sorts) in the UK and now a mother in Australia, I do feel Australian parents focus a lot on children. I think it’s great, though with anything there are some downsides.
For instance, I feel there is a bit of shame associated with mums who want to go back to work full time or who want to have their own, non-child focussed interests. It certainly isn’t the case with my friends, but I have definitely heard and felt that from mums in the park, online forums etc. Perhaps that is what the mother was picking up on?
[…] Milk asks: How do Australians parent differently[than USians? A study has suggested we have more workplace flexibility than parents in the US […]