Cormac is twenty-two months old. I love seeing Cormac cuddle his doll. Ditto, on walking into the kitchen to see his father and he sitting on the floor together because he has asked his father to paint his toenails. Bill, who has little in the way of a feminine side and who has never worn nail polish himself, happily obliging his son with pink nails.
Last year I had an incoming link to this post from a men’s site complaining about feminist mothers and their anti-male parenting. It was mostly amusing to me. Lots of shock and horror over the idea that I would dress my baby in anything but boy’s clothing. Lots of assumptions that this meant I hated my son for being male.
It took becoming a mother of a son for me to realise just how fearful the world is of losing masculinity. I mean, god knows there are lots of rules about gender binary and how girls and women perform femininity, too, but I don’t think we’re as frightened of femininity being corrupted and lost as we are of masculinity being diluted. It is a strange fear.
I don’t love Cormac’s stereotypical ‘boyish’ behaviour any less – the constant growling, the rough play, the obsession with trucks and trains and diggers – than his more stereotypical ‘girlish’ behaviour (it’s all cute to me), but I confess to privately celebrating the girlish moments a little more. It is not because I entertain notions of undoing masculinity, it is because I recognise its dominance. It is because there is an onslaught of hyper-masculinity coming Cormac’s way. Cormac’s masculinity, or the ‘cordial concentrate’ version of it anyway, is taken care of without me having to lift a finger or purchase a single item of ‘camo’ clothing. The world will ensure that he is fully tutored in its expression (some of which I will enjoy in him and some of which I will not), at the expense of his fuller personality.
But every moment of softness and twirling and nurturing in him is proof for me of his personhood; proof that he is still freely roaming the spectrum of options in developing his identity and indeed, his own masculinity.
Thanks for posting this. Masculinity does seem tenuous and society-at-large has displayed through time how terrified it is of losing its “male” markings. I appreciate your stance and find it necessary today.
I feel much the same way about my six-year-old when he puts on my shoes and flings my handbag over his shoulder – that he should enjoy it (as I do) because society is going to do its level best to staunch those urges as he gets bigger.
This is so beautiful and thoughtful. Thank you for posting it.
Yes, I have the same feeling when my lovely 2.5 year old boy twirls around singing unselfconsciously “I a bayyayina. I yuv bayyay!”
He is also currently sporting a particularly attractive vermilion polish on his toenails. Interestingly, people keep asking him sympathetically “Who did that to you?”, suspecting that one of his older sisters forced him into it against his will. I take great delight in telling inquirers that I did it at his request.
i really like that last para Blue Milk. i really don’t see the camo and blue stuff as protecting masculinity, but rather as freezing it at some kind of lowest common denominator. do we really need to enumerate the different clothes that kids have worn and still wear, Ian Fleming, like most English boys wore a dress, didn’t do his masculinity any harm. some of these modern masculinity under attack whines remind me of those black clad english puritans affronted by the restoration court. nap time is over and there is no sense to get from me now, oh and please don’t take the IF reference as an endorsement of all aspects of his and his creations masculine traits. To the exploration of new masculinity.
My sister and I loved nothing more than to dress my little brother up in dresses and call him by the feminine of his name.
Fortunately my parents, in particular my father, were the types whose first reaction was ‘quick grab the camera’ rather than ZOMG YOU’VE TURNED MY SON INTO A GIRL.
Absolutely! Children deserve all opportunities. To grow and develop within the perceived stereotype of our culture is indeed limiting.
I see so many mothers dressing their girls like dolls and encouraging violence and aggression in their boys. It’s quite baffling when it seems so simple to me to bring up your children to be caring and thoughtful people is the
I want my children to be secure in their own selves and who they are as people not as gender defined.
Beautifully written and echoing my sentiments.
My 3 year old *loves* it when Mommy and her friend paint his toenails. I hope he never feels that has to change.
And of course, it wouldn’t matter if Cormac does turn out to be gay/trans.
I love that you are embracing both sides–the masculine and the feminine (and whether these are essential or socially constructed is totally debatable, of course), and that you are letting Cormac’s personality unfold in whatever way it does. You’re so right about the fear of losing masculinity–this is so threatening to some people. Probably because so much of culture, government, and social functioning is predicated on strict definitions of gender, and things might FALL APART if this were to change. Or so they fear.
Yes! Exactly! And how right to point out that we lose our “fuller personality” when all of these outside pressures and expectations limit us. It’s sad for everyone!
I am so touched to watch an old schoolfriend of my partner’s, who is an unmitigated blokey bloke, deal with his eight-year-old lad, who has turned out camp as a scouting jamboree. He’s struggling so hard, but not letting himself exhibit any sense of disapproval or concern, and supporting all his interests. So people can conquer themselves to do what’s best for their kids.
Aw lovely story orlando.
[…] (Other stuff I have written on this topic: 1, 2, 3, […]
[…] and the hyper-masculine is used to sell the hyper-feminine and vice versa to illustrate just how truly brainwashy this gender binary stuff is for kids. Share this:StumbleUponEmailTwitterFacebookLike […]
[…] nice for a change… until one day when we finally get to a world where we don’t only have hyper-masculine and hyper-feminine clothing choices for little kids. Share this:StumbleUponEmailTwitterFacebookLike […]
[…] subject to talk about. There are some great posts about it in relation to parenting here and here and here. She talks about this fear- this seemingly ever present fear- of men losing their […]