PART 2 – This is what I said a feminist mother looks like: the impact of motherhood on their feminism

Part 2 of some of the major themes I discussed in the presentation I gave at the international motherhood conference detailed here. This section is on the impact of motherhood on respondents’ feminism. It is dense with information so let me know if you would like me to unpack any particular point further.

• Re-shaping of their feminism – some becoming less angry, some becoming more angry. A couple described their motherhood as ‘radicalising them’ in their feminism.

• “When I was younger I was all about women competing in the public sphere. Now I’m all about that if that is what folks want. But also I want work inside the home to be valued more”.

• “I feel only a year into being a mother … has… shown me that my feminism must evolve if I am to stay a feminist mother.”

• From a profeminist father – “It I speak out now, it is with a lot more sadness and less righteousness than I did when I was a college student. At this point, I’ve failed so many times that I can hardly denounce others for their imperfections”.

• Growing awareness through motherhood of wider injustice – “it became obvious even in my little bubble of baby bliss that the world around really made little space for mothers with young children”.

• And from another: “every day, I am furious that we have made little to no headway in creating systems of support for working mothers and fathers and their children”.

• And another: “I don’t think my values have changed, but I now see most – all – of the world through a feminist lens in a way I didn’t at first”.

• Some questioning of nature vs nurture (though just as often the conclusion was the opposite to the one in this example) – “I am mother to a male toddler and I am surprised to see how stereotypically boyish he behaves when I see him around girls. I’m not as certain as I used to be that people act the way they want to – I think they sometimes act the way they’re programmed”.

• Sacrifice, mothering and feminism – getting the balance right:- “Because that sacrifice has included so far my time to paint and create (what makes me feel connected and whole). Maybe that’s not really feminism, but it is akin to forsaking what makes you a person in the first place. Why can’t mothers be people too? Why are we so often just mothers? And why is that not good enough?”

• A mother on the supposedly feminist notion of ‘being able to have it all’: “But the energy required in taking care of a baby astonishes me. I sometimes feel resentful and like I was lied to by feminist literature”.

• There was much questioning of the way in which dependence is seen as a weakness; the way in which mothering (especially in the way it can ‘slow a person down’) is seen as an unworthy pursuit/state of being; the way in which becoming a mother can be seen as being a traitor to feminism. Arguments were made that there has been a preoccupation with seeing the feminist fights of motherhood as about how to help women leave their home and work outside the home rather than how to be respected and valued and happy inside the home.

• “A lot of the time, my children’s needs come before mine, especially while they are all so young. I reconcile my sacrifices with my feminism by making sure I do put time aside for myself whenever I am, able to, and by trying to remember that these sacrifices are temporary – my children won’t be this needy forever. It does help that my husband has also made sacrifices of his free time, social activities and opportunities for further study, too”.

• “I try and find ways to let them (ie. her sons) know that, while I love them and love being their mother, I made sacrifices I should not have had to make. I am starting to let them know this as they start to form ideas about themselves as fathers. I want them to think about choosing a career and lifestyle that will alow them to spend more time fathering than their own father does”.

• “Motherhood pushed me to examine more closely, and finally reject, ‘equality’ as a useful idea. Motherhood forced me to feel in my bones how much I had been able to ‘pass’ as male”.

• Interesting response – “How has motherhood changed my feminism? It’s made me less sympathetic to any instance where a mother’s interests trump a child’s (I’m not comfortable with this, but it’s true)”.

• “Mr Mom was a fairly unusual arrangement 20 years ago and I thought it confirmed my feminism. Instead I worked nonstop as breadwinner and mother. In many ways I overcompensated for not being home during the day by trying to be the perfect mom at nights and on weekends. Did I mention I did all the cooking and cleaning too? Yeah, not so feminist an approach.. It has taken me a long time to understand that ‘motherhood means sacrifice’ does not mean mothers are solely responsible for sacrifice”.