This response to my 10 questions about your feminist motherhood is from Mom, JD. It’s this lovely thoughtful reflection upon where she is at right now and where she came from, and what I really like is the way she has unpacked the question about ‘what makes her mothering feminist’.
The choices you make versus the things that weren’t really a choice for you, and whether these choices make you a better feminist or not, and then finally, are you using these choices to pit yourself against other women in the name of being a better feminist – such a great thinking point Mom, JD has put out there. (I’ve talked a little bit about ‘choice feminism’ and feminist pissing contests before here).
4. What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?
This is such a difficult question because so much of what it has meant to be a mother for me (so far) has seemed so traditional — breastfeeding, reigning in my career ambitions to focus on mothering, etc. I could say that sticking with law school, pursuing my career makes me a feminist mother, but I actually don’t think that’s true. Plenty of women pursue work and/or careers out of necessity or regardless of whether or not they are feminists. I personally believe that unless mothers engage in paid work, the workplace will not move in a positive direction for families. In that sense, choosing to work is a feminist act. But I don’t think it’s the only way to be a feminist mother.
This post is part of the 10 questions about your feminist motherhood series. You can find all the many other responses in this series here. If you’d like to respond to these questions yourself you can either email me your answers and I’ll put them on blue milk as a guest post or you can post them elsewhere and let me know and I’ll link to them.
What’s the definition of a feminist? Feel like if a woman ISN’T a feminist then she’s not proud of being a woman.
I’m going to disagree with that statement Anthony. I know many, albeit religious, women who take great pride in being women but who are not feminist at all. There are many different ways of being a woman, just as there are many different ways of being feminist.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
I really liked her post. I especially liked this part:
“So far, the most feminist “mothering” in our family has been my husband’s fathering. Creating an equitable parenting relationship is by far the most feminist act of parenting that my household has accomplished.”
I am not sure if this is devaluing my own efforts or not but I feel like it is my husband who often makes the most effort to challenge traditional roles and it makes my job so much easier. When my daughter only wants me in the middle of the night it is him who tells me to go back to sleep and she’ll have to get used to him going to her. It could have been so easy for him to pass the buck at those moments.
@ Jane – well, you picked your husband, and you create space for him to pick up your daughter in the middle of the night. It’s your collective parenting that is equitable/feminist, so don’t leave yourself out of the equation!
But I think your (Jane) are right – building equal parenting is a really significant building block to feminism. Working mothers have so many fewer choices when they are forced to be the primary caregiver as well as a full time OOH worker. Mom, JD is right too that mothers choosing to work is a significant feminist act. Those two things go hand in hand – women refusing to put themselves second in professional terms, and creating equal domestic partnerships (where applicable). But Mom JD is right too of course that choosing to work isn’t the only way of being a feminist mother, or experiencing equal parenting. I had an extended maternity leave, and i definitely felt fully and equally partnered with my husband domestically, even though I stayed at home and he worked full time. (Ie, when he came home from work I immediately handed over Baby who was his responsibility through bedtime, which he did; I pumped a bottle so daddy could do bedtime; I made dinner while they did this, and then hubby did the dishes after dinner, etc.)
I couldn’t agree more. My daughter does see equal parenting every day. My husband responded and wanted to be involved with her from day 1. he was reluctant at first, but this was out of fear and I am sure many women confuse this for the father not taking an interest. Watching my husband change our baby when she was tiny was looking back now, funny, he fumbled and muddles trying to get buttons to match up and resistant little arms into clothing etc but I allowed him to struggle and learn. I saw so many women i know criticise their husbands and take over and then complain that he never helped. I think being a feminst mother means allowing your partner to struggle and learn just like you are.
I also agree that the workplace needs to respond better to working parents and this can only be achieved if we head back to the workplace after having children.
My husband had never held a newborn before our baby was born. He jumped right in – we both accepted the premise of our equal parenting abilities from the beginning, even though I knew a lot more about babies than he did. Men not having experience with babies isn’t a reason not to engage in equal parenting. But I have sadly seen the same phenomenon that you mention (women jumping in and taking baby from daddy and then complaining he doesn’t help).
I struggle with not having equal parenting and felt I had failed badly when my son noted to me one evening, based on something new I had purchased in the bathroom, that ‘wasn’t i (mom) the one who always did the shopping and didn’t mommies do all the cooking’.
[…] nicht lohne, arbeiten zu gehen, weil dann ja ihr ganzes Gehalt für die Kinderbetreuung drauf gehe. Bluemilk wiederum schreibt über eine Mutter, die die Entscheidung zur Arbeit als feministischen Akt sieht. […]