Guest post: Mamafesto on her feminist motherhood

Guest post: The writer of Mamafesto (with the superb by-line of “where motherhood and feminism collide”) is also on the editorial board of Gender Across Borders. She thinks, she writes, she raises a little boy. And this is her fantastic response to my 10 Questions About Your Feminist Parenthood. I particularly liked the way she includes “processing” as part of her definition of feminist parenting.

1. How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?

My feminism: Plain and simple, my definition of feminism means equality for all, regardless of gender (and fighting for that equality!), and ensuring that those who choose to live either within or outside stereotypical gender lines (or straddle the line!) are supported.

While I can definitely point to actions in my youth (i.e. shearing off my Barbie’s hair into cute pixie cuts because I felt that their long flowing locks were unnatural), I remember latching on to the notion of feminism in high school. A combination of amazing teachers, a passion for history and a voracious appetite for reading all combined to steer me towards self-identifying as a feminist back then.

My connection to feminism only grew as I became involved in reproductive rights (facilitating a workshop on birth control my senior year for my Jewish youth group, etc…), went on to study both education and history in college and then eventually obtained my master’s in Women’s Studies. Even when I became a teacher, my feminist ideals shone through, as I always spent liberal amounts of time ensuring that I told the full story, including viewpoints from both women and men in my class.

While I would certainly say that I was a feminist before I became a mother, I definitely tapped into a whole new aspect of it once my son was born.

2. What has surprised you most about motherhood?

That it’s ever changing. Just when I think I have a handle on things, something goes in an unexpected direction. It makes it both exciting and challenging, for sure.

3. How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?

I’m a lot less reactionary now than I was in my teens and early twenties. That doesn’t mean that I’m not an activist or don’t speak my mind, I just choose my words more carefully and consider my audience more. Over time I’ve learned that not every tactic works on everyone the same way, and that it’s important to figure out different methods of imparting your message so it’s actually heard and considered rather than ignored. Motherhood has only impressed these points upon me.

I also feel more resolute in my feminism as a mother. Not only do I need to continue fighting the good fight, but I feel that it’s an important part of my role as a mother to model feminist behavior and ideals for my son. So while I may work differently now than I did 10 years ago, I definitely work harder at it all.

4. What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?

A big part of my parenting is modeling feminist behaviors in my house. I try to have body positive language, show my son that boys and girls can do and be anything they want to be (Some days I feel as if I’m channeling Marlo Thomas & Free To Be You and Me and I’m so okay with that) and the like. I am also very anti gender stereotyping which I pull from my feminist beliefs and it ends up in my parenting. My son has dressed up as everything from a princess to a butterfly and we’re fine with it. The color pink doesn’t scare us, and we encourage imaginative play of all kinds. I’m probably much more strict when it comes to the purchasing of violent toys like play guns or various video games.

However, one of the biggest things I have taken from feminism and applied to parenting is the notion of processing. While sometimes we (in the feminist community) can over-process, I find that even introducing the idea of working through our thoughts/feelings as mothers is helpful on many different levels. Not only does it provide me with ample ways to check in if I’m feeling frustrated, but it’s headed off times that could have escalated into heated arguments with my son (and anyone who’s argued with a toddler can understand the frustration that can cause). It’s also given my son the ability to work through his own thoughts and feelings and while it doesn’t necessarily work every single time, it’s certainly a useful tool to have in my mothering arsenal.

5. Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?

I find myself compromised when my son really wants something that falls beyond my comfort zone or beliefs as a feminist. However, regardless of whether you’re a feminist or not, I figure every parent has to deal with a similar issue of their children wanting something they’re uncomfortable with. (Only while some parents blanch at the thought of their sons wearing pink, I tremble at the idea of my son playing with guns). We try to handle these instances on a case by case basis and it involves a lot of discussion – between myself and my husband and as a whole family. There have been instances when I’ve compromised my own notions either because my husband or my son have given compelling arguments to support their own, but I always feel as if we all at least know where everyone’s coming from and sometimes we can even be convinced to change our viewpoint.

I really dislike the word failure attached to anything related to motherhood – it’s a huge part of where “mommy guilt” comes from – setting up these high expectations, only to not live up to them. Do I have instances where I’m disappointed in my parenting choices? Sure. But as long as I can recognize them and learn from them (either talk it out with my child or change for the better if the situation occurs again) that I can’t quite call them failures.

6. Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?

It can be challenging for sure, just like all aspects of motherhood. Sometimes I find the need to explain myself or my parenting choices more to others, but that usually leads to interesting discussion. I’ve found that regardless of one’s beliefs, mothers are constantly questioned or challenged for their child-rearing decisions. This goes back to the notion of failure…sometimes it feels like parenting is this big competition where everyone is keeping score, noting what you’ve chosen to do/not do and silently (or loudly!) judging you on it. Identifying as a feminist sometimes brings those judgements to a bit of a louder space, but (like any parenting choice) if you’re confident and comfortable in your choices then you get through it and allow it to work for your family, because that’s the one that matters in the end.

7. Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?

I think most things in life – relationship, parenting, jobs, etc… – involve sacrifice. I don’t believe that being a feminist automatically entitles me to be selfish about certain things, and so yes, sacrifices are made. However, I do feel that whatever sacrifice I make needs to have personal value and merit to me. As long as I can stay true to my ideals as a whole, I feel a sacrifice here or there is worth it. Also – as mothers, I find we become crafty creatures and learn to work our way around certain issues. For instance, it would not have been out of place to have seen me with my infant son strapped to my back as I polled outside voting places for Planned Parenthood or helped staff a booth for them during street fairs. It takes on a whole new meaning when you’re handing out free condoms while your son is chewing on your hair!

8. If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?

My husband and I have been together going on 13 years now, so he knew what he was getting into right from the start, and I’d like to think he wouldn’t have it any other way. There are certain things we disagree on with parenting, but only rarely do they revolve around feminist issues. In fact, my husband considers himself a feminist as well, so we tend to jive on those topics as they relate to our son. I’m not sure there is much of a significant impact as my feminist beliefs have been around since day once and they were always a part of our lives, something that naturally segued into parenting. While we may not see eye to eye on every single issue, nothing I’ve said or done has surprised him in the slightest, so while there’s not always 100% agreement, there’s definitely a sound understanding of where the other parent is coming from.

9. If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?

For me, attachment parenting and feminism go hand in hand. One thing I find to be at the core of feminism is our right to choose and I find that extends towards parenting practices as well. While some feminists might take issue with various attachment parenting practices, I’m glad that I am able to be in a position to be able to practice AP. In my mind, my hope is that because of attachment parenting, I will raise a son who is both sensitive and nurturing – both qualities that I personally find admirable in men.

As for choices I’ve made in my pregnancy and parenting, I can’t see how breastfeeding, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, choosing whether or not to vaccinate my child and other choices impact my feminism or vice versa. It all boils down to the fact that we, as women, have the right to choose how we parent. Does that mean I don’t get uncomfortable when I hear about women choosing elective c-sections or attempting to CIO with their newborns? Of course not. And while I will certainly attempt to share information on the subjects, ultimately, I also understand that it is their right to choose and can only hope that they educate themselves to make the fitting choice.

I also find AP to be inherently feminist in a sense, as it provides the partner with a tangible and equal role as well. My husband logged many hours of baby-wearing our son as well as co-sleeping, helping with child-led weaning, etc… In my opinion, for AP to work, it takes both parents to put in the effort. I only have to think back to when, at 18 months, we were night weaning our son and my husband took the brunt of getting him back to sleep. Equal sleeplessness for all!

10. Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?

While I don’t feel that feminism has failed mothers, I definitely feel that there is a lot more dialogue that needs to occur between the two groups. Personally, I dislike the fact that we even need to differentiate between the two. Clearly not all feminists are mothers, but I would love to get to a place where all mothers can feel comfortable calling themselves feminists. It’s still hard for me to understand why there are some women out there who have a hard time taking on the label of feminism – that we’ve gotten to a place where people almost feel alienated by the word. In that sense, I feel it stretches beyond mothers and on to women as a whole. We, as feminists, have failed if there are still those out there who have this image of feminists as militant “man-haters.” Perhaps if people feel that feminism is doing more to support mothers in general it would help in showing that a feminist is not just one type of person.

(You can find all the many other responses in this series here. If you’d like to respond to these questions yourself you can either email me your answers and I’ll put them on blue milk as a guest post or you can post them elsewhere and let me know and I’ll link to them).