I’m really liking Tracy Moore’s parenting posts on Jezebel. (But good god, don’t expect any kind of enlightenment in the comment threads). She’s what I would describe as ‘an accidental attachment parent’, which is pretty much how I came to be attachment parenting, too. It just happened, it felt right to me, it seemed to kinda work, and it really suited my laziness.
Here are Tracey Moore’s parenting posts:
How I learned to stop worrying and love pooping during childbirth
Five: At least knowing this helps you figure out who you really want in the ol’ delivery room, eh? Let’s take that list, cut in half, and then burn whatever’s left. Hey – some people have honest-to-God orgasms when they give birth. Is that what you want your mother-in-law to see? I think you’re beginning to see that pooping is clearly the more family-friendly option here.
Isn’t a baby supposed to cramp your style?
Perhaps, at least initially, early parenthood should be a period of confinement, I wondered. A mental and physical test of one’s ability to focus, channel and redirect. A meditative retreat into a new self, a quieting down of all the usual clatter.
Sure, we went out into the world with our baby. But rather than try to force her into our existing excursions, we tried new ones that might force us to consider the city – and our lives – from a new angle. Rather than become frustrated at staying in evenings, we relished the ability to live a low-key existence and go to sleep early, which strengthened our relationship and made working the first year entirely possible in spite of lots of waking up in the middle of the night.
Where, exactly, is it ok to take your kid?
Here’s something you did one time that didn’t help. When you were driving to take your baby to a broken glass factory wine-tasting party, you didn’t immediately floor it when the light changed green while sitting in traffic because you were looking at your baby in the rear-view mirror instead. Um, the lady in the Jetta was trying to get to her friend’s yoga class that already started and she only has this one free pass for this one time?
Also did you know how slow you are? Everywhere you go? Can’t you go faster? Even a little? Do you ALWAYS have to strap the baby in the car seat? Some of us are trying to get to a movie?
Advice to would-be parents: learn how to make the elephant sound now, before it’s too late
The ability to lie completely still for three hours, transcending all your biological needs.
This one’s not about externalizing, but internalizing. It’s great for people who are already interested in meditation. Lying next to a baby who is just almost asleep for two hours while you desperately need to pee/eat/ scratch an itch/cough brings up strange, existential questions, like, Is it possible to reabsorb all this pee and somehow be “beyond peeing?” Can you cough into yourself? Inquiring minds.
Who needs the family bed when you have the family toilet?
Recently I was sitting on the toilet peeing while my nearly 2-year old daughter was sitting in my lap playing with her stuffed koala bear, and I thought to myself, how did we get here? It could be worse, I suppose — we could be doing this as a performance art piece at a pop-up gallery in downtown L.A.
I guess I forgot to wean my baby
Not like you didn’t already have enough weird, judgy parenting shit to deal with, but yay, now it’s not just whether you nurse and whether you like it but how long you do it for — and don’t forget to feel bad about where, you human gargoyle.
Even ol’ Prudie McJudgy over at Dear Prudence, who fancies herself the most reasonable and permissive person on the planet (about porn for men), joined in on the haranguing when she had about two hemorrhages in November answering a letter about a woman who nursed her 5-year-old in, gasp, plain view of other humans.
My worst parenting mistakes (so far)
We fought in front of the baby and didn’t always show her the makeup part.
Just ask any of my (theoretical) ex-boyfriends, I’m a BIG fan of talking about conflict right out in the open. I also think it’s OK to let kids see their parents argue, and what’s more important is showing them you can have a disagreement but that everything can be resolved. But like shaving your legs, this is still far easier said than done. Before you know it you find yourself stomping around hairy-legged one time too many over the same old row, till you notice you’ve raised your voice defending the second scratch you put on the side of the new car because there’s a weird pole next to your parking space and YES, you can try not to hit it 99% of the time but what about the 1% and what the crap can you really do if you’re in a hurry, and there is your sweet little baby hanging on your every utterance like she’s studying for the bar exam.
2012 is the year of only discussing what the baby can verbally help us resolve.
As to the “Where can I bring my baby?” My daughter and I now have to go out of our way to a distant library (10 mi away), as opposed to the one within walking distance because the librarians are very anti-baby. The first time I went with her she was a newborn (and in a Moby wrap). No one even noticed her until I was checking out (she was sleeping). Then the librarian tells me that if I want to bring my baby she has to remain quiet because it’s a library. I pointed out that she was sleeping, and he informed me it was advice for future visits. I thought he was ridiculous and kept going (because it was so convenient), until she was about 12 weeks old, woke up and started fussing because she was hungry. A different librarian immediately came over (pretty sure she had been watching us the whole time, just waiting to pounce) and told me that I had to leave because my baby was too loud. I explained that she just needed to nurse, and the librarian stated that no food or drink was allowed in the library – I could go outside. That was the end of going to that library!
I did lodge a complaint. The response stated that the librarians had leeway as to how the rules were enforced.
accidental attachment parent – me TOO. It all started with nursing side-lying. You know where those hormones lead.
I was almost derailed by the Searses though.
I know this is her life and everyone’s life, but those were freaking hilarious. My favourite was about how you can’t take your eye off them. My friend’s 10 month old baby has a finely honed intuition for the moment your grip on her is weak – combined with her love of being upside down or throwing her body off stuff backwards or generally being in a totally precarious, unsafe, airborne position, you end up holding her by one limb in space a lot (while she gurgles happily).
Loved (and by that I mean I hated) the comments from the one about peeing with the baby on her lap. The very first commenter (a bloke) reckons she’s not only failing to prepare her child for adulthood and independence but is somehow making her easy prey for child molesters! I thought every parent just naturally realised that, once they had a child, private toileting was a thing of the past. I’m pretty sure I’ve not just had kids on my lap, but breast feeding as well. And Meghan, I’ve had some pretty anti-baby experiences at places I thought were totally okay to take the kids (museum, doctor’s surgery) but that library experience is unbelievable!
I love this term! I too am an AAP — wouldn’t have guessed it before having my baby. That’s one of the best things about parenting — all the surprising things you learn about yourself.
I also love the term accidental attachment parent. I identify with it so much! The other thing I identify with – The ability to lie completely still for three hours, transcending all your biological needs. I’ve been there a few too many times with my newest little one. Is it possible to reabsorb all this pee – that made me LOL.
Serious, those comments are wack and make me sad for humanity. The articles, on the other hand, are nothing short of amazing! Thanks for sharing.
[…] areas of overlap in my opinion. The first is that attachment parenting, at least in theory, is a style of parenting allowing women to perform parenting within their everyday lives. When babies are breastfed, co-sleeping and […]
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[…] (I’ve written a lot about this topic previously here: Oppressed by breastfeeding, The mediocre mother, The split, How did the patriarchy influence parenting and what problems did it cause?, Feminism and attachment parenting and why they’ve more in common than in conflict, Why attachment parenting needs feminism, Can attachment parenting be saved?, and The accidental attachment parent). […]
[…] do so love Tracey Moore’s writing on motherhood in Jezebel. Here’s a link to “How to still have a drink when you have a newborn” and […]
I just read every article and lolled and lolled. Halfway through the first one about pooing during giving birth, my partner asked what I was reading that was so funny. I told him. I got a mildly alarmed raised eyebrow and ‘Riiiiight…’ for a response… He didn’t ask what I was reading about for the next 8 articles after that, ha!
[…] areas of overlap in my opinion. The first is that attachment parenting, at least in theory, is a style of parenting allowingwomen to perform parenting within their everyday lives. When babies are breastfed, co-sleeping and […]