Writer mothers on working mother guilt

Here are two interesting contributions to the topic.

First up, this from author, Tansy Rayner Roberts. (I love this kind of post, where other feminists spell out for you the nitty gritty of their lives and how they make their decisions, it is kind of like when I wrote this):

So lucky to have sociable children, though! I have witnessed the pain and stress of parents who have to fight their kids (and their own overwhelming guilt) to leave them at daycare, and it’s dreadful to see them go through that. I empathise deeply.

As we figured out on our last budget, it’s a bit dicey as to whether we can afford that second day. But one is NOT ENOUGH. Our compromise was that I would try to contribute the equivalent of that one day in my occasional income over the year (the kind that arrives in random cheques, fits and starts). I always knew daycare was worth it, so never really paid attention to quite how much it costs, but we’re talking $3000 over the year for each day. So, um, yes. There’s another level of guilt associated with those days – I always feel the pressure to make them REALLY REALLY PRODUCTIVE.

That is what we call Useful Guilt.

This, by the way, is my own way of looking at the world. Other people can spend their daycare days however they like! Mother guilt is kind of a personal, specific thing. Like body image, it’s amazing how many women can be deeply critical of themselves and yet happily encourage others to not feel bad at all, without even noticing the disconnect.

I couldn’t attend my weekly Pilates class if not for the voluntary service of one of my parents. This is another common thread of modern motherhood – reliance on the next generation up for unpaid daycare and babysitting, in order for our own family to function. The upside of this is that my Mum and Jem get some time together weekly (and it’s an arrangement that doesn’t have to change during the school holidays, which is a major plus – she can just include Raeli in the morning’s plans). There are other direct benefits – Mum is flexible, so I can extend my Pilates class into getting other chores done, parcels posted, PO Box checked, and even having lunch occasionally with my honey. Plus she always does my washing up, and sometimes cleans the floor too. MY MOTHER IS AWESOME.

And then second up, this thoughtful article from writer, Amy Gray in Essential Kids:

Welcome to working mother guilt. The perception and regret that your work somehow impairs your child’s development and your ability to mother. That the best sort of mother is the one who stays at home or wends her every hour around her offspring’s critical development.  And everyone is in on the shame game.

Snappy articles grab snippets from studies, intoning that childcare stresses children, harms their immune system, impairs their learning ability or can cause behavioural problems. Presidential aspirant Rick Santorum claims women who enjoy working have been brainwashed by “radical feminism’s misogynistic campaign”. Beloved children’s author Mem Fox likened long day care for infants as child abuse. Basically: go to work and ruin your child’s life. Stay at home instead, you know you want to.

Just recently Gwyneth Paltrow advised Harper’s Bazaar that “I have little kids in school. I want to maintain my marriage and my family, so I have to be here when he (Martin) comes home.” Gwyneth is able to hold together her marriage and her family simply by being at home. Because apparently that’s the power of an A-list celebrity vagina: it’s karmic duct tape that keeps the universe together. Mine? Can’t even remind me to pay the gas bill. Useless Z-list vagina.

P.S. I apologise for contributing here with this post to the whole ‘working mother’ as a term for ‘paid for work outside the home mother’ thing, which obviously invalidates all the unpaid work that is mothering; we really need a better term that is also title-friendly.