I think this article, “‘Not Rescuing’ Our Kids Shouldn’t Mean Letting Them Flounder” by Catherine Newman in The New York Times is making such an important point. (Thanks to Lara for the link). In spite of my love of all things Montessori and independence, generally, I am still very skeptical of independence as an end goal. Independence, as a goal needs to be combined with compassion or it is nothing.
That is not an unreasonable approach to shepherding your children into the pasture of responsibility, and we’ve certainly practiced various forms of it over the years with our own children. No, you can’t spend our money on Cheez-Its from the school vending machine because you left your peanut-butter rice cake at home.
But if you’re cold on the hike that I begged you to take with me, yes, I will give you my jacket. Not because I’m the depressed and obscene giving tree. But because you’re my darling. Because you’re so lovely to take this walk with me. Because your father, just yesterday, put his sweatshirt around my chilly shoulders at a bar.
I understand why so many of the smartest women I know are proudly carrying the no-rescue flag. Mothers have been the coddlers, historically speaking: the bringers of forgotten things, the tenders of the beleaguered. “I am sick of doing everything for everybody,” we may be saying. “And I don’t want my kids to be hapless dependents.” Fair enough. Except, not to sound like a bad capitalist, independence may not be such a great goal either. Everyone taking good care of themselves, efficiently separated from the needs of others — is that the best possible world we can live in?
Reblogged this on Jdawgswords's Blog and commented:
There has to be a balance between the independence and team player…. Between pride and humble…. Children need to know the Golden Rule…. They need to know the difference between co-dependance and compassion… Raising awesome kids is a really hard job
The biggest insight for me into parenting was a relationship book: Hold Me Tight. Why should we be ashamed of being bonded? Independence of action comes from a securely bonded place. The introduction where she talks about her colleagues focus on skills and explanations is very telling. Kids and adults are not so very different.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2153780.Hold_Me_Tight
I rereblogged this… So many times parents try so hard to raise “good ” kids that they forget to let them be little…. Let them stumble…. Let them teach themselves…. A parent should lead and guide them
I don’t have children but I loved this. My goodness I’m 32 and my parents still rescue me sometimes!
Yes, perfect. Responsibility and independence are great, but not the whole picture. That car trip audiobook story was the perfect illustration of how it plays out, this caring about and for each other.
I moved to Switzerland a year ago (from the UK) and the cultural differences surrounding parenting are profound. There is a deep assumption that kids can and should handle themselves, promoted and reinforced by the schooling system; eg from starting kindergarten (from age 4.5), kids are expected to walk to school without parents. If I sent my kid to school alone in London someone would probably report me to social services! But it starts even earlier than that. Three-year-olds may belong to a “forest playgroup” in which they’ll do things like roast sausages over an open fire. Or saw wood. Yes, handling actual saws, at age 3. With just one adult in charge of the group (of I think 10-20).
All of which are part of breeding responsibility and independence – seen as essential skills before they can start formal learning, from the relatively late age of 6.5. But “no rescue”? I don’t see that catching on here. Community spirit, and helping those who need help, is as cardinal a Swiss virtue as personal responsibility (and equally ingrained in kindergarten activities, eg with older kids taking charge of the littler ones). From this point of view, it’s hard to see what failing to help a kid has to do with teaching independence.
I’m very interested in this notion of independence. Like woolly thinker, I’m living cross-culturally. (We’re an Aussie family in Tanzania.) As good middle-class Tanzanian families do, we’ve sent our little guy to nursery school at age 2 – 2!! We’re not talking ‘daycare’ and play here, we’re talking desks, chalkboards, uniforms and rote learning. The school offered he could get the bus (on his own) but I choose to drop him off. So that all looks very grown up and ‘independent’, but then the kids have little sense of autonomy or choice over their activities – the teachers are worried because our little guy doesn’t ‘fit in’ with the others i.e. sit still doing nothing until a teacher gives him an instruction!
So what ‘independence’ is expresses itself differently – so does compassion. People were horrified that I would let our little guy try to climb a step on his own when he was learning to walk, rather than simply lifting him up every time.
This is really good stuff to think about. I’m constantly trying to find that balance with our own kids, because I do want them to be reasonably independent, but I also want them to know that I’m here for them. I teach them that part of being human is needing other people, because we can’t go it alone, and that part of being human is needing to try to go it alone, sometimes. It’s complicated.
Have you read Barbara Taylor’s recent book the Last Asylum? It is excellent and she makes the point (in relation to people with mental health or addiction issues) that society/the government places so much emphasis on independence but what that actually means for a lot of people who are suffering from these problems is loneliness. And why are we so scared of dependence?