My Feminist Motherhood questions have taken flight and set off for a course of their own, they’ve become a meme. I’m very pleased but I’m not sure how I am going to keep up with them now.
Here are two more. (One of the best things about these questions has been discovering new blogs, and both of these thought-provoking blogs are new to me and they’re terrific finds).
From her mind lives in a quiet room.
What has surprised you most about motherhood? How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?
I think, for a long time, feminist notions for me were bound up in a specific contemporary form which defines feminist ideals along traditionally male roles in society – being career orientated, being independent, being a leader. Being a mother didn’t fit easily into this paradigm, and that has caused me to take another look at what feminism could/should mean for me. I feel that what often passes as equality actually forces women into certain roles either at the expense of motherhood or in addition to motherhood, without any changes being made societally. In other words, women were encouraged to change, with relatively few negotiations being made on the system level. So, although it is now acceptable for a woman to have a career and a family, maternity leave (at least in the US) is almost non-existent, few fathers choose to stay at home or reduce their workload to take part caring for children, and for these reasons women with children are still viewed unfavorably by employers in ways that men with children are not. Studies of academic professionals, at least, show that there is a strong discrepancy between the effect of having children on female and male professionals and that to me signifies a bias that needs to be addressed.
And from Writing Maternity.
What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?
I think that I worry about the effects of popular culture more than the less-feminist parents I know, and try to establish more of a bulwark against them. I’m also aware of providing a feminist model in the ways that I try to balance career/vocation and family — a career that ‘s just as important to our family as G’s. And while dividing parenting is a neverending process, we work hard to share it equally: we’re both engaged with our daughters’ schools, we share cooking and food-shopping, we alternate who puts them to bed, and so on. All of those choices are ones that I think of as feminist. They’re also the only thing that makes sense for who G and I are as people and as a couple.
The feminist motherhood responses being selectively understood here at Oz Conservative. Well, he does say ‘conservative’ so it is not an unexpected analysis.
And thank you everyone for voting for blue milk for the Best Parenting Blog Award in the 2008 Bloggers Choice Awards, for a brief moment feminist motherhood has made it to the front of the pack. OK yes, this is a plug.
Well, if you’re on conservative oz at least you;re not preaching to the converted …
It was the Iain comment that kind of annoyed me, though not really because it’s hackneyed: where are all these leties and feminists who take down a man (or a woman) for looking after their kids.. Seriously, in all my many, many years as a feminist, as a mother, as a person, I’ve never once come across this – am I so scary that people are afraid they’d get a slap around the head if they said that to me? Not denying it might have happened but am getting sick of the idea that then ‘the left’ or ‘feminists’ as a group are involved.
Oh, bluemilk, here I was all ready to relax and read some and go to sleep–and now I see that Oz thing. I’m so glad you linked to it–I would hate to be out there somewhere taken so (condescendingly) out of context and not know. I have to say, that post gave me the creeps–it felt our words were so twisted to serve his needs. Now I’m deciding if a comment over there is worth it or just giving him attention….
In most cases it is probably not worthwhile leaving comments on sites hostile to feminism. I have left a comment because I feel protective of the mothers who have been so honest in responding to my questions. This is what I said.
“Thanks Mark for your interest in the feminist motherhood series. While I disagree with most of your conclusions I think we both found these posts fascinating.
Please remember that the women participating in this are real people who bravely put their thoughts and personal experiences out there for others (particularly other mothers) to read and reflect upon, and that most of them are not academics and aren’t used to seeing their words selectively quoted for the purposes of counter-argument. Their stories should always be treated with respect.
It is also worth remembering that these women are the experts on their own lives, not you or I (we’re seeing a tiny snippet of these complex lives – even tinier when selectively quoted by you – that they’ve been generous enough to share with us) and describing their actions and decisions as “mistakes” is arrogant.
The second last question I posed to feminist mothers was – “Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how?”. I wanted to look at the much cherished right-wing notion that feminists are anti-mothers and see whether there was in fact a burning resentment out there among feminist mothers towards feminism. It is interesting to see that you’ve chosen to quote from one of the very few mothers who perceived feminism as having failed her to some degree as a mother, rather than the many more who didn’t. All their responses are interesting, but why not also quote from the feminist mothers who expressed the opposite view? If you want to use these mothers’ responses to support your theories, acknowledge where they challenge them too.
Finally, a response to your own post’s conclusions – ALL mothers, feminist and non-feminist alike experience a change in “attitude to autonomy” after motherhood, and I’d guess that pretty much ALL involved fathers do too. This is not some great lesson to teach feminists to come to heel, this is a lesson in the sacrifice of parenthood. No-one can really be fully prepared for the exhaustion of parenting, it takes us all by surprise. I would argue that the ones who cope best with this surprise are the ones who are empowered, supported, valued, and able to share the domestic workload fairly.”
Kris – curious wasn’t it? Who are these lefties of which Iain speaks? I couldn’t understand where his views were coming from, much of his sentiment was very feminist – all the stuff about valuing the raising of children and supporting that choice regardless of the parent’s gender.. and then to tie it all in with an anti-left argument.
Totally lost me.
Among enormous masses of other leaps of illogic and selective quoting, he appears to have pigeonholed “feminism”, as though it is a monolithic hivemind, into a neoliberal box valuing autonomy above all else.
This does not accord in any way with the feminisms with which I’m familiar – those which places a very high value on collectivism, connections between women, and (within the subgroup of feminist mothers) a much more thoughtful, compassionate approach to parenting than I’ve ever seen out of antifeminist conservative circles, which have given us the Pearls and BabyWise. The deep, warm, honest feminist-mothers series illustrated this point exquisitely.
But where would the neocons be without their haughty, materialistic strawfeminists?
lauredhel, you are an excellent debater. Clear headed, well-read, fierce, and fearless.
Of course, now that I re-read, I realise that what the neocons are really saying when they accuse feminists of autonomy-lovin’ is that they want to pout and stamp about women no longer being so economically dependent on men – that men no longer have complete control over them, physically, financially, emotionally and sexually.
Yeah, I can see how that would piss some people off.
I answered this – since I seem to be the saddest case of all. I hate this bloody ‘you victim’ crap. no one ever says, hey your ex was a prick to walk out and leave you to it, lucky we have a safety net to protect you while you continue to do your job..I’m the poor thing. shheeesh.
I’ll email you what I wrote.
typos and all. oh well.
Yikes! I’m in there, too. The best part about the whole thing was reading your response, bluemilk. Lovely and nuanced. And level-headed. Thanks. As for the autonomy mantra that seems to be such a buzzing bee in the old man’s bonnet, is that the worst he could come up with? Come on. I admit to being a big, fat autonomous jerk. Yeah, I’m human. But I thought in New Zealand and Australia, conservatives were actually the liberals and vice versa? Now I’m really confused.
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