Angry? Humourless? Disapproving? Well you might just be a feminist mother. Poor Mel Campbell has stepped into a quagmire by wondering aloud if she can still be cool when she becomes a mother, and if there is any hope of coolness were she to be one of those cranky feminist mothers.
I know it is not the done thing for feminist parents to extensively blog their child-rearing techniques (lest we sound preachy and judgemental) but I wish more would because it really can be very thought-provoking to delve into another’s ideas, particularly when that parent is someone as analytical as Lauredhel. (Go read her super response to Mel’s piece over there at Hoyden About Town, and the comments that follow).
Whatever else being a feminist mum involves it will certainly include a spot of loneliness in most parenting circles because you will be the odd one out and the chance to converse with other feminist parents, even if only on-line is a blessed relief. Make friends not stereotypes. Also, as far as a sense of humour goes I’ll put my money on the feminist mother‘s humour any day. (Case in point: “Feminist parenting doesn’t have to involve living in a yurt playing with nothing but recycled hemp Flower Child dolls”).
We get around the licensed character ethical problem (I’m all for letting the kid negotiate the pop culture, I’m not up for paying for it) by letting him choose pretty much anything he likes at op shops and garage sales. If it’s less than $5 and second hand he can have it. Most of the time the stuff he wants challenges my humorless environmentalist side rather than my humorless feminist, but that’s probably because I am the mother of a boy (and he’s only 2.5), and he’s obsessed with frickin’ cars.
The real challenge isn’t (for me) how to stay cool and be a mum, because I’m ok with only being considered cool by other mums, it’s constantly asking myself how to turn whatever it is that’s happening right now into a non-confrontational teachable moment with the kid. Now I really must go, there’s a boy doing a nudey run around the loungeroom (and hanging his towel up to dry without being asked! Bless!).
ohh, look forward to nudey run after bath time! ” here comes the rudey nudey” oops, sorry digress. What, you mean i can have fun!? yup, pretty much avoid all forms of mother groups as im just a hoary old stick in the mud now at 39 with a 1.5 bean. Older teen beans finally get my thinkin’ so , i does pay off! with more of them! hehe.
I was thinking more about this, and I think it’s fair to say that I have no problem being the daggy/feminist/enviromentalist Mum who doesn’t buy the action figures/Disney Princesses/tickets to the Wiggles. My kid (for now) lives largely in a world constructed by his parents, and as such is quite happy gardening and op shopping. My neice and nephew have different parents, and different ideas about what constitutes a good birthday present, and navigating that relationship is much harder. If you’re disinclined to spend your hard earned at Brittle Plastics R US, but the kid you’re giving a present to is familiar only with that stuff, you’re going to be giving him/her something they don’t know what to do with. With my own kid the acquisition of stuff happens in a context of conversations about landfill and breakability, but it’s not really my place to have those conversations with other peoples’ kids on their birthdays. So I am the aunty who buys stuff at Oxfam when the birthday boy wants Transformers and Ninja Turtles. I am also, I hasten to add, the aunty who turns up with the Miniature Robot Colouring Book, which went down a treat.
@innercitygarden: Books are my salvation in the buying presents for other people. Sometimes Lego, as a good investment in plastic, IMO. And I wrap all presents in pre-school paintings. The best idea I ever stole.
I guess I’m pretty lucky, I am constantly surprised by the agreement I find. I mentioned something about balancing up toys in terms of gender to my rather traditional day care carer (she changed her name when she got married and the extended family appears to follow gender roles pretty completely), and her response was utterly positive and she went on to tell me what she does to encourage the boys to play with “girl toys” and vice versa. I got the impression she was relieved that I felt that way. The toys there are mostly free from brand names (there may have been a Wiggles guitar at some point) and are largely second hand. I was asked if I had any old keyboards and the kids play computers on them quite a bit.
The “Green” birthday part we held last year was completely embraced by all the people who came. But I know if I was living where I grew up and not where I am, I would have a much larger freak factor.
1. Your kids will find you toe curlingly embarrassing as they get older no matter what you do. In fact, trying to be all “I’m hep to all these young pplz culture!” will get more eyerolls than not.
2. Re the “loneliness in parenting circles”: If I have to listen to “Gosh, now that i’ve had a boy he is naturally tuned into trucks and camo! And his sister is all into pink princesses. Guess that stuff about innate lady-brains and boy-brains is ALL TRUE, eh!?” I will bite my tongue all the way through and then I won’t be able to talk any more, It’s hanging by a thread as it is.
On number 2 I cannot agree more with you Helen, find the whole bizzo so tiresome and it is in over-drive since having a boy.
You inspired me to write my post – Come play gender stereotypes.
I have reached breaking point, tongue in pieces too.