Image from here.
What if you’re getting married and you don’t want to be a princess for a day, you just want to be your gorgeous feminist self? But don’t get you wrong, you and your partner still want to have a formal ceremony of some kind and give everyone a very sophisticated dinner, a bit like the princesses (and princes) for a day do at their weddings, but not. What then?
I ask this not because we are finally getting married and not because you are, in fact I’m hoping that you’re already married and can tell me a thing or two about your wedding and why it was so damn special.
My sister, whom I adore is getting married (to a man) and they need some ideas about how to have a big elegant wedding without it all turning into the fairytale wedding of frou frou. I found the Indie Bride site for her (and this faaascinating interview and this even more fascinating interview) but what of your own experiences? Been to a successful wedding with a feminist edge or better yet, had one yourself? And if so, what was done differently and what worked particularly well?
A damn good time, that’s what! We had a dinner party for about 45 people with a jazz band (friends) and lots o’drinks and champagne, which was all preceded by us reading sentiments about one another in the park in front of a girlfriend of mine who had been ordained online for that purpose. I wore a champagne-colored dress that made me feel fabulous and the hottest deep red Stuart Weitzmans designed with a pointed toe so severe it looked like it could kill. Dom shoes, really 🙂 Of course, since Huz is a chef a lot of pals in the industry hooked us up with party stuff, so that alleviated much planning and stress. Still, my rule was that if something stressed me out, it was out, period. That went for people, too. We had a blast and were amazed by how things came together. A simple plan turned into a weekend of picnics and parties, prolly cuz we let it flow and realized that no matter what, we were still going to have our little ceremony. The whole thing was simply a celebration of a formal declaration we wanted to make to one another.
Goddess bless!
IMHO, you can’t have a feminist wedding if anyone “gives you away.” My dad gave me away in me wedding, and I feel like chattle. I am still pissed at myself that I didn’t stand up for myself about that BS.
I’ve seen both parents (mom and dad together) walk the bride down the aisle. I thought that was a cool way of saying that the bride wasn’t anyone’s property and both parents were equally as involved in her upbringing. I myself might feel a bit smothered by parental units on both sides of me… if my time ever comes I might just walk down the aisle alone!
At this same wedding the couple was married by a female justice of the peace who did a very funny and personalized service. God was not mentioned, instead the couple had readings form their favorite books, their own poetry, and even an original song performed. I still thought it was the most awesome and unusual wedding I’ve ever been to. I don’t think the couple was trying to send a feminist message, this was just a natural expression of who they are.
I don’t think I had a terribly feminist wedding, really, despite identifying as a feminist. I was more focussed on having a fabulous party, which I think is important too – not to get too caught up in what you “should” be doing. My cousin did some cool things at her wedding – she wore a fabulous red dress, and walked down the aisle with her husband-to-be, preceded by both sets of their parents. Followed by a formal dinner, dancing to a live band, etc. I think live music really makes a wedding – if you don’t feel like dancing then you can enjoy watching the band.
Some of the Bloke’s friends were married about a year ago, in a bar with Spanish food. She’s Hungarian, he’s Anglo, we figured they were looking for a mid-point. The food was lovely, it was the only wedding where I’ve really enjoyed the sit-down wedding situation. I’m a big fan of the cocktail party and not getting stuck with your table, possibly because I’ve often been the single person who gets shunted on a table wherever she fits. The bride wore a red chongsam-style dress, they weren’t given away (although both sets of parents were acknowledged) and the (lesbian) celebrant followed the legally required statement “marriage is between a man and a woman” with “which the bride and groom think is crap”. There was live music (the groom is a composer), I left early to get back to the baby but I’m told my partner and his friends did some lovely liturgical dancing.
Basically I think it was a feminist wedding because they didn’t pretend the bride (or the groom) were ‘pure’, chattels of their parents, or living in the 19th century. They acknowledged who the couple really are, and why they like each other (he doesn’t interrupt her viewing of the 7.30 Report) and what they want to do together.
On the other hand I’ve been to religious ceremonies that talked about imminent parenthood for people who had no intention (and didn’t change their minds) of having babies.
I wore ivory – suits my skin colour much better. I wanted to meet my husband at the door of the church and walk up the aisle together, with my parents and his, but his parents had long since separated, not at all amicably, and his father wasn’t there. So, both my parents walked me up the aisle, I met him at the front of the pews, and we took the few steps to the altar together.
We used vows in which we promised to love, cherish and honour each other.
We all (me, my husband, our friends who were supporting us, my mum, my dad, his mum) all spoke at the reception. The reception was at my parents’ home (lovely big old place with verandahs and extensive gardens) so it was buffet style – no sitting down at a big / head table.
We put a note in the wedding programme saying that I would be keeping my name. My elderly uncles were very upset about that, until my equally elderly aunt rounded on them, told them to be quiet, and to leave me alone to do what I wanted (all overheard by my mother, and reported back to me).
Not overtly feminist, but just ordinary, everyday feminist living.
We had a really fun day and I didn’t feel compromised at all. I think it was for quite a number of reasons, but here are a few:
– I did not buy a ‘wedding dress’, but just found one that I liked and was comfortable (and I wore flat shoes, despite being hassled to wear heels).
– We walked to the ceremony together – no one gave either of us away.
– We wrote our own vows and were in charge of the order of events etc.
– We had the ceremony outside (at the beach) so as not to feel institutionalised.
– Our reception was vegan yum cha – so it was cruelty-free, informal and CHEAP ($18 a head for dinner).
– We had many speeches and I was careful to include several women, including myself, because I had been sickened by a cousin’s wedding where the speeches were all by men.
All that said, I also felt as though it was partly an event for our families as well – because we were using cultural symbols to let them know that they now had a new member of the family. So we did try to be as inclusive as possible. We invited everyone in the family and we made sure that key family members played a role and felt like they were an important part of the event.
This proved to be a really good thing as it has really improved our (already decent) relationships with my parent’s partners. It was also possibly the first time that my mother’s family has been forced to view her (female) partner as a formal member of the family.
[Sorry for babbling on and on]
had a registry office ceremony (wearing orange and black,with lace up black boots), a picnic in the park with friends and spent all the ‘big wedding’ money on a ticket to paris for a honeymoon.( I was living in london at the time.)
it sounds far more romantic than it was. I was in love with someone else at the time.. that bit i don’t recommend.
Not intentionally feminist, but as it ended up…
Husband and I each walked down with both parents, we both wore white, we said the same vows to each other, including the old “With this ring…” Oh, and besides the best man, all the attendants were female.
It was a good wedding. 😀
I don’t know if mine was feminist, but it was definitely non-traditional. We discussed the fact that when men dress up, they wear more clothes, and when women do, they wear less clothes. Women also tend to enjoy it more than men, so we settled on a summer wedding, with the dress code being women frock up, men wear Hawaiian shirts, groom included. I wore red because it suits me. All the ladies wore what they felt good in. At least one woman opted for Hawaiian shirt, which was also cool.
We had a ceremony we wrote, in the Sydney Botanical Gardens with the Bridge behind us, conducted by our friend. The legals had been taken care of without ceremony at a registry office a couple of days before hand. We had a collection of attendants, without clear demarc as to who was who. They all wore Hawaiian shirts or frocks they felt good in as appropriate. No matching taffeta.
We then went to our fav chinese restaurant for an early dinner followed by one of our regular pub haunts for pool, dancing and rugby world cup watching. About 100 people, very small budget.
I had a ball, I am lead to believe most of the guests did too. I had so much fun I love any opportunity to brag, so thanks blue milk! 🙂
I just think a wedding should be about you, and not stuff you would normally have no truck with!
i had one of those lovely flowered hippie backyard things. as a feminist, i decided that what i really wanted to be, was a princess for a day. Ha! i made everyone else to the set-up.
i wore red, he wore white. my dad walked me down a curved lane, his mom walked him down the lane too. our best friend witnessed as justice of the peace. we spoke our own vows to each other, and then a verse we wrote together under a chuppah (in honor of my jewish parents) that was made of a quilt created from fabric donated by our friends from all over the world. i still sleep under it. we drank cranberry juice from the cup that my brother and his wife drank from on their wedding day, and also my parents on theirs. we love cranberry juice, it is both sweet and bitter.
actually, what made it really great was splitting up the ceremony and the party. we had a very small ceremony in the morning and then the two of us went off on a picnic alone for two hours so we could enjoy ourselves without a mess of people. my brother prepared the picnic basket for us. we drove away in our crappy little jetta while everyone else set up for the party.
when we returned to the mass of people who prevented me from taking two steps without getting interrupted, we were both better prepared because we’d already had our relaxed time alone. we also agreed that every thirty minutes, we would find each other and have a little check in.
even though we are now separated, we still both remember our wedding with love. it was a great day.
god that was a cheesy closing line. i need to got to sleep.
My wedding was more low key than feminist precisely. We arrived together and left together from our flat. Of the wedding party, speeches were made by those who felt comfortable doing it (both my parents, his father, him, my “bridesmaid”, but not his mum, me, or his “best man”). I slightly regret not making a speech, but I was paralysingly shy at the time.
One of my friend had a “bride’s mate” (male) and “best ma’am” (female) as their attendants, which I thought was very nice symbolism.
I think the weddings I’ve enjoyed and felt moved by the most (as an audience member and partygoer) are those where the symbolism of the vows are really important, and the bride and groom have had a great party.
Good luck with it!
Gosh what a bunch of inspiring party girls you all are. Thank you for these comments.
I just have to say how much I am enjoying reading these stories. I have yet to see a less-than-traditional wedding. Makes me wish the blog world was the real world.
I cannot give you suggestions into how to better enjoy the day that don’t include near solitude and a Mai Tai. I would have preferred to elope.
But a feminist wedding sounds lovely. My random suggestions?
-Bride and Groom enter at the same time. Do you want to be “given away”? (I think was bought or sold at a Chinese Tea Ceremony. Ridiculous. lol)
-Wear the same color scheme. Why do women have to prove their purity in white? Really weird.
-Vow to try for patience and appreciation. Trying seems more realistic and I couldn’t see using “honor and obey” anymore.
And a tip to enjoy the day more? Do what your guests are doing. Enjoy cocktail hour and mingle. Dance and eat and have someone else run the show, or plan so well it’s on autopilot. Only princesses need build drama behind closed doors. Besides, you miss all the fun that way.
Congratulations!
p.s. Oh yes, screw being given away, we walked together through the park, and eat, eat, eat!
I loathed the idea of being given away, and my dad did too (he’s a good hippy!) I walked myself (thank you very much!) down the aisle, just as my dh to be did. Groomsmen, followed by my dh, then bridesmaids followed by me.
Oh, and I bought my bridesmaids their dresses. I figured that if I wanted them to wear something that I wanted, the least I could do was pay for the bloody things. I’m pleased to report that the bridesmaids dresses were so nice (I’m unashamed to admit that!!) that one bridesmaid wore it several times for subsequent new years eve parties, one got married in hers, and the other was passed down to her neice so she could graduate in it!!!!
I had an open bar. My dh to be and I were engaged for a long time, and we bought bottle after bottle for years to supply our bar. We felt that if everyone was going to make the long journey to our wedding, the least we could do was buy them drinks! We also made all our wine, candles, bouquets, centrepieces, banners (with every family and friend name on them hanging from the rafters-very gothic, and people loved searching for their banner)
We had a jp, and a secular wedding. My bro in law and my gf took the pics. It was a great party.
One of my guest’s parents couldn’t make it, so they sent salmon to feed people (I’m first nations, as are my friends parents) in their stead. My uncle happily got out the barbecue and cooked the sockeye salmon for all the guests. The best man’s parents couldn’t make it either, so they sent prawns, which was happily cooked up quickly too.
I paid homage to our families through the food we cooked, both first nations and spanish. We hired a bagpiper (i love the pipes) because my dad’s side is irish.
bah.. I’m carrying on.
Anywho, congratulations, and remember, do what YOU WANT. It’s you and your to-be’s day. All the best!!!
Rixy
Oh….and btw, I never changed my maiden (ick) name upon marriage. My husband couldn’t fathom changing his to mine, and like wise!!!lol. I was the first in my family (!!!) to not change my name, so everyone keeps calling me mrs. so_and_so. I always correct them.
Rixy
Congrats!! Just buy a beautiful dress which you love, and which you can wear again for other “special occasions”. And have a big party.
Oh, and the giving-away thing? Don’t forget it even exists because you’re so mired in the counter-culture, so that you leave it till the actual day and then his bottom lip wobbles at the thought of not doing it (Oh, all right then….!)
I’m sure this wedding has been-and-gone but I’ve only just discovered this blog and for anyone else who’s reading with interest, here are a few more pieces of advice:
• Don’t go on a diet. Being yourself is the most romantic thing you can do!
• Don’t wear white, even if you look best in white (maybe one day wearing white will be the same as wearing any other colour but that day has not yet arrived. OK, maybe a white pants suit would be acceptable!)
• Write your own vows and make them real (it’s also nice if you can memorise them and say them like you mean it)
• Don’t walk down the aisle unless you’re both doing it, preferably together
• Try to avoid all those “isn’t the bride beautiful” speeches (I guess a sentimental dad could be excused). They’re boring and embarrassing.
• There are often too many speeches at weddings. Remember that you have just taken vows in front off all your guests, they do not need to hear how much you think the other person is sooo wonderful again. It gets boring. That said, it’s always a bit sad when the bride gets talked about by everyone but is the only person whose voice is only heard in the vows…
• Absolutely do not change your name
• Get someone who knows what they’re doing to take the photos. I didn’t and I do regret it.
• Just have fun and don’t take it all too seriously!
We’re getting married next year and despite it being a large-ish guest list (giant family), we’re both keen for it not to be a Cosmo Bride wedding (though a part of me would love to send in the photos as a big f-off to the whole bridal industry, considering we’re doing it on the mega-cheap/non-traditional!).
The ceremony will be in the Pioneer Women’s Memorial Garden, which we both liked as a feminist statement, and a civil ceremony with an awesome celebrant (who will likewise say the “required by law blah blah man and woman” bit is total hokum) and then a big daytime knees-up at Trades Hall (I’ve requested that all the union/anti-Howard flags are staying put!) with food supplied by friends.
Funnily enough I set out not to wear white/a veil and ended up buying both, but mainly because they were the awesomest outfit and my feminist values aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive to wanting to dress up on the day. I think the bloke is wearing white, too, or at least ivory (he’s being secretive). The veil, however, is attached at the back of the head and is really only there for dress-up value – no “revealing of the gift horse” lifting up of the face veil, thanks!
I’m not sure how to broach the topic of “no giving the bride away” to Dad, though, hmm. Any tips? Shall I say he can make a speech instead?
My sister’s wedding is early 2009 so all these comments are very useful. Thanks.
The most important thing is for your sis and her future husband to sit down and figure out what is important to them and how to make this day FUN and special.
Me and the old man got married on a mountaintop in a cabin by a hillbilly preacher (that’s what his business cards say) surrounded by a handful of friends, because that was us. No one gave anyone away, my Dh wore white but I did not, we ate cake, drank champagne and had a good ol’ time.
Late in the game, but for posterity’s sake, I’ll add my thoughts.
We set out to have a wedding that reflected US. We tried very consciously not to throw out a tradition just because it was a tradition. With that said…
– We paid for it ourselves. This eliminated the accountability to outside influencers.
– After the initial flurry of magazine purchases, I threw them all away, as I realized the “princess” model wasn’t for me. I wasn’t being rescued, and while this was an important day in our life, it wasn’t THE most defining thing that would ever happen to us.
– I wore a red dress with knee high lace up black boots, he wore a suit he owned with red Converse.
– We had attendants whom we chose because they were people we wanted to have the support of when we exchanged our vows. Not because we expected them to throw us parties.
– We did not have bachelor / bachelorette parties.
– We planned the wedding together. We both attended all meetings with vendors (location, caterer, photographer, etc.).
– Anytime we were confronted with, “The bride ordinarily…” one of us would interrupt with, “This is our wedding, and WE want…”
– We each walked down the aisle by ourselves, he was led by the flower girls and I followed immediately behind.
– We wrote our own vows and very intentionally tailored them in the support and respect vein.
– We were pronounced “wife and husband” instead of “husband and wife.” And certainly not “man and wife.”
– I did not change my last name.
I also relied heavily on http://offbeatbride.com/ to remind me that doing things unconventionally was okay. It also has some pretty helpful ideas about how to address some of the stickier points of a non-trad wedding.
[…] She looked exceptionally beautiful and I was a little emotional thinking about my sister getting married, particularly as Lauca has more than a passing resemblance to my sister’s ’small […]
This is a late comment too, but one thing that was important to us was that we took each other as partners, not husband/wife or man/wife.
I wore a red dress that I designed, and a friend made.
Hubby wore a grey suit.
We used my late grandparents wedding rings (plain gold bands of the same thickness, none of this men’s style and women’s style).
We actually eloped in AZ in a secular ceremony and had a second ceremony in Canada later, since our two churches would not agree to the wedding that we wanted, and his side dind’t like my religions and my side din’t like his religion, and we just decided to go cold turkey on organized religion for a while, but that’s a diffrent story alltogether.
We wrote our own vows.
I came in with a friend of mine, not with my parents.
I took my mother’s maiden name in 2001, and kept it when we got married in 2007, and had the ceremony in 2008.
I go by Ms.
We had the ceremony right in the dining room of our favourite Danish restaurant.
Our wedding cake was a traditional Danish Marzipan cake, and our colours were red, white and blue (red and white in my Canadian and Danish flags, and red, white and blue in his American and Russian flags).
My flowers were red and white to match my flags and my dress.
[…] also gave a speech at their reception. My sister had wanted an acknowledgement of the wrongness of excluding same-sex couples from the inst… so I incorporated that theme into my speech about the significance of marriage (an ambitious topic […]
What is a definition of a feminist, if she is getting married having children, relying on husbands support.
Then goes and buys a beach house, which husband has paid for.
So what is excatly ‘Feminest’ thing?
SM – what a great question, and I have one for you too. Who is this (straw) feminist you speak of and can I use her beach house?
Is it a strawbale beachhouse? Cause I like my straw feminist beachhouses to be sustainably built.
If we can all hang out at the straw feminist strawbale beach house I’ll bring a salad.
Fabulous
Cool, there is actually some great ideas on here some of my subscribers may find this relevant, I will send them a link, many thanks.
For some reason i’m not able to post comments on any of your older posts
Hi I am Veronica and I would like to say that I got married in a traditional wedding ceremony with all my family present, wearing the long white gown with lace and the veil and crown and all and I loved it. Whose to say that being a feminist should be against having a traditional wedding ceremony and reception. After all we are women and proud of it. We don’t have to pretend we are something else. That’s just my opinion and I am sticking to it.
Hi, I know the high point of activity on this post is over, but if you’re still reading, I’d love to collect advice on how to manage a feminist “giving away” at my wedding.
As a feminist I’d always thought I’d absolutely refuse to be given away, and that my father could have his moment in the limelight giving a speech instead. But, my father, who I’d always thought would understand, just preempted me by quietly mentioning that it was really important to him to play a role in the ritual, and he would be really proud to walk me up the aisle etc…
If I can’t reconcile this with my idea of gender neutral, equal marriage, I’ll just have to stand up to him, but I do understand his wish to be involved. And I love him and my mother very much. One option is to have my fiancé walk up the aisle in front of me with his mother, so that neither male nor female is more “childish” than the other. But there’s still something unhealthily Freudian about gender-opposite parents doing processional giving away. My fiance’s Dad is no longer alive, and it would feel a bit odd for me to be flanked by both parents. Maybe we could just have all three parents standing at the front of the church when we arrive, and shake hands with us when we get there, like equals?
Have any of you successfully dealt with this problem? What do you think?
Maybe we could just have all three parents standing at the front of the church when we arrive, and shake hands with us when we get there, like equals?
I’m recently engaged – not married – myself, so I haven’t actually dealt with this situation, but I like this. It’s a way to involve your parents in the ritual without the weirdness of the “giving away” ritual.
My partner and I have only just started planning our wedding (probably for around October this year), but here are some of the ideas we’ve been throwing around:
– My “Maid of Honour” will be a “Bridesman”, my best friend who happens to be a guy.
– Looking for a venue that doesn’t normally host weddings, to help us avoid the WIC.
– Non-traditional wedding registry, since we probably won’t have a permanent city of residence for the next few years.
– Subtle humour incorporated through ceremony and reception. Our relationship has been fun and kind of humorous, so we’d like the cementing of it to be the same way.
– No giving away.
– Probably no aisles.
– Definitely no name changes.
– Will almost certainly buy dress – white or otherwise – at department store or similar, rather than bridal store. And while I have nothing against heels, I’ll probably wear my standard gold ballet flats, because I don’t like having sore feet.
– Definitely writing vows ourselves.
– My partner works in development, so is keen on using fair trade products wherever possible (eg, rings).
I also really like the idea of having the celebrant poo-poo the whole “marriage is between a man and a woman” business, and am keen on the idea of entering at the same time.
I don’t know how much of this is specifically “feminist” (even though I strongly identify as such), but it is important to us to think critically about wedding traditions and expectations, around gender and around conspicuous consumption.
The celebrant may have to say that marriage is between a man and a woman so that your ceremony is legal, but there is nothing to stop them saying that they have to say it because it is written in the law etc etc. Something to check anyway.
My husband and I each walked down the aisle accompanied by both our parents. That way everyone was included and everyone was equal, and it was a nice reflection of our relationships with our families, and that we came together from two families to make something new of our own.
I can see though that this wouldn’t be such a great solution if you don’t get along with one parent, if MIL would be upset at the imbalance of two parents vs one, etc.
I guess there’s a few possibilities, assuming the walking in really is something you and your Dad want to do:
1. all five of you walk in together in some arrangement, perhaps parents between you.
2. have you and your fiance walk up the aisle, him with his mother and you with both parents. I don’t think that’s necessarily strange. Perhaps he and/or his mother could carry or wear something in memory of his late father?
This sort of seems to be standard Miss Manners fare in a way: you can’t erase the unfairness that your fiancé and his mother have lost someone important in a way that you (I presume) haven’t yet. And you can’t hide it really, because even if you cut one living parent out of your procession… there is still someone who isn’t there at all. It’s just the way things are. All you can do is honour the sadness of it, rather than try and arrange things so that your family looks the same as his.
I think Miss Manners is really worth reading on weddings, by the way, although definitely expect to disagree with her on some things (at least dress and invitation style, most likely). She is constantly noting that many couples try and shoe-horn their weddings into a script of man-women both on their first marriage, no kids, precisely two parents each and so on, and that couples could save themselves a lot of bother and heartache by setting out to honour their family/kin/intimate relationships as they really are.
I really didn’t like the symbolism of the ‘giving away’, but my Dad was so distressed at the idea of not walking me down the aisle, that I had to give in. A wedding ISN’T just about the couple involved, it is also about family, and friends, and honouring the whole group around the couple. So compromises should sometimes be made (although not if they completely go against your values, obviously).
So what we did was have MrLaurie’s parents walk in together (MrLaurie was already up the front, with his sister as ‘Best Woman’), and then my brother walk in with my Mum (particuarly helpful as she was unwell at the time, resulting in balance issues, and probably needed a friendly arm to grab!), so that Dad walking me in was just more ‘family walking’.
We didn’t have any words around ‘giving away’, Dad just gave me a kiss at the end of the aisle, and sat down in his seat. We then had a little part in the ceremony where both sets of parents were asked to stand up and and state their endorsement of the marriage, which although kind of patriarchal, was important to us – both families accepting a new member formally.
Not sure if any of that helps!! 🙂
Wow, thank you all for some great suggestions. I love MsLaurie’s suggestion of :
“a little part in the ceremony where both sets of parents were asked to stand up and and state their endorsement of the marriage, which although kind of patriarchal, was important to us – both families accepting a new member formally”
I think it’s important to recognize that a wedding is a communal event as well as private moment – my family are really keen that my boyfriend is finally an official member of their family, (and vice versa, I think). So parents have to be involved – and I agree, it’s not merely an extension of patriarchy.
I am a practicing Christian (liberal Episcopalian – not incompatible with feminism in my book, although I respect that some of you might disagree). So there will definitely be a Church aisle. I’m going to ask my nice, gay, pro-women priest if he has any ideas on how the wedding party can use the aisle in a non-Freudian princess fashion. We’re getting married in the UK, though, and the impression I get is that American weddings (also/esp. Jewish weddings?) are light years ahead of us in this respect. Having the groom also progress up the aisle with both parents seems a lot more normal there. I’m sure we’ll come up with something!
Love love love this post!
Some of the different things we are doing:
– We are having a commitment ceremony up here in Canada (the word ‘marriage’ has never been for me even though I shall be committing to a fella and there isn’t much fuss about gay marriages – i.e. it’s legal).
-We are having our ceremony and reception at a picnic shelter in the valley of my hometown, and will be having a short ceremony performed by my partner and I’s closest mutual friend. She is beyond excited to have been asked and it has been so much fun working with her to develop a ceremony that is unique and representative of us as couple.
-I am wearing a multicoloured dress I found in a thrift store and some purple flip flops! I am not doing the ‘wedding diet’, am planning on doing my own hair and I don’t wear makeup. My ladies who are standing with me are free to do whatever they want for hair/makeup and have been given only the basic guidance of “wear one of the following colours: green, blue, purple or pink!
I would love for some ideas on how to include both sets of parents in the ceremony, as well as my birth mother who has been a huge part of my life (she gave me up for open adoption at birth, but I have known her my entire life). The fella and I are planning on walking towards each other and meeting on a small elevation in front of our guests, so we could have them with us, but I wouldn’t know what to do with my birth mum then.
I am also concerned about my fella’s mum, who is not keen on the whole outdoor wedding/lack of a marriage certificate/anything about the wedding (she is very Catholic): she is insisting on having a speech at our reception. She did this at her daughter’s wedding last year and wound up going on for about 20 minutes, bursting into tears and uttering the words “it would have been nice to see you blessed in the presence of God, but this is nice too”, and “my daughter will really have to improve her cleaning skills now!” (not even kidding! it didn’t even seem like she was trying to make a joke!). In trying to avoid this scenario, we have contemplated not having any speeches – but this would not only offend her, but perhaps others as well. I really don’t know what to do….
Thanks for the opportunity to talk about my wedding as my husband and I are really proud of the fun party that it was and the warm atmosphere of love and celebration we created.
Our wedding was kind of accidentally feminist; it was just a natural expression of who we are as a couple.
He is agnostic and I am a Christian, but we are both thespians and musicians, so we had the ceremony in our town’s beautiful old opera theater, complete with fantastic murals of galaxies, comets and other outer space stuff (we’re big space geeks too). Plus, my husband is a lighting designer, so the theater offered him an opportunity to flex is creative muscles.
We both contributed equally to the planning, partly because we love working together and partly to save the other from the insanity of wedding planning. Outsiders always assumed I’d be the one in charge of all the planning. It was pretty funny when vendors deferred to me and I had to say, “I dunno…ask him.”
We both wore engagement rings…this was unintentional. When we purchased his ring that we designed, he didn’t want to take it off. Unlike me, he’s always wanted to marry and was just so proud and happy to be marrying me. I think I would have dreamed of getting married too, if I knew I would be marrying him (sappy but true).
Dad and I are very close and both don’t like the “who gives this woman” bit, so he walked me down the aisle, hugged me, and sat down with mom. This was both beautiful and avoided ruffling mom’s feathers. She’s very traditional so we had to kind of tiptoe around her. She was upset enough that I chose a champagne/ivory dress rather than snow white. She’s funny. She’ll say to dad, “you’re supposed to be the head of this household!” and dad will say, “yes, dear.” This makes her sigh and roll her eyes at him. My folks should seriously have their own TV show.
The rest of the night was swing dancing, wine, beer, and Italian food. I think the best way to have a feminist wedding, or really any wedding, is to plan a party that is authentic to you as a couple. Then have one of the most fun days you’ll ever have!
Hi! I know this is way late to resurrect this conversation but I just stumbled upon it and it is extremely pertinent to my current wedding planning predicaments.
I really like the idea of both sets of parents walking both the bride and groom but what happens when they reach the alter? A hug and then sit? The other logistical issue is that our ceremony venue has an extremely narrow aisle (which is why I originally wanted an outdoor venue in order to avoid such structural restrictions)…Or could I walk down the aisle alone or with groom? I like the idea of my parents walking together, not sure if they’d be too keen on the idea.
In jewish weddings both bride and groom are escorted to the chuppah by their parents, who then stand off to both sides. A hug, kiss or hand squeeze is nice. It has a really supportive feel about it.