If you knew you were destined to have a challenging child and a straight-forward child who would you choose to have first? The straight forward child – figuring it would be better to get some experience first before handling the challenging one? Or the challenging one – thinking it would be better not to get too smug before you handled some difficulties?
You don’t get a choice, of course, but that doesn’t stop me from regularly contemplating the question. We got the spirited child first. Now that we have a straight-forward child, too, we are so damned chilled about him that we are probably creating a little monster. Everything is so much more manageable with Cormac. Don’t get me wrong – tantrums, whining, destructiveness – it is all quite testing but his ventures are more predictable. And one can’t underestimate how much less tiring predictable behaviour is for parents to deal with than what-the-hell-is-going-on-now behaviour.
With Lauca for our first child, difficulty drove innovation. I would not have read half the parenting books nor explored as many learning activities if I had not had Lauca. To be honest, I might have been quite a parenting slacker if both our children had been as straight-forward as Cormac. (Probably wouldn’t have discovered and begun worshipping at the Cult of Montessori, for example).
You think you will be thoroughly vindicated when you have a second child and they are an easy-going one. See, we didn’t create the screaming for no reason thing in the first one, she just came that way. But actually, everyone will just assume that you finally got your shit together with that second one. “You were clearly more anxious with your first child, I am sure it made her highly strung,” they will tell you. “Yes,” you will say, “I get a little anxious when someone screams in my face all day, but I didn’t start that way”.
blue milk 
Got told that yesterday too!
(She writes as second child enters his fourth hour of nap…)
Ours went the other way first. Easy-going, cheerful, slept and ate well . . . she made parenting seem like a piece of cake. We bought ourselves some “world’s best parent” mugs, nodded smugly to each other, and disdainfully looked at all the foolish parents around us. And since I’m a school psychologist and he’s a doctor, we were like, “Yeah, this is what two advanced degrees and a whole lot of awesome gets you.”
Then, the boy was born. And he didn’t stop crying for 18 months. A path was worn to from our home to the pediatrician’s. Several times he stayed awake for over 17 hours straight. Acid reflux, mild/moderate sensory issues, blah, blah, blah.
It all worked itself out, and now he’s perfect and beautiful. But . . . we stopped at two kids. And I just wrote a blog post about how if you are not yet a parent, NEVER say the following words aloud, “When I have kids, they will never ________”. Cause they will come back to bite you in the ass.
Karma. We SO deserved it, too.
I think about this a lot, as a mom of one very challenging little boy. My biggest fear with potentially having a second child is having a repeat experience, honestly. Obviously I love him to death, but it’s been tough on my marriage and tough on my physical and mental health. I don’t think I could do it again. If only I could guarantee that the next one would be the straight-forward one…then maybe we’d be talking about having a second child more!
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I quite like having the easy (not preternaturally easy, but, you know, relatively easy) one first. For starters, I strongly suspect that a difficult first baby would result in the not-me parent putting their foot down about not having another. Hell, I might have put my foot down. And at the moment I am liking the thought of having more than one.
I guess the major problem it’s easy to foresee with a more intense second child is that we may plan to spend the first 12 months accomplishing babycare and something else.
I am in the same boat as you! First was so difficult, the pediatrician said she had a temper at our 1 week visit. I guess it was that obvious!?! Great post.
Tara I can relate. My first had awful reflux. It was such a challenge!
I got the easy one first.
My second the paediatrician commented was ‘of a difficult disposition’ at his 6 week check.
The third is easy again.
And we still get heaps of comments about how we are more relaxed this time around, and it shows in the baby etc. But we were tense with no clue for number one, and she slept through from 6 weeks old….
I do wonder – if we had had our more difficult baby first, if we would have had any more.
Hey there! Great topic.
We have the reverse experience. Nora does things Ben wouldn’t even consider, even now.
I’m grateful for the order of things though, as the literal experience of the first made the second easier. I worried about the sleep issues, as if it were the only thing that could vex. Having an easier sleeper was such a gift, i could handle the running with knives. Okay, butter knives, but that’s probably more than enough for a baby woman not yet two.
Just because they start off one way doesn’t mean they stay that way, I’ve learned.
We had the difficult child (daughter) first. Required 100% of attention all. the. time. No sleeping. Not ever really satisfied or happy.
Then we had the boy. Slept well, an angel, charming, smiling, cooperative… until he went to school.
School made an organized little angel out of our determined little girl. Perhaps a little too organized, but pleasant and helpful, if somewhat quieter than I would have liked.
Our little man, on the other hand, turned into an evil monster who constantly brought home notes for bad behaviour, would not. sit. still, defied everyone and everything when he wanted. Randomly. But was still sweet about putting himself to bed. I wonder what happened to the charming little cooperative helper I used to have, and what did I do or not do to make him change?
Likewise, by what magic did my willful, strongheaded daughter turn into such a mature, confident and helpful little woman?
(They are only 8 and 11.)
A scary thought when trying for a second child – what if my first (spirited, intense, sleepless) child IS the easy one?
I’m absolutely happy that I got the resistant to nurse, resistant to sleep child first. It is what made me find lactivism and attachment parenting and has been instrumental in how I parent and view parenting.
Not that I’m biased or anything, but I think my mum would say she had the easier baby – me – first (my brother was the all-night crier).
I guess this will come back to bite me, but I guess I would go for the challenging kid first. I figure I would be out of my mind with sleep deprivation anyway, may as well set the bar extra high…
My first was pretty good. Slept okay (though still needed Tresilian’s help to get her to sleep through), doesn’t have many tantrums (though she swore for the first time this week).
As she was such a wonderful surprise, I wonder if somehow it was as if to say “See? You can handle it!” And I did and I love it, but still worry about whether a second would be hellish in comparison. Managing a difficult baby AND a toddler. Hmm..
If only it were choose your own…
I most definitely had the “spirited” child second. Not saying that the first was easy, but def easier. I had a very difficult first year with the two of them, and it’s certainly put me off having any more children. I think it’s probably hard both ways round. But at least you have two hands if they come first!
M2M
I’ve totally been thinking about this lately. And you know, bluemilk, it’s mainly because I’ve followed your blog for so long that I knew this first baby of mine was easy. While my husband has been reeling from the shock of new parenthood, I keep telling him, you have no idea! It could be so much worse! He bemoans the crying and lack of sleep while I profess how grateful I am for this calm, happy little boy who slept 9 hours straight last night and just turned 3 months old. Indeed, he often reminds me of how you’ve described Cormac. I’m convinced this means our next one will be “spirited” and kind of dreading it. I totally would have chosen to get the difficult one out of the way first if I could, being a delayed-gratification kind of woman. On the other hand, a friend of mine has a “high needs” baby (as Dr. Sears refers to them) and it has caused her to change her mind about having a second one.