Lauca and her mother sucka t-shirt.
I breastfed Lauca until a couple of months shy of her second birthday. It was my choice to wean, she’s three and she’d probably be quite happy to still be going now. When she was a year old I returned to work on a part-time basis and that year when I came running home in the evenings, breasts full, she would see me and desperately sign* “breastfeed” to me and sometimes other people knowing what it was she was doing didn’t like it, didn’t want to think about this toddler breastfeeding, but for me it was the cutest damn thing I saw all day.
I feel a little sad reading this from a feminist (Sybil Vane on Bitch Phd), but I guess exposing our stereotypes is the first step to changing them and I’m not without my own hang-ups, it is just that extended breast-feeding (ie. more than one year) isn’t one of them.
I have my own myriad and shameful racist and sexist impulses, but there is one in particular I have been reflecting on today: I am biased against women who breastfeed longer than a year-ish. Not because I think it is in some way “inappropriate” or “icky” or whatever dumb shit people say, but because I am apt to conclude that the woman in question is more self-sacrificing (of her time, her body, her patience) in the name of motherhood than I think is warranted. This is obviously really shitty of me.
Especially as I would never dream of judging any paternal behavior in a similar way. (…) I don’t have a bad feeling about SAHMommying, but for whatever sexist reason I tend to internally condescend to the extended breastfeeding.
I wish I didn’t do this because I wish I weren’t so sexist, but also because –
2) I am flying alone with the toddler for the first time this week and I wish to god I were still nursing her. I don’t care what kind of looks we might get if I had a surefire way to keep her happy. I am really super wimpy about planes.
I have certainly struck a kind of strong leaning towards guilt in my attachment parenting circles, but I don’t think, as some comments on that post suggest, that they have any kind of patent on the parenting superiority vibe, every type of parenting methodology has a bit of that going on. I confess to raising some very similar questions to Sybil Vane’s in this post of mine on so-called ‘extreme breastfeeding’ here. Basically, there is a lot of cultural fucked-up-ness going on with our reactions to breastfeeding.
(Don’t be afraid to check that post of Sybil’s out, not only is she a sensitive writer, but Bitch PhD is a feminist site so you’ll be happy to know that plenty of women are a-commenting with lots of support for extended breastfeeding mothers, and any trolls are under control).
* We taught Lauca baby sign language, wanky white parent thing for sure, but can’t recommend it enough.
I read that yesterday and it did make me catch my breath. I’m still nursing a toddler, who turns 2 today, and while I’m used to the comments from some it surprises me the most when coming from a feminist site. Especially Bitch Ph.D.
But we’ve all got hang-ups on things, and admitting them is the first step to moving past them.
Oh, and I taught both of mine sign language too. LOL
I have only read your post, but really I would have to say I believe it is like they always say- to each his own… I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter who breastfed until she was 4. As I told everyone, I am doing the self wean thing. It was between her and I and when she was ready was fine with me. Luckily I was a stay at home mother, so this was easier. Little by little she did it less and less, then one day just told me she didn’t need to anymore. She does still sleep with me, and will do this for a while longer also, I am sure. Like I said, everyone does what they feel is right for them, but I do admire you saying what you feel! I think the sign language thing is great. We used to do it a little, but fell off- maybe you have inspired me to start again… Thank you
Thanks for linking to your older posts about breastfeeding. They are so interesting and full of emotion.
[…] Minister Gordon Brown’s grilling by senior MPs on the Commons liaison committee. (160 clicks) Breastfeeding, if you haven’t offended someone you’re not doing it rightLauca and her mother suc… A Black Sheep Was BornAnd so, one night, I tried to explain my Evil Best Declan to Ryan, the new […]
When I was a new parent I identified most with attachment parenting. However recently at a dancing class with Una I was asked if I wanted to join an AP playgroup. I smiled and nodded and dutifully noted the time. Fridays have come and gone and I’ve realised I’m not joining, mostly because of the guilt factor. I just thought, ‘sheesh, who needs that kind of guilt?’ For them an AP playgroup is probably a lovely place to share parenting tasks and techniques and support each other, for me it’s a hothouse of what I’m doing wrong. I’m just not that gentle and softly spoken.
Actually, I might be admitting that, a bit like Sibyl Vane (I want her name) I have this judgmental side to me with APers – to me it always sounds like their not using their whole voice, that they’re withholding a part of themselves. I envy their gentleness, but I always assume it comes at a cost of self. Which isn’t very open-minded of me.
Oh yeah, and now on topic – I breastfed no 1 till she was nearly two – she self-weaned when i got pregnant with no 2 which I thought was a neat trick. No 2 self-weaned at 14 months and I felt the strangest blend of emotion – pleasure to have my body back, loss and sadness, admiration that she knew herself so well, happiness that she made her own decision. I still wish I could feed her sometimes, I miss that bubble of connectedness that breastfeeding brings.
First of all, I wish I had that t-shirt for Avi. It would go well with my “Boobies Feed the World” Tee.
Second, I think we’ve all got these biases but we’re just not willing to admit it. Just because you’re a feminist, or subscribe to a “type” of parenting doesn’t mean you’re okay with all the facets, for whatever reason. What’s important, is we don’t shoot people down because of them. That’s the real difference. We all think bad shit. It’s acting on it that fucks up the world.
I’ve been thinking about Sybil Vane’s post, and the various comments on it, quite a bit in the past few days.
I intended to breastfeed for 12 months. When 12 months came around it was quite obvious that he wasn’t ready and I saw no reason to force it. Now at 17 months the kid shows no sign of losing interest any time soon, for all sorts of reasons I limit his feeding to once a day, unless he’s sick. I never made a decision to be an extended breastfeeder really. But little by little I became one, as my mother’s group friends weaned at 10 or 11 months, I was no longer “breastfeeding” I became a woman who was “still breastfeeding”. In fact, I said “I’m still breastfeeding” at the chemist just the other day. When he was a newborn I breastfed wherever I needed to and I never felt self-conscious about it. Now I tend not to mention it outside the family. I’d still breastfeed in public if I was out and about at that time of day, but it rarely happens. It’s a sort of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situation. I’m a semi-closeted breastfeeder
There’s a big long list of reasons to keep breastfeeding. There are also perfectly good reasons to stop. I’m sure eventually the balance will tip.
It occurred to me yesterday that really, the major reason for “still breastfeeding” is that on a rough day with a toddler, when it feels like everything is Wrong and Hopeless it’s nice to have one thing I know he will agree is Right and Good.
I remained an almost completely closeted b’feeder till my son was five. It was nothing to do with a label like AP and I went back to work when he was one, so it wasn’t that I was available to him at all times. It was simply a part of my mothering relationship to him and something that he continued to derive clear emotional/nurturant/health benefits from. I had never imagined it would happen and even now I find it hard to be open with people about it, because there is so much scorn for extended b’feeding in our culture – yet I know it was an incredibly positive thing to do.
In Australia just now, there is apparently only one length of time to breastfeed – 12 months, give or take 2 months. I hate breastfeeding, so I just can’t conceive of it for years, but clearly my experience is non-standard. Just let me assure you that the ever present “they” have as much disdain for ceasing breastfeeding before 12 months as much as they do for overshooting the mark. With a 7 month old it is constantly assumed I am still breastfeeding at least 3 times a day. I am currently weaning, and if it wasn’t for her clear attachment to the morning feed, it’d be all over red rover right now. I know there isn’t much to be gained by continuing something that causes me grief (and so seriously lacks the “bubble of connectedness”) – it just makes me feel guilty that I so desperately want to stop. I still can’t help feeling I am doing something wrong.
So I suspect I am guilty of bias against people on the other side of the target zone, it is just so incomprehensible to me that it could be a positive thing for the mother. I know that my experience isn’t anyone else’s, but it’s hard to imagine something so different. So I try to keep my opinions to myself, because I know they aren’t justifiable. I suspect that because we all feel so besieged we regularly take anyone just doing something different as an attack.
Arrrrrggg. Full stop bracket. Not .) Sheesh. What an inappropriate place to put a smilie! 🙂
The “theys” vary, a lot. I was first told about how perverted it was breastfeeding an “older” baby at nine months. (I was exclusively expressing, unfortunately, but, having been asked about it, expressed my hope for him to learn to breastfeed directly.)
A huge number of people say that it’s “wrong” as soon as the baby can “ask for it”. Given that babies “ask for it” from birth, and that some can ask for it linguistically from 6-7 months, that’s a fair way short of the 12 month mark.
The one common factor is that people want their noses all up in everyone else’s business, invited or not.
Ariane, one of my playgroup mates, who never had any trouble breastfeeding (her son was a champion attacher and only fed briefly every four hours most of the time) hated breastfeeding. It isn’t that wierd. She kept doing it for 9 or 10 months, until it was clear he could tolerate cow’s milk and was thriving and was quite happy with a bottle and a dummy.
I think 7 months is a long time to do something you hate. My own feelings are more mixed. I have hated it, and looked forward to it, and mostly felt nothing in particular. Much the way I feel about my own meals really, some are great, some are awful, most are ho hum and get you through the day. I assume a lot of our Breastfeeding Happens For Twelve Months culture comes from our maternity leave standard. Because you can’t possibly breastfeed and go back to paid work! I breastfed when we were together and he had formula when I was working, I couldn’t get expressing to work well, and I ended up hating it the way you hate breastfeeding.
“A huge number of people say that it’s “wrong” as soon as the baby can “ask for it”.”
Yes, my MIL said that to me just the other day!
[…] Minister Gordon Brown’s grilling by senior MPs on the Commons liaison committee. (163 clicks) Breastfeeding, if you haven’t offended someone you’re not doing it rightLauca and her mother suc… Are animals and kids more fifth-dimensional?In blog entries like “Being More Fifth-Dimensional” and […]
Cristy my mother outlaw says it too. But in the next breath she’ll tell me (again) about how she couldn’t breastfeed. 35 years on she is still grieving this (she had surgery on her breasts, and they didn’t tell her it would make breastfeeding impossible) but somehow I’m meant to hurry up and wean. I tune out.
Bluemilk, now that you’ve given up on mother guilt, could you run classes? My partner’s family and I would like to send the mother outlaw along.
The “theys” seem pretty determined to make us feel damned if we do and damned if we don’t. I know mothers who never wanted to breastfeed, or couldn’t, and the “theys” of the world have made them feel like crappy, neglectful, selfish moms.. And I know moms who’ve breastfed until the child was two and the “theys” of the world have made them feel like crappy, perverted, selfish moms. Maybe if we all withheld our two cents (of the judgement variety) when it came to other folks’ children and parental choices, we would alleviate a whole bunch of unnecessary guilt. Parent karma is a bitch.
I support them! I was so offended at a Baseball game last week. This women just whipped them out with no cover. She had a tank top on. Her boobs were out. She was right next to the bullpen and the players were looking up at the crowd and mortified. She was in the front of the section so off the radar screen of the ushers. This was so wrong. This was right after the usher told me to pull my shorts down, they were apparently too short. He also yelled at this guy for having his jersey unbuttoned. So when i was yelled out my boyfriend pointed out the boobs and the usher kicked her out. If my shorts have to been down my knees and this guy can’t show chest because he was sweating then why can this women have her boobs out. She got so pissed when my boyfriend had her ejected. I think it’s rude and also makes others uncomfortable. She was in front of us and said something about how the beer smells and her child doesn’t like that. We said tough. I understand that she paid for a ticket bla bla but we did too. Sports are heavily dominated by men and they find it awkward.
Tara, here’s the thing. Men won’t die from feeling awkward, they may carry on sometimes like it is a life-threatening situation for them, but actually it is ok for them to feel a little awkward, and for you also. This is in marked contrast to feeding a baby, which is an actual life-sustaining activity for the baby. If you’re uncomfortable seeing a breast being used to feed a baby it is because *you* have sexualised the breast, not because what the woman and baby are doing is in any way innappropriate. Feeling a little awkward may be a good way to start overcoming your own hang-ups about breasts.
Because you felt annoyed (embarrassed even?) about clothing restrictions being enforced too strictly on you at a ball game you and your boyfriend picked on some woman and her baby, and you two think she is the rude one?!
I love this post – great!!! I am still BFeeding my girl, she is two and a half and the older one only stopped because I became pregnant when she was the same age.
Younger one now thumps my chest when she wants ‘bit’ I don’t mind, I love it, I have fed everywhere in public and the looks I get now she is so big really entertains me. Thing is though, she sleeps in our bed, so milk is a natural thing to have when she lies so close to me all night.
Where oh where can I get that t-shirt from? I want one!
thanks for the great post, will certainly be checking out your others some some soon,
Lune x
p.s. very hard not to feel guilt about all this, especially with so much pressure from others not to enjoy mothering and to get a life. I just posted something about this over at mine.
I’ve never really identified with AP but I breastfed my son until he was just over 2 years old, when he weaned himself. When I had my second child 10 months ago, people (mother in law) said, “You’re not going to feed this one for as long are you?” And “Breastfeeding for two years is just for women in third world countries.” That one made me laugh the most. My baby is quite a different feeder to her brother so I won’t be surprised if she weans herself earlier. I know I’ll be sad, but it’s a gift I’m so happy to have been able to give them.
“I am biased against women who breastfeed longer than a year-ish….because I am apt to conclude that the woman in question is more self-sacrificing (of her time, her body, her patience) in the name of motherhood than I think is warranted.”
How amusing – I was told, just the other day, that I should give up breastfeeding at 12 months because to go on past that ‘is just selfish’.
[…] Ah, breastfeeding. So rich with subtext. […]