TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE/SEXUAL ABUSE
To “A woman who agrees with the man”:
OK sure, believe that some women need to take responsibility for preventing their own rapes if you want to but keep four things in mind.
One.
You know the majority of rape isn’t actually your classic ‘stranger rape’ deal, right, so I’d ask you – the four-year old boy raped by his grandfather, should he take more responsibility for preventing that? How about the fifteen year old girl raped by her mother’s boyfriend? What about the 21-year-old man raped in prison? How about the 45-year-old woman with physical disabilities raped by her carer? And the 70-year-old woman beaten and raped by her husband?
Or are you saying that there are only certain kinds of rape that victims should take responsibility for preventing? (And if you think that there are some more and some less ‘innocent’ victims of rape, then do you know for sure that your message of responsibility is reaching the right kinds of victims and not hurting the wrong ones?)
Two.
When I was in first-year university I went away for the weekend as the only girl with four boys to a beach-house on a little island. We were all friends, though in truth it was pretty clear to me that these four were each a little interested in me. And it was probably obvious to them, too, that I was attracted to some of them. We spent the weekend drinking, laughing, swimming and listening to music together.. oh, and flirting. I remember even flashing my breasts a couple of times when they were taking photos of the sea and one of them trying to catch it on his camera. But I didn’t want to have sex with any of them that weekend. I really hadn’t worked out what I wanted and whether I wanted to pursue anything. And then, you know what happened? Nothing. I didn’t get raped. None of them raped me. And those boys weren’t heroic for not raping me; they weren’t ‘good’ for not raping me; not raping someone is the default position, actually. It should be what we expect from boys and men.
But I bet you think I made bad decisions? You think I took terrible risks? You think I was asking for trouble? That I didn’t take sufficient “precautions”? And you know, I just thought I was having fun and that I could, of course, trust my friends. I thought I was safe. And in truth, there isn’t anything actually wrong with a girl thinking she can trust a male friend. There isn’t even anything wrong with an 18-year-old girl joyfully exposing her breasts. Neither of these things cause rape.
Three.
Everyone takes risks, even you. Almost everything has some risk attached to it and taking risks doesn’t make you a terrible person. Sometimes people take risks, or make decisions you think you wouldn’t take/make. Sadly, as a result of the rape culture we live in we often tend to think this when we read about a rape allegation in a newspaper article. It all seems so obvious to us by then. Why did she get so drunk she passed out? Why did she go home with him? Why didn’t she struggle more? You need to ask yourself where these thoughts – which are very much directed at her and not him, the rapist – are actually coming from.
For instance, the four-year old boy I mentioned in the example above. After experiencing childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by someone who is supposed to love him, well, that boy might not be so great at determining which people are to be trusted and which aren’t as he grows up. So when at 14 he hangs around with a couple of paedophiles who he likes because they seem to like him, is he more responsible for it this time when they rape him or not? Should he have been able to see, as clearly as you think you can see, that these men are bad news? What if the next time it happens he is smashed on drugs, is he more responsible for it this time? Did he not take enough precautions?
And the fifteen year old mentioned above, when she is an adult woman and another man tries to rape her and she just freezes up, cries and waits for it all to be over. She might not assert herself as much as you think she should in that situation, she might not struggle enough for you or shout enough, is she more responsible for the rape this time?
And the sense of independence and adventure that led me to go on a weekend away with four male friends, should that have been squashed out of me? Even though these same traits have since helped me in my career, made me a good mother, and are probably some of the things that my partner has been most attracted to in me?
Was I more or less stupid than the girl who passes out drunk? More or less cavalier than her? More or less naive? More or less self-harming? More or less slutty? Could I tweak the circumstances a fraction in her favour, or a fraction in mine for you; what would tip you over the balance so that you side with her or me or both of us in our defence? Would the next person agree with you or would they side (blame) differently? Can you see how arbitrary this all is when we decide some victims are responsible for their rape?
Four.
Now ask yourself, what precautions do you take to prevent rape when you go out? List them all – from what you decide to wear to which bar you choose to go to for drinks with your friends. And actually, choose another woman friend or relative and ask her what precautions she takes – what decisions does she make about public transport, about what time of day she goes outside to exercise, about where she parks her car at the shopping centre, about making eye contact with strangers? You’ll find there is, literally, a list a mile long and I guarantee you that you’ll find all women, not just you, already take a lot of precautions to prevent rape. Taking more responsibility isn’t the magic answer to rape. Putting responsibility back where it belongs – on the person who rapes – is the only way to truly tackle rape culture.
So no, being a self-declared feminist won’t cut you any slack on these comment threads, as long as you are still arguing that victims of rape aren’t taking sufficient precautions you are coming from a place filled with victim-blaming and rape apologists, and excuse the rest of us feminists, but we won’t be backing down from telling you exactly that.
(After this post, ‘Don’t get raped’, there was this post, ‘But why shouldn’t she take some responsibility, too, for the rape?’, and after that post there was this post, ‘All the way – gray rape and third base’. Now I write this post here and I hope this is the end of it).
I believe many people still have the ‘natural disaster’ view of rape. Ie men’s sexuality is an uncontrollable thing that once awakened can’t be stopped. So just like you take precautions against bushfires or floods or tsunamis, you take precautions against rape. Similar arguments exist in terms of men’s anger. But men are capable of controlling themselves, it’s just that in some situations they chose not to.
Well said. I think the nature of humans is to try to feel like they had a hand in their own luck — that is, the reason that I have never been raped is not because I’m smarter than rape victims, or that I did more things to prevent my own rape, but that I was lucky enough to never have been in the room with a rapist.
And when it’s just pure luck, we have to realize that we too are vulnerable and that is really hard to understand. (But I think you already know this. I just find it interesting.)
I think that the compulsion to say that that woman got raped ‘because’ she did x, is a form of psychological self-defense. If she shouldn’t have done x, and I wouldn’t do x, then I can walk away comfortable in the knowledge that it won’t happen to me. Whereas, if I say that it was beyond her control, the corollary is that whether I get raped is beyond my control, a very disconcerting position where I would feel like I could be raped at any moment and there is nothing I can do about it. Humans are always trying to see patterns and make sense of the world. We try and find the rules so we can protect ourselves.
It is absolutely not the victim’s fault. Rape is the rapist’s fault and that is where all the blame lies. Nevertheless, my own humanity and psychological self-protection will inevitably lead me to continue to analyze the factors that may have increased the probability of it happening so that I can feel in control and say it won’t happen to me. It keeps me sane. But no matter what a victim might have done differently, it is not their fault. It is the rapist’s fault.
This should be required reading for everyone ever.
Thank you for this Blue Milk- I was going to try and pick that comment apart but then my frustration fuse blew and I just could not. This post is wonderfully articulate and assertive.
I’m new to your blog and read this over when someone recommended you at the Slutwalk march in Edinburgh, Scotland. I think this piece is incredibly well written and surprisingly calm. Well done for speaking in very specific examples and probing. I think sometimes people who just get that rape is never the victim’s fault speak in absolutes because we understand it is an absolute. I wonder if your approach here is more helpful in challenging unhelpful attitudes and ultimately opening other people’s eyes. Thanks.
Brava, and I agree wholeheartedly with @Jamie who said your piece should be required reading.
Might you consider cross-posting this at Hoyden, the way you did with the previous pieces? As they make a kind of useful set.
Thanks orlando for the suggestion, have done that now.
Really enjoyed this post, thought it was very interesting and made several good points and was well written – but would you please consider editing to put a trigger warning at the beginning? I generally don’t get triggery but I’m having a sad day and this made me twitch a bit.
J, I’m really sorry about that – I don’t include trigger warnings on my posts but I always try to make it very obvious in the title or first sentence or two if I am going to write about anything heavy going. I have added a trigger warning to this one now though. Once again, sorry.
But men are capable of controlling themselves, it’s just that in some situations they chose not to.
If we can control it when we know there are witnesses, we can control any other damn time. And it’s our responsibility to do so, not anyone else’s to make us.
I think that the compulsion to say that that woman got raped ‘because’ she did x, is a form of psychological self-defense.
I think it might also be a defence against the fear of being blamed too. If you (general you) join in the baming of this victim or that one, then you’ll score points with the blamers and not be blamed if it happens to you. A false promise of course.
I’m sorry to say that I haven’t spent much time thinking about these issues. But now… your posts on this subject have been so articulate and eye opening, I want to share them with everyone I know. Thank you.
Great post. A lot of this “but if the victim just did x they would have been safe’’ ties into the Just World Theory.
“The just-world theory refers to the tendency for people to want to believe that the world is fundamentally just. As a result, when they witness an otherwise inexplicable injustice, they will rationalize it by searching for things that the victim might have done to deserve it. This deflects their anxiety, and lets them continue to believe the world is a just place, but often at the expense of blaming victims for things that were not, objectively, their fault.
Another theory entails the need to protect one’s own sense of invulnerability. This inspires people to believe that rape, for example, only happens to those who deserve or provoke the assault. This is a way of feeling safer. If the potential victim avoids the behaviours of the past victims then they themselves will remain safe and feel less vulnerable.”
Or in Internet speak “I’m a special snowflake!! Nothing like that would every happen to me because I’m good and careful -not like Them.”
Some people can live in this rainbow coloured bubble for a looong time.
Lawyers play on this phenomenon to the enth degree.
Here an interesting paper on Judicial Reasoning and the Just World Delusion
Click to access Davis%20.pdf
[…] Bluemilk, To a woman unconvinced. If you’re still wondering “Well, since we seem to live in a rape culture, what’s wrong with asking women to be more vigilant?”, this post asks you to test the limits of that question. Her examples are moving and give more impact to what I feel is the answer to your question: “You’ll find there is, literally, a list a mile long and I guarantee you that you’ll find all women, not just you, already take a lot of precautions to prevent rape. Taking more responsibility isn’t the magic answer to rape.” I would go a step further and say that the practice of telling women not to dress or act a certain way is essentially magical thinking. You tell yourself that if you do all the right things, you’ll be safe. But there is no way to do all of the right things. You are set up to lose that game. […]
[…] Milk explains — yet again — that “rapists raping leads to rape. The victim is never to blame.” […]
Well said. This definitely should be required reading by EVERYONE. I particularly appreciated your 2nd point.
The post and Mortisha reminds me of a quote from a character on the TV show Babylon 5, Marcus Cole: “I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, ‘wouldn’t it be much worse if life *were* fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?’ So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.”
So I take great comfort in the fact that the world is not just, and that I have been so lucky in so many ways. Not everyone is that lucky, and it sure as hell isn’t their fault.
“You know the majority of rape isn’t actually your classic ‘stranger rape’ deal, right.”
No side of this argument has any sufficient proof either way actually. If you can provide stats for this statement, this would render the rest of the argument unnecessary and I’ll agree with the rest of article.
For instance.. http://www.d.umn.edu/cla/faculty/jhamlin/3925/myths.html
[…] blue milk writes a letter to a woman who suggested that some women may be responsible for being raped, pointing out the big issues with this. […]
we need to remind those of who cannot think why rape is a bad thing why we teach children restraint and integrety, for those who rape are void of it not the ones who are the victim of it
“And those boys weren’t heroic for not raping me; they weren’t ‘good’ for not raping me; not raping someone is the default position, actually.” That about sums it up!
I hate when people say “You’re lucky you didn’t get raped” to any one. You’re not lucky, because nobody should be getting raped in the first place! No raped IS the default position.
[…] To the woman unconvinced […]
[…] Of course, the trouble with demonizing “easy” women is that it perpetuates rape culture. (And if you still think women should dress or act a certain way to prevent from being raped, I urge you to read Andie Fox’s “To the woman unconvinced.”) […]
[…] Blue Milk […]
[…] of my posts, originally part of a series (here, here, here, here and here), was republished at Women’s Agenda in […]
[…] post was first published here – thanks to author for permission to cross […]
** WARNING ** This ultra long comment references sexual assaults. I think this stuff is relevant to this discussion? If it’s too old or too long please delete.
Three kids: well-trained by our narcissistic mother that she – and by extension ANY authority figure – was ALWAYS RIGHT; that to avoid shouting and wooden spoon spankings I must always be a “Good Girl (TM)”: do as you’re told (immediately) /be nice /be compliant /don’t answer back /don’t complain /don’t cause a scene /NEVER disobey… and when the shit inevitably hits the fan… Freeze. Be small. Don’t try to explain. NEVER argue. Just agree it was all your fault (whatever it was) for being disobedient/existing, yes you’re a bad person, accept the blame and apologise (repeatedly). So yeah, at 47 I still have BIG issues: Confront? Argue? Disagree? Nope. Someone might get upset… and it would be *my* fault. *My* job to fix it. Back down /shut up /be nice /be a good girl /go with the flow /keep everybody (else) happy.
8-yr old me: Mum shifted us to Sydney. For a month pre-move while she sorted logistics we each stayed with schoolfriends. My friend’s older brother was a chronic invalid (heart) but being sick didn’t stop him undoing my pyjamas and feeling me up when I was alone with him. It felt icky and *off* but… he was older than me therefore in charge i.e. RIGHT, I’d chosen to go to his room, his parents let me be there so I must be *wrong* to feel that way, just shut up ignore your feelings.
Was I responsible for that situation? No. All on him – and the adults who didn’t protect me from a predator.
Pre-teen me: semi-sexualised early by (a) inappropriate reading material (my MOTHER’S “bodice-ripper/rape romance” novels) and (b) observing/absorbing adult behaviour at parties with Mum i.e. dressing/dancing a certain way (sexy) got positive attention and I *craved* positive attention… I look at then-me and feel so. damn. LUCKY. there weren’t any predators in those circles. Because anybody observing my behaviour and clothing would have said yep, asking for it.
But… was I responsible for *that* situation? No. I was 12 FFS! I was learning how to adult by example, BAD fucking example!
15-yr old me: month-long stay with my BFF while Mum sorted interstate move logistics. One fun day ended when I got tired & huffy; she gave up on me, left me alone with her dad to “get over it”. Somehow rubbing my back became massaging my breasts and asking if that “felt good”. I just froze, mute. Tharn. I mean, he was her *dad*, he was old (50ish), I trusted him. Late that night – me: asleep face-down on the floor in her room, BFF: asleep next to her Mum; I woke up to him squatting next to me in his old-man-undies trying to turn me over. Couldn’t make myself yell but I remember *gluing* my body to the airbed he was NOT having access to me.
Was I responsible for this situation? I still *feel* yes, as I had been silly, broken the Good Girl (TM) rules… but HELL NO. All on him. Paedophile fuck.
16-yr old me: part-time job at MacDonald’s with a bunch of teenage dickwads, wanting to fit in and be as cool as they were *gag*. Constant puerile sexist humour and harassment. Because obviously I was just flaunting my femaleness in that sexy polyester sack uniform with the thin coating of burger grease.
Was I responsible for that situation? Their behaviour? No. They were just average adolescent males following the entitled privileged PRCI (Patriarchal Rape Culture Ideology) patterns they’d been shown. Nobody taught them different.
18-yr old me: full-time retail book nerd, coming home from work wearing unflattering midi skirt, baggy shirt and baggier sweatshirt, looking tired /grubby /scruffy /fat, barricaded into a partition corner seat on the train with a big bag clutched across my lap – not wary, I just bought into PRCI fat-shaming. One nondescript guy sitting across from me. No physical /verbal /eye interaction. Nada. Station before mine, just before the doors closed, nondescript guy leapt to his feet and across the carriage, “honked” my left boob, bolted out the doors… WTF?! All I could do was laugh (kinda) it was just so bizarre.
My responsibility? Repeat after me HELL NO all on that freak.
20-yr old me: same job, got to hang with the “cool” uni students working there part-time. One particular night I’m ashamed of: we’d been out as a bunch, coming home late all squashed into one car; my hot crush fell asleep leaning on my shoulder. I specifically turned my shoulder and head so I could smell his hair and surreptitiously kiss the top of his head. All the way home. Was he asleep throughout? Or faking sleep, unsure, trying to ignore it? I would have.
I used to tell myself it was nothing… but any sexual contact without consent is assault – same. rules. for. everyone. This one is all on me. I was the predator. I’m not proud of myself and I haven’t, wouldn’t do that again. I’d ask.
Waayyyy TL;DR
My point is that my stories, these minor assaults… are *common*. Run-of-the-mill. I’M not the outlier in the statistics – women who’ve NEVER experienced assaults and invasive behaviour are the rare ones. And in each case I was lucky to avoid worse and I would dearly love to know why I should be held responsible for *being* assaulted. Because except for 20-yr old me, I. DID. NOTHING. WRONG. I lived my life based on the shitty training I was given; I should have been able to grow and explore my femininity and sexuality in safety, without fear or guilt.
And 20-yr old me shows how easily bad behaviour is assimilated as the norm. I’ve learnt that it was creepy rapey and unacceptable; so can cis straight males of any age shape and skin colour.