The other day I got caught up in this discussion with a man about rape and responsibility and it was very much like this and this so I won’t go into the specifics of our tedious conversation but I will say something about where we left off, which was around the time when he asked me what was my great feminist solution to the apparent greyness of some rapes. The rape that happens after hours and hours of flirting and innuendo; the rape that happens after foreplay; the rape that happens between committed sexual partners; the rape that happens half-way through sex; the rape that happens when the guy supposedly thought she was into it. You know, I replied, you can ask for consent first. But asking for consent, he said, is just such a mood-killer.
Apart from the fact that doing anything without consent is both illegal and immoral and this man surely doesn’t want to be doing either – and how can you argue against a tiny bit of clarification when it has the potential to stop a world of pain – consent is actually the sexy part. Without consent it isn’t even sex; it is a flat-out violation. This man assures me that he isn’t trying to rape anyone, what he is saying is that he just wants to be having hot sex and he wants to be a hot partner so he doesn’t want to kill the excitement by stopping and asking her to sign a consent form.
I don’t know why the idea has persisted that asking for consent is necessarily a clinical business – what is stilted about – more? do you want to? do you like? Because “mood-killer”? Are you kidding me? That moment when they close the space between you both and ask you to put your cards on the table – is this on or not, can I do this with you – is one of the most heart-flippingly exciting moments in all of existence. Eat those moments up because they are the episodes of your life that you will daydream about when you’re ninety years old. That anticipation – that moment when your asking is simultaneously both aggressive and submissive – it is what fuels a billion films and books. Granted it is not pleasant when you’re turned down, and for the record, it isn’t easy turning someone down either. Something is usually lost; the end of a good conversation at the very least, and sometimes even a friendship. But it is a gamble you take because you can’t bear another moment of not knowing; it is the gamble you take because when someone says ‘yes’ to you it is about the hottest feeling you’ll ever know.
Do you read The Pervocracy blog at all? Holly writer excellent posts about consent, including her most recent one. She is a bit NSFW but also excellent on sex-positive feminism.
Ugh. The “grey” question bothers me so much, because I don’t understand how pushing through that greyness is more important than *not raping someone*.
To your actual point, though: Yes, that moment of getting consent, that liminal space between not doing and doing, is incredibly hot. I had a lover once who would regularly ask, right there at the edge of doing, “Can I have you?” which still flutters my tummy to think of. The consent-getting can be vulgar, can be sweet, can be quick, can be teasing, can be funny, can be all sorts of things… I wish the “sign a contract” meme would die.
I’m probably non-standard when it comes to sex, but consent is never an issue with me, cos with my man I’m always asking for it. We’re very communicative during sex anyway, and very clear on what we want and don’t want.
But being asked, outright, “Would you like me to do this?” (Because, let’s face it, with having sex you want what you WANT, not what would be ok if it was inflicted upon you). Yeah, that’s very hot.
As a qualifier, from my own previous experience, it is NOT ok to say, “I want to do this!” assume that because you’ve made your statement of what will happen and the other party hasn’t run away screaming that it’s ok, then do it regardless of any qualifiers or refusals your partner is verbalising. This could include (but is not limited to): Saying no, crying, pulling away in fear, freezing up, turning her face away so she can pretend she’s somewhere else, asking if you can do something else/do it a different way/stop for a moment/JUST STOP. If any of these things are happening, YOU HAVE NOT GOT CONSENT and are committing sexual abuse at best.
As the original poster said, giving a blunt refusal is also very difficult. There are a number of ways a person might try and handle refusal tactfully, ESPECIALLY if they are with a regular partner or friend. These are all very clear signifiers that HAPPY SEX IS NOT HAPPENING.