Always amazes me those parents who use their precious Facebook time in the evenings to post on the school Facebook page. They must be genuinely interested in school things. Things like what is happening with the sports day after all that rain and who is running the grocery shopping fundraiser.
Huh. You’re really not faking it with parenthood like the rest of us, are you?
Well, there’s more than one way to fake things. When I was at high school there was a mum who was really involved in the school community and was generallt thought of as a ‘great mum’. One day she was running late for a school council meeting and accidentally drive over her son’s foot as she left the driveway. Because she was running late, she didn’t stop and the next door neighbour took him to hospital. Your post put me in mind of that.
Holy jeez Pen. Did she know?????? She can’t have known. Please tell me she didn’t realise.
Do I detect a little bit of tone in that post blue milk? Because there are many reasons why parents volunteer… maybe they have the time and the inclination? It could be that they are at home all the time with the kids, a bit of adult stuff (even if kid-related) is fun, and heck, sometimes they actually do useful stuff. When I was at home on mat leave I did a lot at the kinder, I’m good with systems and processes and I thought, why not. I volunteered my time without wanting anything back, it was good for my mental state to be doing something that was a bit like paid work (even if I wasn’t getting paid) and I must say I was shocked, absolutely shocked at the ‘tone’ dished out by the mums and dads who didn’t have the time. Who cares, volunteer if you can, and don’t if you can’t, no one is judging anyone, and no, I fuck up at parenting all the time. But maybe I am getting carried away and there is no tone in your post.
Yeah, I’m with Karen here. I used to volunteer a TON, because I could. And I was happy to do it, because I knew there were a lot of parents who couldn’t, or didn’t want to. Like everything else in life, we all have thongs to offer. Some like volumteering, some don’t – or can’t. It’s not a competitoon. I also enjoyed it quite a bit, and made new friends.
In the U.S., at least, schools can’t function without volunteers. As for Facebook, it’s a decently efficient way to notify a LOT of people about changes in schedules, venues, etc.
So I don’t see any need for judgment or guilt around any of this.
Parent volunteerism is great but it just isn’t true that US schools can’t function without volunteers. Most schools in the US function just fine without tons of volunteers. Which is the way it should be. In districts where there is a high level of volunteerism on the part of parents (moms, almost exclusively), it’s usually the case that the community is made up of families with high(ish) incomes that want to give their children the experience of private school without actually going private.
scantee, I have a different experience. In our public school system, 10th largest in the U.S. and among the top-rated school systems nationally, parent involvement is actively solicited and encouraged. Parent involvement in schools means better schools, stronger community, and happier kids. Not just your own kids – but everyone’s kids. If kids see adults taking part in the schools, the kids realize they matter.
In my county, the following could not happen without parents: orchestra, band, drama, tutoring, mentoring, field day, sports, proms, alcohol-free graduation parties, clubs and activities, field trips, and any teacher/staff-appreciation events. I’ve spent half a day just photocopying handouts and tests for one teacher. Theoretically, schools could “survive” without any of this, but would children thrive?
I love this blog for its honesty and fairness. This post is atypical. It reads like the snide comments I heard from co-workers who saw that I rode a bicycle to work.
Tongue in cheek I think 🙂
This post is with your hating playgroup post for me. Could be a valid and humorous point, or it could descend into one slagging off certain types of mothers.
I actually spend a lot of my spare time doing stuff for my daughter’s nursery. That is because I love it, I love the staff, they are paid terribly (compared to my salary anyway), and I want to give something back to the community. Just the other evening I sat with a glass of wine and wrote a long response to a survey they sent around because I just knew that hardly anyone would reply and I didn’t want the staff to feel like we didn’t care about what they did. So many parents jump up and down when things go wrong so I think it is important to be invested in other ways too (not just to smack the school/nursery down when they stuff up).
Thanks for the feedback.
I genuinely feel impressed with, but also daunted by and confused by, those parents who are able to engage fully with the school experience.. as I tend towards being a non-participant myself.
I think I probably articulated this more in other posts of mine, like here in Poking Fun At Motherhood (https://bluemilk.wordpress.com/2012/09/11/poking-fun-at-motherhood-or-mothers-and-also-how-white-feminists-get-black-motherhood-wrong/): “The article makes a very important point about the marginalising of women who are not mothers and the ways in which we render invisible their unpaid caring work and contributions to the community, but by the end of the piece Allen is cracking a joke about the over-involved mother. I can be prone to rolling my eyes at this mother, too, but I do so while relying upon a shitload of her free labour, that she pours into my kid’s school to make it all so super – no small effort when the school is one of those public, under-funded types – and I do this while being busy running off to my paid job. I think I probably give something back to this mother in other ways by fighting from within the system for mothers to be more visible and included in workplaces, but the point is we’re all enmeshed in this system that ultimately exploits mothers.”
But also these posts:
Thank you for this “I think I probably give something back to this mother in other ways by fighting from within the system for mothers to be more visible and included in workplaces…” – I’ve been on both sides. But I don’t think it helps anyone when the snide remarks are made. I know I shouldn’t take it to heart, but I do, and it does make me feel hurt on two counts. 1) It assumes that I only make ‘doing’ contributions and none of the ‘within the system’ stuff, and 2) it assumes that I don’t understand the ‘real’ structural barriers that make women’s world so disadvantaged. It is this assumption that somehow ‘uneducated’ women don’t know all this shit. Actually many do. They feel it, even if they don’t have the fancy sociological words to describe it.
That’s a good point about the false binary.
Yeah, I felt it was a little snide too. I have my busy paid job to run off to, but I squeeze in volunteering, setting up and packing up at events and co-ordinating endless rounds of fundraisers not because I’m a crazed over-involved parent but because I want to help make nursery school the best possible experience it can be for my son, and I see assisting the creation of loads of events, activities and new equipment as a way of doing that for him.
I don’t want this to feel like a pile-on, Andie. I also do understand that feeling of bewilderment and confusion of which you speak. Some of it was around preschool for me: how did all these mothers know it was time to start preschool? How did they find the “right” one? What even WAS preschool? Did every kid go? I felt really out of my league. I finally chose one that was nearby. My motto about it remains: “It’s close; it’s cheap; and they have toys.”
Also, if volunteering isn’t your thing, and the thought of it makes you want to take to your bed with a cold towel, I hereby grant you absolution from guilt. 😉 No matter what, that dirty little secret STILL doesn’t make you a “bad mother”!
I also feel envy and frustration over women who keep clean homes while their kids are small. I’ve never gotten the knack of that.
I know exactly how you feel Andie. I look at those parents, the ones on the P&C or running the canteen, the names there week after week doing stuff in the school and a) envy their commitment and b) wonder how they make the time to do it, regardless of whether they work from home or outside of it and c) beat myself up for not being one of those parents. But I can’t be.
Maybe it is because they really believe in it, maybe it is because it is how they prove to themselves that they are good parents, maybe it helps them feel like they are giving something back. Whatever the reason I am so very thankful that they do it because my kids school couldn’t function without them.
I joke that my son has been asking me to do a day at his school canteen since he started at kinder. He’s now in year 5. I still haven’t made it. Outwardly I laugh, inwardly I feel like shit.
So yeah, parents who do all that. I look up to you, I’m not laughing at you, I envy you but I know how Andie feels.
Really, Mindy, I hope you’ll let yourself off the hook. I truly think it’s that some people have the temperament for it, and some don’t.
Well Andie, I didn’t take your remark as snide and I am one of those mothers who is quite involved in school stuff. As all the commenters here who are involved in their school/kinder have pointed out, I do it because I really enjoy it. I do lots of crafty things, both in the class room and for fundraising. Because I enjoy it, I find the time. I don’t do the things at school that seem like a drag to me – School Council, Education Policy Committee etc, and I thank god that there are other parents who (I assume) find those things fun and challenging. I guess there are probably some parents out there, martyring themselves and quietly resenting those who are less involved and ‘not pulling their weight’, but I haven’t met any. When you realise that the people doing it probably enjoy it, envy and guilt should both fall away.
Yes, exactly. Wise words tinfoilhattie! I couldn’t agree more.
Actually, now that I think about it bluemilk, I vaguely remember you talking about challenge some sponsorship drive your daughter’s school had to fund something in Africa (can I be more vague?). And you challenged the proposers at a school meeting about the ethos of the organisation they were funding? Whether they weren’t just neo-colonial etc? I remember reading that and wondering how you found the time to not only attend these school committee meetings but also have the intellectual wits to be activity engaged (rather than just sit there and eat the biscuits like I did at my daughters school orientation just the other month). So there! Hah! (the occupational hazard of putting so much on the internet – we can catch you out!).
I thought it odd that everyone here assumed from my post that I never do any volunteer work with school activities – I was just saying that I fake my interest in them.
Well, the post was rather cryptic, and Imfor one haven’t read ALL your archives, though I’m making my way through them.
I didn’t read through the comments (have an infant) but as a former teacher I would say that most likely they are on Facebook while helping their kids with their homework or instead of helping with the homework! After all I’m commenting here 🙂
Oh, I want to add that probably most elementary school homework help doesn’t require your complete attention. Despite being a teacher I’m very sure I’ll be multitasking when the day comes. It’s not the end of the world, as some people say it’s an easy way to be connected to the school…and maybe during homework is a good time to check the school’s Facebook page. It could make people feel less guilty about being online since it’s school related. I’m not saying people should feel guilty about being online, it’s just reality at this point and I’m sure I’m not the only one who starts to subconsciously feel anxious if I’m not checking my phone. It’s a horrible societal addiction!
I’m pretty sure we don’t have a school Facebook page. If we do I hope no one tells me.
More seriously, I think parental volunteering is a big problem. By it’s very nature it makes some public schools wildly different from others. I don’t want parents volunteering to make my kid’s school better – I want our taxes spent on making schools excellent for every kid. For as long as middle class parents subsidise their local school it won’t change.
Not all involved parents are middle class, and not all schools that have strong volunteer bases are poor.
Kate, are you saying that government will fill the gap if volunteers were to stop all the activities and programs that they currently do? My husband has the same view with philanthropy, that if everyone paid their fair share in tax, then there would be no need for philanthropic charities. He says when you accept charity you pay with a little bit of your dignity, and he would know, he grew up in a chaotic environment.
I agree that volunteering can be counter-productive especially when poorly managed and coordinated. If they want good results, schools need resources to make sure that their volunteers are value adding. I guess I see it as a partnership, when it works, volunteers can make the tax dollar go further.
Good teachers do a lot of unpaid work that add value to the school, but the taxpayer is not going to pick it up because it’s not ‘essential’ – this is how the animation program started in my local primary school. So volunteering is also a kind of creative outlet, people see a gap, they can fill it, and so they do. When it works, volunteers add to a sense of community, in a good way. When it works, volunteers add value beyond price. My two cents 🙂
Thank you blue milk for the opportunity to have this discussion. I love your blog.
Aw thanks Karen. I love all you readers, you keep it so smart here.