An interesting criticism of Andrew Solomon’s book, Far From the Tree (remember here?) by Cristina Nehring with “Loving a child on the fringe” in Salon.
Am I “cheerily generalizing” as Solomon says of other Down syndrome parents, “from a few accomplishments” of my child? Perhaps I am. But one thing I’ve learned these last four years that possibly Solomon has not: All of our accomplishments are few. All of our accomplishments are minor: my scribblings, his book, the best lines of the best living poets. We embroider away at our tiny tatters of insight as though the world hung on them, when it is chiefly we ourselves who hang on them. Often a dog or cat with none of our advanced skills can offer more comfort to our neighbor than we can. (Think: Would you rather live with Shakespeare or a cute puppy?) Each of us has the ability to give only a little bit of joy to those around us. I would wager Eurydice gives as much as any person alive.
As I write these words, it is not clear to me that Solomon has learned all he might have from his 10-year investigation into diverse parenting.e has reached several convincing conclusions, to be sure: “Hard love is in no way inferior to easy love,” he writes, and “Diversity is what unites us all.” While not risky, these observations are well-articulated and abundantly corroborated. I embrace especially his point on struggle: “The happy ending of tragedies,” he notes, “have a dignity beyond the happy endings of comedies.” Warriors at heart, we cherish what we’ve gone to battle for far more than what’s been handed to us with a lifetime warranty and a lollipop.
It’s when Solomon turns to his own life after hundreds of pages of publicizing the diverse, disabled, and combative lives of others that his unreconstructed conventionality emerges most obviously—and his cowardice.
There’s shitloads of ableism in the comments for this article link, which, if you can stomach them tell you a lot about this topic and the need for this article. Thanks to @harvestbird for the link.
I just read the whole article. I really loved Nehring’s description of her relationship with her daughter who sounds like a remarkable person. Nehring write beautifully.
It is not apparent from your above quote what the actual cowardice is. From the article, I see it is that “When all is said and done, Solomon mainly wants to bank an A-1 baby.” Although I really enjoyed this piece, I think it is unfair to criticise Solomon for his cowardice which he freely admits (and which most of us have). In fact, I found Solomon’s honesty refreshing. From what I understand, his point was that before a child is born we want an “A-1 baby” (and anyone who says that they don’t are either much better people than me or not being honest – most of us use various means for ensuring that even if it is by selecting a healthy person to have children with) and that after they are born many, many parents still adore their children and wouldn’t change them for the world. He was commenting on the remarkable enduring quality of parental love. I’d be interested to hear if you think her criticism is fair (or, if it is fair, whether she hasn’t take this one section and made it more than what the book is about) after you listen to the Terry Gross book and read the book. I haven’t read the book yet but I was really impressed by the interviews that I have heard and am looking forward to it. I will be interested to see whether I agree with Nehring after I have read it too.
I do just wonder, however, whether the author has misread the point of his book. From the interview I heard, I don’t think he was trying to say that he was somehow like the parents in his book and should be put on their “ship.” But he was desperately trying to empathise with them anyway he could? Haven’t we all done that – tried so hard to empathise with someone’s situation that is so different from our own that we grasp at something minor from our own privileged lives and tried to “empathise out” that way? I sure have. It can be insulting for sure. But cowardly? And, sure, the health scare he had with his own child was very, very minor compared to Nehring but any scare with a child (whether it results in actual illness or not) is not insignificant to the parent who has gone through it. It reminds us of our child’s fragile mortality, how much our sanity and own survival depends on them being ok…It is a very vulnerable position regardless.
A small, finickity (sp?) point, the author grossly oversimplifies Peter Singer’s work. It’s kinda annoying and I did wonder if she had actually read it of just selectively quoted from a secondary source? The reason I mention it is that I see him misrepresented so often and it does him a huge injustice. Last time I heard him talk he had police protection due to religious protestors.
FWIW, Christina Nehring’s article is in Slate, not Salon, and your link is broken (I get a 404.)
Here’s the link to her article:
http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2012/11/andrew_solomon_s_far_from_the_tree_parents_children_and_the_search_for_identity.html
Another small thing, I noticed that Nehring spoke of Solomon “claiming” his kids rather than having kids (“Solomon’s kids (and he now claims three more via the sperm donations he or his partner have made)”). I thought that was odd and wondered if she would have use the same term if he were heterosexual. I have my two children. I don’t claim them. It is a small point but generally consistent with her other snipings at him (who cares what his parents did for a job, for example).
I also enjoyed Nehring’s article very much. I would be interested in reading Solomon’s book, but the question, ‘do parents devote themselves to raising children who are nothing at all like the ones they thought they could love?’ is not a question any parent I know would recognise. What it misses out is that parents hope children are healthy not for the parent’s own sake, but for the child’s. And all children are strangers, and they are not in the world for us. That was the first thing I learned after giving birth, that here was a new person with his own views of the world. The other things that make his life difficult and unfamiliar are part of that, but not all of that.
Excellent points. You are totally right – one of the things that struck me with each of my births is how much my children are strangers when I first meet them. My son is two months old and still feels like one as I am slowly learning his likes, dislikes, temperament etc. I am particularly struck by how little he looks like my husband. I really thought he would. But I was never concerned with producing a “mini me” and that was very far from my motivation for having children. Producing another version of yourself or your partner seems an odd conscious motivation (although it must operate at a subconscious level). Perhaps it motivates men more? I don’t know.
Although, that being said, I did think I would have a somewhat introverted book-ish child and my daughter is nothing like that. She is very, very active and outgoing and cares very little for sitting down with a book. And I do find that hard as I had visions of us bonding over reading stories together. I am not sure what I will think if she doesn’t love books as much as my husband and I do!
[…] essay is written by Cristina Nehring. Do you remember the controversy around her essay about her love for her disabled child last year? Anyway, here she is writing about being a single parent and entering a new love affair – […]