There is a good discussion going on at Feministe at the moment in response to a father’s question on how to raise feminist daughters.
I have too much to say on this topic to really add a proper comment there because it is practically my religion, as you may have noticed. But some great points have emerged out of the discussion that I concur with strongly. And although they’re all mostly part of my own approach to feminist parenting, some of these points I’ve yet to post specifically on so I’m highlighting them now:
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body sovereignty – (that is, not touching or holding on to a child ever if they say “no” or :stop” [ok, yes in life threatening situations like when they’re about to run out on the road], even when play-fighting or hugging them, and dare I say it, even during nappy change struggles if at all possible.. this allows them to develop a sense of ownership over their own body and the rightful expectation that they should never be touched against their will and that someone who loves them will respect their decisions… I feel so strongly about this one);
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teaching children to protect themselves – (I’ve never seen these exact 12 readiness questions before, which are described as “Protecting the Gift” by Katie in the comments but they’re excellent and marry up well with the kinds of things I’ve started talking to my daughter about… like parts of your body are private and here is who can touch you there and when, and here for example is who can’t, and that it is ok to tell someone not to touch you – even an adult, and that there is nothing she could tell me that would stop me loving her, to never be afraid to tell me about something bad etc);
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breaking gender roles in your own house – (that is, not having the housework as Mummy’s job and the yardwork as Daddy’s job);
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praising your daughter’s (and son’s) actions and efforts and not just her looks – (caution needs to be taken with compliments of a child’s looks, what exactly is being praised and why.. in the comments Cara gives a great example where girls are often complimented for their appearance when they’re ‘all dressed up’ and not at other times, and the pressure this could eventually put on them as young women to ‘be made up’ and to seek viewer, but particularly male, approval?);
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reinforce the observation that each person has their own unique strengths and weaknesses and that these are not as simple as being differences in gender;
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books – (provide both fiction and non-fiction with strong female role models and three-dimensional male characters; I think children’s stories have improved greatly in this respect but I wonder about non-fiction books for children, and this is. a. great. irritation. of. mine. also);
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continually question body image propoganda with your child – (this stuff is absolute poison; use questions like why don’t the women in magazines look like the women we know? etc);
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be an active viewer with your child and question the sexism you see together – (why are only boys shown playing with that construction kit, you love building things too? etc.);
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(ideally) special time with her father means she will be more likely to develop a sense of what it is to feel valued, understood and loved by a man;
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being careful about saying “that knife is not for little girls” when what you really mean is “that knife is not for little kids”;
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finding opportunities to praise them for characteristics associated with the opposite sex – (you’re a strong girl climbing that tree, and you’re a gentle boy with that kitten etc);
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be aware that how you see your child is a lot of how they’ll learn to see themselves – (don’t create a tiny little box for your child to fit into, they may become trapped in that role eg. the sooky boy, or the greedy girl); and
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get involved when you overhear your children talking about gender and gender roles – (here’s your chance for feminist indoctrination, brainwash away – ok, that one was for all the mens rights crazies out there, mwah).
Gosh I sound bossy in this post, or is that authoritative; don’t want to introduce any nasty little gender stereotypes here.
P.S Whoops, I really wrote that first dot point very badly, several comments here can attest to it. Sorry about that. I’ve tried to correct its syntax but perhaps it needs some further clarification. I’m not saying hugging and touching and cuddling your child interferes with their body sovereignty. I’m saying that touching a child against their will is problematic – whether they’re giggling and asking you to stop tickling them or thrashing about on a change table crying for you to leave them alone – ignoring their desire not to be touched, over-powering them because you can, even with your nice parental intentions is.. tricky. Hey, we’ve probably all done it at some point, sometimes because we’ve weighed up the options and decided this was the best way (eg. some parents find a tight hug calms their children’s tantrums even after their child has resisted being held), but mostly I suspect out of poor habit, out of a tradition of not observing children as totally separate beings. Wherever possible I think the child’s desire for touch to stop should be observed and other means beyond physical control should be employed to convince them to co-operate in a nappy change or re-engage in a game of tickling or whatever. This is not because I think your true intentions as a parent are questionable, it is because I think it is important to raise your child thinking they have the right to body sovereignty, and more than that, that they know what it feels like to exercise that right.
Perhaps I should make this a post all of its own some time soon?
Oooh, thanks for bringing this to my attention. Happily, we do a lot of these in our house. But we’ve still got a ways to go. Good suggestions.
Great post.
Something I’ve only reailsed recently is that one of the reasons I’ve continued to not shave my legs (yes, I used to, all the time) is that I don’t want my son’s default brain-imprint of “what a woman looks like” to include “hairless legs and underarms”.
I agree with all of these points! Thank you for summarizing/re-posting them here. 😀
I like this post. And I’m pretty sure I agree whole-heartedly with most of it. I’m still trying to understand your concept of body sovereignty. Do you mean don’t hold or snuggle your child when they want to be held? Or not to hold them ever against their will (disregarding immediate danger)? I agree with the latter if that’s what you mean.
I am afraid I pigeonhole her though and I’m trying to correct this. She tantrums loudly when away from home and I find myself apologizing. My husband says she is spoiled. I respond that she is passionate or active. I don’t think I mean this, but I can’t think of anything else to say. “She’s learning our language and her place among us. She doesn’t fully understand you at times. Be patient, please” takes too long.
But regarding media and children.. it’s so hard! Everything here is pretty gender neutral, but still she’s 2 and obsessed with pink clothes and thinks princesses are “so pretty”. When did that happen?
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This is a great list. Thank you.
Lauredhel, my nephew described my legs as “Daddy’s” when he undid the zips on my boots a while ago. I told him it’s because his Daddy is my brother.
I almost agree with the body sovereignty, I think I would put an age limit on it. I can’t imagine always allowing my 2 and half year old son to have the right to tell me not to touch him mid-tantrum, but I have no difficulty with the concept with the 5 year old. In fact, reading this I think I have been lax in balancing “You need to do what we tell you” with “You have rights with respect to yourself and you have the right to say no under appropriate circumstances”. Those circumstances would not be when I have just told you it is time for dinner, or 5 minute clean up… I must start balancing his responsibility for himself with his responsibility to those around him. Thanks for the reminder.
And I always tell all my kids they are beautiful at bedtime. Any comment on clothing I try to keep to “cool”.
I really like this post – it made me think about the influence of family, and also about how it ties in with the post you wrote on daycare.
My girl loves pink, loves dolls, love fairies. Since she enjoys these experiences I’m happy to go with this, but also to try and expand/ offer her access to other experiences – and to involve her with a varity of other people.
She also comes home from daycare with a lot of comments about what girls do and what boys do – I’m presuming from either the other kids or from what she has observed, because in two years of care I’ve never heard any of the carers make comments like these.
In this house she sees her fourteen year old brother taking on a large amount of household responsibility because daddy doesnt live here and his level of involvement is not consistant –
I’m hoping we are leading by example, but often we are merely doing the best we can to get by. she sees her brother allowed to prioritise schoolwork over housework – will that be interpreted as male privilege or my decision as a mother that an education is more important than clean dishes?
( she frets over daddy’s inconsistancy, but after much soul searching something I’d had to admit I don;t have a huge amount of control over. she not the head kicking, determined dynamo that her big sister is either – she ‘s very gentle and sensitive ,and I wonder if missing daddy is going to set an expectation of what she should expect from men in general?)
this morning we had a ‘daycare discussion.’ She announced that little boys smack little girls. having talked to the carers it seems that there are indeed two little boys who frequently thump ALL the other kids.
however, I told her she she ask her brother who does the thumping. Because my eldest girl is a serious smacker – she’s ready to challenge anyone who gets in her way… and her brother often did.
unfortunately, i don’t have time to read through all the comments over at feministe, so can you explain the ‘body sovereignty’ thing a little more? because, the way it’s written now, it sounds like you’re saying to never cuddle or hug your child. if so, i strongly disagree with this as both a parenting style and that this would affect whether your child is a feminist.
there is nothing wrong with hugging. if both parties welcome the hugging and cuddling, then no harm is being done. it is an act of showing love, not oppression.
as to holding your child against his or her will during a tantrum: that, again, has to do with helping your child create a sense of responsibility. i never grab my child (except in danger) without warning. if she’s having trouble communicating (and expressing this by yelling and stomping and throwing things), i kneel down to her level and look her in the eye and say something like “i see that you’re angry. use your words to tell me why you’re angry.” it works like a charm. when i do grab her, it’s only after saying , “not wearing your jacket is not an option. it’s too cold. you can come put it on yourself, or i will come and help you put it on.” with her, being 17 months old, “help” often means more than just holding the jacket out for her. eventually, when she’s more coordinated, i hope she will be able to do it on her own, and will always be given that choice.
but, again, i would say that has much more to do with raising a conscious, communicative child, rather than simply a feminist…and it can be applied to boys just as easily.
I think you have a syntax problem with that first point. It took me a couple of reads to realise the caveat was ‘if they say no or stop’ (and I thought, wow that’s totally loopy when I thought you mean NO hugs ever). I agree with you. It is important that they learn than no means no, for themselves but also for others.
I totally agree with you about non-fiction, it is really perceived as a boy’s market in children’s publishing. There is so much anxiety about getting boys to read (while girls are generally perceived as ‘good readers’) that a lot of attention goes to producing boy-friendly content (with the understanding, probably correct because of the dominant ideologies around giving kids books in the first place) that girls will read ‘boy books’ but boys won’t read ‘girl books’. Which means that while girls are ‘good readers’ they don’t necessarily get to read about themselves or the world in a way that reflects their experiences. They’re often taken for granted by market forces. Which basically is bloody ridiculous, since they’re propping up the whole market. The same could probably be said for adult publishing.
sarah rose – body sovereignity is a difficult one when you put it like that. I do that too, and my girl is three. Will you dress yourself, or will I dress you? if its daycare, now! there is no luxury of half an hour of waiting for a toddler to comply. and we have the fairy dress argument every so often – its too cold, you need something on with it. otherwise, predictably, she wears it for fifteen minutes and then screams the place down because she’s cold. (but still is upset at having her fairyness ruined with a jumper.)
coming for meals or the bath is the same. there is a request, and if its refused, it is come or I’ll come and get you. mostly she is persuaded easily but every so often she is overtired and tantrumy and incapable of making a decision, or an effort.
am curious how you manage this Bluemilk? has it ever become an issue in your house, or do you have a routine she follows?
actually, that’s an even more interesting point. because when my eldest became a teenager I didnt always respect her decisions about her body, because I considered some of those decisions to be harmful.(not eating and cutting herself were two of her decisions) It actually felt like an incredibly shitty part of parenting to have to tackle that. She obviously expected me to do something, but whatever I did she challenged. compromise or rational (!) discussion provoked a whole lot of nastiness that solved nothing.
then she chose to fake a mental illness… yep, she really did. There is another person in my family with it, and she had it right down. It absolutely broke my heart to think she would have a life dealing with psychosis – so when she confessed, I didnt know whether to kill her for her unbelievable cruelty or to hug her in relief.)
the whole incident opened another massive can of worms, about my responsibility and her rights. I guess I believe in giving them the opportunity to do it themselves, with the fallback position of ultimately, its not all about you, this is a family, and you have to be part of it, or the rules get a lot tighter.
Oh gods, this helps, but provokes so many more questions than I’m sure anybody really has answers. I worry so much about what this society is going to do to my child in terms of gender role stereotyping — what if she wants to be a cheerleader? what if he wants to be macho and play football? — how can I deal with a child who has none of my political inclinations?
And that’s not even — I don’t know how I feel about the first point. I mean yes, I do agree that beyond a certain age (mobility and coordination are huge here) you shouldn’t continue touching your child in any way the child rejects unless it’s just that important, but things like toddlers and holding hands when you’re out shopping together, or getting your eight-year-old in the bath when she absolutely refuses (I’m told I did that often as a kid) …
Sigh. I know parenting is going to be hard work, no matter how much I get told “oh, it’ll come to you,” I just wish there were a friggin’ users guide…
Sara no H–I completely feel you. Thanks for saying what I wanted to about the post and the parenting process in general. 🙂
I’m actually impressed with how many of these “tips” I follow. I generally feel like a complete failure as a feminist parent, but maybe I’m not so inadequate after all. 🙂
Thanks for posting this. It made me realise that we do a lot of this already in our parenting. I may have to work a little on the “brainwashing” with our six-year-old who loves to say “Boys don’t …/Girls don’t …”.
oh this is fabulous. Thank you for posting it. I really appreciate this as a feminist even though I am not a mother yet. I hope one day I will follow something similar!
I hope I’ve clarified that first dot point better now in the post with my post script at the end. Thanks for the comments everyone.
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