These are difficult questions for me to consider. I am proud of being a mother. I love my two children. I love them so much that it hurts to look at them and I am pretty sure they are the best, smartest, scrappiest, funniest boys in the world, and having them changed my life. My life before children was selfish and bland, all feelings and no grit, just a drifting miasma of mood. To go back to living like that seems like hell. I get annoyed when women’s magazines try to edit my motherhood out of my work. I get depressed when they won’t run a piece unless I take out any mention of my having children. I firmly believe that having children has made me smarter and better and more interesting, and fuck you to any women’s mag that doesn’t think so too.
And yet, I am profoundly unfree.
I have a ten-month-old and a three-and-a-half-year-old. The three-and-a-half-year-old goes to preschool for a good portion of the day, but the preschool isn’t state-sponsored, so it eats our entire childcare budget. That means I am home with the ten-month-old full time. This is a luxury. Many women would kill to stay at home with their babies. I am fully aware of this. I try to write when the baby is asleep. He sleeps for about two hours in the morning. Otherwise, throughout the day I do housework, cook, try not to go insane. My husband leaves at five in the morning and gets home at eight in the evening most days, so I am short on adult conversation or help. There is a deep, almost suffocating solitude to my days, and yet there is also the California ocean, the flowers, the breeze. It is lovely; it is intolerable; it is both.
I am tethered by many things: the baby’s nursing schedule, the three-year-old’s attention span. To read an adult book is out of the question. To sit quietly for a moment with no one touching me is out of the question. To poop alone is out of the question. Showering is something I have to ask my husband for time to do each night. A lot of nights I am too tired to even think about showering and I just go to bed dirty. I do not brush my hair every day because what does it matter if my hair is brushed? It is possible I am clinically depressed. It is also possible that taking care of small children is just really hard, and in the last six months we have had a move across country, a baby in the hospital for a week, and my new book come out. Maybe I am just frazzled and it will get better on its own. Or maybe it won’t.
From Rufi Thorpe’s “Mother, Writer, Monster, Maid” in Vela.
blue milk 
Oh this is a lovely world of description and alike my mothers when she used to tell me how she dint get time for her. This is very unfortunate that today we talk about feminisim and so but the part of it motherhood had already lost its track womens dont find it as something to be reveled or say proud to be mom, instead the unsung and hardship of spending the best of years raising kids goes as if its no important. But to look upon society it is society and even womens who has made motherhood a grave tragedy,
Well my sis thanx for lovely post and believe me there will be a time when u will look back for this time, once they are grown up, and being a mom is the most divine gift by God.
She has to ask her husband if she can take a shower? F**k that. Geez, I’d be a rich woman if I had a dollar for every time I’ve read a depiction of partnered parenting that make my choice to parent solo look darn like a darn smart one.
With apologies for my typos..
Re: the showered bit – with my 4th I figured out how to have a shower just me an bub. Still do this from time to time. Sometimes someone says “why didn’t you ask me, I’d hold bub for you” but it’s not the same.