Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 are here. This is more of the presentation I gave at this motherhood conference. My presentation looked at some of the big themes I see coming out of all the responses I’ve received to my 10 questions about your feminist motherhood. This particular section of the presentation was really interesting.. exactly what is ‘feminist parenting’? What does it look like? How do you know you’re doing feminist parenting?
This post is on how parents defined their feminist parenting:
- “I’m not so sure my mothering IS feminist.”
- “As a mother I was and am straightforward about being marginalised by society for being a working class mother. So, I ‘outed’ every instance where this happened to my son (who is now 21), so he would be in no doubt about what my place was in society and, by associating, his place as a working class male. Also I was very fierce about violence against women, and to the best of my knowledge my son has never hit a woman”. (Several mothers who identified as working class talked about the importance of identifying intersection and training their children to cope with the multiple oppressions).
- “I wish I could say that my objection to patriarchal authoritarianism has translated into an approach to child-rearing that is gentle, reciprocal, and respectful. Let me tell you, though, I yell way too much. I pull rank all the time. I’m always indirectly playing the Bigger Than You Are card. I hate it. I also would like to claim that my experience as a mother has made me more politically active, more involved in my community. No. My experience as a mother has made me tired and cranky and frustrated.”
- And from another mother: “Other feelings of failure – the first time you balance wanting your son to be whoever he wants to be and wanting to protect him from teasing if he decides he wants to wear pink to kindergarten. The catching of myself disliking my belly in the mirror. The moment when my three year old son told my woman dermatologist that she didn’t look like a doctor”.
- A lot of respondents defined their feminist parenting as questioning/re-inventing body image and relationships with food.
- It was also defined as sex education, bodily autonomy or rejection of pornography.
- It was also defined as avoiding/critiquing princesses – “I’m walking a fine line between actively countering the girlification of my daughter and denigrating her gender”.
- Or it could be defined by some parents as allowing their daughters to get dirty/play rough and their sons to be soft/gentle.
- Some saw their feminist parenting as opposing the commercial sexualisation of little girls.
- Others saw it as being positive role models for their daughters.
- Teaching their sons to communicate their feelings and how to negotiate with their (potentially) female partners one day was also defined as feminist parenting by some.
- Educating their sons about the value of domestic work was also seen as feminist parenting.
- Also, role-modelling feminist marriages.
- Questioning gender binary – particularly with respect to language, was frequently included in the definition.
- Some defined it by the way a family name was chosen for their children.
- Some saw feminist parenting as equal parenting: “I much prefer parenthood. I don’t particularly think of myself as a “mother”, and “mothering” and “fathering” aren’t distinct activities in our family”.
- Criticising advertising and corporate practices (eg. marketing of formula), and sometimes avoiding television altogether were part of feminist parenting.
- Being aware of privilege was seen to be important.
- As stepmothers – refusing to sacrifice too much in the home without getting a say in how those decisions are made. Questioning the “horrible dichotomy for stepmothers of being either.. evil.. or selfless.. type giving of her everything to her husband’s first life”.
- From a single mother: “For me, the egalitarian basis for feminism had dictated everything. These days I want them (ie. her teenage children) to respect me, I want to be treated as head of the household. I think that what I didn’t teach them was that as a woman, as their mother, as a person who had strived to do the best for them, I was worthy of their respect even if they didn’t like what I had said”.
- “… feminist thinking can liberate us from that awful myth of ‘the perfect mother’… “. And from someone else – “Feminism has not necessarily made me a better mother. It’s given me.. an alternative, perhaps kinder model for self-critique, instead of worrying about whether the house is clean enough, I’m thinking about whether or not I’ve met my own social or intellectual needs, in order to ensure I’m fulfilled and happy, which in turn makes me a better more resilient, more patient mother”.
- Teaching their children that everyone has needs, including mothers. “I want to be a strong capable female figure for my daughter.. If I don’t have the tools to help myself, how can I possibly teach them to take care of themselves?”
- “Feminism has given me hope that my daughter will have a better life than me”.
- Some saw feminist parenting as connecting with other women, including those in their family.”Feminist mothering also means sharing this experience with other women, talking about it, thinking about it together, generating resources locally and internationally and creating networks through which to talk about how we feel and what we want”.
Such a beautiful, inspiring post.
This is really interesting. Do you think it would have been helpful to divide the observations into those directed at raising boys and those directed at raising girls? Do you think that there are different challenges for the feminist parent? I know parents often have both (and that many of the comments overlap) and that dividing the comments this way could also be anti-feminist but I find that I am much more conscious about certain things with my daughter (avoid weighing myself, for example) than I might be if she were a boy.
and I guess I am interested to see what feminist parents focus on with boys that they may not with girls. I have always thought of the issues for feminist parenting arising with girls but your posts made me realise that feminist parenting has so much to offer the raising of boys too. The way my mother-in-law raised my husband has contributed so much to us having a more equal homelife.
I lost my mind a little when the Tiny Tyrant came out with a penis – I’d spent all my time conceiving of my dealing with “issues” as a parent focussed around raising a feminist daughter, and it felt like things had to be completely reversed in some cases, and if not just replaced wholesale.
Instead of teaching my little girl to be strong and powerful against the system I’m teaching my little boy to not always go to the powerful position as the system will encourage him to do, but to allow, encourage and help others to do so. I’m really aware that the way he is going to have to navigate socially is very, very different to the way his potential sister may. And the whole puberty, adolescence and sex and pubertal bodies thing is something I’m still trying to wrap my head around, in terms of living with a teenage boy (thank goodness I have a good ten years-ish to do so).
But yes, ultimately I feel feminist mothering can have heaps to offer boys! I’m hopeful, in any case. 🙂
It’s a good suggestion. There has been interest in publishing the study and if it comes to that I’ll take up your idea and try and separate them by gender of the child/ren.
@Jen – I’m a feminist mother raising boys. I agree with you that there are different approaches that parents might take depending on the sex of their kids. Mixed sex I think would be the most interesting, because the challenges of different treatment would be (I imagine) in your face all the time. I sometimes wonder – would I do this differently if #2 had been a girl?
For me, the most important aspect to raising them feminist was to have partnered with a feminist, my husband, who is deeply engaged in co-parenting. So they see a male role model who is tender, patient, loving, emotional, who does as much cleaning, cooking, and caregiving as I do. They also have a strong mother who asserts herself and plays rough with them too (tickling, chasing, wrestling, soccer, the whole thing). We encourage as many gender-neutral toys as possible, though we don’t push them, and we give lots of praise to caregiving behavior. My older son will sometimes breastfeed his doll and stuffed animals, which I think is beyond adorable. It’s interesting though because my feminist husband was raised in a very gendered and patriarchal family; he had a quiet submissive mother. He decided he wanted a very different kind of partner/partnership.
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