Feminist mothers are my favourite mothers, as you’ve probably guessed. They’re fascinating women. I did a little bit of research on feminist mothers (here), and I have a circle of feminist mother friends, and I search out ‘feminist sounding’ mothers on-line all the time. But I would like to know more about you mothers who identify as feminists. Consider yourself the subject of my interview, yes, you. Stop avoiding eye contact with me right now so I won’t pick you out?
Below are ten questions for you, choose all, one, or some. There are no wrong answers, speak your mind. When you respond, can you send it to me here so I can use your response as a guest post on this site (under a nickname or your real name)? Or if you prefer to post on your own site I can link to your post instead. I’d particularly like to hear from you if you don’t have a blog because I don’t get to hear nearly enough about you. (Lookin’ at you rose and kate, for instance).
So, the questions…
- How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?
- What has surprised you most about motherhood?
- How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?
- What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?
- Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?
- Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?
- Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?
- If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?
- If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?
- Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?
you know what is better than a feminist mom? a feminist babysitter! My sitter came the first day in the t-shirt you have posted! How happy was I to skip out the door knowing she was in such good hands!!
I read this this morning and have been thinking about it all day. I am getting there in terms of something to send to you…
This is so good for me to be doing, too. I want to know all of these answers, but I am surprised to find that I don’t–not off the top of my head, anyway.
Will get back to you with something coherent in a few days. Last night my boy thought it was time to play for several hours of the time we generally think of as Sleep Time (well once upon a time I thought of it as Drinking and Dancing Time, but those days are gorn) and today I’m having trouble typing let alone responding intelligently to questions.
Unfortunately I’m at work, and people do tend to expect intelligent answers around here.
I have answered your questions on my blog. I probably should have stopped and thought about it for a while, but realistically if I didn’t do it now (while Lily is napping) it would never have happened…
http://nopod.blogspot.com/2007/10/what-does-feminist-mother-look-like.html
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this might take me a couple of days – that’s a lot of questions!
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It’s amazing to read these. Now that the fevers have broken, the vomiting has stopped, the cough has resolved, and the rash is subsiding (it’s been a bad week for the little ones around here), I’m hoping to get something together for you.
I’m a femininst dad cause I’m going to teach my girly the same rough and tumble skills, catching a ball, throwing a punch, casting a fishing line, and dusting off and getting back up after minor tumble, that I would a son. If after that she says she wants to be dainty in pink, it won’t be for lack of options.
Taught my 7 year old sister in law to throw a left right combination- her conservative parents were flumoxed!
[...] November, 2007 by penguinunearthed Blue milk, a few weeks ago, asked all her readers to answer some questions about feminism and [...]
I did this today – very thought provoking. Thanks!
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Hi, I was googling and found your questions. I thought it would be fun to answer- so I put it up on my blog. I know it’s late, but if you’re interested- here’s a link:
http://kelly.zqfm.net/blog/
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Thanks for commenting on my blog!! I’ll try to get to these questions, it’s only that I’m knee deep in dissertation work right now. I have to turn in my dissertation to my committee in two weeks.
Well, I hope you visit again. The first question I’ve actually answered in an older post that I link to in my current post…
[...] the mother of two sons (I think, I’ve only just discovered her) and she’s responded to my 10 plus questions on feminist motherhood [...]
Question1-
My feminism- I am a human being and wish to be treated as well as human beings are theoretically SUPPOSED to be treated.
I think I have always been a feminist. I always thought of myself as human !I remember shoveling walks at age 8- because I wanted a toboggan- the boys were shoveling- so I went. Didn’t tell anyone- my father got a congratulatory call from an 80 year old lady whose driveway I had cleared !Other questions later !
Question 2.
That my husband considered my children and I as possessions- to do with as he pleased- and that so many other humans seem to think mothers are- useless/ill/unstable etc. Still boggles my mind- the way mothers and children can be treated -.Talk about destruction – - -
Question 3
Later- this is real biggie -for me !
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ah sigh here, looking back over thrity odd years of being a single feminist parent of two very different boys. Back then choosing to become a mother was regarded dubiously and as for having two boys that was regarded as pure carelessness. I had strong ideas that gender difference was a patriarchal conspiracy. We had a Kids Ko-op Child Care with leading lights in the pro feminist mens movement as role models. I remember one of the men getting the children to carry and care for an egg for a day as a way of promoting nurturing behaviours in boys and girls. I studied and worked and my ex partner had half time care of the boys. I had this belief that if men could really connect with and care for children then they would naturally want to be equally involved in parenting. This would in turn lead to decreases in sshit like domestic violence and wars with empathic connection being the propholactyc. ( It was the seventies/early eighties, atime we thought we could change everything!)
My boys turned out very differently- one very intellectual and reflective the other fully into male stuff, cars , beer, bad behaviour etc.
I now have the golden opportunity to revisit some of this as I now co-parent my grandaughter with her father my son. She is two and a half and her emotional and language skills are ace. Her father was being his surly, beer drinking self when she says to him “Daddy, We can talk about it!” what I do see is my sons path and partial re-education by his daughter
Looking back now I think how your boy children turn out is kind of a mystery. I had planned to create non sexist non racist empathic men. The reality is way more complex – a mystery if you like. My though is that if the care and raising of children were the centre of culture, our sacred task mothers would not be struggling as much as they seem to be.
[...] I begin this blog, almost entirely in reference to a blog from 1 year ago asking the question: What does a feminist mother look like? posted by the intriguing bluemilk.(http://bluemilk.wordpress.com/2007/10/29/what-does-a-feminist-mother-look-like/) [...]
http://breedermama.wordpress.com/2008/10/
Just came across your blog, fabulous, inspiring. So much so that I started my own blog just to respond.
Oh breedermama, what a lovely lovely comment. Looking forward to your blog.
The meme lives on! Thank you so much for these questions. I’ve answered them here http://raisingmyboychick.blogspot.com/2009/01/what-does-feminist-mother-look-like.html
When I started my own feminist-mother blog, I had no idea such an intelligent, engaging blog on the topic already existed — and thanks to you, I now know there are dozens, if not hundreds. I am not alone!
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How would you describe your feminism in one sentence?
The strength to face the storm, the will to rally the masses, the breadth to carry the burden, and passion to pursue to the future; bigger, better, brighter, stronger than any one dares to imagine.
When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?
I was born a feminist. I never knew a woman could be thought of differently until the outside world told me so. I always knew I was just as good, if not better; I never thought of myself as a woman but a person. Motherhood only made my passion to share my truth with others stronger.
What has surprised you most about motherhood?
How beautiful it is and how much it has given me; I always thought it would be a burden and a handicap; it has set me free.
How has your feminism changed over time?
I learned to respect men as equals, and try not to talk about them like they are below me. I have learned that men can be sensitive and intellectual, and they can be different, and they can change.
What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?
It has strengthened my feeling that women are powerful beings and that we are deeply underappreciated for the things we do, when we do the right thing. A feminist might know that equally shared parenting is right, but a woman knows a child needs cared for either way.
What makes your mothering feminist?
My daughter sees me driving the car and being in charge of everything; she plays with match box cars, toy guns and swords just as much as she plays with baby dolls. I let her make decisions and I don’t let her wear miniature sex-objectifying clothing. (just no booty shorts, please) I don’t teach her to be afraid of taking risks or trying new things, I let her do things for herself and tell her to speak up and use her words.
How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s?
I don’t think it’s a goal to put her in dresses and keep her out of the dirt. I think she should learn to be brave and independent, and I let her play with boys.
How does feminism impact upon your parenting?
I demand participation from my husband; I will not allow him to sit back and watch me do all the work. Fathers have the ability to nurture, and I believe in equally-shared parenting.
Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother?
Sometimes I feel like I have to bring a lot of conflict into my relationship with my spouse in order to stand up for what I believe in. Sometimes for the sake of peace I have to let it go, and also she just doesn’t respond to him like she does to me. Not because I’m her mother, but because he’s never been as active with her as I am.
Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?
No. I have always stood up for myself and I have always shown her the example of how strong and caipable a woman can be.
Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?
It was hard when I had to stay at home, because to me being a feminist meant I should be at work, and moving forward, and achieving goals. But we needed to be together.
Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?
The moment I felt my daughter’s life inside me, a dark cloud cleared from my life. I could for the first time see clearly and realize my worth. Before that as a person I was stagnant and depressed. When I knew she was with me I knew I had to show her what a woman can be.
If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?
My husband goes back and forth between being supportive and being uncomfortable. He was raised much more traditionally and it is difficult to break him away from that. He sometimes feels demasculated and intimidatd by my independence and ambition.
If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?
It is not very challenging to me because I was raised by a feminist father who practiced attachment parenting; it is the only kind of parenting I know. My father, grandparents, husband, mother-in-law, and best friend are the only people who are allowed to watch my daughter and she has strong relationships with all of them. This allows me to work, go to school, and have a little time to myself maintaining an independent feminist lifestyle.
Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how?
I think modern feminist sells us short and treats married mothers in feminism like traitors. Feminism is more integral to my identity than some of these people understand, and my circumstance in life will never change who I am. I am a feminist and I will make my own choices and do what I believe is right regardless of my marital status or status as a parent. That is a feminist.
Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?
Feminism has awarded us with credit and respect; and given us to right to share the burden of nurturing with our co-parents, family members, and community so that we have the right to pursue our dreams and maintain a dignified lifestyle.
I hope it’s not to late to answer this. I want to sit with the questions for a few days, but when I’ve come up with my answers I’ll post them on TheFeministBreeder blog and send you a link.
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1.: I don’t Know, what kind of feminist i think i am. moderatly, i guess. not sure, if there aren’t better words for it, like -for example and oh so surprising:- “equality (-ist)”.
I’m being it since i became a mother, because its such a strong, feminine thing to do/ way to go i guess. for the first time, i felt a huge solidarity to every woman out there. to those who have children, those who don’t, those who could have had and had abortions, those who fear about their career, those who struggle with all the many many people’s opinions about them and their body and chosen way to live.
2.: surprised i was about how f*cking difficult it can be sometimes, how heartwrenching and exhausting. how crazy i am able to love and care. and fear. and, last but not least: about my son, how he was himself from the first moment we met.
4.: i don’t know about the difference between mine and other people’s parenting, but what makes my mothering feminist in my opinion, is that i try to let my son be whatever he wants to. to accept him as his own kind of being. to teach him this kind of acceptance and respect against other beings. relating to that, i’m eager to live my own life at the same time. to get my studies done, to spend time with my friends and myself, to be someone apart of being a mother. i want to live with, not for him. in my thinking, thats all feminist- letting people be. accepting them as being all different but equal.
5.: i had some struggles with all this “how to be a good mother”-rot you have to hear, read and see all the time from anyone you didn’t ask. but as for that, its not important if you try a feminist or a less feminist way to mother. someone has something negative to say about your choices anyway, for sure.
i failed maybe, when i tricked my son into not buying the all pink and glittery and furry shoes he once wanted so badly. they were pretty much unbearable, to my defence-
6.: not at all. its more like a state of being, not a state of mind. (i’m not a native speaker, so i can only hope that one can understand that…)
7.: i don’t see, why they shouldn’t go together. does it make me less feminist, if i care about other people and concede for that?
8.: we aren’t a couple anymore, but for me, the most difficult it was to fight for my rights in this parenthood. to let him understand, that he is into that all the same as i am. so now, finally, we share parenthood, half the time our son is with his dad, the other half, he is with me. it was hard to fight out, and after gaining this goal, it was kind of hard to bear. but in the end, i think it is what’s best for all of us.
as for all the other decisions about education and stuff, we pretty much match.
10.: in some ways, every “ism” is in danger to fail someone or something, because its all about very -and sometimes too- strong opinions. i understand, that it was necessary in the beginning to make ourselves heard and taken serious. but i think, the discussion could use a little less sharpness and a little more understanding on every side, now that the major subjects are MADE heard. as feminism is all about solidarity (how i would point it), i wished there was some more “togetherness” in spite of “againstness” between every kind of women (-people). that i can do everything i want and also be a mother i owe to the feminist movement and for that i’m graceful. but “doing everything you want” includes also the choice to be a stay-at-home-mom for example. time has come for less public and more personal choices (again, if anyone can imagine what i try to point out…)
If feminism is concerned with women’s freedom, then feminism is aligned with motherhood, even if only because motherhood represents one of a range of choices to which any free woman should be entitled. The feminist manifestation of this aliance is political support for policies that give women the economic freedom to choose education
and/or motherhood, wage labor or entrepreneurship.